Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not "lending" my friend money

117 replies

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 14:09

A very good friend of mine is struggling money wise at the moment. The friendship has always been rather even and fair, both putting equal effort in. She and her partner don't do shared finances, they have livid together for a few years, she won't ask her partner for money.
So she was moaning to me that she is short for the rent this month, she's been ill, and I was happy to offer the shortfall, a few hundred. I don't expect it back, even though she has offered to pay it back. However she had a expensive day out yesterday, her and her partner, and then she called me asking when I give her the money, no please or thank you. It's left me feeling rather used to be honest, the day out easily would of covered the rent, think theme park then night in 5* spa hotel, I know it's not a prize or gift, it was sorted out after I offered the shortfall in rent. Am I being unreasonable to not give her money now?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 14:39

No, 'sorry'. The ringing you demanding the money says it all!

She will get arsey becuase she's a nobber, not a true friend. Would you hand a few hundred over to someone who emotionally punches you in the face?

'But you promised!' 'Well, I don't have it to spare anymore.'

Over and over.

mymoonandstars · 29/09/2014 14:45

I have a feeling that if you were to ask about the expensive day out, there would be a explanation along the lines of : Oh but it was a treat from xxx and I didnt pay a penny for it.

I dont understand that if they live together, why the partner cannot make up the short fall in the rent? He lives there too.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2014 14:53

Your friend isn't a RL version of the shopaholic, is she Tweed?

AlexVause82 · 29/09/2014 14:56

Unless she makes a habit out of this I wouldn't get my back up too much. Her BF may have paid for the trip - she's clearly too proud to tell him she's short.

She may have booked and paid for it a long time ago. I have had to borrow just before a trip

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 15:01

I'd worry about a few hundred I'd never see again. I wouldn't give it.

She needs to speak to her partner if she has been ill and is short on rent, not sponge off mates.

PurpleSwift · 29/09/2014 15:09

Did her oh not pay for it?

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 15:21

If they don't share finances, it's doubtful the partner paid for it.

And at any rate, he is the one to go to if she is short on rent, he lives with her.

Vvvooom · 29/09/2014 15:49

I agree you shouldn't lend it. I'd lie and say I had an unexpected bill and only mention the day out if she gets arsey. I lent my dearest friend several thousand, and that was the end if that friendship!

MintyChops · 29/09/2014 15:50

I'd go with what *JumpandTwist" suggests.....

MaidOfStars · 29/09/2014 16:03

Agree with PPs - she may have booked and paid or committed to pay for this trip long before she asked to borrow money. As a one-off, I'd let it go.

I know others might not agree but I don't necessarily see it as a problem to lend money for something that is entirely unnecessary/a luxury (as long as both parties are happy with the agreement).

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2014 16:06

I've been trying not to do this but:
"I know it's not a prize or gift, it was sorted out after I offered the shortfall in rent."

This is in the OP.

RedToothBrush · 29/09/2014 16:06

They BOTH live in the house, therefore the rent is the responsibility of BOTH of them. If one is short then the other MUST be the first person they go to for money. They are NOT separate entities and your friend needs a kick up the arse for asking you first not her partner. She put you in a very difficult position, regardless of the subsequent expensive day out.

Would you lend the same amount of money to the partner, if she was not with him and you knew him some other way? If the answer is no, which I suspect it will be, then that really should bring home what is going on here.

She is his responsibility and vice versa. The fact they have separate finances isn't your problem. Its them you have a piss poor relationship which you are getting sucked into the cross fire of.

If he won't stump up the cash, he's sponging off her. Its that simple.

Don't lend HIM the money.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 16:30

She only pays the rent, he pays for all other bills, shopping/car/council tax/etc. They have been together 6yrs so not a new relationship and still finding your feet.

Day out was 100% booked after she asked for money. I really don't mind giving her money if they short, but I was under the impression that her partner wouldn't be able to meet the shortfall, hence asking me, so not to stress him out.
I think he's paid for the day out.

Can't do sorry we need money this month, we've just a big lump some come in and out in very good jobs. We wouldn't really miss the money if it's given, it would come out of savings and not effect us in our monthly budget. Still sucks though

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 29/09/2014 16:32

Then just say you're no longer in a position to lend her the money. She doesn't need to know why - but if she asks, just be honest and say that you feel like you're funding her extravagant day out and she should be up front with her partner and borrow it (if she has to!) off him instead.

Vvvooom · 29/09/2014 16:32

Just tell her straight then. Say you are sorry but you thought she was cash-strapped, but if she isn't you don't want to lend it.

you might as well - you are already annoyed, so your friendship is in jeopardy anyway.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 16:34

Why asks if you're going to hand it over? You do not have to give it to her. She's a user. Cannot believe what mugs some people are. I need marks like this.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 16:36

Cannot imagine knowing someone who is such a wet lettuce they hand over hundreds from their savings to someone who spunky away money on days out OR someone who would sponge off a mate like this.

Had no idea people like this existed IRL.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 16:38

I just can't over the fact that she feels she can't ask her partner for it? Thinking something is going on or has happened before that is preventing that. Gut feeling and all. I hope there's not but in my world and what I've come across before it seems like a red flag?
Or am I way over thinking this?

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 29/09/2014 16:40

Her partner should make up the shortfall.

What is wrong with people Confused

WarblingOyster · 29/09/2014 16:41

If she knows you've got this lump sum and good jobs, then she knows you're in the position to give her the money, hence the moaning to you.
I can't believe people would just give up a large sum of money to people who are taking the piss.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2014 16:41

HEnce my question re. is she like a RL shopaholic, as in someone who squanders all her money and then lies like a bastard about it, despite promising to be good and not do it again. If she's a spendthrift, I can understand why her partner wouldn't want shared finances; and if he's bailed her out before I can also understand why she'd be reluctant to go to him again and tell him that she's fucked up again - but frankly, that's what she SHOULD do. And you should stay out of it!

(If you haven't read the Shopaholic books, one is enough to let you know that the heroine is a spendthrift, lying bastard who you just want to SLAP quite often. I still don't know how I read 2 of them - I think I was hoping (against hope, clearly) that the heroine would have grown up somewhat. No.)

Sunna · 29/09/2014 16:42

I'd tell her you assumed she no longer needed it having seen her big day out.

cees · 29/09/2014 16:43

She doesn't know what bills have come in the door so tell her you can't because you need it. Why does she know you and your partner have had a lump sum in recently, stop telling her about your finances, it's none of her business.

If you give her this money then your friendship will suffer, she will swan about spending your hard earned money and you will resent her for it because you have said that she can have it without paying a penny back, that's madness.

Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 16:44

If she's taking the piss then I won't be giving it to her, but I may well ask a few questions first I think, as too why she asked me instead of her partner. Just after doing some reading on here its got me thinking

OP posts:
Original poster
TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 16:47

We got given a some of money at a meal out by my dad. She was at that meal, my dad is the type to show off with money, and uses it instead of love. He made a big deal out of it to show the caring farther-which he's not, but that's a whole other thread

OP posts: