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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm cursed when it comes to workplaces?

100 replies

kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:24

Failing, miserable academic here.

One of the many reasons I'm failing is I'm not a very warm, gossipy person. I say hi to people, smile, ask them how they are (and listen to the answer), and then get on with my day's work (which is often pretty extensive). I don't stop work for conversations or long lunches, but obviously i talk nicely if I'm talked to.

In nearly every workplace I've ever been in, I've run up against people who hate me for some reason, and they're nearly all middle-aged women who are drama llamas, and who LOVE a bit of gossip. In every case they seem to spread a kind of self-fulfilling dislike of me, to everyone else, that just grows until I leave.

They usually have all sorts of reasons to hate me, so everything I do reinforces their dislike. Use my desk and filing cabinet? This office isn't all about you you know. Have a clean desk/empty filing cabinet? Stupid bitch isn't going to last, look, she isn't even keeping anything here. Wear normal clothes for an academic? Disrespectful bitch thinks she's better than us and doesn't need to dress up. Wear nice clothes? snobby vain bitch trying to point out she's paid more than us. Talk politely? snobby upper class bitch. Swear? Vulgar disgusting bitch. Ask about their weekend and talk briefly about mine? Whinging boring bitch droning on about her own life like anyone cares. Stay silent and just smile warmly because nothing I do or say seems to be right? snobby bitch who won't talk to us. Turn up to a departmental party? arrogant bitch thinks she's invited, she should f* off. Don't turn up? Arrogant bitch doesn't want to socialize with us and can't get on with anybody. Wear glasses? get them remarked on as being ugly. Wear contacts? get called disablist names for being stupid, because i have a turned eye.

I've had all of these in the last 8 months in my current workplace, but have experienced this before in a couple of different universities as well.

As these gossipy types are usually the superconnected node in the academic research group, they have the opportunity to spread all this to everyone else. I've been watching it spread this time. My boss is totally influenced by the gossipy one, and thinks I'm all the things that have been said - so I have no recourse to anyone to change this. There seems nothing i can do about it except leave.

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 26/09/2014 18:30

The best revenge is success.

Would you class your situation as workplace bullying?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 26/09/2014 18:35

When it gets to the point its a regular occurrence when work colleagues dont 'like' you its sometimes time to start looking at yourself and your own behaviour.
You could just be unluckly but there comes a time when you have to look a bit closer to home

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 26/09/2014 18:37

WTF are you working?

I have to say it is a small step from quiet to aloof.

WrigleysBum · 26/09/2014 18:39

How do you know people hold those particular opinions of you?

Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:39

sharon, yes, of course. I completely get that I'm rubbing these women up the wrong way, and that they think they are justified in disliking me.

But the thing is, there's diversity, and live and let live. Also, what am I doing wrong or right? Everything i do in front of these people is wrong, as I said. I'm reasonably sucessful academically - which is another thing they hate about me. Apparently i don't have a life because i do academic work. Or actually, the problem is that my life gets in the way of my work and I have my priorities all wrong and no devotion to the team, on the days when I go home earlier than someone who feels like criticising me. (I go home about the same time as other people btw...)

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 26/09/2014 18:40

How do you know people think all these things about you?

I work in an office with about 10 other females & never once have I thought this or had any concerns they've thought that about me!

Has someone told you they've made these remarks?

Evabeaversprotege · 26/09/2014 18:42

Well, if you insist talking in riddles they probably don't have time to work you out.

Or am I not academically successful enough to understand your point?

Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:42

Wrigleys - because they're expressed in a stage whisper while the gossip-monger is ostentatiously turned away from me, talking about me about 2 metres from my desk. Or because my boss bites my head off about them, a few weeks after the gossip-monger has started saying it about me.

Admit - yes, Smile I admit I know you're right. So I'm coming across as aloof. TBH these people are coming across as complete tools, but I'm the one with the problem, obviously....

OP posts:
Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:43

Evabeaver - cross post. i know this because it's said in front of me.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/09/2014 18:44

Wow.

How do you know all this?

Evabeaversprotege · 26/09/2014 18:44

Do you defend yourself?

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/09/2014 18:45

They call you bitch in front of you?

Nomama · 26/09/2014 18:46

Well, as I could have written that, I know what you mean.

It isn't me, it is definitely them. How do I know? Well, those who don't hate me or expect me to gossip, know all about the health of their next door neighbour, the cat and the anniversary of their grandmother's death, regularly take refuge in my office to escape the piss taking, back stabbing, gossiping bitches who make my/our work life a tad difficult!

I had my revenge on one a year or so ago, I was published in an area in which she is 'The Expert' and she quoted it before she realised it was me Smile. She quoted me in a way that means she can't take it back, she used my paper as part of her reasoning for her proposed project.

