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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell our families when I go into labour?

93 replies

Annahmolly · 26/09/2014 13:32

My husband and I were watching 'one born every minute' last night. The father was texting people updates in the delivery room whilst the mother was in agony. I told my husband that I don't want anyone to know when I go into labour. I just think the process of giving birth is a private affair, and don't see any reason to share gory details, which is surely what people will expect if they keep ringing or texting my husband? I also think it will stress me out to know that people are thinking about me and worrying, especially if it takes a long time. If something bad happens I also want the time to take this in before others are told.

Neither of our families live in the UK, so they wouldn't come to the hospital or anything. I love his family dearly, but they can be pretty nosey and ask some pretty strange questions sometimes. I imagine his mother calling to ask how many centimeters dilated I am... Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit here but she did ask my husband when my last period was, when he told her I was pregnant. I have also had questions about what I was doing in the bathroom at night when we are staying with them, if they have heard me get up!

I don't really want to tell my family either, as they would just worry and I do not see the point. My husband says he respects my decision, even though he doesn't really understand it. He says people will probably start calling every day when we get close to the due date, and what should he say then? I just don't know if I'm being overly private about this.

OP posts:

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:39

I disagree, I think mums are better off knowing.

I will worry about my kids for as long as I live. They don't have to hide stuff from me to stop me from worrying.

I don't know one single person who kept their labour a secret from their parents.

cheminotte · 26/09/2014 17:41

Yanbu. Was vague on due date both times to avoid constant phone calls. However dc1 was elcs so arrival date was known - but then he was a week early! Dc2 was premature and had to cancel visit from dp's family so they knew. Did not occur to me to tell my mum though, she got phone call after the arrival.

Fluffyears · 26/09/2014 17:42

Oh god my mil would be a bloody nightmare. We get at least three calls a day and has no concept that phoning at 1am during the week is not on!

Redefined · 26/09/2014 17:45

Each to their own usual
I do agree that worrying about ones children is a lifelong occupation!

exexpat · 26/09/2014 17:53

It didn't even occur to me to let my parents or in-laws know when I was in labour. Telling my mother would have been a bad idea anyway, as she gets very anxious about health stuff and my first labour lasted about 24 hours. She'd have been frantic with worry by the end of it. Much better to tell them once the baby has safely arrived.

4seasons · 26/09/2014 18:00

Just tell both sets of parents that you will let them know when the baby has arrived safely . If they call during labour .... or at any other inconvenient time related to your pregnancy / relationship etc. do not answer the phone. You are adults with a life of your own and don't have to report in to mummy and daddy every five minutes or discuss private stuff like when your last period was ( I was staggered by this and personally would have told mil to get lost !)

I appreciate that other people want their parents to know what's going on step by step but you aren't one of them . So, do what you want to do . These people aren't in charge of your lives .

APipkinOfPepper · 26/09/2014 18:02

We didn't let anyone know with DC1 - but then, it was the middle of the night! With DC2 my parents knew as they looked after DC1. I can't even remember if DH let MIL know too to keep it fair! I have a pretty good relationship with my mum (I think so at least - maybe she's really hurt that I didn't wake her up to let her know I was in labour all those years ago?). However, it's not really a "text multiple times a day" relationship, so maybe it depends on what kind of family you are? Anyway, YANBU in my opinion.

raffle · 26/09/2014 18:05

Agree with usual, I had DM with me during labour as well as DH. I loved her being there and she loved it too :)

I don't understand why people hate the idea of others having to wait and worry while they are in labour. It's exciting to wait for the happy news

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 26/09/2014 18:07

Well, because they aren't just waiting for happy news. Their baby is in pain. Possibly having complications. And there is nothing they can do. My mum much preferred not knowing.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 18:36

I would want to know and offer support if any of my kids were in pain for ant reason.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 18:37

I find it very strange that you wouldn't want to know. But everyones different.

5madthings · 26/09/2014 18:41

I like my mum, she is visiting this weekend. We speak a few times a week, often txt and keep in contact most days tbh. Still didn't want her to know when I wad in Labour. Didn't want anyone other than myself and dp to know. We called asap once baby arrived. She knew roughly with ds3 and dd due to childcare. With ds2 my mil knew due to childcare.

I went really overdue with all five and hated the constant questioning etc I tried yo be vague about due dates but still lots of calls etc. I didn't want them worrying. Yrs it's generally a happy occasion bit things can still go wrong and knowing others would be worrying would stress me out which isn't good for Labour.

Each to their own but it's not unreasonable or u usual to not tell people when you Stein Labour and I won't be bothered what choice my children make.

LocalVelvet · 26/09/2014 18:46

YANBU

exexpat · 26/09/2014 18:50

Usualsuspect - the main reason I wouldn't want my mother to know is that I hate being the focus of someone else's worry and anxiety.

