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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel a failure - ds is bully

80 replies

crje · 22/09/2014 10:54

Our ds is 13 ,youngest of 3 boys.
He was himself bullied from 10-12 we were aware and helped him through it(got him professional help)

He is suspended from school today for beating up a boy who slagged him about his hair.
I am numb it's the first time in my 18yrs as a parent that I'm at a loss.
I feel sick for the other boy.
Dh said its all related and ds isn't a bad kid.
How do I parent my bully ds through this .

OP posts:
bruffin · 22/09/2014 11:42

Other parents are not going to care about his reasons why, when it's their dc who are getting pulled into fights they didn't start
cross posted but having been in that situation, some parents can be very understanding.

MrsHerculePoirot · 22/09/2014 11:43

I wouldn't class him as a bully (secondary teacher), but I would be concerned about his reaction. If I was in your position I would speak to the school to see if perhaps he could access someone to speak to about his feelings/anger management. We have people we can refer students onto for confidential support. You could also contact the people at www.bullying.co.uk they support parents of children being bullied and those of bullies as part of their work, they might have some good advice for you and their helpline I think is 24 hours 7 days a week.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/09/2014 11:44

right, so the other kids started it, wouldn't stop when asked, then your kid over-reacted... possibly in response to getting bullied last couple of years. don't see him as a bully. see him as a child who was maybe scared, intimidated, cornered and over-reacted.

over reacting bad... but understandable. school need to work with all involved. yes punish ds but also the others needto understand that their behaviour was not acceptable either.

FrothyDragon · 22/09/2014 11:45

This is not a judgement on your parenting, crje. Sometimes children do things that completely throw us.

I agree with the above that, no, this doesn't sound like he's a bully. But this is something that needs to be nipped in the bud, and quickly.

I'm not going to support the 'losing control' argument, as that removes the blame from your son's shoulders. He made a choice to throw the first punch.

Have a drink, (tea, coffee) calm your nerves a little, and when you feel a little less harsh on yourself, go upstairs and talk to him. Reiterate that his violence towards others will not be tolerated. Discuss other ways he can deal with such comments. You need to set the consequences for his actions; at thirteen, he's old enough to know better. But you also need to encourage him to find other ways of dealing with being provoked.

Would it be possible for him to make an apology to the other boy before he returns to school? My parents would have suggested a letter of apology, but I can understand if that particular option doesn't appeal, for whatever reason.

Mrsjayy · 22/09/2014 11:45

Your son was in a fight he reacted to being slagged off this isn't right does not make him a bully but you have realised his behaviour is not on lots and lots of parents would excuse th is blame others. This makes you a good sensible realistic parent you have not failed anybody.

Iconfuseus · 22/09/2014 11:48

Crazytypeofindifference The OP had already made it clear that this wasn't simply a jest.

In her own words in her first post she said "a boy who slagged him about his hair". Slagging someone off isn't a jest it's vicous mockery.

Also I very clearly said, in the section of my comment that you highlighted that the boy who got beaten up did not deserve it.

Of course I don't want my son to be beaten up and I would wants something done about it if that situation occurred. However if I found out that he'd been teasing the person who'd beat him up I would not view him as completely innocent either and I would be having words with him about how he treated others.

Also I suggested in my earlier post that her son needs to see a therapist to help him deal with his anger in a more healthy way.

CRJE Building on the further details you have given us I can totally see why your son reacted the way he did. It doesn't excuse it of course.

The other boy was invading his space and touching him in an unwanted way.

I wouldn't be projecting about how the other parents feel. You don't know how they might view the situation.

If I'd heard my son had behaved the way this other boy has done (as you have presented the situation to us in your more recent posts) I'd be pretty worried about my son being a bully - not yours.

HavanaSlife · 22/09/2014 11:48

Thats not bullying, he was being tomented and lashwd out. Obviously you need to talk to him about controlling his temper but this doesnt make him a bully or a thug

HavanaSlife · 22/09/2014 11:50

And agree with icon, if my son had been touching another childs hair repetedly and slagging him off id think I was the one who had a bully

TerrariaMum · 22/09/2014 11:53

What Mrsjayy said. I would also add though that at 13, he is still a child and still learning social skills. Being bullied makes the normal rollercoaster of adolescence more difficult so I am not surprised at his lashing out.

You are in no way a failure. Your posting here at all shows quite the opposite.

FrothyDragon · 22/09/2014 11:54

Given further details, I agree with HavanaSlife. Is it possible to discuss the situation with his teacher at some point? They can often miss the bigger picture.

whois · 22/09/2014 11:57

Doesn't sound like a bully to me, since he was the one who was provoked?

Obviously totally wrong to react violently etc, but he'll probably be left alone from now on.

