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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude to make a point of not letting your kids watch telly when staying with someone else

103 replies

CruCru · 25/09/2014 18:25

I have a couple of sets of friends who come to stay with us from time to time. My kids are allowed to watch the telly some of the time.

These friends order their kids out of the living room whenever they find them watching telly with my kids. AIBU to find this irritating? It makes me uncomfortable because I feel as though my choice to let the kids watch is "wrong".

I must point out that they watch CBeebies, not slasher films. I would see their point then.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld · 26/09/2014 15:59

It does sound rude but very young kids just don't get that it's okay to watch cbeebies (or whatever) at one persons house but not at home.

Maybe the friends don't like them watching too much telly and know that if they break their own rule and allow it when visiting you they will have problems when they get back home.

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2014 16:12

So you are supposed to cook and clean for the adults and your children are supposed to entertain their children?

Why do you put up with this, OP? Do you really believe that when these parents are knackered they don't let their kids watch TV? And I'd bet my house they watch it themselves, too!

TheLovelyBoots · 26/09/2014 16:18

Just not having TV in your own house is a sufficiently clear message for a parent to send to a child. It says, "we don't agree with TV".

When you go to other people's houses, there are inevitably things going on there that you don't agree with (although disagreeing with CBB's is ridiculous). Kids can understand the distinction.

MaryWestmacott · 26/09/2014 16:26

OP - it's easier to entertain your kids yourself and not resort to ever putting on the TV if you aren't the one rushing round, spending your free time providing a free hotel for others.

I would make a rule, as you are in a holiday destination, you will, sadly, get people who want to come to stay in your town for a break, not just to spend time with you and your DCs, a good sign is - people who don't invite you to their house to stay (OK, they might not have a beach nearby, but few parts of the country don't have a national trust house, or a large park or a children's day out venue nearish). If they want your company, they will invite you to stay with them. They will take their turn in hosting, because if they are visiting to see you then seeing you will be the priority, not the location.

Another good rule is noone who parents differently gets to stay in your house. People like this "oh, we'd love to see you if you stay somewhere nearby but we're having a break from houseguests this summer, it's a bit much for the children to have others here 24 hours, we found their behaviour got really bad and they need down time."

You might well lose contact with some people, but those were the people who really didn't want to be your friend because of who you are, but because of what you could do for them (free holiday). They are no real loss to your life.

AugustaGloop · 26/09/2014 16:29

We met a family on holiday - DD became friendly with their DD. Parents were very sanctimonious about the fact that they did not have a TV. We learnt from the DC over the course of the holiday that:

  1. they have a large screen on which they watch DVDs
  2. they watch quite a lot on iplayer etc.
  3. When they want to want something they pop a few doors down to the grandparents and watch there!

And the lack of TV was definitely about superiority not about saving the licence fee!

If people want to have a no TV rule that is fine, but it is ridiculous to have one with a view to feeling superior when in fact your children watch as much TV as anyone else.

Vintagejazz · 26/09/2014 16:38

I actually think it's better parenting to have a television and use a bit of discretion regarding what your children can watch and how much time they can spend watching, than to ban it altogether and deny your children the opportunity to watch educational programmes, programmes that might interest them in the books from which they were adapted or programmes that might stimulate their imagination. You can learn and benefit a lot from television if it's used appropriately.

AbsintheMakesTheHeart · 26/09/2014 16:49

Arf at 'they want them to experience things first hand.' Do they think that little Noah is going to roll his eyes and pass up a safari in Africa when he's older because he's seen lions and giraffes on TV? And what about the inestimable Horrible Histories? No one gets to experience the execution of Henry VIII's wives or the plague first hand these days.

Parents can be the best of friends, but it doesn't mean the kids have much in common or necessarily enjoy spending time together. TV is a great social emollient.

halfdrunkcoffee · 26/09/2014 17:38

I would find that rude too. Fair enough if they don't want to have a TV at home but a little bit of CBeebies when they're visiting you wouldn't hurt.

frumpypigskin · 26/09/2014 17:49

Mexican - And yes, children who don't normally watch tv, do watch it more intensely, probably because they have better concentration.

That actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

MexicanSpringtime · 26/09/2014 17:50

Gosh people are harsh, just because the guests don't let their children watch tv. The only thing I read was that the OP was complaining of feeling that there was an implied criticism of her parenting in this. At no point does she says that the children are allowed to run riot or that her children are not being allowed to watch tv.