Maybe if I had a more laid-back mother who would just be happy and excited about the impending arrival, rather than worrying about everything that might go wrong, I would have been more inclined to tell her. With the way she is, it would just have been cruel to keep her in a constant agony of worrying for 24 hours.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 26/09/2014 19:11

"I would want to know and offer support if any of my kids were in pain for ant reason."

Yeah, but in labour she couldn't. It wasn't as if I was going to call for a chat. And I'm not the sort of person who'd want my mum there. So she couldn't support me. All she could do is worry. That's why she preferred not knowing.

If she could have helped, she would absolutely have wanted to know.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/09/2014 19:20

Sorry, going back a couple of pages now but this struck me:

I don't think that asking when your last period was or how many centimetres you are dilated is a big deal IMO.

On what PLANET?!

I will know I've lived long enough when people start sticking their mobiles up their fanjos in the middle of proceedin's so they can stick a picture of their dilating cervix on FB... (Or maybe they do that already? Please don't tell me, I don't want to die just yet.)

LokiBear · 26/09/2014 19:20

YANBU. I didn't want to tell our families either. We did because I was hospitalised two days before I gave birth because I had the markers for pre - eclampsia. My mum insisted on coming to see me which was great on the first night when I was slightly freaking out. However, on the second day mil followed by my parents came to see me. My contractions had started naturally and although mil left to allow my parents to visit she knew that things were starting so did text, although not much. My mum stayed until she was kicked out! I got to the point where I was practically yelling at her to go but she was just too excited. DD didn't arrive until. The early hours so they were all on tenterhooks all night and DH got a bit fed up of answering texts. When we called to announce dd was here everyone was exhausted be caused they'd stayed up! It was lovely in a way, but I'd have preferred to have just been able to ring them after the fact and say 'Guess what?! You are grandparents!!' Can't do that next time around because some one will need to look after dd so they will all know again. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

hormonalandneedingcheese · 26/09/2014 20:56

YANBU at all and as someone who was on the receiving end of shit loads of texts from 'the mucus thing's gone' to 'keep seeing the top of his head so not long now'- thank you!

The last thing i wanted when trying to sleep before a long day at work and then slogging through was continuous half hour updates. Yes i was so happy when my friend's son was born, no I did not need a blow by blow description. I'm with you OP, it's private. If I get to do it then it will be staying that way.

Original poster

Annahmolly · 26/09/2014 21:23

Thanks so much for all your replies! Some of them really made me

OP posts:

Lucylouby · 26/09/2014 21:32

I phoned my mum when I went into labour with dc1. Labour lasted 2 days, with me going into hospital at5am on the second day and dd being born at 22.30. I was 7cm when I went in, so I phoned mum as she wanted to be kept updated. She then expected baby to be with us quickly and when she hadn't heard she phoned the hospital. She kept phoning and DH in the end told the mw he didn't want to speak to her again. She was worried, but did she really think we wouldn't have told her when dd arrived. The reason she hadn't got a phone call was because their was nothing to tell.

I think you are doing the right thing in not telling them, what they don't know, won't worry them. It will be a huge surprise to get a phone call to say baby has been born then and surely they won't be cross they didn't know you were in labour once baby is safely here?

clam · 26/09/2014 21:55

Slightly off-topic, I know, but dh told (lovely) mil when I went into labour and she said she would cancel going into London for a planned trip. He tried to persuade her to stick with her plans, saying it would be a long time and she couldn't do anything much to help, blah-di-blah, but no, she said she wouldn't go.

The train she always took to return home from such day trips crashed that day, just outside Watford!

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2014 22:07

Annie I have some chronic oversharers (who I find perversely fascinating) on my Facebook and not even they have gone that far yet.

You've some time left yet.

MsVestibule · 26/09/2014 22:07

I couldn't have not told my Mum that I was in labour! However, she's not the type to expect constant updates and knew that the next she'd hear was "You're a Grandma (again)!"

However, if she was like your MIL, I'd have been keeping schtum. Honestly, what sort of person harasses already busy midwives, or expects the DP to send text updates? DP was too busy handing me the gas and air!

diaimchlo · 26/09/2014 22:57

I am 100% with you Usualsuspect33 I was with my DD & DP through all 4 of her labours in fact labour No2 I delivered my DGD on my sofa.

I can not begin to think how I would have felt not knowing that my DD was in labour until after the birth. When my DS's DP went into labour I was told and not once did I phone the hospital out of respect for all involved.

I personally feel that you are being overly private OP, but the choice is yours.... your family do seem to ask stupid invasive questions and in your position I would have told them so and asked them not to be so nosey.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2014 23:11

My mum, to whom I am very close, has already said she has no desire to be with me when I give birth unless my DH can't be. I'm not even pregnant yet! I wouldn't want her there either, in the room or waiting outside.

I imagine she'd know without being told, as we text daily.

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