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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell our families when I go into labour?

93 replies

Annahmolly · 26/09/2014 13:32

My husband and I were watching 'one born every minute' last night. The father was texting people updates in the delivery room whilst the mother was in agony. I told my husband that I don't want anyone to know when I go into labour. I just think the process of giving birth is a private affair, and don't see any reason to share gory details, which is surely what people will expect if they keep ringing or texting my husband? I also think it will stress me out to know that people are thinking about me and worrying, especially if it takes a long time. If something bad happens I also want the time to take this in before others are told.

Neither of our families live in the UK, so they wouldn't come to the hospital or anything. I love his family dearly, but they can be pretty nosey and ask some pretty strange questions sometimes. I imagine his mother calling to ask how many centimeters dilated I am... Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit here but she did ask my husband when my last period was, when he told her I was pregnant. I have also had questions about what I was doing in the bathroom at night when we are staying with them, if they have heard me get up!

I don't really want to tell my family either, as they would just worry and I do not see the point. My husband says he respects my decision, even though he doesn't really understand it. He says people will probably start calling every day when we get close to the due date, and what should he say then? I just don't know if I'm being overly private about this.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2014 13:33

Yanbu

Hassled · 26/09/2014 13:35

No, don't tell anyone. When I had my fourth, my mate (who was kindly looking after the older ones) kept ringing the maternity unit to see what was going on - a MW would poke her head in the door every couple of hours and say "Gladys just rang again". I was ready to kill Gladys by the time I got home with the baby.

NowWeAreFree · 26/09/2014 13:36

I don't think that asking when your last period was or how many centimetres you are dilated is a big deal IMO.

YANBU to not want your husband to be constantly on the phone whilst you're giving birth, I cant imagine any woman being happy about this.

CMOTDibbler · 26/09/2014 13:39

YANBU - theres no need to tell them till the baby is born

Jackiebrambles · 26/09/2014 13:39

I totally agree with you, YANBU.

We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour. I told my family that we were going to do this and they were happy - they would only worry when it takes a long time!!

My DH didn't tell his family or anyone either.

It took 16 hours from mucus plug going to EMCS for me. We called parents about an hour after I came out of surgery I think.

Also, ew at your MIL asking about your periods

Eminybob · 26/09/2014 13:40

Nope, not U at all.

We didn't tell anyone until after DS was born. I know our mums were pissed off, but 1. I wouldn't have wanted either of them there, and 2. All they actually need to know is that a healthy baby has been born, not all the in between bits.

lacksdirection · 26/09/2014 13:40

Why can't your DH switch his phone off while you're at the hospital?

I would think it a little odd if my child was having a baby and didn't mention they'd gone into labour, but rather just mentioned they'd had the baby after the event.
Incidentally, when would you tell the family you have had the baby?
How will you respond when they say 'Why didn't anyone tell us you had gone into labour?'
Is your DH going to reply 'We didn't say because we didn't think you needed to know/my wife didn't want anyone knowing?

I could understand it if they were insisting on rocking up at the hospital but they're not going to, so I'd probably just tell them you think baby is on its way and will update them when there's any news.

DinoSnores · 26/09/2014 13:45

Each time I've had a baby, no one has asked me, 'Why didn't anyone tell us you had gone into labour?' and if they did, the answer would be, 'We didn't want anyone to know until we definitely had news.'

No one has called me every day and when we have this one (due now), no one (apart from those people looking after the children!) will know until a baby is born.

Roobix04 · 26/09/2014 13:46

I understand. I didn't want anyone to know but unfortunately we were relying on a lift from mil and I had to cancel a visit from my sister so everyone knew.
Also really pissed me off that my mil was supposed to bring my overnight bag and I'd told dp I didn't want anyone in so I wanted her to leave it at reception but was pressured into letting her in for "five mins". She stayed for ages to listen to the babies heartbeat and of course was accompanied by my sil who is still attached to her mum by the umbilical cord apparently.

Charitybelle · 26/09/2014 13:48

Totally up to you when you tell people. My labour was only9 hours start to finish so didn't even think about ringing anyone til it was all over, but some people do, that's up to them. It's whatever you're happy with, you're the one having the baby!

5madthings · 26/09/2014 13:51

Yanbu we didn't tell people though for some of the births they knew I was going in to be induced, purely down to childcare though.

As for asking when your last period was that is odd Ffs.

I agree people knowing can add pressure and make you feel more stressed and I also didn't want people worrying.

We phoned within an hour of the birth to tell people. Although some family opted not to be told if it was late at night/early in the morning they didn't want to be woken!

LittleBairn · 26/09/2014 13:53

Roobix that's my worst nightmare.
My poor sister had my mother and father sit with her in labour then all the grandparents waited outside the hospital for hours and then were let in very soon after the birth for a few minutes each. My poor sister had a traumatic delivery. Fortunately for her second they were all to busy arguing how long they each got to have their grandson while she was hospitalised to bother her.

GoblinLittleOwl · 26/09/2014 13:54

I didn't tell my parents, as I knew my mother would worry dreadfully; she dated from the time when women died in labour. My husband went straight round to tell them when the baby was safely born.

