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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Policy on nipping out?

123 replies

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24

I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.

I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.

(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)

We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).

It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.

This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.

Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)

I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.

I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.

I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/09/2014 19:41

YANBU. He is just making the assumption that you are the main carer and he is doing you a favour by being there. What if you "popped out" without saying something and then he did the same? It's just common courtesy.

Castlemilk · 21/09/2014 19:43

It's just being a team, isn't it? An adult, with responsibilities.

Would he do it in work? Just leave the premises? No. The assumption being that that is 'serious' time - he's got a job to do. He's being relied upon. He's being paid. Does he refer to that as a ball and chain? I doubt it.

Parenting is very similar, really. It's a job. It's a hard, relentless job. But the payoffs are amazing, and it's something we've all - pretty much- as adults, chosen to do.

To use the tactic of rolling back into resentful adolescence to justify getting free time out from that, by passing the buck to the partner, to dodging out of the team - is twatty.

ShadowStar · 21/09/2014 19:45

I'm not sure the falling over and calling for help argument holds water.

I could just as easily fall and break a leg when DH is at work and therefore unable to hear my shouts as I could when he's (believed to be) at home.

The sending a firefighter into the burning building to rescue him argument is a valid one though.

Purplepoodle · 21/09/2014 19:46

My kids would have a meltdown if daddy just disappeared without telling them (or me) so yanbu

velveteenbunny · 21/09/2014 19:47

Oh he's reading, good.

Mr Ballandchainer - you're a useless parent and a selfish husband.

Hope that clear things up Smile

hollie84 · 21/09/2014 19:48

It's just being respectful of each other, not asking permission - if either DP or I go out, or for a nap, or to do some work upstairs we just say "I'm going to x, you're in charge". It takes seconds.

Of course it gives the other person a chance to say "actually I'm about to do something and you need to watch the kids" which might be why your DH avoids it. The way things are he gets to behave as if he has no responsibilities at all.

Gruntfuttock · 21/09/2014 19:49

That was unnecessary velveteen. I'm sure he's neither of those things.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 21/09/2014 19:57

His language - the use of "ball and chain" and "waiting for permission to be unleashed like a dog" or whatever it was he said is totally aimed at making you feel completely unreasonable, controlling and like a nagging wife.

You're not. YANBU.

He sounds like an arsehole to me.

velveteenbunny · 21/09/2014 19:58

He deserves it for the misogynistic and highly disrespectful ball and chain remarks, gruntfuttock. The OP has told him why she find it unacceptable and instead of seeing her point of view he's belittled her with names.

Entirely necessary IMO.

grannymcphee · 21/09/2014 20:04

YANBU. My husband used to do that years ago, even though he had told me earlier that he was going out at some point, I would come in from maybe working in the garden and he would be gone. I was annoyed and told him that no-one leaves their home without saying 'Goodbye', it is common courtesy! Now if I am in the garden, upstairs or wherever, he tells me he is going. It's just training really! Keep telling him and he will get the message.

feelingalittlebitlost · 21/09/2014 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/09/2014 20:08

I agree, it's a terribly selfish way to behave. As if she is just part of the furniture rather than half of a relationship.

StetsonsAreCool · 21/09/2014 20:10

Yanbu, and he is being completely disrespectful. I would personally be planning to do what stealth suggests and simply disappear from the house next time he tries it. Or go for some unannounced me time on the way home from work.

Even if my DH is only going to the shed/garden/boot of his car, I expect a shout to whichever part of the house I'm in, so I know I need to keep an extra ear out in case dd decides to throw herself down the stairs, or play with knives or something. Same in reverse if it's me. It's just manners isn't it?

Aaaaand, if you're leaving for an extended period of time, then you damn well tell the other person with rough plans and rough return time. What if he got hit by a bus and you didn't know he was even out? That's a nice phone call to get from the hospital... Hmm

I've got myself all wound up on your behalf OP Smile

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/09/2014 20:11

Yanbu. At all.

I agree with emsyj and stealthpolorbear

Not only is it inconsiderate of you and your needs to keep fucking off without mentioning it, but his response is manipulative. It is designed to keep you on your toes. He wants to make you feel sure you can't make your wishes known, or call him on unreasonable behaviour, without being accused of being controlling.
The person being controlling here is not you.

redredread · 21/09/2014 20:12

Yanbu.

It would be rude to do this if you didn't have DCs together.

As you have DCs, it's irresponsible of him.

I'd be inclined to pop out with the DCs next time he does this, and stay out for the day

redredread · 21/09/2014 20:15

Ps could you try saying to him - in advance - something like "I need to pop out for half an hour at x time. Does that fit with your plans to go out for a ride later, and are you ok to alternate childcare so we can each get out and about for a bit?"

JustAShopGirl · 21/09/2014 20:18

Next time he does it pop out the back door when you see him returning, go round to the front, let yourself in - just after him - and say - " that was a great run/nice coffee with neighbour/etc , what have you lovely lot been up to...?"

WhoDaresWins · 21/09/2014 20:53

I think it's the attitude that the DC are your responsibility that winds me up the most in this situation.

ViviPru · 21/09/2014 20:56

Oh god YANBU this would do my head in! What emsy said.

VroomOnTheBroom · 21/09/2014 21:02

That would do my head in too. Especially the attitude I see everywhere that one of us is "default parent" and the other one is "occasional babysitter", it drives me up the wall.

DH and I actually talked about this before DS was born, and we do the pilot handover - I think I might have read about it on here. Two or more years ago, a MNer was talking about being the "parent on duty" so if the other one is off-duty, there's no confusion about who is supposed to be minding the children and who is entitled to "nip out" if they feel like it. I thought that was a great idea. So now we say "honey, it's your aeroplane!" "Got it, my aeroplane!" when handing over responsibility.

Bodicea · 21/09/2014 21:25

I am sorry but that behaviour is bizarre and extremely selfish.
I would go mental if my husband ever did that to me, child or no child.
It is simply about respect. And he isn't showing you any.

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/09/2014 21:29

Eh??!

That would piss me right off Shock

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/09/2014 21:39

Absolutely what everyone else said.

What does your DH do for work, out of interest? I've worked in retail and office jobs and it has never been acceptable to 'nip out' without telling someone. Breaks and lunches are arranged to make sure there is always someone there to cover the job. Parenting is NO different, in that respect. Your DH is the equivalent of the office arsehole who takes the piss with their breaks and leaves everyone else to pick up the slack.

Demi · 21/09/2014 21:43

How often does he do this? Is there a reason? Does he have a secret smoking habit for example?

douchbag · 21/09/2014 21:49

My dh does this it drives me insane Confused