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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave our DCs in our house while we go next door for dinner?

321 replies

Tapewormuprising · 22/09/2014 12:58

Our neighbours have invited us for dinner next week and i was wondering what people's thoughts were on this.

We live in a semi-detached house on a quiet road. Our DCs are 8 and 15 months. 8 year old will be in bed reading and will fall asleep at about 8.30 and our 15 month old will be asleep with a baby monitor (we will be able to get signal next door. There is also a movement sensor). We'll be one room away really.

So, will we be awful parents if we leave them?

OP posts:
ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 22/09/2014 17:36

The thing is the reality of an emergency is vastly different to an explanation. Sure an 8yo can recite his address and knows how to dial 999, sure he knows to shut the door in a fire and go to a window. But let's say he's asleep, he wakes up the fire alarm going off and the sound of the baby screaming, sounds frantic, like in pain. He freezes. Mums told him to move to window but baby is screaming, what if baby needs help? Would it be better to ring 999 or go and help baby? Just open the door and have a look, wall of flame is otherside of door, child gets burnt.

Or 8yo hears baby start to cry. Goes in and finds blanket stuck over baby's face. He knows logically that he needs to remove blanket and call 999 but the baby is thrashing and he can't get a grip on the blanket, he starts to panic, gets very distressed, and if he calls for help you won't come running, because you are still trying to get your key in the lock also in a panic hearing the distress from the two children coming down the monitor.

Do you see how it isn't straightforward? Accidents and emergencies are almost always instant, and the thing is in a lot of accident situations you probably wouldn't get there very fast anyway, even if you were sat downstairs watching tv. The thing is that if you were sat downstairs and you raced up as soon as you realised some thing was wrong you know you reacted as quickly as you could. If god forbid something happened and you were next door, and you didn't get the fast enough you would never forgive yourself. Yes the outcome may have been the same whether you were in the house or not, but it's about minimising the risks as much as possible, and chosing to go next door is not minimising the risk.

Original poster
Tapewormuprising · 22/09/2014 17:38

comfycushion

Very interested to hear what exactly the consequences would be. Would you be able to explain please?

OP posts:
StripyBanana · 22/09/2014 17:39

Shadows that it exactly it. We don't worry or panic about dangers on a daily basis but that is exactly what could happen with a child left on their own. I'm really surprised a childminder wouldn't see that tbh.

GreenPetal94 · 22/09/2014 17:39

I have done this happily when visiting neighbours who live in the flat below ours. Both boys share a bedroom and so baby monitor would hear either and we tested that it worked downstairs.

We did this about every six months at all ages, once they were already sleeping. Now they are 11 and 13 so just nip up and down the stairs and we don't use the monitor. When they were younger but out of cots we explained the plan so they could shout at the monitor if they woke and wanted us. They never woke, or if they did they never wanted us!

We also would have heard our smoke alarm downstairs.

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 22/09/2014 17:40

If your neighbours are in the other half of the semi then it is probably fine. It's probably not something I could do though TBH. Even now mine are 11 and 8. 11 year old has SN but would probably be ok with it, 8 year old would go ape though. I still use a baby monitor for them because their rooms are on a different floor to ours (them on top, us in the middle) though. Blush

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 22/09/2014 17:47

Its like my neighbours daughter the other day. She is at a a guess 9/10 possibly older. She's a sensible girl, rides her bike to school by herself, plays out and sticks to her mums safety rules about where she can go, stranger danger etc. but last week I heard her start to scream. Ran to the window and looked out (couldn't go out there as I had my two tinies in the bath), her dog was laying on the floor choking. She was absolutely hysterical, screaming "get it out" over and over again. Luckily neighbours poured out of their houses and helped her, I think dog is ok now. But the point is that this was right outside her own house. She is sensible enough to have known to run to the front door (which wouldn't have been locked) and call her mum. She is sensible enough to have tried to get the object out, or put dog in recovery. Or to have banged on a neighbours door. In the moment though, she was faced with the horrific sight of her beloved dog choking to death in front of her and all that calm logical stuff that we adults manage to hang onto in emergencies just flew out of her head and sheer panic took over.

