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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Policy on nipping out?

123 replies

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24

I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.

I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.

(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)

We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).

It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.

This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.

Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)

I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.

I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.

I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ShadowStar · 21/09/2014 18:43

He says he wouldn't mind if I did the same

So, if that's truly the case, when he decides to nip out, does he first check where the DC are and if you're keeping an eye on them? Because if you were to follow his example, the DC might otherwise be left home alone when he nips out. Given that he doesn't care if you tell him you've nipped out by yourself.

JillySuper · 21/09/2014 18:43

I second what stealthpolarbear said. If he is just 'nipping' out I would presume he wouldn't take his house keys with him. Go out yourself for the day and then ignore his calls.

My DH does this and it drives me mad. I wouldn't dream of leaving the house and just buggering off without a word to him.

GnomeDePlume · 21/09/2014 18:44

YANBU, to do otherwise is being discourteous.

KnackeredMuchly · 21/09/2014 18:45

He is unreasonable and I would not stand for it

ShadowStar · 21/09/2014 18:45

And when I say check where you are, I mean even just sticking his head around the door and observing that you're physically with the DC, as him not talking about his plans is the issue here.

Titsalinabumsquash · 21/09/2014 18:52

My DP does this, it drives me ape. YANBU it's common sense and polite.

Original poster
Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:54

This is AIBU, right? :)

He knows I'm here, looking after the DC, because I'm really only ever not here if I'm at work (and they ALL know if I'm planning to go to work) or if I go to the supermarket or something (nearest shop is 2 miles away, so it's not like we're in the habit of vanishing randomly.

I sometimes go for a run, but never unexpectadly, on a whim and certainly not with a "just popping out" disclaimer...

Our house is very open plan, so at most, I'm only ever in the next room from DC. DH knows that, he'd never leave them unsupervised, I'm absolutely sure of that.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/09/2014 18:56

But even if he wouldn't mind, it's impossible for you to do the same. This system only works if the children are old enough to be left alone for up to 30 minutes/an hour, OR if it's only one person doing it. (And I'd say kids who you can only leave for a short time do need to know that you're leaving too).

He's just taking off without checking that you're still there keeping an eye on the DC - what if you had taken him at his word that he "doesn't mind" and nipped out to the local shop or something? That's why it doesn't work in practice.

When there are supervisory needing children around then yes you do need to pop your head around before you leave for 30 minutes. If it was just you two or DC were teenagers then no issue.

If he doesn't want DC cottoning on and clamouring to go with him then he can make some kind of coded signal but he needs to make you aware.

Gruntfuttock · 21/09/2014 19:00

"YANBU it's common sense and polite."

Exactly. It's not as though you want him to ask permission to "nip out", purely to let you know - and that includes making sure you've heard him if he does tell you, otherwise there's no point.

BertieBotts · 21/09/2014 19:02

xposted - that is exactly the reason. It's fine for him to do this (safety wise) because he knows that you're around. But that's not really fair on you to assume that. It's effectively not giving you the freedom to do the same thing, and means that you have to be "on duty" all the time. You wouldn't even have to go out, but imagine if you had a really troublesome poo or something and didn't realise he'd gone, or you were helping one DC with something very intense and assumed that he was around for the other one, or even you just wanted a nap or something. You'd let him know if at all possible about anything which was going to absent you from "duty" for longer than 5/10 mins, so he should be doing the same.

petalsandstars · 21/09/2014 19:06

Yup HIBU 30mins tinkering in the shed or me time to have a bike ride with the assumption that you are always default childcare.

Please get him to explain the consequences of you nipping out without saying anything and then him just going for a ride 5 mins later.

Ask him how would he know the children were alone? Who would be responsible? Sometimes I have to really ask the obvious questions to make him say the words to understand the point. Just telling him the consequences doesn't seem to have the same effect.

TarkaTheOtter · 21/09/2014 19:12

He is being completely unreasonable. It's really disrespectful.
And he is trying to make you feel like a nag to shut you up.

HauntedNoddyCar · 21/09/2014 19:14

Can he explicitly state "You have control" on the occasions when he is absenting himself? And wait for the answering "I have control" like pilots. DH and I have been known to adopt that approach sometimes.

And it's taken me a while to get it through to him that leaving someone else hanging for an indeterminate time is rude.

MrsCumbersnatch · 21/09/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 21/09/2014 19:19

A typo MrsCumbersnatch

cailindana · 21/09/2014 19:20

So, in his opinion, it's ok for him to disappear without giving you any indication of where he's going or when he'll be back, and it's fine for you to do the same?

How on earth does that work? Who's looking after the children in this mad scenario where adults just wander off?

