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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell our families when I go into labour?

93 replies

Annahmolly · 26/09/2014 13:32

My husband and I were watching 'one born every minute' last night. The father was texting people updates in the delivery room whilst the mother was in agony. I told my husband that I don't want anyone to know when I go into labour. I just think the process of giving birth is a private affair, and don't see any reason to share gory details, which is surely what people will expect if they keep ringing or texting my husband? I also think it will stress me out to know that people are thinking about me and worrying, especially if it takes a long time. If something bad happens I also want the time to take this in before others are told.

Neither of our families live in the UK, so they wouldn't come to the hospital or anything. I love his family dearly, but they can be pretty nosey and ask some pretty strange questions sometimes. I imagine his mother calling to ask how many centimeters dilated I am... Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit here but she did ask my husband when my last period was, when he told her I was pregnant. I have also had questions about what I was doing in the bathroom at night when we are staying with them, if they have heard me get up!

I don't really want to tell my family either, as they would just worry and I do not see the point. My husband says he respects my decision, even though he doesn't really understand it. He says people will probably start calling every day when we get close to the due date, and what should he say then? I just don't know if I'm being overly private about this.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 27/09/2014 00:33

Dont tell them. We didnt. We called people about 2 hours roughly afterwards and my mum got arsey when she saw me next day telling me she "should have been told the minute she was born". Its your baby not anyone elses remember that.

Bunbaker · 27/09/2014 00:38

Unless you need childcare I don't understand why anyone would announce being in labour.

In my case my waters went while talking to a friend on the phone so she knew I had gone into labour and she rang the labour ward several times. When DD was born OH was instructed to ring his mum, my sister and my friend in that order. It was late at night so other phone calls could wait until the following day.

MrsMook · 27/09/2014 04:44

With DS 1, I was in labour over most of a weekend. My mum wanted to know so she could pray, so she was told soon before going to hospital, when I'd been contracting regularly for nearly 24hrs. BiL rang around the same time zone, and it was pretty difficult to cover up at that point as it was getting beyond uncomfortable.
Every stage of the process was drawn out, and it was way over 12 hours later when baby was born by Emcs. By that time family was really worrying, we couldn't ring and reassure because we didn't know what was going on and it wasn't good for a while. It had also been a very long night.

Second time, just the friends that picked up Ds1 knew. The birth was at a more convenient time over a weekday evening, and the process was quite quick, less than 4 hours from realising it was labour to holding baby. Much less stressful for everyone and no worrying family.

Earlier in the week, I'd been pointlessly kept in for over 24hrs because of false labour symptoms that fizzled out. Glad only my friend knew for that!

Cheesilycheerful · 27/09/2014 08:24

There was no mobile signal in delivery suite... Maybe there will be no signal in yours too

magpiegin · 27/09/2014 09:15

Oh I lied earlier in the thread (it is all a bit hazy), we weren't going to say anything but then I needed a c section and we did text parents to say that we were expecting a baby at some point during the day. My mum then put it straight on Facebook!!

abigamarone · 27/09/2014 09:44

You're not being unreasonable...but do anticipate regular phone calls asking if anything's happening yet. (I only went a couple of days over and my dear old dad was obsessed!)

Bittersweetmammaries · 27/09/2014 13:08

I think it depends on your family. I had my mum with me. She knows me well enough to know I don't like being fussed over and just wanted peace and quiet. She also held my drink for me to sip and fed me bits of food. My other half is pretty squeamish though so we didn't know if he would stay in for the birth or not. He did though and my mum got to cut the cord too.

His mum on the other hand did my nut in. She was adamant she was coming into the room, even though nothing was happening as it was a very long labour. Sat in a chair and piddled about on her phone for ages making annoying beeping noises. I snapped at her once asking her to turn the sound off but she didn't know how so oh copped for it when he came back in after his breakfast. Luckily she went for her breakfast and the lovely midwife didn't let her back in. Told her 1 relative at a time.

When we told her I was pregnant, she asked if we had been having lots of sex over Christmas. I don't know how I managed to answer her back that we had found out before then.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/09/2014 14:38

OP thanks for starting this - I am thinking hard about this!

I get on with my mum well but we have quite different ideas about labour and childbirth. She has had four children, 2 by CS, but otherwise has had pretty easy pregnancies. I am only on no. 1, but I'm high risk and under consultant care, and have found this pregnancy quite stressful.

