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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if this is the right place but aibu to be really annoyed with OH atm and close to tears.

102 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 13:01

Right I will try not to bombard you with info but will try and avoid drip feeding either. OH works away for 4 weeks and is then home for 2, this break he has been awful. I always allow for grumpy/tired behaviour the first few days back, his job is very demanding- but it is much worse than usual and is going on and on- he had a weeks leave this time so has been home for over 2 weeks now and still sleeps till gone lunch every day, doesn't help with the boys and is horrible to our eldest in particular.
I was really optimistic on Monday, finally got a meeting with CAHMS for our eldest and OH actually came along, left the meeting feeling positive and hopeful that OH had better understanding of DS1 and how tricky home life is- well this weekend he has decided that DS1 is being terrible (he's not being perfect but not a monster either) and has therefore put some consequences in place- the problem being he didn't give any warnings or tell DS1 at all, just did things like take the batteries out of his toys and delete minecraft of the computer- it totally goes against the routine and rules with have in this house and just make the situation much worse.
To cap it all off I asked him if we could chat about it later and his response was 'no, don't want to chat' I said okay whens good for you 'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'- sorry for such a rant

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 21/09/2014 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeirdCatLady · 21/09/2014 13:08

I think I'd be tempted to say to him that his behaviour isn't right and if he continues like this you'll be asking him to leave. Maybe a short sharp shock of this threat might make him see that his behaviour is very wrong.

Aherdofmims · 21/09/2014 13:09

He ssounds dreadful. If he is not often there he needs to stick to routine.

Still if he would rather not chat he knows where the door is.

farendofafart · 21/09/2014 13:12

Yanbu. He is acting very disrespectfully towards all of you.

And I don't care how stressful or tiring his job is - that's no excuse to treat your loved ones so awfully.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 13:14

Euphemia- he has had a look around for other jobs but nothing locally would pay enough to make ends meet- I am job hunting so hopefully things will get easier.

WeirdCatLady- I don't think it would work, he doesn't respond well to demands. He really doesn't think he has done anything wrong and thinks I am being very mean to him

Aherdofmims- Normally he is better at sticking to a routine, he doesn't seem at all himself but I have no idea why, life is fairly stressful atm but then it always is.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 13:16

Far- I think he is being disrespectful but I don't know how to get him to see that without causing more stress between us.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 13:32

He's being really disrespectful but if you don't challenge it he'll go on doing it. Has something happened work wise which is upsetting him? Is he finding it difficult to adapt when he comes home? These don't excuse him but I'm wondering if they're worth exploring.

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2014 13:39

Bugger the 'stress' he's under.

He's been horrible to the DCs (how old are they?) and I bet they can't wait for him to go away again, which is no way to live.

What's the communication like when he's away? What is the problem with DS? Is it family related?

And what does your OH do when he's away? Where does he stay? Is it this country?

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 13:48

Ilovesooty- I want to challenge it but in a calm grown up way not in an emotional snotty mess sort of way so trying to compose my thoughts and find a good moment. He is stressed about waiting for his contract to be renewed but he knows it is being renewed- just a hold up in admin.

NannyOgg- the dc's are 9 and 4, he phones most nights when he is away (usually during bedtime routine!) Youngest doesn't speak to him at all because he is already asleep and OH can't call any earlier, DS1 chats sometimes but finds it hard to chat on the phone.

DS1 has high levels of anxiety and some behavioural problems, sleeps issues and various other little issues, only at the early stages with CAHMS and don't know the underlying reason,

OH works in Africa, it is mostly office work but with a lot of deadlines and responsibility attached to his role, plus occasional field work,

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 13:52

That must be really hard for you. I hope you find the words to say what you need to and I hope he listens.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 21/09/2014 14:10

It's not hard to see why your poor son has behavioural problems. I bet they would improve if your dh disappeared forever.

The no warnings of punishments is just an excuse to be nasty. Your poor son.

Time to talk things through with huge improvements following or get away from your husband. It's bad enough that your life is shit but a 9 year old is helpless.

Chottie · 21/09/2014 14:15

I couldn't ignore your post, but I really don't know what to say....

