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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About not "lending" my friend money

117 replies

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 14:09

A very good friend of mine is struggling money wise at the moment. The friendship has always been rather even and fair, both putting equal effort in. She and her partner don't do shared finances, they have livid together for a few years, she won't ask her partner for money.
So she was moaning to me that she is short for the rent this month, she's been ill, and I was happy to offer the shortfall, a few hundred. I don't expect it back, even though she has offered to pay it back. However she had a expensive day out yesterday, her and her partner, and then she called me asking when I give her the money, no please or thank you. It's left me feeling rather used to be honest, the day out easily would of covered the rent, think theme park then night in 5* spa hotel, I know it's not a prize or gift, it was sorted out after I offered the shortfall in rent. Am I being unreasonable to not give her money now?

OP posts:

VinoTime · 29/09/2014 19:14

I lent money to a friend a few years back while I was on benefits (think £10 a week for food type of skint). There was snow on the ground and I had been given a £25 cold weather payment. I remember feeling rich having it I'd planned to put £15 extra into my electric meter so that me and dd could keep the heating on a little longer for a few days, and put £10 towards food that wasn't value pasta/beans/bread/tomatoes.

Long story short, a friend of mine was upset over an outstanding payment she couldn't afford to make and being the trusting muppet I was, I offered her my £25.00 after she promised to get it back to me the following day. I caught her the following day on the way back for Tesco, after she had avoided a couple of phone calls that morning, shopping bags in hands and puffing on a cigarette. She hadn't paid the bill, she had however bought herself a 6 pack of beer, 20 Mayfair and several other luxuries I could never afford.

I never saw the £25 and I dropped her after that. I think dd was around two and a half at the time and the idea of a 'friend' taking much needed money from me that could have kept us a bit warmer for a bit longer, so that she could overindulge for a day and night, really upset me.

Don't lend money to friends, OP. It rarely works out and isn't worth risking a friendship. Money affects people in the strangest ways

firesidechat · 29/09/2014 19:21

Oh that's horrible Vino and one of the reasons that I never lend money. Give money maybe, but only if I can comfortably afford it and I know the person really well.

cruikshank · 29/09/2014 19:26

Oh VinoTime that is so sad. I hope that you are living in much better circumstances now, but it must have been a real slap in the face and very hurtful.

poolomoomon · 29/09/2014 19:38

Is it possible she's embarrassed to mention it to her DP because he pays 90% of the bills and the 10% she's in charge of she can't afford? I know I'd feel really guilty asking DH for money towards the one bill I was in charge of if it wasn't equal and he practically paid everything... Could also be a spending/gambling problem as others have suggested that she also doesn't want him to know about.

The fact you stated in your OP that the friendship has always been equal and fair would suggest she isn't typically a 'sponger' or taking the piss with this request. Obviously there's some reason she doesn't want DP knowing. Is he from a 'higher' class than her perhaps and she doesn't want to feel undermined by him for being poor? I'm not sure really.

As others have said though DON'T lend money to friends. If the friend has any tact they'll be anxious about telling you about any days out they've had or things they've bought, you'll be annoyed when they do buy pretty much anything that doesn't seem necessary. It just isn't worth it IMO.

I'd lend it this time. You offered it knowing full well it's not money you desperately need and is from your savings so you won't notice it gone, you also stressed you didn't need it back so have already made it clear to her it isn't money you desperately need. Just hand it over and remember it's only paper in the end, is it really worth ending a good friendship over?

Original poster

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 19:41

Well just back from meeting up with her, turns out she was scared to ask her partner for money, he flies off the handle at her over money. Really losing his temper, he did pay for trip out as a "glad your feeling better" type thing. Told her he shouldn't be doing that, and that she needs to get out. She wasn't having any of it, says she loves him and he's her all. I don't know what to do know, obviously there is something going on behind closed doors, don't think she can see that yet though. I didn't lend her the money, did take a cheesecake round though to cheer her up.
As for her money she only gets ssp, so with being off work for a while it's ment thats where the shortfall has come from. He takes her extra money so she has no savings

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 19:59

If you give her money you are keeping this financial abuse going. He takes her extra money so you have to give her some? No way. Just keep repeating that she needs to get out. If she needs money for a deposit on a flat then maybe you could help out, but you shouldn't shore up his bad behaviour by giving her money.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 20:19

You cannot enable him.

Itsfab · 29/09/2014 20:23

So he is financially abusive. Don't' facilitate that by helping her out.