She keeps telling me to just relax but it's hard when you have a condition which you're worried might lead to premature labour or other complications :(

Also she is dead against pain relief during labour, and whilst I'd like to labour naturally, I don't feel like I can rule out epidural etc because I have no idea what I'll feel like during

So my mum said she wanted to be at the labour, and she would set out driving as soon as she heard I'd gone into labour - but tbh I'm not sure I want her there. Also don't want someone ringing my mobile or sending worried texts if I have a long or complicated labour. I want to be able to just turn my phone off and concentrate on enduring contractions/ breathing/ listening to what the MWs or drs are saying without thinking that my mum is glued to her phone waiting for an update, and that I 'should' stop whatever I'm doing to update.

What I'd like to do is text and say 'I'm going into labour, DH and I switching phones off now, will ring when there's news' but that just feels pointlessly tantalising

FryOneFatManic · 27/09/2014 15:00

My parents knew for various reasons, but are not the type to make a fuss (and don't really have any idea about texting).

My friend's mum OTOH was not told. In fact friend is on the verge of going NC because her mum is so awful. If the mum had been told, she'd have tried to barge her way in to the delivery room and would have tried to make it all about her.

She was told about the baby a few hours afterwards.

I'm close to my DD, but I know that she'll be making her own decisions when the time comes. She will be the one who's going through this so if not telling anyone she's in labour will help keep the stress down for her, then that's her decision, and I fully support that.

Ragwort · 27/09/2014 15:10

YANBU - there is such a modern trend for telling everyone everything these days - I never dreamt of telling my parents or ILs when I went into labour - after our DS had been born (and lots of complications ending in an EMCS followed by medical problems) - my DH rang his mother and I rang my mother ........... fortunately they both lived miles away so here was no danger of anyone visiting .

BasketzatDawn · 27/09/2014 15:49

YANBU. Absolutely your right to tell whoever you want, or not.

In my first labour my dad phoned the hospital more than once. I was very overdue and they'd been phoning me at home every day for at least 2 weeks, so possibly thought this was just an extension of the same. and I have no recollection if we told them or not when I was eventually in labour - which lasted all of 2 days. Later, we told them nothing. When dad phoned during my labour at home with ds4 I primed DH to tell him I was 'resting'. Then I forgot to tell them when the baby arrived. For 12 hours. Ooops. They were quite overbearing parents to have around.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 27/09/2014 16:02

YANBU

With my 1st my SIL phoned me 3 days before I gave birth and demanded " so you're home then" -I had been out for the afternoon at a friends comparing bumps and eating cake so a bit nonplussed said "yes just got in" and she went into one telling me how selfish I was not to let her know whether she had

Squitten · 27/09/2014 16:07

YANBU! It never occurred to us to update anyone before the baby arrived the first time. The second and third times, my mother was the only one to know because she was coming to look after the rest!

AlpacaLypse · 27/09/2014 16:07

My mum knew.

She was my birth partner though... DP would have been as much use as a chocolate fireguard!

YY to whoever posted upthread about the utter rudeness and thoughtlessness of those who post congrats all over FB before the new parents have had a chance to contact their own family their own way.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 27/09/2014 16:08

Bloody I phone!

A niece or nephew, she really went for it, I would have sworn she was foaming at the mouth!

I manAged to get into the torrent of abuse that I hadn't given birth yet and had been at a friends and thought that was what she meAnt, maybe she hAd phoned earlier and missed me...

When she took that on board I then told her that she would now be the last to know when there was anything to know and put the phone down.

Her Dp rang later to apologise and said she was worried so that's why she lost it.

DinoSnores · 27/09/2014 17:25

"YY to whoever posted upthread about the utter rudeness and thoughtlessness of those who post congrats all over FB before the new parents have had a chance to contact their own family their own way."

Definitely this! My FB settings don't allow anyone to post on my wall before I have approved it.

Topseyt · 27/09/2014 18:10

It is your baby, your body, your labour and your choice.

Personally I favour the approach of telling as few people as possible until there is definite news and the baby has been born.

That works OK when having your first baby, but not really with subsequent ones if you need the grandparents to babysit your older ones.

I don't think grandparents or other family members should necessarily assume they can gatecrash you while you are still in the delivery unit. It wouldn't have occurred to either my parents or my in-laws to do that. They were quite happy simply knowing that the baby was on the way, babysitting the older ones as necessary and then being told once baby had arrived.

gamescompendium · 27/09/2014 18:18

Just make sure that if your DH DOES contact the grandparents to be he give accurate information. 2/3 of our children caused worry to the grandparents due to DH's inaccurate texts. For DD1 he said I was in labour when I wasn't, for DS he used his new phone and didn't sign his name so Mum was very confused, thankfully in that case at least DS arrived so quickly that she heard from me and didn't have to resort to the sherry.

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