You are both equally responsible for your children. So you are both required to check that they are being looked after, which means you check with each other before wandering off.

AcheyJakey · 21/09/2014 19:26

No you are not being unreasonable at all.

Put it this way - if you did the same thing and it happened to be at the same time that he did it, the kids would be unmanned and that's illegal. Especially with little ones, you absolutely must ensure someone is looking after them at all times. So yes he should say - he's just thinking of a bike ride is that ok. To which you then get the chance to say yes fine, or would you mind if I had my shower first?

Common courtesy...

Castlemilk · 21/09/2014 19:26

Utterly unreasonable of him.

Basically, he's saying that the default is that YOU have the children as, err - well your ball and chain, actually.

'He'd have no problem with you doing this too' - well, it's a good thing you don't, isn't it? Because it would presumably take about a week before you wandered off for a walk or to see a friend without mentioning it to him, and he went on a bike ride without checking anyone's whereabouts first - and your two year old was left unattended, had an accident and bang, no more parenting. Hello, SS. Yes, brilliant all round!

He is a parent. He is also a partner, and a husband, but the important thing in this situation is that he needs to understand that he is a parent. It seems that he does not understand this. So, in simple language:

Yes, OP's DH. You do have a ball and chain. It's called a dependant child. Unless you consider that your wife is actually the only person with parental responsibility, yes you DO need to check - and actually, yes, ask permission, albeit merely out of general respect - to leave the house when the children are there and you are in the role of parent. They can't be alone. Someone has to be with them ALL THE TIME. Every time you sashay out without clearing this with your partner, you are saying 'I've just passed total responsibility to you - I'm on holiday. Executive decision. No team discussion, I'm the boss.'

And that is shit. So shit, that perhaps the best way would be if she DID do this to you. So you can see how it completely makes everything less efficient and fucking annoying. Oh, he's gone. Well I was going to nip to the loo/wash my hair/do something that means ten minutes concentrating, now I'll have to wait until he shows his face again.'

It would piss you off. Only it won't happen, because she wouldn't do it, because she's a parent, and we obviously don't do that.

Time for you to be a parent. A proper one. This may seem trivial - it's not.

poolomoomon · 21/09/2014 19:26

Yanbu. Common courtesy to literally just say "I'm off out for a bike ride/to the shed/to the shop" or wherever. As others have said, imagine if you just fucked off without saying a word assuming he was somewhere in the house and he'd gone on one of his bike rides. DC would be left alone! You aren't saying he needs to ask for your permission here so I'm not sure where the bullshit ball and chain comment came from either Hmm.

GreenPetal94 · 21/09/2014 19:27

If you are brave enough and your house is safe enough, then next time he is playing with your two year old just nip out yourself.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2014 19:33

I don't think he needs to tell you if he goes out to the shed or garage. Unless he's going to be hours and can say I'll be in the garage if you need me. But if he leaves the house and goes on a bike ride then he should certainly tell you. It's commot courtesy even when there are no children in the house.

maddening · 21/09/2014 19:34

Also what if you had planned to go out - as you both have to organise yourselves around care for dc and that means talking to each other -Yanbu!

ShadowStar · 21/09/2014 19:35

Well, if he knows that you're always around unless at work or have explicitly told him you're going out to supermarket / for a run, then I think he's almost certainly just saying that he wouldn't mind you "just nipping out" without warning to shut you up and let him win the argument.

I think that he's not even considering the possibility that you might actually take him at his word. Or the possible consequences of you just nipping out for a bit without telling him when he's in the habit of doing that himself.

Original poster
Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 19:36

I can't thank you enough. Really.
I genuinely didn't know if I was being needy or controlling.

I actually asked him if he's in the habit of wandering off while I'm not here...
Suddenly occured to me that it might explain the behaviour and not seeing why it upsets me. But of course he isn't.

So, he clearly thinks DC can't be left alone, which means he just assumes I'll always be here and don't have to be alerted to being in sole charge.

I like the pilot trick - pilots are presumably sitting right next to each other, so if THEY need to be clear... :)

He's read the thread. I hope we've made progress.

And I am so terribly sorry for any typos!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 21/09/2014 19:38

Even without the kid scenario, who just leaves the house without telling the other person in the house that they aren't there any more? So, if you fell over, and needed help, you'd be calling and would have no idea that he wasn't there.

Or if there was a fire, and you didn't know he wasn't there, and sent a fireperson in to fetch him and he rocks up an hour later after the dead body of the fireperson is being pulled out of the wreckage.

My OH used to do this, I had no idea he wasn't there and I went ape at him. It's common courtesy to tell the other adult/s that you are off out. Nothing to do with a ball and fucking chain.