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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel a failure - ds is bully

80 replies

crje · 22/09/2014 10:54

Our ds is 13 ,youngest of 3 boys.
He was himself bullied from 10-12 we were aware and helped him through it(got him professional help)

He is suspended from school today for beating up a boy who slagged him about his hair.
I am numb it's the first time in my 18yrs as a parent that I'm at a loss.
I feel sick for the other boy.
Dh said its all related and ds isn't a bad kid.
How do I parent my bully ds through this .

OP posts:

Branleuse · 22/09/2014 11:00

dont overreact.I think your ds probably wont get bullied again.

Your ds will be in trouble obviously. Make sure he knows it cant happen again.

PastorOfMuppets · 22/09/2014 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iconfuseus · 22/09/2014 11:06

You are already doing better then the parents of some children who are bullies. You are acknowledging there is a problem instead of turning a blind eye and saying "Oh no, it couldn't be my precious little baby".

I think it's really careful not to label your son as a bully. From what you've told us it appears this is the only incident of this nature?

It's not as if your son just randomly picked on some boy. He was provoked. I'm not excusing his behaviour by any means but I don't think it's fair to call him a bully as such.

I think the issue here is more of an anger issue and how he expresses his anger. He's had a lot of years of bullying from other children and probably carries resentment about this - which is only human after all.

Perhaps you can get him to see the therapist again and get the therapist to help him build some productive ways of dealing with anger and provocation?

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 11:07

Is it actually bullying though?

There is a difference between bullying, and two boys fighting 'equally' where one comes off worse.

Not that the second is acceptable - but ykwim.

canweseethebunnies · 22/09/2014 11:08

It doesn't sound like he's necessarily a vindictive and calculating bully. It sounds like he overreacted to a situation because of his past experience. I'm sure the fact that you are willing to help him address this stuff will go a long way. At this stage I would try to be supportive rather than condemning. What have the school said?

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2014 11:08

He reacted violently which was wrong

But how does that make him a bully?

I think you might be misunderstanding what bullying actually is, unless there's more to the story?

bruffin · 22/09/2014 11:10

This isnt bullying and it's why i hate the phrase "victim blaming" because nothing is black and white. It was probably the straw that broke the camels back. Someone was being mean to your son and his response was out of proportion. He has been correctly punished and that should be the end of it. If he is a good kid he will know what he did was wrong and regret it himself

HighwayDragon · 22/09/2014 11:11

He doesn't sound like a bully to me, from what you've said he was taunted about his hair so snapped, not a great reaction but he probably saw the beginnings of the bullying again.

mixedpeel · 22/09/2014 11:12

He has been physical towards another boy, and not without provocation, by the sound of it. (Doesn't justify the attack, just saying it's not like he picked some random kid to get his anger out on).

I'm not sure that a one-off incident is "bullying". He's done wrong, and is being punished for that.

Horrible feeling for you, though, having seen him go through bullying previously. Our DS is having a few problems with a couple of other boys at school, interestingly same age group (started end of Y6, now carrying over into Y7), and I hope I'm not in your position in a couple of years.

But 13 is a classic age for physical aggression rearing its head. Talk it through with him and remind him of all the other tactics when other kids tease him, because that's not necessarily going to stop. He is far from a bully yet, though.

MammaTJ · 22/09/2014 11:12

I don't think he is a bully, he reacted violently once as a reaction to being teased.

I also do not think you are a failure, you are not failing to act on this.

Come up with a suitable punishment, something like 'You are not in school so use the time to clean up'.

Give him better coping strategies for next time he gets teased.

Christmascandles · 22/09/2014 11:15

I'm with your DH with this OP.
It doesn't sound like he's a bully to me. Bullying is when it's relentless, every day. But you know all this.....
I think this is one final comment and your DS has had enough.

Be kind to him OP.
Apparently a similar thing happened to my DH at school. Moved to a new area with a very distinctive accent. Bullied for a couple of years until he snapped one day. Didn't happen again, either the bullying or the snapping iykwim. DH never violent since.

smokeandglitter · 22/09/2014 11:17

That's not bullying.

My friend has never agreed with violence. At secondary school a group of boys were going on and on at him, being nasty, day in, day out. He was under a lot of pressure and was a young carer at home. He snapped and beat one of the boys up.

It doesn't make him a bully. He has never been violent before or since and feels remorse for what he did. However, he did snap.

If I was you it would raise alarm bells to how my ds must have been feeling at the time.

Oh and my friend was never bullied again.

Original poster

crje · 22/09/2014 11:17

The boy he fought is unrelated to his past . He is in a new class only a few weeks.The other kids annoyed him but didn't deserve to be hurt.

I say he is a bully because I don't know a better word ,thug maybe

He had a new start and made a mess of it.

OP posts:

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 11:20

You say that he 'beat him up' and now you're saying they 'fought'.

I really think that is the distinction, there is a huge difference.

Was your ds actually beating the other boy, whilst he remained passive? Or are they two lippy teens with too much testosterone atm who were mutually butting antlers?

