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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell our families when I go into labour?

93 replies

Annahmolly · 26/09/2014 13:32

My husband and I were watching 'one born every minute' last night. The father was texting people updates in the delivery room whilst the mother was in agony. I told my husband that I don't want anyone to know when I go into labour. I just think the process of giving birth is a private affair, and don't see any reason to share gory details, which is surely what people will expect if they keep ringing or texting my husband? I also think it will stress me out to know that people are thinking about me and worrying, especially if it takes a long time. If something bad happens I also want the time to take this in before others are told.

Neither of our families live in the UK, so they wouldn't come to the hospital or anything. I love his family dearly, but they can be pretty nosey and ask some pretty strange questions sometimes. I imagine his mother calling to ask how many centimeters dilated I am... Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit here but she did ask my husband when my last period was, when he told her I was pregnant. I have also had questions about what I was doing in the bathroom at night when we are staying with them, if they have heard me get up!

I don't really want to tell my family either, as they would just worry and I do not see the point. My husband says he respects my decision, even though he doesn't really understand it. He says people will probably start calling every day when we get close to the due date, and what should he say then? I just don't know if I'm being overly private about this.

OP posts:

magpiegin · 26/09/2014 14:18

YANBU. We didn't even tell people the exact due date! We told everyone when she arrived!

Subhuman · 26/09/2014 14:25

Luckily my family are pretty good at knowing the limit so when my wife was in labour we let the closest family know and then let them spread the updates to anyone else. Every now and then if there was a an update (but during a calm spell) we'd send out a bulk text to the same family but they wouldn't chase us up on things as they knew we were a little busy.

If you think your family is reasonable enough to treat it like that, then tell them, otherwise just tell them you'll let them know when the baby is born but you're going to be busy (then if you really want to be evil, tell them in graphic detail what being busy will entail)

moxon · 26/09/2014 14:34

jee has a good point re not answering calls.
I definitely wouldn't want to nor did tell family/people. Um.. Well, let me come clean. Recently had a home birth planned and on that morning mil was meant to come round to drop something off so when dh phoned to cancel she obviously guessed. Then I felt it was only fair to tell dm too, otherwise she would never have forgiven me. I hated both of them knowing, but luckily giving birth took my mind off it for a bit.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 26/09/2014 14:37

God no YANBU.

For my first, my mum happened to ring for a chat when I was in early labour and so knew. That was Sunday. The baby wasn't born until Tuesday. I hated that they were all waiting on me.

Second time we told no one. Third time my mum knew that 'tonight might be the night' as she was our childcare if I'd needed to go to hospital (home birth).

I think it is very individual. The pp who said "Luckily my family are pretty good at knowing the limit so when my wife was in labour we let the closest family know and then let them spread the updates to anyone else. Every now and then if there was a an update (but during a calm spell) we'd send out a bulk text to the same family but they wouldn't chase us up on things as they knew we were a little busy.". Well that would be an utter nightmare for me. The thought of people in the background texting and calling each other and spreading information gives me the jitters even now, and I've done having babies.

I also lied about due dates to everyone except my mum, to avoid the 'have you had it yet' stuff, and routinely rarely answer my phone even when not pregnant!

Bilberry · 26/09/2014 14:55

We didn't tell anyone with #1. With #2 we told our neighbour who was looking after dd1. #3 we told the same neighbour who was looking after dd1 and dd2. Family were told a few hours after the baby had arrived. My DM even said they were happy to wait until morning if it arrived in the night!

DeWee · 26/09/2014 15:03

I wouldn't have wanted people to know because I'd have felt they were waiting impatiently. Dm would probably have convinced herself I'd died if I hadn't contacted within a few hours too.

I never knew how dilated I was until during labour either, and I think I only had 2 internals during labour with dd1 and none the others, so if people had wanted to knwo that they wouldn't have got very far as i didn't know.

As it happened both dm and mil did guess during labour of dd1 as they phned the evening I was in labour.
However when I was in labour with ds (dc3) dh spoke on the phone to mil while I was in labour upstairs. It wasn't that we were deliberately deceiving her, but I'd been stopping and starting all day, and didn't really want to say anything on the basis it looked like might be like that for some time. As it happened about 30 minutes after him coming off, I went into full blown labour and ds was born a couple of hours later, but at the time we didn't know that would happen.

Tell people not to call every day, and that the phone won't always be answered if you're tired as you're making the most of unbroken nights. It would have driven me crazy having people phoning every day.

Teddybeau1988 · 26/09/2014 16:07

Yanbu to do that at all.

We only told mil as she was babysitting when we had DC 2 & 3.

We made the mistake of letting my sister know with dd2 when I was going in for an induction. She took it upon herself to find the visiting times and turn up. When she wasnt there she was constantly ringing for updates which was irritating as it was a long, slow induction lasting a few days. When we finally got into labour, she turned up in the labour ward as we had stopped returning calls. Just after I delivered she managed to sneak herself and her dp into the room as I was being sown up

When we had DS several months ago all she got was a phone call once we were all home and settled afterward.

CulturalBear · 26/09/2014 16:15

YANBU - I did the same, and upset my family a bit, but my reason's were twofold: one, I want it to be about creating 'my' family and two, I didn't want anyone worrying.

In the end, this was a good thing because from waters breaking to DS was over 48 hours. This would have been worrying and stressful for everyone concerned, and NOT conducive to a calm birthing experience.

