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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel a failure - ds is bully

80 replies

crje · 22/09/2014 10:54

Our ds is 13 ,youngest of 3 boys.
He was himself bullied from 10-12 we were aware and helped him through it(got him professional help)

He is suspended from school today for beating up a boy who slagged him about his hair.
I am numb it's the first time in my 18yrs as a parent that I'm at a loss.
I feel sick for the other boy.
Dh said its all related and ds isn't a bad kid.
How do I parent my bully ds through this .

OP posts:
bobbywash · 22/09/2014 13:53

1 day suspension from school is pretty lenient, so they clearly took everything into account.

If you want to punish him, I would suggest grounding him for 1 weekend, or not doing an activity for 1 session, it shows your disapproval but doesnt seem like a punishment for "standing up for himself" which is what many parents want their child to do.

Yes his action is putting a marker down, and if it help get rid of the bullies from him, it's no bad thing (not that I'm advocating violence)

This happened to DP's son, who was in his 1st month of secondary school, got into a fight with a child who was taunting him, chased him and in the fight that followed, he landed the only telling blow and was suspended for 3 days, the school made that decision then notified DP. He had never been in a fight before, and hasn't since 5 years later. Unfortunately a lot of boys go through this, and when the school gets involved they usually come down on the side of the one that was hurt most.

That sort of isolated incident doesn't make a child a bully.

Branleuse · 22/09/2014 13:53

i wouldnt punish him either

mummytime · 22/09/2014 13:55

I would just show your son your disapproval - which I'm sure you have already done.

Hitting other people is wrong (and even then there is a defence of accidental or self-defence).

But there are a wide range of circumstances where hitting someone is not bullying: using excess force, when you are reacting to existing provocation, when the other person asks you to hit them (does happen), all fall into this category. Your son is not a bully - in fact he was being bullied. He dealt with the situation incorrectly, but he is still pretty young and sometimes if people will not "get out of your face" some force may be necessary - and it is hard not to lose it. This is the kind of thing Police and Prison officers receive training for.

To give him a clear message, you can use words - at 13 he is perfectly able to understand you telling him you are disappointed, and that he needs to learn and think of new strategies to deal with situations like this.

Christmascandles · 22/09/2014 13:57

Nope, no further punishment needed IMO.

UsedtobeFeckless · 22/09/2014 13:58

Don't be too hard on yourself or your son. He was being teased, it brought up bad memories and eventually he snapped and thumped someone. That's not bullying or thugishness. The self same thing happened to DP when he was a teenager, he's a very mild and mellow person but he was poked and prodded and riled until in the end he belted his tormenter - who never came near him again. As far as I know he's never hit anyone else since!

bruffin · 22/09/2014 13:59

FWIW my ds never got punished either by us or school. It was out of school and it never got back to them, and i knew how upset he was about it all.
I know he learnt his lesson because a few months later he got mugged x2 in the park by some other boys and he told the police he didnt react to them because he knew it was wrong. He didnt need to be punished to know it was wrong.

halfwildlingwoman · 22/09/2014 14:03

I'm going to ask a question that may be slightly odd, but based on experience as a secondary school teacher. Does your son have Afro hair? Because it is particularly offensive to touch someone's hair because they are perceived as different. I've only observed 'touching hair' either as a white pupil touching the hair of a black pupils - could be curiosity in a primary aged child, but racism in a secondary age child. Or boys touching girl's hair without permission, which I see as the start of sexual harassment. Either way I would take touching hair very seriously. It's a big invasion of personal space.
Sorry if I'm being clumsy or offensive, but the point I'm making is that while he should never react violently, if I was persistently being pawed at I think I would have snapped. And if there was a racial element to the hair touching you would be more than justified in taking that to the HT.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:05

No don't punish, he is being punished already by school but mabey you need to have a chat with him, about how he can deal with it in a better way if it happens again. Wonder how they are dealing with the bully boys.