HaroldLloyd · 26/09/2014 18:05

Harsh but fair.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/09/2014 18:24

YANBU OP. You are very kind to offer your home and hospitality to your guests. If you feel judged by them, or if they are not happy with what you are offering, let them pay for a hotel.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 18:59

That is why I like MN, frumpypigskin- you get wonderful statements like that to give you a laugh!

girliefriend · 26/09/2014 19:14

Op YANBU, I would be pissed off by that as well.

They are judging you and they are also being a royal PITA. There kids will seriously not thank them for it in the long run.

I wouldn't be inviting them back and I would also be telling them they are being precious and that they have offended you.

chocolatemademefat · 27/09/2014 00:32

I'm so sick of people who think they are morally superior because they ban their kids from watching TV. Its as if they feel they merit some kind of award. My DS loved TV from an early age - and had one in his room from the age of 3 - yet still managed to graduate from university with an excellent degree and find a good job. Its a bit of escapism - don't kids need some lazy down time occasionally as well as all the other activities any caring parent arranges for them.

I know not every parent cares what their kids are doing and how long they watch TV but that's life - there will always be people like that. Thankfully most of us have enough common sense to know what does and doesn't work for our kids. If your kids are okay with TV, other people visiting your house will have to fit in.

And as for research and statistics - it depends what articles you read and believe. If a child has ADHD Tv may not be good for them in large quantities - every child is different. My house, my rules.

TheNewStatesman · 27/09/2014 00:36

"I have to disagree here - if we are invited to someone's house I expect we are invited because they want to talk to the grownups/play with the children. Why were we invited if you were just going to stick the tv on? You can do that without us there."

I think this is true if we are talking about people being invited around for a few hours, but in the case of the OP it sounds like these are guests who are staying for days. It would be odd to NEVER have the TV on sometimes if you have a TV.

I think the guests should suck it up. If they are TV free most of the time, a bit of TV is surely not going to kill the kids.

Original poster
CruCru · 27/09/2014 07:37

MaryWestmacott - I do see your point. It got a bit extreme this summer - in three weeks we had two days and nights without visitors. The later visitors suffered quite a lot because we'd had enough of catering to lots of different needs.

At the moment, DS (aged 3) loves the visitors. DD (nearly 1) is less affected.

OP posts:
catkind · 27/09/2014 08:50

Hats off to you CruCru, I couldn't cope with visitors around all that time.

But given they're there, not really fair getting offended because they've made different parenting choices to you. You don't have to do anything different to cater to them here, just let them know the TV is going on so they can entertain their kids elsewhere if they want. Just like if they were veggie and you don't want to cook veggie all week you might let them know you were eating meat and ask if they wanted to cook an alternative. Just like if they're doing controlled crying and you're cosleeping or vice versa you'd both get on with doing your own thing.

KatieKaye · 27/09/2014 09:04

Putting on the TV for the kids so the adults can enjoy some time to talk among themselves is eminently reasonable.
Taking the kids out of the room is passive aggressive and rude.
I'd say "well put on CBeebies for 1/2 hour while we have a coffee in the kitchen. If you don't want your children to watch the TV, can they play quietly upstairs?" You're entitled to a break from your DC and their DC when you are entertaining guests for several days!

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2014 11:30

I don't know how you can stand to have visitors who've invited themselves for so long.

Do you ever manage to have some time to yourselves?

Original poster
CruCru · 27/09/2014 11:34

I do have a friend who doesn't eat red meat and we catered for her. However, I would pause before inviting a vegetarian. I see your point about telling them to cook their own thing but it doesn't feel very hospitable.

OP posts:
Original poster
CruCru · 27/09/2014 11:39

I think next summer I am going to put my foot down and have as long without visitors as with. DH loves visitors and is super social but I get a bit fed up with it.

Problem is, if we had one set who were staying a full three weeks, we could reasonably ignore them a bit. When we have lots of different sets of visitors, each staying 4 or 5 days, then you have to make a bit of an effort. It also means you end up on Groundhog Day, going to the same places over and over. One yearI got so sick of the beach, I refused to go again for weeks.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 27/09/2014 12:36

Send them a list of self catering cottages and B & Bs.
Just have the nice people to stay.

Do any of them clean their rooms before they go home?

rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 13:09

Dear god. Stop having these people over. They are just pisstakers.

KatieKaye · 27/09/2014 13:19

Agreed - just have the "kindred souls" to stay - the ones who think 30 minutes of CBeebies equals 30 minutes of salvation/peace and quiet
Not everybody wants to be around their own DC every minute of the day, far less someone else's.
I can't see how there is anything wrong with a short period of age-appropriate TV. It sounds like petty one-upmanship which is very rude when they are staying in your home. What possible harm do the parents think is going to occur? Surely their DC can understand this is a special treat for them? Are they as rigid and inflexible in other ways?

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