Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit :/.about this response

109 replies

worstdayever · 28/09/2014 13:16

It's my first anniversary yesterday and i was happy about it txt my mate, who I always listen to re: her relationships etc, "ive been married a year god its flown!" And I got "lucky you! Don't think I'll ever get married. " Confused Sad I haven't responded im a bit down about it tbh, i would be happy for someone maybe its just, feel a bit let down.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 28/09/2014 13:35

Your text sounds a bit like you're fishing for a congratulations or that you thought she had forgotten and you were trying to remind her she should have sent a card.

TinyDancingHoofer · 28/09/2014 13:35

It's like sending a text on your birthday saying " gosh I'm a whole year older"

SailorEverRose · 28/09/2014 13:38

I'd be a bit puzzled by your text tbh.

For me an anniversary is a celebration between the couple, so I'd ve confused by a text fishing for, well, I don't really know?? A well done?

Me too.

My best friend literally had her 1st wedding anniversary last week and I got her a card, flowers and a magazine (first year paper) and then she text me to say thank you and the whole can't believe how fast the year has gone.

I think if she had just randomly text me saying that I'd be slightly confused.

I also think the fact that you know your friend is feeling down about relationships you were rubbing it in (most likely unintentionally) but still maybe try to be more sensitive.

Most people (apart from the actual couple) give a shit about anniversaries. So YABU.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 28/09/2014 13:38

She was a bit off but unless she's always a bit off when it comes to good things happening to other people, I'd write it off as her feeling down. If she's always off then you need to think about that.

Itsfab · 28/09/2014 13:38

Congratulations FlowersWine

My PIL and BILS sent us an anniversary card every year and I send all DH's families one on theirs too. It is lovely to celebrate things and a first anniversary is special.

I would just accept she is feeling low about not being married and it is about her sadness not not wanting to celebrate your relationship.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 28/09/2014 13:38

I don't think she was off.

I think it's just there isn't a standard way of responding to that text, because it is a bizarre one to send. She may have been trying to be jokey, or funny - just give her the benefit of the doubt.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 28/09/2014 13:39

Do you like and care for your friend? If you do, then surely a natural response to her text would be concern? She sounds a bit down and sad about not being in a relationship. My instinctive reaction would have been to text/call her and ask her how she is and to apologise for being a bit insensitive wrt the wedding anniversary.

PlumpPartridge · 28/09/2014 13:40

Her reply was a bit self-involved, tbh. In terms of continuing the conversation, you would have had to do the 'oh, that's not true, you're awesome' thing as a response, so basically she was turning it around to herself. I would be a little disappointed too, I think, as the polite social thing for her to have said would be 'really happy for you mate :)' and leave it at that if she felt sensitive on the topic.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I think if a normally non-self-absorbed friend gets in touch with me and is excited about something that only involves them, then it would be a bit cruel of me to immediately shift the focus onto myself. I can shift it later perhaps, but not in the first sentence - it's poor manners :)

Smilesandpiles · 28/09/2014 13:46

Her reply was a bit self-involved, tbh

So was the text sent to her. "I've been married a year"

JeanneDeMontbaston · 28/09/2014 13:47

I don't see that it was self-absorbed.

If I'd been out on a date and texted my friend to say it went brilliantly, I would not be surprised by her replying 'ooh, lucky you! I'm going to be single forever!' It would be a joke, and yes, I would do the 'no, you're lovely' bit. Because friends are friends, not an adoring crowd required to cheer your every move.

OTOH it is possible the OP's mate is genuinely upset/being selfish ... but judging it from one text message where there isn't much of a social script for replies is a bit OTT.

diddl · 28/09/2014 13:48

is it usual to send out texts asking for congratulations?

i feel sorry for her tbh.

If she wanted to mark it she would have done.