It doesn't sound like he is a bully based on the info in your OP.

Lemonylemon · 22/09/2014 11:57

I'd be taking it up with the school as well (not in an "all guns blazing" way, but definitely getting involved. The other kid was asked 3 times to leave your DS alone. He's 13. He was being got at.

Original poster
crje · 22/09/2014 12:47

Thank you all for the advice and perspective Flowers

Rang for meeting with yr head to make a plan to help ds .

This made me realise that being bullied has left a scab on ds that is easily picked.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 22/09/2014 12:50

Think you need to be a bit more supportive of your son rather than calling him a bully and thug. Think youve quite an odd reaction to this.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 22/09/2014 12:51

He was being teased mercilessly and had his personal space invaded, he asked them to stop and they didn't. Well they won't be doing that again, will they.

Tell him he's grounded while he's suspended, and then when he's allowed back at school again he's no longer grounded and starts with a clean slate.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/09/2014 13:18

A few years ago my dn was part of a group of boys that verbally "picked on" another boy. Dn says (and the picked-on boy backs up) that he didn't actually do anything himself but did laugh when his mates did it.

One day picked on boy snapped and beat up dn to such an extent he had to go to A&E.

The school punished both lads equally. (Which SIL went a bit ballistic at but dn's dad - her ex - agreed the punishment with the school.)

LokiBear · 22/09/2014 13:23

Your son is not a bully. He may be struggling with anger issues after being bullied. He needs support and guidance. Are the school helping him to repair the relationship with the child he hit? Did they deal with the bullying (when your son was being victimised?). You need to have a meeting to find out how he is doing socially. Deal with why he lashed out and focus on how he feels. Is he remorseful? If not, why not?

PiperIsOrange · 22/09/2014 13:26

There is only so many times a person can walk away, he sounds like has had 3 years of hell and finally snapped.

I say good on him, perhaps now the other children will get the message and leave him alone.

ToadToast · 22/09/2014 13:33

I can see his it happened too, actually if it is a new class then he will have been stressed and under much more pressure than usual. The other boys will also have been seeing how far they could push him deliberately too and this is why fresh starts aren't easy. A fresh start leaves you anxious, full of adrenaline and Is a classic time for overreactions.

This will probably have stressed him some more but may yet do him a favour in the longer term. I would be very careful with him, he would have felt like all the bullying was starting again ab threatening to spiral out of control.

Branleuse · 22/09/2014 13:33

we're all saying here about how he overreacted, but every single one of us who has been bullied will understand why your ds reacted like that, and maybe this is exactly what those other little shits needed to happen

MissWing · 22/09/2014 13:37

crje, you poor thing, it all sounds horrible.

When you tell your story though, I really want to scoop up your DS and give him cuddles and warmth. Poor love was bullied for a couple of years and that must have made him feel awful awful. And now in his new class, this other child was mean to him, and poor love probably felt like the whole ordeal was starting all over again and 'when will I be accepted?' 'why can't they leave me alone?'

But not having a wise head on his young shoulders, he responded like a teenage boy, with punches.

Your poor DS is in need of reassurance and acceptance. Violence is not acceptable, violence was not his first choice, it's just that he fast ran out of options.

All the best to you both.

Original poster
crje · 22/09/2014 13:37

He has one day suspension from school.
Not sure what a suitable punishment is from us.
I'm on ds side but don't want to give him mixed messages comforting while not condoning is a fine line.
School are being great and will help in any way they can.

OP posts:
PiperIsOrange · 22/09/2014 13:41

I wouldn't even punish him.

I was bullied, then snapped and left alone the remainder of the time in school.

For my parents it was a relief that it all stopped.

YouTheCat · 22/09/2014 13:48

I wouldn't punish him. He was being bullied (again) by a different set of children and he snapped. Not the best way for him to deal with it but understandable and that doesn't make him a bully either.

I was bullied all through primary. We moved 200 miles away and I still got bullied at the beginning of high school, until I pinned a girl against a wall, and told her I'd leave her permanently scarred if she even so much as looked at me funny. It wasn't my proudest moment but I never had a pick of bother from her again.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 13:53

Oh bless crje, but I don't think it was bulllying behaviour, the boy was deliberately teasing him and egging him, imho, he was the bully. If he did not say those things and touch ds hair this would not have happened. He was defending himself. I know it was not the right behaviour, but your ds is not a bully.

The same thing happened to me when I was 8, a boy kept teasing and making fun of me (i have SN, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dev delay), I just got so fed up I punched him in the nose and caused a bleed. My parents had to be called in, I apologised to the boy, and got a dressing down from my parents. I never repeated it again, as there was no need.

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