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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Policy on nipping out?

123 replies

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24

I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.

I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.

(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)

We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).

It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.

This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.

Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)

I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.

I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.

I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
StetsonsAreCool · 21/09/2014 22:27

Oh, and I'm that wound up that DH has asked me what's up. Fwiw, he is on your side too. His first question was 'what if they both decided to do it at the same time without checking? Wouldn't the house be left unlocked?'

So there's a security issue to think about too.

BertieBotts · 21/09/2014 22:41

It's also apparently a factor in large gatherings like weddings - accidents and cases of children going missing tend to happen much more often where adults don't have a system to explicitly "check their children in" with another adult. Because everybody assumes everybody else is watching and they slip through the cracks.

WorldWildWifeFund · 21/09/2014 22:43

Maybe he doesn't want to be questioned about where he's going.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/09/2014 22:47

Anybody who does this is out of order.
It is common courtesy to let you know.
If you did this too at about the same time, who would be looking after your 2 year old?
Tell him he's a father now and can't do this anymore.

Blu · 21/09/2014 22:55

All his 'chained up ' language, how very melodramatic! All you're asking him to do is observe the normal courtesy of saying goodbye and he's carrying on as if you gave him on a work program in a gulag . He needs to calm himself.

TeaAndALemonTart · 21/09/2014 22:56

I think he sounds weird. Certainly that's not normal behaviour.

ChippingInLatteLover · 21/09/2014 23:03

Please let us know how you get on, because if he doesn't cease and desist this utterly rude behavior I will come and chain him up!!

You are not the default parent!! So don't let him think you are, put your foot down now. Leaving the house (by that I mean off of your property) requires discussion - he's not single and childless anymore, but he's going the right way about becoming so - or castrated Grin

BookABooSue · 21/09/2014 23:08

YANBU at all. You almost have complete agreement on this thread and that's saying a lot in AIBU.

He's being rude, disrespectful and lax.

If you adopted the same approach your DCs would be left home alone in an unlocked house. It's ridiculous behaviour and tbh his attitude towards you is disgusting when you're only asking him to act like a responsible adult. It's time he grew up.

Upandatem · 21/09/2014 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 21/09/2014 23:09

My dh often pops out for a 'blast' on his bike too. But he always lets me know he's going out. It would not occur to him not to tbh, it's just common courtesy. Neither of us just disappear without letting the other know.

The ball and chain comment is just plain rude. He thinks of lot himself, hey OP. My answer to that would be 'If you want to be single, that can be arranged'.

HicDraconis · 21/09/2014 23:11

Glad he's read the thread. Hope you're still following it because I'm another one adding to the unanimous yanbu and he's being an arse chorus.

What Castlemilk said, basically. You both have the same ball & chain, if he wants to be so derogatory about his children.

My DH often pops out for things, but he always lets me know when / where / why. Not because he needs permission, but out of common courtesy - it lets me know I have sole charge of boys / dogs, gives me a rough idea of how long for, gives me the chance to let him know if I have to go out or remind him of plans he may have forgotten. Mostly he lets me know because he uses it as a chance to ask if there's anything I need him to pick up while he's out.

I do the same. It's called being a team. OP's DH, you should try it.

Longdistance · 21/09/2014 23:32

Yanbu. My dh does similar to this. Just walks out the door.

Similar incidents include, no ringing to tell me he's back from (city up north) and back down south. Not calling unless HE wants something. Saying he's going out for a few drinks, minutes before he leaves Hmm and then staying out late.

You gave my full sympathies op.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 21/09/2014 23:46

So, what happens if you do as he does? He's 'nipped out', you don't even realise, and you 'nip out'. Result? Small children alone in house for perhaps as much as half an hour.

Your DH is being rude, arrogant, irresponsible and quite a cunt.