If she's single, it must have felt as if you were really rubbing it in.

noseymcposey · 28/09/2014 13:50

She sounds a bit off, but your text might sound a tiny bit smug thing to a single friend, especially if she's not thrilled at being single. If I got that reply from a friend I think I would be concerned I'd been a bit tactless rather than being annoyed with my friend for not being happy enough for me.

noseymcposey · 28/09/2014 13:53

though having read it again also think it sounds like a fairly normal response. Certainly think OP you are being a bit U feeling let down by it :)

pinkdelight · 28/09/2014 13:57

You say that friends support each other through things, but this isn't something you need supporting through. You're essentially texting someone single saying 'gosh i'm so happily married'. What do you expect her to say?? Really? Just an anodyne 'Happy Anniversary'? Or her honest response, which is that you are very lucky and she wishes she could say the same. No idea why you're miffed. You were having a happy day and after your text she probably wasn't. Try to be a bit more sensitive.

mrspremise · 28/09/2014 13:57

I've been married for 13 years and have never sent any texts about our anniversary to anyone! I might possibly mention it in conversation if the subject were to come up, but I can't really think why anyone else would give a shiny shite it would. Don't 'show off' about being married, it's tacky...

Original poster
worstdayever · 28/09/2014 14:07

Plump partidge summed up the feeling very well, although thanks for all replies x

OP posts:
TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 28/09/2014 14:11

TBH I think it's a bit odd that on getting a text like that from a close friend your immediate reaction is "She is letting me down; I shall start a thread about it on the Internet" rather than "Oh dear, X sounds a bit down. I hope I didn't put my foot in it with the timing of that text; I'll give her a call later".

cardibach · 28/09/2014 14:12

plumppartridge summed it up in a way you agree with. Can't you see that your text was very self involved in the first place? It is your text which should call for a miffed and let down reaction , not your friend's. You, OP, are a smug married.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2014 14:14

She made the exchange all about her, immediately, so I can see why you're miffed. If this is yet another example of her being utterly self-absorbed then YANBU.

However she might feel, if she's single and unhappy about it, that you're being insensitive. Kind of like sending a homeless friend a text saying, "yay, a year in our gorgeous house!"

Perhaps she wasn't the friend to choose to send the text to.

m0therofdragons · 28/09/2014 14:20

I cannot imagine sending a message like that to a single friend. You say she's a good friend and she probably is happy you are happy but sending that text? You're one of those "smug" married people mentioned in Bridget Jones! And seriously, one year? Hardly achievement of the century.

NadiaWadia · 28/09/2014 14:23

I don't see what the problem is? It wasn't a bad response, possibly she is feeling a bit down, and as a good friend you should be concerned about her in that case, not miffed because - what - you didn't get the bog standard 'congrats' response you expected? She didn't say anything negative about you or your marriage, did she, so why are you annoyed?

I really don't get it, but then I can hardly be bothered to remember my own anniversary, let alone anyone else's!

Ragwort · 28/09/2014 14:25

I agree your text sounds a bit odd ......'god it's flown' Hmm - not sure what sort of response you'd really expect from that Confused.

Thurlow · 28/09/2014 14:26

Blimey, are we not supposed to talk to our friends any more or share if we're feeling happy about something? Confused I think that's a pretty normal text, I've certainly had texts from friends saying things like that. I think her reply was a wee bit off but nothing to really mull about, probably just caught her at a bad moment.

redexpat · 28/09/2014 14:28

I used to hate hearing stuff like that when I was single. I would feel: I am happy for you, but it really feels like you're rubbing it in their face, even though they know thats not your intention.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 28/09/2014 14:29

OP, I've been with my DP for well over 10 years now. I have a dear friend who has been single for that entire time, not through her choice. I wouldn't dream of sending her a text to say "wow, I've been in a relationship for a decade - it's flown by!!". What on earth would I be expecting her to respond to that? It's clearly insensitive and unnecessary. And anyway, I don't think that being in a relationship for a specific amount of time is an achievement or something to boast about. My friend is not lesser than me because she isn't in a long term relationship.

Expecting your friends to always be happy, and never refer to their own experience, is weird - they're human beings and sometimes they might not manage to hide their own feelings. As a friend, wouldn't you care about how they're feeling?