Fat parents

[PoppySeed2014]

I'm up with a colicky baby and feeling brave enough to throw an aibu out there...

I'm overweight and unfit. Mainly because I eat too much Nothing more or less mysterious than that!

Lots of my friends are a healthy weight and fit. I'll use one as an example.

My dc eat really healthily, my friend's dc less so.

Eg Plain organic yoghurt vs "kids" yoghurt full of sugar. Fillets of fish vs fish fingers. Jacket potato vs potato waffles. Water or milk vs ribena. The odd chocolate button vs daily chocolate biscuits/bars. I guess the main difference is that I feed my dc healthy, normal, (mainly) organic food - masses of vegetables and fruit etc. my friend mainly feeds her dc "kids" processed food.

So. Well done for reading this far! Aibu to think that what I feed my dc has more impact on their long term health than my weight? I'm genuinely not sure and when I (inwardly) cringe as she gives her children daily snacks of biscuits and ribena while my dc have fruit and milk I think, yes, but I'm unhealthy, she's healthy... Surely being fit and slim and active is a better example long term? (She's really fit - runs marathons, surfs...)

So please help me to see sense! (I'm trying to lose weight and get fit, but Rome wasn't built in a day, blah blah...)

(To clarify, I eat the same healthy food as my dc. But also chocolate, cake etc when they're in bed or at school etc. so they don't see me eat much crap. Oh, and chocolate/cake etc are not banned - they just don't have much at home and don't really ask for much "junk" food. I'm happy for them to have homemade cake, a few buttons etc, but not lots of processed crap every day. But they are allowed to eat everything - nothing is banned. I also use the word "treat" to mean anything from a trip to the playground to a banana. "Treat" isn't just junk food.

The ice cream choice was strawberry, chocolate or vanilla with the occasional extravagant mint choc chip, and no one needed to pee every bloody five minutes.

I have suffered from eating disorders for 20 years, since my early teens. I have, however, a normal BMI and I walk to most places (because we have no car), so I seem to lead a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to make sure DS (5) wouldn't have my issues, so he has a mix of food and I try to not even talk about food very much or make it into an issue. I just make sure that every day he has some fruit, vegetables, dairy and protein. Other than that, I try to not be too worried. We do not have much "junk" in the house, anyway. DS is normal weight, happy, energetic and loves dancing.

I hardly ever had "treats" when young. Still (or maybe because of it?), I ended up a sturdy, bordering on overweight child and an overweight teen, before tipping into anorexia, BED and bulimia. My mother was always trying to restrict her own eating, despite being slight. My father was overweight, but both of them exercised a lot - my father especially. I was brought up to have an active lifestyle, but it didn't stop me (or dad) getting chubby. Diet is key, IMO.

I believe that providing a largely healthy, varied diet, with frequent, even daily, "treats" (I don't call them that.. they are just food in our house) in moderation, coupled with exercise (even just walking) is the way to go.

DS is lucky to not be that bothered about food. Also, he won't eat many "treat" foods. It's just his personality. He only eats if he is hungry and self regulates very effectively. I wish I was like that. Instead, quite often I find myself scoffing his leftovers.

I am similar to the OP in that the kids diet is much better than mine. My eldest is slim, reasonably active and his diet is much more varied now he's older. No.2 is skinny, does the most exercise mod all of us but doesn't eat much and can be quite fussy. No.3 loves her food, is overweight for her age, does a lot of exercise but I'm not sure how much effort she puts into it. That said, she is suffering from Plantar Fasciitis in both feet atm.

Mealtimes can be tricky when you're trying to encourage one to eat more and the other less. Also, getting across the message that slim does not necessarily mean healthy.

I did lose 2 stone recently but it has been creeping back on. Now that I am out of work, hopefully temporarily, I am introducing exercise by the way of Davina DVD. I am also trying to make better choices for myself then, when I do go back to work, I hope to have picked up some good habits which I can incorporate into my days from the start.

I was also brought up with comforts eating and whilst I can rationalise and reason all that most of the time there are still times, usually anger, when my first reaction is to want to stuff my face with crisps, chocolate or sweets. Or all of them!

It is the mental links with food that are the hardest. it does not really matter if the popcorn is homemade or covered in lard and sugar, it is the link that cinema equates to eating pop corn because some clever marketing guy wanted to up revenues. There is really no need to add food to what easily could be a food free activity. Coffee used to be a splash of milk or cream, now some contain 400 calories a cup with syrups, cream and more if you pick up a pastry. As a child my mum would only need to see a tear and I would be given some sort of cake it is the hardest habit to break and I still try to control.

I think this is the nub of it Thomyorke . The snack habit. Alot of kids are skinny when younger and can get away with snacking, but as they get older (preteenage) they start to put on weight.

Its so hard to police these things as dc get older though. I also have a skinny ds and a plumper dd.

