Fat parents

[PoppySeed2014]

I'm up with a colicky baby and feeling brave enough to throw an aibu out there...

I'm overweight and unfit. Mainly because I eat too much Nothing more or less mysterious than that!

Lots of my friends are a healthy weight and fit. I'll use one as an example.

My dc eat really healthily, my friend's dc less so.

Eg Plain organic yoghurt vs "kids" yoghurt full of sugar. Fillets of fish vs fish fingers. Jacket potato vs potato waffles. Water or milk vs ribena. The odd chocolate button vs daily chocolate biscuits/bars. I guess the main difference is that I feed my dc healthy, normal, (mainly) organic food - masses of vegetables and fruit etc. my friend mainly feeds her dc "kids" processed food.

So. Well done for reading this far! Aibu to think that what I feed my dc has more impact on their long term health than my weight? I'm genuinely not sure and when I (inwardly) cringe as she gives her children daily snacks of biscuits and ribena while my dc have fruit and milk I think, yes, but I'm unhealthy, she's healthy... Surely being fit and slim and active is a better example long term? (She's really fit - runs marathons, surfs...)

So please help me to see sense! (I'm trying to lose weight and get fit, but Rome wasn't built in a day, blah blah...)

(To clarify, I eat the same healthy food as my dc. But also chocolate, cake etc when they're in bed or at school etc. so they don't see me eat much crap. Oh, and chocolate/cake etc are not banned - they just don't have much at home and don't really ask for much "junk" food. I'm happy for them to have homemade cake, a few buttons etc, but not lots of processed crap every day. But they are allowed to eat everything - nothing is banned. I also use the word "treat" to mean anything from a trip to the playground to a banana. "Treat" isn't just junk food.

Exactly Thom. If you're genetically predispositioned to gain weight easily, that's all the more reason to watch your diet and exercise so that you don't get fat.

guitar That's soo sad. I know some dcs who are MADE to eat healthy food and the oldest has already said that as soon as she can she's going to the nearest sweet shop and eat herself sick

My H & I have good genes - both sides of our family are slim, and neither of us has to watch our weight.

BUT, we both exercise regularly; at weekends, neither of us can bear sitting around inside, and will drag the kids out for a walk/bike ride/swim; and ultimately, we both eat quite well (plenty of crap as well though, just overall balanced, I think). We've both recently had 40Y check ups at the GP, and passed with flying colours.

As for the children, they eat what they will eat. I try to have us all eat the same thing, but I'd say 50:50 they reject it (they're now 9 & 7). However, I was a veg refusenik as a child, and now will choose to have half my plate filled with veg. I figure as their taste buds develop, they'll go the same way too. I can't stress too much about it, because what can I change? I can't force feed them.

I hope the examples we're setting - eating fairly well, exercising regularly, keeping busy and involved with life - will be what they take with them into adulthood. Of course there will be blips along the way - I remember LOTS of lunches at Uni consisting of a plate of chips and a fat Coke - but hopefully they'll come out the other side with the right mindset.

What you feed them is very important and their diet sounds good. But I will speak a truth here. If they see you looking fat, in the future they may think it is OK to be that shape as you are effectively giving them permission to overstep the psychological boundary. If you can trim down a bit it will help them in the future (I am not saying be perfect, I mean be roughly size 16 or less and take a bit of exercise from time to time).

Worra - my point is that while both my kids have a healthy BMI, I can already spot the one who is going to have weight problems.

He is the one who wants to eat all the biscuits etc, takes an active interest in the pursuit of junk food (yes we do limit him) and who hates sports.He is also now on a permanent medication which increase his appetite.

The other child will take a bite of a biscuit, get bored and not want any more. he will turn down the offer of an ice cream etc. He is naturally more active too. I can keep them slim when they are young but eventually it is down to them and I can see that one of my children is just much more naturally inclined towards obesity.

My father (significantly overweight throughout my childhood, teens and twenties) used to blame his genes, and point to his own father, who was overweight for most of his adult life, despite a heavy manual job.

But when my dad was diagnosed with diabetes ten years ago aged 60, and had to start watching his diet, exercising and curbing his insanely sweet tooth, he lost all his excess weight and has now been distinctly on the thin side of average for more than a decade. Maybe he does have a genetic predisposition to weight gain and has to work harder than others to be a healthy BMI, but isn't part of the point that if you want to be a healthy weight, you have to do it regardless of your genetic predisposition?

rusticated blackberry ice cream? Really? When can I come for supper?

Genetics may be good/not at sport or enjoying it.
Peoples taste buds are different so some prefer savoury not sweet.

Op at least it is you with the bad diet/weight and you can change. My OH is the overweight one and loves food too much to change.

A lot of women seem to gain weight on marriage. Consider the portions appropriate to your height/gender. Stop buying choc easier when shopping online.

People eat more when they see others doing it.

Crazytype as a parent of a teenager and a 10 year old and 10 month old it is definitely my experience that that is the case.

You can always tell the kid with lentil weaver parents stuffing mini rolls like their life depends upon it at a party whilst the others are more interested in running around with their pals.

Your kids are not influenced so much at their age by outside factors but it will change as they get older.

Thank you CrazyType I'm not alone! Our fridges/freezers must look pretty similar...

Baugausfan - it is the same in our house. I have 3 DC and it is easy to see which one has inherited my propensity to put weight on. DS2 is a totally different build to DS1 and DD, plus would rather curl up with a book than do the endless rounds of football/rugby/netball/hockey that the other two do. But he is given sensible sized portions of home cooked food with few snacks, walks to school every day, is encouraged to take part in activities that he does enjoy (eg swimming) and we go for family walks and bike rides every weekend.