AMumInScotland · 26/09/2014 13:58

Pretty strange to ask when your last period was. The polite question is "When's it due?"

jeee · 26/09/2014 13:59

You're being perfectly reasonable....

But you need to get into the habit of not answering phone calls from your family, so that when they can't get you on the phone they don't automatically assume you're giving birth.

FreiasBathtub · 26/09/2014 14:01

I've been having this debate with my DH. In my family it's very much 'hello, how are you, by the way we've had a baby', but it apparently hadn't occurred to his side (parents and siblings) that they wouldn't be told as soon as I went into hospital.

It's my first and I can imagine a lot of faffing around (going in, coming out again because it's too soon, going back in, everything taking ages) which surely they'd need updating on or else they'd worry about why it's apparently taking 48 hours to get this baby out? I was also a bit miffed at their assumption that they had a right to know, although I've since calmed down and recognised that it's just a different way of doing things to my family.

In the end I think we've compromised that both sides can choose to be told that I've gone into labour but they shouldn't expect any further updates until the baby is here, and any attempts to get further updates will likely be met by the irate bellowings of a pain-demented woman whose husband should be focused exclusively upon her and not upon his text messages!

harrowgreen · 26/09/2014 14:02

YANBU.

They don't need to know. What purpose does it serve?

There's something very special about it just being the two (and then three of you): like you have this little secret and are all closeted away from the world in your own precious little bubble.

Once news gets out you'll be inundated with texts/calls/visits etc: keep it close for a while.

I say this bitterly, since with #1 DH was on the phone updating my mother when the baby's heartrate plummeted, the emergency button was hit and they started wheeling me out to theatre. Fortunately the heartrate recovered and I carried on laboring, but I was a total wreck by the time he came back . That was the one time in my entire 42hr labor he left the room, and it just happened to be probably one of the scariest five minutes of my life.

Luckily #2 was born abroad (planned) so he wasn't making length phone calls due to the time difference.

With #3 my mum will be coming to watch the children so they'll obviously know, but I don't intend to provide regular updates: they will be told once baby is safely here.

And BTW your MIL's interest in you seems a little unhealthy... Maybe they're a very sharing family, but I'd be confused as to why they feel the need to ask those sorts of questions. I'm an extremely open person, whom it takes an awful lot to embarrass so it's not that: those sorts of questions just seem a little unnecessary (and would tempt me to make up ridiculous answers...;) )

stopprojecting · 26/09/2014 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/09/2014 14:04

I didnt want any fuss with my first, however we had my DDad on stabdby for lifts. I then felt it unfair if my parents knew we had gone into hospital amd DHs didnt so he text his with "Hacked has gone into labour, phone going off, will update once baby is here and we are settled, please dont put anything on Facebook"

This time round my DMum is on babysitting standby and we will send the same text

You can just not tell them if you want, or tell them the absoloute bare minimum and switch off the phone.

ebwy · 26/09/2014 14:04

I'm the queen of not telling! no-one knew I was pregnant with the eldest until I was about 7 months gone.

and the responses I got when I did tell confirmed I was right.

Don't tell unless you want to. Your uterus, your business.

magicalmrmistofelees · 26/09/2014 14:05

Haha I completely agree. I told my DH that if told anyone what state my cervix was in I would not be amused! Why would anyone need to know how dilated you are?! We planned not to tell our families but did in the end as their messages made it clear they knew something was up (at 6 days overdue, radio silence is fairly telling). However I didn't tell them until I was admitted to hospital (had been in slow labour for 48 hours previously!) and they got one update, limited to 'all progressing as expected'. My mum did try and call the maternity unit but obviously they couldn't tell her anything.

Yadnbu OP. Your body, you do what makes you feel happy.

magicalmrmistofelees · 26/09/2014 14:07

And if anyone asked me 'why didn't you tell me you had gone into labour' I would reply 'I was somewhat preoccupied'. And as to when to tell them you'd had the baby, surely just when you have had a bit of a rest afterwards and are ready to let the rest of the world in?

MrsCosmopilite · 26/09/2014 14:08

YABU to watch OBEM! :)

I avoided it like the plague when I was pregnant with DD because I thought that I would spend every second of labour/birth comparing myself to the women on the telly.

Your body, your birth, your rules.

FWIW, we did update FIL/MIL and my (late) Dad with progress at 12 hourly intervals. Anybody else was informed of DD's arrival in due course.

Mintyy · 26/09/2014 14:08

Yanbu.

I had an elective c-section for my second child and that extra pressure of having to let everyone know asap was a bit of a pita tbh.

Sillysausage2 · 26/09/2014 14:13

YANBU I was induced at 14 days over so family knew I was in, my mum and friend were texting OH so when the pushing started he switched off the phones, my mum freaked out and rang the labour ward (she had 2 ECS so was worried when she couldn't get us) LO had just come out and the nurse came in to say my mum was on the phone!
I wanted us to have an hour or two alone before anyone even knew she was there

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