Of course, she hates me even more now and is now actively trying to get me sidelined. But I think I can sit her out. Or maybe I will apply for something else she covets... if I were the person she says I am, I would!

Viviennemary · 26/09/2014 18:46

There are usually going to be people you're not keen on at work. But there's usually a few nice people too. But if it's got to the stage where you hate everyone and also think they hate you it's time to move on. But if you're giving out vibes that you are far and above this kind of work then they might be resentful of that. Not saying you are of course but it's something to consider.

sonjadog · 26/09/2014 18:46

If this happens at every workplace you've had, then I would suggest that maybe the problem does not lie within the workplace. Do you have a friend you could ask honestly about how you come across to other peope, and could you tackle hearing potentially negative things about yourself?

Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:50

NoodleOodle, it's a peculiar kind of workplace bullying in a workplace where there is huge disparity in pay and conditions, and expectations of workload.

There's a lot of resentment around workload vs. pay. I work 100 hour weeks and get paid about 30% more than someone at the next desk who works 35 hour weeks (though i don't get paid for overtime and i am expected to work those hours).

OP posts:
Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:53

sonjadog - it's happened in 3 workplaces out of 7 i've worked in (academic careeers tend to move around a lot - I'm not job hopping because of this).

I suspect the problem is with me. But my friends tend to say stuff like Nomama!

OP posts:
Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 18:55

Viviennemary - I try to be polite, similey and warm when spoken to, and am busy otherwise. See point about expectation of 100 hour weeks...

But i do get I'm probably coming across as queen ice cubes to these people - the question is can I actually ever do anything about it? I seem to just instantly rub them up the wrong way - here, it started on the first day as I was walking into the office and putting my bag down by my desk... "this office isn't all for you, you know"...

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/09/2014 18:58

What did you do when they said that?

What do you do when they say any of it?

'Do you ever say 'Lol, last week it was this and now it's the complete opposite. If you are going to bitch about me, can you at least be consistent? Thanks'.

Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 19:03

Funky - normally, it's a conversation being held in a whisper, with backs turned towards me and frequent looks over the shoulder. If I go over and join in, they stop talking and just stare at me and ask in akind of faux-ingratiating way if they can help me with something.

So I can't really do anything about it - joining in isn't an option. I try to not respond, because I have responded in a different situation in the past, and got accused of aggression by the boss, for asking if there was something i'd done to amke the situation like this.

It's actually pretty similar to playground bullying.

OP posts:
Nomama · 26/09/2014 19:03

Kiri, you'll just have to accept that your more professional, detached manner doesn't go down well with colleagues who prefer friendship groups at work.

Personally I hate having to know about a colleague's home life. I really don't care. They are not friends. Why would I want to know about their family etc? I just want to work with them.

And that makes me an aloof, stuck up bitch. Oddly, those colleagues who don't mind if I don't want to cuddle their newborn when they come back off maternity leave, look at pictures of their family parties, those who accept I don't do birthdays, christmas, no cards, never ever, I get on with them and can be persuaded to pass the time of day, have a cup of coffee, eat lunch, chat. I can be pleasant, just not BFF with people I only know because I work in the same Uni as them!

Brodicea · 26/09/2014 19:05

Academia is very bitchy - most people feel very insecure about their position, all the time from early career researchers (probably wanting desperately not to be the person picked on and to be 'in' with the powerful) to those who know they are a snide comment away from oblivion. You don't join in with this and are therefore a threat.

It's hard but I have found those that survive (this is observational as I work in support roles, but have started and stalled on my PhD for similar reasons) have very thick skins. These uber bitches will have enemies - keep being yourself, and keeping your integrity and it will pay off. I hasten to add that not all academic departments are like this - just most of them! You might just have to find your 'home' in time.

Also - be careful that you don't become stuck by always expecting the worst. Try and approach each relationship afresh. Easier said than done.

Original poster
kiritekanawa · 26/09/2014 19:17

Nomama and Brodicea, thanks for the words of encouragement.

If I had friends who said "um, honestly, you come across as a stuck up rude cow", I'd ask for details and work to change it. It made the beginning of my PhD, and then the beginning of a new job in a new country, and now this new job in a different country, totally miserable. I don't want things to be like this. But I strongly suspect that if I were all warm and friendly and spent my days gossiping - well not only do I not have time for that - it'd soon enough backfire on me anyway.

OP posts:
ItsDinah · 26/09/2014 19:25

Why are so many academics so awful? Difficult to advise without knowing more about your respective jobs and qualifications.It sounds as if you are a young thing and it may help if you can find an older female mentor in the same field.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/09/2014 19:26

Do you really want to get this stopped?

Each time they say something in their whisper, get out your notebook, look pointedly at your watch, and write the time and date and exactly what was said, and who said it and who was also there. Do this each time.

If they ask, say 'I have been advised to record every instance of workplace bullying' and say no more.