It sounds like you are walking on eggshells all the time DH is home. He may have a demanding job, but he is still part of the family. If your DH won't speak to you, can you email or text him instead? You and he need to be together as a parenting team.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 14:24

WalkJump- that's why I feel so frustrated because although OH isn't always hands on and great equally normally he doesn't undermine and act so oddly.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 14:28

Chottie- I have tried letters in the past, I could text him, anything is worth a try. I'm hoping he will wake up soon, I did ask if we could take the boys out for a walk today but if he doesn't get up soon it will be bed/bath etc for the boys.

OP posts:
WineWineWine · 21/09/2014 14:34

'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'
I'm sorry but fuck that!
This has nothing to do with his job or his levels of stress or his tiredness or even his lack of understanding about managing children's behaviour, that is a fundamental insult to you and your relationship and shows a complete lack of respect. Relationships cannot survive without respect.
If that is what he means, then he needs to leave.
If that isn't what he means, then he needs to get a grip and talk.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 14:50

The panicky part of me worries that he wants to leave and is trying to push me away but the rationale part of me thinks I am reading too much into things and I should just let it blow over.

He doesn't seem happy atm and I just wish I could get to the bottom of why before it has any more effect on him or the boys.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2014 15:01

Could he be playing away? Opportunity and the behaviour of pushing you all away and behaving as though you are all terrible...

hamptoncourt · 21/09/2014 15:19

Why do you have to sit around with the boys until he wakes up just in case he deigns to actually spend a bit of time with his family?

Its sounds like you are all walking on eggshells around him and have to treat him like a prince or he sulks.

I agree with PP who have said you might be surprised how much your DS behaviour improves if you get rid of his whiny entitled Dad.

You may be happy to live like this but it's a crap choice you are making for your poor DC.

Ron99 · 21/09/2014 15:29

Sorry but your dh sounds like he wants out of the marriage. You need to protect your self and the dcs

quietbatperson · 21/09/2014 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Explored · 21/09/2014 18:51

Mrs TerryP, I'm glad you said it first because that was the first thing that came to my mind.

I know a very long time ago when I was badly missing someone I shouldn't have been, I was vile when forced to be at home and apart from them for anything more than a few days Blush

MissMalonex2 · 21/09/2014 19:11

My DH was horribly grumpy with kids, uncommunicative and slept all hours from Dec to May this year. In May he had an enormous breakdown. There was no one else involved (no affair), it wasn't anything to do with me or kids, some stress at work - but really just an out of the blue big bout of depression - everyday strains of life, no one big thing. I just thought I'd mention as a lot of what you say about your DH's behaviour sounds reminiscent. Could you ask a more open qu - "is everything ok, you don't seem yourself?" -he might talk more than if you ask a specific qu e.g "why are you doing x?" Maybe he would talk then. Really feel for you - it was hellish for me (and kids) - for us all really!

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 19:26

MissMalonex- I feel that is the most likely situation, I love him and I really don't think he is a bad dad, I just don't think he is coping with life very well at the moment and that is adding a lot of strain to the relationship and family. However having worked with children from split up homes and having seen my brother and his wife split up over not much more than a few months of disagreements I really think it would be far more damaging for the children to walk away from a fixable problem. I feel frustrated this weekend because I am lacking support but I don't always lack support and it would take a lot more than a few bad words to make me wreck a home. I understand leaving when someone is constantly emotionally abusive and I would never judge anyone else's choice but I feel and hope we are a long way off from that.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/09/2014 19:33

taking the batteries out of toys and deleting minecraft off the computer without telling him? Ugh Sad

MissMalonex2 · 21/09/2014 19:35

I completely understand. I've relied a lot of friends and family for support this year but it is draining not being able to share the responsibility of parenting with DH, whilst also trying to support him through a horrible illness. Thankfully he is getting better now, slowly, and we see him more himself than not. This w/e has been a good w/e, the one before not. I think working away from home for 4 week period is a long time, and must put strain on both you and he - and perhaps confusing for your children too. You sound very understanding of him but you need some support I think in RL - do you have a good network around you? I hope he talks to you a bit before he goes but perhaps today just get the kids to bed and then try to get him to do something 'normal' - watch a film together or something