Fairylea · 21/09/2014 23:51

Yanbu. He is being an absolute arse!!

strawberryangel · 22/09/2014 00:12

Next time he does it, ring him from your mobile to his and ask if he wants anything from Tesco while you're there. As you nipped out at x o'clock (5 minutes before he did) oh, and is the toddler OK?
Let him believe for a few minutes that his actions have led to your two year old being unattended.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I think you are actually being a bit too soft, rather than too controlling. He absolutely should be 'asking permission' to leave you in sole charge of the children. Me and my DH are not in the least bit controlling with each other, but unless we're at work or at a prearranged event, we are both 'on duty' with the kids. So yes, if one of us would like the other to take sole charge for any period of time, we are asking, not telling. Neither of us is the 'default parent'. Or rather, both of us are.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/09/2014 00:27

"It's not asking permission to go out, it's asking if your DP would please mind the DC whilst you're out. "

This is the key.

YANBU, op

Topsycurvy · 22/09/2014 00:27

You are sooo NBU. He is bvu. Vvvv.

I'm tired, but hopefully made my point.

DownWithDaddyLongLegs · 22/09/2014 00:54

I'm astounded that any grown adult with children thinks it's OK to behave like that. My DH and I both have a huge amount of freedom and "time off" from (me) being I/C kids. We work into the weekend time for each of us to have some decompression time. Yes, you need it with work and kids, or being at home all day with them, but your SHARE it and plan it with your partner. As in, when you're lying in bed in the morning, having been woken up at 5am by some hyperactive monster darling you murmur "I really need a long bike ride today" to which the reply is "Back for lunch?".

Bulbasaur · 22/09/2014 03:12

Everyone's already covered the disrespect in assuming you'll just take sole responsibility for DC, even if you wanted to relax as well. But you should know it is normal for parents to consult each other before leaving the other in sole charge.

I even make sure DH is alright with it before I take a nap, and vise versa. We never say no, but it's just one of those things you don't assume or act entitled over. We might be working on something around the house and would rather the other wait a few minutes before leaving one in charge.

We always let each other know when we're running late, or popping out to the store. It's not a matter of keeping tabs on each other, it's just so we're both in the loop and don't worry or assume the other is there when they aren't. I also have him take his phone with him whenever he is out in case I need to get a hold of him.

From a safety perspective, what if he wiped out on his bike? You wouldn't know when to start worrying about him because you wouldn't know how long he was actually gone and how long he planned to be out.

It's just good manners to keep the other in the loop.

If your DH feels like it's a ball and chain to have to be around you, you have bigger problems that should be looked at than him just popping out. Why does he feel like he's chained down? That seems to be a bigger issue than him wanting to take a bike ride whenever he wants.

Bulbasaur · 22/09/2014 03:27

Also, completely unrelated. "Nipping out" means something very different here in the US. If you said you were nipping out here, you'd get some stares and giggles. :)

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2014 03:33

What does it mean then Bulbasaur? Confused

Ball - YAabsolutelyNBU. It's just bloody rude and disrespectful to just bugger off for an unspecified length of time without telling you - what if you had an urgent appointment you needed to go to, and he just fucked off out without letting you know?
It's outrageous that he just expects you to always be the one looking after the children - is he a father or just some random bike-riding lodger in the house? Cheek of him.

Surfsup1 · 22/09/2014 03:57

I haven't read all the thread, but YANBU. If you could reply on him to let you know when he's actually leaving, then it wouldn't be an issue when he goes off to the shed, but if you can never be sure if he's around or not then that's just ridiculous.

Surfsup1 · 22/09/2014 03:58

What if you both behaved this way? The children could end up being left with no one home!

VeryStressedMum · 22/09/2014 07:19

YANBU at all. I wouldn't be happy at all if dh just walked out the door and went out without telling me he's going out. And I wouldn't go out without telling him either. It's simply not on for him to do that when you're in the shower and you have a 2 year old in the house! Is he actually doing this on purpose? He's an adult with a child not a single man surely he knows he can't just come and go without even mentioning it to anyone and you've already reminded hum to tell you he's going out..then he turns it around and says you keep him prisoner! sorry but I think be knows what he's doing and us showing a major lack of respect to you.

Fairylea · 22/09/2014 07:23

Strawberry angel's idea with the text is genius and would prove the point beautifully.

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