At 9 dd spends a lot of time at friends houses and loves to go to the shop with friends. Both of her close friends are v skinny and seem to snack alot. I have had to try to tell dd that just because she is offered a snack or her friend is having one it doesn't mean that she should too. But this is a difficult thing for a 9 year old to do.

Thom I think that only eating when sitting down, and only eating things that you need cutlery for, are excellent habits. Preferably always in company too. If you do that, you are unlikely to have a really horrible diet (you could have of course, but it's much less likely).

It's an excellent rule for kids too as avoids mess all over the sitting room/car/clothes!

It is funny, isn't it?

I am always a bit shocked by seeing people walking and eating something sloppy at the same time. Like a burrito or even a whole pizza.

I have been conditioned to eat at the table too.

It is a hard to break habit now.

Whenever I watch reality TV (I love reality TV) I see people eating in front of the telly or PC as their normal way to eat, and I am always amazed. And also think: I must try that, but then slop gravy all over my trousers, LOL

It is quite a skill!

Agree about eating at a table and eating consciously (more rules that are part of Paul Mckenna's weight loss plan!).

When you eat slowly and really TASTE your food it's hard to eat junk and it means you fill up quicker too. Then you must STOP!!!

This thread has been a major kick up the arse for me.

I've been improving food at home for a little while, eg DD's packed lunch is now full of goodness with no pre-prepared stuff, we stopped buying cereal, getting way more veg into dinner, blah blah blah...but I'm still snacking myself. More lately actually, it's almost getting out of control...

Anyway this thread has made me see that I am still damaging my DCs as well as myself. I had thought well, I'm fixing the DCs' diet so they are uber healthy, and I don't really care about mine as much (I am trying to look after myself but it's a very slow and difficult process, psychologically), but really, I'm just bringing them up with a hypocritical mum and they'll see that, won't they. So, time to up my game.

Do it for yourself too.

You can still snack a bit, you know, it isn't all or nothing

I think part of the problem is that we (esp so on MN) have bought very heavily into the idea that homecooked, 'healthy' food is somehow better for you than 'low fat' or otherwise artificially low calorie food is because it's more 'natural'

I've said this before on here, but I genuinely believe that the best thing by a long way that you can do for your health is to maintain a healthy body weight and low body fat percentage.

Whether you get there by eating your TDEE in hand-woven lentils or deep fried mars bars is less of an issue IMO, the point is to eat only your TDEE.

Once you are at a healthy weight, then of course you have the luxury of being able to eat full fat, lower additive food (which I agree is probably better for you than processed low-fat food)

Getting your bodyweight down is IMO far more important than tinkering about the edges with organic, non-processed food. I think people like to look at the long term effects of obesity and ignore the damage that just being obese is doing to you right now.

Furthermore, I also believe that being overweight yourself is a terrible example to set your children. No matter what you feed them, they will see you being overweight and that will become their blueprint for what is OK as an adult. In much the same way as a child, when an adult, unwittingly seeks out a relationship that matches the dynamic of that of their parents', no matter how unhealthy that is, so will a child of an obese parent gravitate towards obesity themselves.

If I could see into the future, OP, I think your DCs have a far greater risk of adulthood obesity than do those of your friend.

if you eat your TDEE in deep fried Mars bars ( and nothing else) you might have a normal BMI, but you would not be healthy. It's important for your long term health that you control your weight but also that you eat nutritious food, and both angles are important.
It's relatively difficult to get fat eating home cooked 'healthy' food because it tends to have lower calorie density, you would have to be quite dedicated to enormous portions.

IMO, it is better to maintain a normal weight, and do so by eating your TDEE in mars bars, than to maintain an obese BMI whilst eating organic, homemade food.

I think people fall into the trap of applying the same weight (sorry) to each indicator of health, and viewing a 'see-saw' like arrangement, so for example:

On the healthy side you have:

*Eating healthy, wholesome food.
*Maintaining good cardiovascular fitness
*Not drinking alcohol

But on the other, unhealthy side you have:

*Obesity

I think people see that there are 3 indicators on the healthy side and only 1 on the other, therefore the scale should tip towards 'healthy'. I think a more realistic view is that obesity sits like a giant sack of spuds on the unhealthy side of the scale, and no amount of organic yoghurt/gentle exercise that you place on the 'healthy' is going to outweigh it.

It's relatively difficult to get fat eating home cooked 'healthy' food because it tends to have lower calorie density, you would have to be quite dedicated to enormous portions.

I also fundamentally disagree with this statement - as people get bigger, their TDEE, and hence appetite also increases. This leads to portion sizes getting bigger and bigger and a downwards spiral ensues.

It is very easy to get fat eating homemade roast dinners and macaroni cheese, very easy indeed.

Just look at your own family, and look after it (and yourself) to the best of your ability. In my view, people are like cars. Some are more fuel efficient than others. And I'm a gas-guzzler. I can - and do - eat a lot of sweet food. But I have a low-end of healthy BMI, low blood pressure, etc. I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to say I Will Pay, and maybe I will, eventually.