Iconfuseus · 22/09/2014 11:21

Crje, I think you are really really overreacting.

Your son is not a thug. This is one incident, you cannot judge him on this alone.

He hasn't ruined his new start either. He has done something bad and been punished, which is as it should be - but he will get back to school and can make the best of things.

It is related to his past. He heard a boy being nasty about him, as he will of done in the past when he was bullied. So this is in part what caused his reaction.

No one is claiming the other boy deserved to be hurt but he isn't a totally innocent party.

I really think you need to think carefully about your attitude to this situation. You risk making it into a much bigger deal then it is.

cherrybombxo · 22/09/2014 11:25

The first thing I would say is that you're not a failure because you understand that there is a problem. What your DS did is awful and he will be in trouble, but hopefully his punishment will stop him from doing it again.

I was terrorised for two years and I was scared to leave my house, I walked the two miles to and from school rather than chance meeting the "ringleader" off the school bus and my hair was falling out in clumps with the stress. Her mother denied that her precious child could be involved, even after the girl attacked me, punched lumps out of me completely unprovoked in the lunch hall one day and my mother drove me directly from school to the girl's mum's house (broken glasses, bleeding nose and all) to show her what her little darling did for fun. The mother brushed it off and refused to believe that her daughter would really gather all of her friends around to watch as she tore into me, I had OBVIOUSLY done something to deserve it

You recognise the problem, and hopefully this is a one-off incident. Think up a suitable punishment, talk to him and make sure he understands why this is unacceptable.

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 11:26

No one is claiming the other boy deserved to be hurt but he isn't a totally innocent party

Until the op provides more details that's a huge assumption and very close to victim blaming.

For instance - if your ds said jokingly to someone 'What have you done to your hair this morning, you look like you've just rolled out of bed!' (typical banter amongst teenage boys). Then he was violently set upon and beaten to a pulp - would you really be saying he had to take some of the blame?

For all we know that's the situation, and the op's dc needs some serious counselling and anger management.

Or it could be that two boys in a new class clashed, were being equally shitty to each other, and it ended up in a physical fight, and both have been punished.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 22/09/2014 11:27

He doesn't sound like a bully or a thug. He had an inappropriately violent reaction to being teased. That's a problem, obviously, but it's a different problem from being a bully.

aNoteToFollowSo · 22/09/2014 11:28

He hasn't necessarily made a mess of it. For all you know, his actions have headed off another year of being teased and bullied.

Please remember that you don't know what was going on at the time, and that you don't know the dynamics involved between the boys. Yes, he needs guidance and perhaps censure to not act that way again. But he also needs love and support to not act that way again. Help him. You can't condone what he has done. But you should also be very careful of undermining a shaky, hard-won confidence by labeling him a nasty bully.

Good luck OP. You sound a lovely parent.

marne2 · 22/09/2014 11:29

I don't think,he's a bully, it was a one off and he was standing up for himself, I wish my dd would do the same as then she would not get bullied as much . I know we teach our kids not to hit or fight back but there comes a point where they will snap and fight back to defend themselves. Hopefully the fact he has stood up for himself will stop others from bullying him.

Don't be too hard on him, it doesn't sound like he has been bullying anyone, just let him know that there are other options and violence isn't always the answer.

Original poster

crje · 22/09/2014 11:31

Ds threw the first punch and it was a brawl after that.The witnesses said ds really lost it though.
I'm upset that the one ds wanted to hit wasn't the one who got hit(old bully)
I understand he was laying down a marker that he won't be an easy target .
He is a good kid and was honest and apologetic.
I'm upset another parent feels the way I used to when my ds came home upset.

He is in his room. I'm calm on the outside but my head is melted !!

OP posts:

Original poster

crje · 22/09/2014 11:36

The other boy kept touching ds hair.
He was part of of group who were teasing him about how he styled his hair.
ds punched after asking him to stop 3 times.

OP posts:

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 11:37

I wouldn't say that was bullying behaviour at all.

Regardless of his history though, if he 'lost it' then I would say that some intervention - anger management techniques etc - is necessary.

Other parents are not going to care about his reasons why, when it's their dc who are getting pulled into fights they didn't start. Unless of course this other boy was really, really vile to him.

bruffin · 22/09/2014 11:40

crje

The same happened with my ds. He lost it with someone who played a joke on him, but ds had put up with months of his "friends" using him as the but of their jokes when they started secondary. It was literally the last straw for him and he lost it.
FWIW the mother, when she heard ds's story was very sympathetic to ds and understood.
DS 19 now and has never done it again and went on to be very supportful of his old friends when they were in trouble for something else.

upthedamnwotsit · 22/09/2014 11:41

He's not a thug or a bully imo. A whole group of people mocking him, he asked them to stop not once or twice but three times. He snapped. The violence was wrong but I can understand how you could lose it after being bullied for two years in the past. It must have felt like it was all about to start again- this new kid joins the class and immediately starts teasing him and his appearance.

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