TattyDevine · 22/09/2014 14:05

Please don't be so quick to "label" your son a bully.

You can be a bully without ever being physically violent, and you can be physically violent without ever being a bully.

Purpleroxy · 22/09/2014 14:05

I would not punish him any further than the school has done.

He did not start out to bully this boy. He reacted violently to teasing. Whilst violence isn't acceptable, neither is the behaviour the other boy subjected him. For that reason, the school's punishment is enough. I would just tell your ds that if anything happens again, to not lash out because then even though someone else started behaving nastily, your ds will be in more trouble than them.

If anyone in this is a bully, it's the boy who repeatedly had a go about your ds's hair. Hopefully he will not start taunting your ds or anyone else any time soon.

bruffin · 22/09/2014 14:08

And if there was a racial element to the hair touching you would be more than justified in taking that to the HT.

Race shouldnt make it a worse offence. It is bullying whether its white on white, white on black or black on white.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:09

I agree half, in primary school touching hair is usual, as the children are only little and are curious, but this was not that. They are secondary school pupils and should know better. The touching was part of the teasing, and they did not have permission to touch op ds hair, and it was clear that he was irritated by them, he told them to stop twice! On an unprofessional level, they got what they deserved, but yes hope that op ds can work with the school to find more appropriate ways of dealing with this if it happens again.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:12

Correction, op ds asked boys to stop 3 times! I hope that they are being appropriately dealt with as well.

halfwildlingwoman · 22/09/2014 14:13

I agree bruffin, but it might explain DS's strong reaction and make the HT take it more seriously in giving him support and the other child an appropriate punishment.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:17

Mabey if op ds is of Afro/carribbean descent, it could also make it a race issue too, so op could see the school about racist incident.

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 14:21

I've only observed 'touching hair' either as a white pupil touching the hair of a black pupils - could be curiosity in a primary aged child, but racism in a secondary age child. Or boys touching girl's hair without permission, which I see as the start of sexual harassment

I really, really dislike the way these terms - racism and sexual harassment - are thrown around.

So any 13 year old white pupil touching a black pupils hair is automatically racist, and any boy touching a girls hair is automatically a potential sexual-harasser.

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 22/09/2014 14:23

*Mabey if op ds is of Afro/carribbean descent, it could also make it a race issue too, so op could see the school about racist incident'

If the only thing they did was touch his hair, that hardly amounts to racial abuse - teasing yes.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:25

Yes It depends on what was said, if op ds had Afro hair and they were making fun of it, and how it was styled, then yes I think it is!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:26

crazy read the op posts, they were teasing him about his hair, and how he styled it, they then touched his hair.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:28

he other boy kept touching ds hair.
He was part of of group who were teasing him about how he styled his hair.
ds punched after asking him to stop 3 times.

Original poster
crje · 22/09/2014 14:34

No racial element

Ds styles his hair with a quif at the front, uses gel so it's hard.
School recommended he didn't in future which I'm a bit Confusedabout .
Dh agrees ds needs to blend in.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:39

ok but the schools reaction is unacceptable, a pupil should not be bullied like that however they have their hair. so they are implying its ds fault because of his hair Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 14:40

still does not give them the right to touch his hair and make fun of him.

Marmiteandjamislush · 22/09/2014 14:42

You are not a failure and I don't think DS could be described as a bully. I do however, think he should be punished. Hitting is wrong, being suspended from school is a big thing and he needs to know that it cannot happen again. Remember he is only in the second year of high school, so people are likely to annoy him again and you don't want him to think that suspension is only a few days off. You also don't want him to be thought of as 'that' student by staff. Remember suspensions go on his record that will be seen by 6th form colleges.

If I were you, I would say no TV or whatever for the week and the suspension days to run as if he were at school. I would also do some reinforcement of walking away from people who are bothering him.

upthedamnwotsit · 22/09/2014 14:42

But surely if you tell him he needs to blend in then the only thing he'll take away from this is that if you don't want to picked on in life then make sure you don't stand out at all.