But maybe your friend's children get away with the sugary yoghurts - and maybe they always will. Or maybe, like other members of my family, they won't get away with much and will always have to watch their diet. Life isn't fair. Which is why judging people by their diet is totally, totally pointless. Sure, some people eat cakes for breakfast and have a big mac every week and wonder why they're overweight but there's not much that can be done about that. They're deep in denial and that's all there is to it.

OP
I am constantly telling myself i need to go on the "What I Feed My Kid Diet", you could be my co-author, i think.

Every morning when I pack his lunch, i tell myself I could solve a good portion of my own bad habits by packing (and limiting myself to eating) the same thing for myself, and probably lose a lot of weight. Sometimes when I am shopping, before, or after, or most likely in-between a cuppa and a treat, and a restaurant lunch, i consider buying myself an actual lunchbox, if I could find a character I liked. But i never actually do.

I am pretty pleased that we managed to translate his food issues into a preference for really healthy choices, being desperate to get a kid to just fill his belly could easily have become enticing him with sweets and treats. We probably would have if he hadn't found unfamiliar sweets just as suspect as unfamiliar everything else. (Honestly, what kid isn't willing to risk eating any biscuit or candy on offer? My post tonsillitis 2 year old, that's what kid).

I was raised on the apple instead of a biscuit, with a hippie, whole grain serving, lets have a veg garden and can all the things mom. We had junk and treats, but very limited compared to most 1970s families we knew (except one set of cousins, their mom was hard-core crunchy granola and brown rice hippie vegetarian, my mom was practically feeding us candy coated sugar lumps in comparison.)

My habits changed during my first marriage, to a man from a family dedicated to old fashioned southern (US) cooking, which involves a lot of preserved pork, salt and sugar, and modern convenience food cooking. I wanted to please. Followed by a few years of poor single-parenthood with a need for foods that didnt spoil and feeling i deserved junk food treats when I could ave them. Followed by years of a much better spouse, who cooks wonderfully and healthfully, but introduced me to the British "cuppa and " habit. With " ___" nearly always being foods unnecessary more than once a week, much less daily or more. And lets not go into the horrible eating habits of culinary students and working chefs that I lived the decade before our son and SAHM life.

I suspect your friend is just feeding her kids what has worked for her, and as she is active, her habits do appear to have acceptable results. She is not overweight, despite non-ideal diet. She probably has the reverse attitude, when thinking of you. Wonders why you bother being so careful what you feed them, while modelling terrible activity habits, which will surely matter more in the long run, based on her experience.

Steeleyespanx I recommend the book 'Fat Chance - the bitter truth about sugar' written by an endocrinologist, and see if you feel the same about your Mars Bar Diet TM, once you finish it. 40% of normal weight individuals (and to be fair 80% of the obese) have metabolic syndrome and are a ticking time bomb for metabolic diseases in later life.

I was brought up, as Momagain was, with a VERY healthy diet. Lots of fruit/veg, bread/rice/pasta was always wholemeal, one biscuit allowed per day as a teenager!, no juice only water.

As soon as I went to uni I went mad for junk food. And I mean REALLY, not just normal first time away from home stuff. I'm talking about subsisting almost completely on sweets, crisps, fizzy drinks and fags!!! I improved my eating habit gradually into my 30s, but its only now after 20 yrs of terrible eating, which I largely got away with weight-wise due to a fast metabolism I think, that I've finally sorted myself out. My metabolism stopped being on my side post-dcs, I put on 2 stone, and have only managed to lose it due to reducing my calories significantly.

I now make myself eat veg, wholmeal pasta, and cut back on sweet things. And I am determined not to label foods 'bad' 'good' 'treat' because although my parents doing so meant I ate well in my formative years, it gave me an unhealthy relationship with food as an adult.

I absolutely disagree with not labelling some foods as a 'treat'.

Things like doughnuts/ice cream/chocolate/crisps etc, are treats.

Once you stop labelling them as such, they creep into everyday diets and become like any other food...and that imo is a bad thing.

My parents labelled some foods as treat food. Nuts, dried fruit and berries such as raspberries, blackcurrants, strawberries, smoked cheese... yum.

Junk food was dismissed as cheap food.

A different message that kind of worked. I'd still pick a cheesy oatcake with nice cheese and chutney over coke and chocolate as a treat... although I'm not totally indifferent to a square or two of sea salt choc.

It's food that still contains fat, salt and natural sugars, but it's not refined and it has nutritional value.

I think both are important - feeding your dc healthily and leading by example, but since you want us to weigh in (no pun intended) with an opinion about which is most important then I would say the former. I am always slightly askance at parents who are sllim but their dc are overweight (although acknowledging that occasionally there are underlying reasons why). It's comparatively easy to control your younger children's eating (pre secondary school age), more so than it is your own. Also fat cells formed before adulthood never go away (albeit they can shrink).

I was a fat child - and I judge my parents for that. It was completely avoidable.