Bulbasaur · 29/09/2014 20:24

I never lend money, if people are short then the problem is living above their means (baring extenuating circumstances of course). The money is just a symptom. We're broke as all hell, and we still manage to pay our bills and have a tiny bit left over to buy small luxuries like going to the movies or a night out.

I have another friend that claims to always be broke and can't afford gas, but turns around and runs off to exotic places. She means well, but being broke does not mean you can't afford another vacation.

The point is, different people have different definitions of broke. My definition of broke is having to eat instant noodles for a few days until pay check so I can pay a bill. Other people's definition of broke could just mean they can't dine out like they're used to.

combust22 · 29/09/2014 20:30

Banks are there to lend money. I never borrow or lend to friends.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 20:32

I would offer her assistance for moving fees to X amount and/or deposit.

But I would not pay for her to stay with an abuser.

Sorry, but that is enabling.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 20:36

You just say, 'He is abusive. This is financial abuse. I can't enable it. I am here for support but I can't enable you to stay with him.'

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2014 20:41

"We got given a some of money at a meal out by my dad. She was at that meal, my dad is the type to show off with money, and uses it instead of love. He made a big deal out of it "

This is probably very cynical, but I wouldn't be too sure about this being a case of financial abuse. You've been friends for a long time, but this is the first time she's tapped you up. And this happened shortly after this meal out? Interesting timing.

I would consider if she just decided, following your dad's The Big I Am, that she wanted a slice of your good fortune and spun the requisite sob-story; and the 'scared to ask partner' was just embellishment because she'd sussed you were reconsidering.

Original poster

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 20:45

She's not ready to see the abuse yet though. Guess I'm just to be there for when the fallout happens, and try to get her to see what is going on. But definitely no lending money, although I will help her if she does leave him. Thankfully no kids involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 20:54

If the friendship hadn't been so even and fair then I would be cynical, but as it's been very 50/50 then I am more likely to believe her. Plus it's the little things like when we go out he always pays for the both of them, saying things like the man should pay and things like that, she never has her own money. She said he gives her a bit each week for coffees and picking up a little bit of shopping say £20, but she doesn't have anything else. We have never been on a clothes shopping trip, or anywhere that's more then a few pounds, but do meet up for a coffee shop chat on our own. It all just seems a bit odd. Think I am getting bits of a bigger puzzle.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2014 22:11

Yes it is financial abuse, I hope she sees the light soon

Tkmum23 · 29/09/2014 22:11

Test

BuggersMuddle · 29/09/2014 23:07

So she hands over her wages to her partner and gets pocket money back? Wow, he's really done a number on her

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2014 23:36

How does he take her extra money if they don't share finances?

musicalendorphins2 · 30/09/2014 00:01

If he takes her extra money she is not just paying for rent.
She should not be handling her money over to him, if she can't see she is being a fool, you better tell her. If she is a close friend as you say, she should realize you would not tell her she is being a fool to be mean but for her to open her eyes.
I would not lend her any money, I would act like a submissive housewife like she does and say my husband refuses to let me. (not that THAT would ever really happen!)

musicalendorphins2 · 30/09/2014 00:01

*handing

MrsHathaway · 30/09/2014 00:11

I did an online shop once for someone who claimed to be on the bones of her arse - it put me short for the month but I felt it was worth it.

Until the very next day she posted on FB about having spare cash now so she was off to buy cider and weed. I was pretty and our friendship did not survive.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it. Bits of a bigger puzzle sounds quite right.

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2014 10:21

As others have said, lending her the money isn't going to help her in this situation. But be there with whatever other support you can to help her see that this is really not an ok relationship for her to be in.

Any chance of getting her to start her own thread on here?

It can take a long while and a lot of repetition before women are prepared to accept that they are being abused, specially when it's not a matter of hiding the bruises.

ImperialBlether · 30/09/2014 10:32

Someone is being abused here, either the OP (by her friend) or the OP's friend (by her OH.)

OP, I have to say I think your friend is pulling a fast one on you.

cingolimama · 30/09/2014 16:35

Am I the only person on here who thinks that sometimes you DO lend or give money to friends or family? I'm really shocked at that everyone here seems to think it's a batshit crazy thing to do. Huh? I've lent money (and had it repaid) and borrowed money (always paying back) a lot over the years. Maybe I've just been lucky to have generous, honest, trusting, and trustworthy friends.

I hasten to add in this case I think OP shouldn't for all the reaasons discussed.

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