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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Policy on nipping out?

123 replies

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24

I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.

I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.

(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)

We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).

It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.

This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.

Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)

I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.

I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.

I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

polkadotdelight · 22/09/2014 07:27

DH and I are expecting our pfb so don't have children just yet but neither of us would dream of behaving like that. It's simply good manners/respect for your partner/common courtesy not to just disappear. If one of us wants to do something or go somewhere we will check with the other one, it's not about asking permission and neither of us would consider the other a ball and chain.

Phoenix2014 · 22/09/2014 07:55

I think there is more to this than rudeness and disrespect. I think his behaviour is very controlling and indicative of deep seated anger issues.

His actions keep you on your toes as you never know when you will be able to do the simplest of tasks unhindered. E.g. Have a shower! He also keeps you hanging around waiting, not knowing how long you may be waiting.

He is controlling you.

His comments aimed at flipping the blame onto you - further controlling behaviour. What sane, reasonable woman wants to be identified in such a way? It is designed to disarm you and make you doubt and question yourself. Hasn't it worked a treat! Here you are, being very reasonable, honest and open totally doubting yourself in your OP,

Fwiw, I think he probably needs counselling to address these issues.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/09/2014 08:21

Hello, OP's DH.

I'd like you to imagine that you're the one telling this story, to a mixed audience of other dads of toddlers. The ones who side with your use of "ball and chain"; they don't look very nice, do they? The tats, the rolled up copy of the Sun, the not so covert racism.

Get a fucking grip, sonny.

Fairylea · 22/09/2014 08:25

Disgrace - my dh is covered in "tats" from the head down, he is as left wing as me and would never ever dream of behaving this way. Nice bit of stereotyping there.

Op this nipping out thing is about control. It is about saying he is more important than you.

Phoenix2014 · 22/09/2014 08:29

Disgrace... that's terrible class stereotyping.
I think this sort of abusers takes place in every walk of life. I think assuming that it comes from a small section of society helps perpetuate it in others.
Your post left a very nasty taste!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/09/2014 08:29

Yy phoenix

Phoenix2014 · 22/09/2014 08:29

This sort of abuse

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/09/2014 08:40

He calls you ball and chain, but he has effectively chained you to the house for the time he is out, because he probably doesnt take his keys with him, and I bet he'd have a right tantrum if you locked him out.

PistolWhipped · 22/09/2014 08:46

I hate this kind of controlling behaviour. Who does he think he is, putting you in a position where you have to hunt him down? Arsewipe.

BertieBotts · 22/09/2014 08:59

Oh come on. It's not controlling and WTF anger issues?

He's been a bit thoughtless is all, made some assumptions, not really thought through the reality of "I don't mind if you do it too". In fact he's actually agreed to let OP know when he goes out, reading again, the argument was for whether he should wait for a reply. (I think he should - he needs to be sure you're aware you're in sole charge of the DC)

I'm really not seeing any abuse here and I'm quick to call it out where I see it and sometimes called overzealous for doing so. Aware that doesn't make me an oracle on spotting abuse but really I don't think there's anything in this thread which would suggest it.

An abuser MAY act the same way but it would be for different reasons.

Bouttimeforwine · 22/09/2014 09:05

YANBU

I hope that this is the only issue where he is not treating you respectfully?
Are there any other red flags? I'm concerned that because you doubted your own gut instinct on this issue and 100% thought yanbu , that there may be other things that you think is normal and other people would be horrified by. The fact that you had to ask mumsnet if Yabu is worrying.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 22/09/2014 09:22

It's very rude and incredibly stupid as he could be knocked off his byke and you wouldn't know he had gone.

My grown up sons wouldn't act like this. When they were living at home they communicated if they were going out and where. They would text if going to be much later as I would to to them.

He's very very rude and arrogant.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 22/09/2014 09:23

Disgrace my sons have 'tats'

What a lazy prejudiced post.

Original poster

Ballandchainer · 22/09/2014 09:43

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your input. It's given me (and him, I hope) food for thought. Having probed further last night, it turns out he's sometimes pottered in the shed with the DC in the house. I guess while I'm horrified that he's done it (shed is not really within earshot of the inside of the house and most definitely not within earshot of the front door...) I suppose it explains why he thought it was unreasonable of me to consider myself "on duty" if I'm inside/home alone with DC. He says reading through your posts has made him realise that he's been reckless.

He says won't be nipping anywhere for any length of time without the kids anymore, if I'm out of the house myself. I hope he's being genuine about that. As far as the letting me know when he's going, he says he really thought he was right until he read your replies.

He grew up in a very traditional household, his DM and DS still live like that, and I think he's starting to see that he does hold those values/beliefs/ways of interacting on some base level... It's not the first time this has been an issue.

As for the tats comment... He's got none. I do. :)

Anyway, I've taken on board your concerns... I hope he has too.
He knows my background and the effect it likely has on me day-to-day. I'm more aware of it myself now, that's why I posted in the first place. I have no "normal" to compare to.

Again, thank you.

OP posts:

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/09/2014 09:47

Good!

hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2014 09:48

I'm so glad he's seeing sense.
It is rude.
My partner would never dream of leaving the premises without giving me a kiss.
Maybe do it that way. So he doesn't feel like he's asking.
He finds you, lets you know he's going out and then gives you a kiss goodbye. Who wouldn't?? Weird!

ShadowStar · 22/09/2014 09:58

Glad he's starting to see sense.
Yes, it's definitely reckless to go and potter in the shed, out of earshot, if you're in sole charge of small children. An unattended 2 yr old can get into a lot of mischief.

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2014 10:47

HUrrah! Glad he's seen sense, and glad that you have seen that your gut instinct is right. :)

DownWithDaddyLongLegs · 22/09/2014 11:20

sounds positive :)

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 22/09/2014 12:44

Good egg.

strawberryrock · 22/09/2014 12:53

Yanbu. He should let you know when he goes out of the house.

HavanaSlife · 22/09/2014 13:28

I hope he has seen sense. My 3 yo and 20 month old could get up to allsorts if I left them alone to go pottering about in the shed.

Not telling you hes nipping out is totally selfish, its just common courtesy. Even my adult dc will pop his head round the door and say hes nipping out and ido the same with him.

SuiGeneris · 22/09/2014 23:03

Definitely not U. He's being rude in not telling you/saying goodbye before he leaves and going away for a bike ride without checking that it is a convenient time is just arrogant.
I would be fuming...

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