DC2 will be different because someone will need to have DS, but I can rely on DP's family (closer) not to tell anyone.

Gatehouse77 · 26/09/2014 16:47

It did not even occur to me to do that!

With No.1 we were living at my Mum's so she knew (it was a home birth). My brother had no idea until he woke up that morning and left for work pretty promptly!

My Mum rang my other siblings at a reasonable hour (my labour started at 1am) but nobody came till after the actual birth.

HungryHorace · 26/09/2014 17:14

Definitely NBU. We didn't tell anyone when I was in labour with DD as I didn't want to be bothered by people texting for info about my cervix. As it was, it was a fast labour which ended in EMCS, so I was glad nobody knew. We rang people almost as soon as I was in recovery.

With DS, he was an ELCS and we didn't tell many people the date (both mothers and my sister) as again, I didn't want to be chased in case it was delayed (it was). Again, we rang people as soon as I was hooked up to monitors in recovery.

There's no benefit to other people knowing (unless they're helping with childcare etc), so there's nothing wrong with not saying, IMO.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:19

I would know if my DD went into labour , if she suddenly stopped answering my texts etc. We are in contact every day.

I think YABU. I think it's odd to keep it secret from your families.

But it's up to you really.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:21

Knowing my DD she would text me herself all through her labour

I was there at the birth of her first DD, so she had to tell me.

misog2000 · 26/09/2014 17:22

My DH was given strict instructions that the only person to be told I was in labour was my best friend, and that was only because I needed her to look after my horse for me. I was planning a home birth, and wasn't convinced that the in laws wouldn't roll up at the door if they hadn't had an update frequently enough!

As it turned out I went in to be induced, and she was born 6 hours later so there was no time for anyone to bug us even if they had known, but I think it would have stressed me out knowing that people were waiting for news, so still glad we kept it to ourselves.

hamptoncourt · 26/09/2014 17:24

YANBU - I think most people I know only told their families after the baby was born. It's more of a special surprise that way.

You tell your parents and get DH to tell PILS that you want it to be a lovely surprise so you won't be answering the phone much around that time and you will let them know in due course.

Fuck 'em

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:25

How sad to say fuck 'em about your parents.

hamptoncourt · 26/09/2014 17:27

You wouldn't say that if you knew my parents usual

DanyStormborn · 26/09/2014 17:27

I'm pregnant with my first and I plan on telling nobody except for DH when I go into labour. We'll let close family and best friends know a couple of hours after the birth in case I want visitors. Extended family and other friends will be informed when we're home. It's my choice and I want to be left alone to labour without feeling everyone is waiting, I also want to discourage too many visitors when I'm getting to grips with breastfeeding. looking five years or so ahead but I guess our second will have to be different as somebody will have to look after the first when DH and I are in hospital.

fluffyraggies · 26/09/2014 17:27

YANBU

I was in hospital for 2 days laboring and DH pretended we were still at home (till DD3 let the cat out of the bag!) We didn't want people waiting and worrying. Also we wanted a bit of peace for the first few hours after baby was born.

Would i mind if any of my DDs kept quiet about going into labor if/when they have kids? Honestly - no. I would understand. At the moment DD2 says i'm the only one she wants in with her if she has kids. Bless. I'm touched. I'm sure she'll change her mind if/when the time comes though :)

HungryHorace · 26/09/2014 17:29

My mum didn't want to know with DD as she has anxiety issues and would've worried until she'd been told baby was here.

As DS was an ELCS, she was happy to know.

But I see no reason why the entire family should know about being in labour; it's really nothing to do with them.

But obviously every family has their own ideas about that.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:30

Fortunately my grown up kids seem to like me.

usualsuspect333 · 26/09/2014 17:32

I think it is something to do with you if your daughter is in labour. Maybe I have an odd family though

Redefined · 26/09/2014 17:35

YANBU ..... and as a grandmother who did know when DD went into labour, I would have to say that mums are probably better off not knowing! all that happens is non-stop worry and lying awake all night until the phone call comes announcing the arrival. I would rather skip the sleepless bit.

What I do think is dreadful are the numbers of relatives who leap to post congratulations on FB before the proud parents have had even a chance to announce the arrival themselves.

HungryHorace · 26/09/2014 17:36

It's nothing to do with liking your family or not.

Should I have told my mum even though she didn't want to know, just because mums should want to know their daughters are in labour.

hamptoncourt · 26/09/2014 17:37

I can assure you it's me that has the odd family usual and I think it is lovely that your daughter wanted you there during her labour. You are probably much much nicer than my own DM although to be honest that wouldn't be hard . My XMIL managed to barge her way totally uninvited into the delivery room when I was having DD and I was most unimpressed.

However, for lots of us, including apparently OP, it's not something we want to share with parents/PILS. I do think sometimes people get bullied into doing something they really don't want to do "Cos it's fammerly!"

If OP doesn't want them there and they kick up a fuss then yes, I stand by my "fuck em"

Hopefully they will be understanding and lovely about it though.....

basgetti · 26/09/2014 17:38

My Mum is going to be with me when I give birth this time. With first DC I rang her quite a lot during labour to update her. I wouldn't want wider family knowing all the details but I couldn't imagine not telling my parents what was going on. Everyone is different though.

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