As I say, I was overweight until my mid 30s, when I lost 6 stone. I now swim every morning before work and walk 3 miles a day, plus try to eat sensibly most of the time. I hope this will set a good example to my DC as they grow up.

Reading this it seems people equate junk food with fat and healthy food with slim. That's so weird.
And as for all the claims to fat genes and inherited tendencies - I think there are family traits but more habits and attitude than genetics.

Poppy, you'd be very welcome. In fact, I'm going to pick more today and make blackberry sorbet. You can't argue with free fruit, and there's a long winter ahead. (I just added sieved, cooked-down blackberries with a dash of cassis to a vanilla icecream recipe.)

Naty, your point about women gaining weight on marriage (is this widely considered true, incidentally?) makes me think of my mother, who, like my father has a ferociously sweet tooth, but who has dropped several dress sizes to be towards the lower end of a healthy BMI since my father was diagnosed as diabetic, and had to modify his diet and rein in his desire for sweet things.

I strongly side with the genetics theory, genes set your appetite and propensity for gaining and storing fat. Overriding your genes can be done though but, people who are naturally satiated easily will find it easier to be slim. Emotional eating problems trump genes though. Just my opinion.

I also think that it's much easier to hide your eating habits from DC than people are suggesting.

True Noodle That's why I love Paul Mckenna he addresses the emotional aspect of eating very effectively (I'm not paid by him btw!).

I think it is and it isn't, Noodle.

A close friend of mine (with an anorexic past that brought her near to death in her teens, and, though now stable and successful, with a husband, children and work she adores, whose first response to any major upset is still to stop eating and exercise) says she literally never saw her emotionally abusive, morbidly obese mother eat anything other than ostentatiously tiny portions at mealtimes. Said mother also restricted her children's food.

She only realised as she grew up that her mother had almost another, secret life based on hiding food and gorging when she was alone. She once saw her unexpectedly in a fast food restaurant at a railway station with a huge tray of junk food wrapping in front of her. Her mother wasn't travelling, she probably just thought she was less likely to be observed by anyone she knew in the station, and sneaked out of work at lunchtime. Then she started finding food caches hidden in the house and shed, and realised why her mother would get so ratty if she came down stairs after bedtime.

Poppy, it sounds like I share many of your views and practices on what you feed your kids. And that I eat ice cream after mine have gone to bed so they don't see me, though I'm a healthy weight.

But here's the thing: why are you asking whether you or your friend are "better"? It's not as if this is a choice you actually face. I totally agree with your approach to feeding your kids and you clearly have no problems with it - so continue. And, as you're already doing, try to be more healthy yourself in terms of your eating and exercising so that you set a better example on that front. It's not as if you'd actually consider becoming more healthy yourself AND feeding your children junk like your friend does.

But, perhaps, as you try to become more healthy yourself, you might consider some of the emotional baggage that causes people such as yourself who know exactly what healthy eating looks like to do something else . . . and maybe comparing yourself to other people to figure out who is "better" is just the sort of mental activity that makes people feel rubbish about themselves and do things they know to be unhealthy/self-destructive? Just a thought.

bauhausfan, that's not an obesity gene.

You've described your child as eating too much calorific food and not taking enough exercise.

That's a lifestyle, not a gene.

No - my child isn't fat at all but left to his own devices he would be. He would target the calorific food and keep going for pleasure reasons (like me). The other child eats what he needs then stops. I do think that this comes from genetics.

I think where people get confused is the difference between genes that make you fat and genes that make you more likely to be fat. I am a huge believer in the latter. It's not an excuse and you can (with a deal of work) beat that propensity.

I think it's also actually a really helpful message to encourage weight loss. Saying to people that yes they've been dealt a slightly unlucky hand re: appetite control and/or fidgeting and/or whatever but they can chose to override that.

All of the women in my dad's family are fat and despite my dad having zero (really zero) input into how and what I was fed, so am I.

I do not like the obesity gene blame game, obesity is rising at a faster rate than genetics change.DS1 is naturally more intelligent than DD1, the reality is she has to work harder and the opposite for being naturally sporty. Myself I am one disaster away from a three stone weight gain as food was the emotional crutch of my family maybe there is even a coping gene which I missed on and I have to work harder on this. Yes there are people with medical/ genetic factors but they do not represent the growth in numbers of obesity. The relationship our society has with food is a problem.

It's an interesting thought but personally I think it's more down to learned behaviour than genetics.

How many kids are given snacks to 'keep them occupied' for example?

It seems most parents won't travel anywhere now without a snack for their babies/toddlers/children.

Being handed a constant supply of food when you're not hungry from an early age, is probably what leads to constant eating in later life.

It seems the minute some people feel the tiniest pang of hunger, they want to plug it with a snack. Maybe hunger is something they can't handle, because they've never been allowed to feel it as a child?

What came across to me, OP is that you prioritise feeding your children healthily as an expression of love and concern for them, but you don't do the same for yourself. I think the best thing you could do for them is work on your own disordered relationship with food.
One thing I've come across recently is the idea that you shouldn't try to 'punish' your body with restricted diet and exercise, but instead see eating healthily and exercising as loving and nourishing yourself. Same result, different emphasis.

Cant we petition for more vat or other tax on some foods?
They are constantly reduced. We may as well pay the tax up front as we will have to pay for it in nhs. Effectively lower cost of fruit veg and meat. I buy most junk on 'offer'.