That's what people do account for when they say their child is "sensible". No child should have to be that kind of sensible. It's too much responsibility. Too much trauma. They can't comprehend what an actual emergency looks like so how can you prepare them? You don't, you as the responsible adult, make sure you're there to deal with the emergency for them.

Nandocushion · 22/09/2014 17:50

We do this with our kids often, and even to neighbours' homes that - gasp! - aren't even attached! The house, so far, has never spontaneously combusted. It definitely depends on the children though - I know of children older than mine who couldn't be trusted alone.

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 22/09/2014 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatBloodyWoman · 22/09/2014 17:51

Is this dinner really late?

I presume your neighbours realise you have dc's.
Are they ok with knowing you're planning to leave them?

Original poster
Tapewormuprising · 22/09/2014 17:52

You make a very good point shadows

How on earth do you know where to draw the line though!?

Would love to hear from comfy

OP posts:
StripyBanana · 22/09/2014 17:57

Nando - its not to do with "being trusted" as shadows says.

Once you're aware of someone who has a house fire and how quickly it spreads - or seen a child in an actual emergency, or perhaps had to deal with emergencies yourself, or know people that are firefighters... it gives you a different perspective. Nothing to do with whether a child can be "trusted" at all.

comfycushion · 22/09/2014 17:58

8 years old would be considered too young and with a 15 month old as well..... a definite no no........

Just because you are next door it does not matter you have left two minors home alone................

The monitor............. If all was quiet and you heard no noise all evening how do you know the children are safe the monitor could be failing or at worse someone has turned it off.

Bottom line ... neglect.

What would happen would depend on a lot of things, so I cannot comment. The family would defiantly go on a list and be monitored, maybe through doctors, health visitors and the school.

Put into the mix OP is a child minder it would not look good.

ThatBloodyWoman · 22/09/2014 18:13

Has comfy 's analysis influenced your decision, op?

RufusTheReindeer · 22/09/2014 18:18

Think they are too young, it's not something I would do but I'm sure there are loads of things that I do that you wouldn't Grin

KellyElly · 22/09/2014 18:25

Well, the fact that there's a SW on this thread saying what she's saying will hopefully make the OP (and the many other posters who would do this) rethink! Not worth being reported to SS for the sake of a dinner with your neighbours.

rainbowfeet · 22/09/2014 18:53

I agree if you were my CM & I found out you did this (word could spread around neighborhood quite easily).. I would find a new CM!!

Considering what Poster who is a SW said .. Is it worth risking your livelihood ... Just have neighbours in your house

skylark2 · 22/09/2014 19:14

I'd do it provided the 8 year old was confident about it (and knew exactly where I was). I'd leave my back door unlocked, so no issues with keys / getting back in in an emergency.

If it's not safe to leave the back door unlocked when you're next door and have a baby monitor on so you can hear every noise, it's not safe to leave the kids either.

But it does depend on the house layout. If I was eating in my neighbour's dining room I'd be 8 feet from my back door, in direct line of sight, far closer than I am when I go down the garden. Being five seconds further away isn't the same as leaving your child to deal with an emergency.

combust22 · 22/09/2014 19:21

"I'd leave my back door unlocked,"

Easy for intruders too though.

skylark2 · 22/09/2014 19:28

"Easy for intruders too though."

That's where my line gets drawn. If I'm supervising my kids to the extent that I can leave the doors between them and me unlocked, I'm happy about it. If they're sufficiently separated from me that I have to lock them in to keep them safe, I'm not happy about it.

I wouldn't feel the need to lock the door if I was in my neighbours' dining room (or down the garden). The minute I was going far enough, or out of sight/hearing enough, that I felt the need to lock the door, the kids would be coming with me or I'd have a babysitter.

ACheesePuff · 22/09/2014 19:37

Bloody hell, do you lot lay awake all night just in case there's a fire and your smoke alarm fails that particular night, or your kid gets up and slips in the kitchen and bangs their head and you don't hear it because you are asleep?

combust22 · 22/09/2014 19:40

I would wake up if my child got out of bed during the middle of the night.

ACheesePuff · 22/09/2014 19:46

Yes, course you would.

combust22 · 22/09/2014 19:47

Why the sarcasm? It happens to be true.

ACheesePuff · 22/09/2014 19:50

How do you know?

combust22 · 22/09/2014 19:51

I don't have to justify myself to you.