Not sure if this is the right place but aibu to be really annoyed with OH atm and close to tears.

[EnglishRose1320]

Right I will try not to bombard you with info but will try and avoid drip feeding either. OH works away for 4 weeks and is then home for 2, this break he has been awful. I always allow for grumpy/tired behaviour the first few days back, his job is very demanding- but it is much worse than usual and is going on and on- he had a weeks leave this time so has been home for over 2 weeks now and still sleeps till gone lunch every day, doesn't help with the boys and is horrible to our eldest in particular.
I was really optimistic on Monday, finally got a meeting with CAHMS for our eldest and OH actually came along, left the meeting feeling positive and hopeful that OH had better understanding of DS1 and how tricky home life is- well this weekend he has decided that DS1 is being terrible (he's not being perfect but not a monster either) and has therefore put some consequences in place- the problem being he didn't give any warnings or tell DS1 at all, just did things like take the batteries out of his toys and delete minecraft of the computer- it totally goes against the routine and rules with have in this house and just make the situation much worse.
To cap it all off I asked him if we could chat about it later and his response was 'no, don't want to chat' I said okay whens good for you 'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'- sorry for such a rant

Have you thought that your OH's behaviour is what is contributing to your eldest's anxiety and other problems? You mentioned earlier that he is particularly worse with him?

Fortheloveofsocks- It doesn't help it but the anxiety and behaviour problems have been going on for years and I think I can cope with them better than OH, he seems to have less patience each time he comes home from work, he use to be much more understanding.

MissMalonex- yes I have RL support but we have only been living here for a year so these friends are fairly new and I don't like to rely on them too much, I can catch up with other friends on the phone but it's not quite the same thing.

He helped with bath time this evening and seems more relaxed than he has been for a few days so hopefully he realised he over stepped the mark

'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'
Is what jumped out at me too

Leaving aside the parenting and family life, first things first. What did he mean by that exactly, what did you say to him?

Can you tell us about his living circumstances when he's away? a hotel room, shared apartment or on his own?

I do think it's difficult for couples when it's a week or two or a month away and then back. It can cause ructions with parenting and within the relationship, but something's going on here and you need to work out what it is.

Enrique- when away he is on a contained site, he has a portable cabin office and a concrete room/hut/cabin ish thing for his bedroom, there is a dining hall, gym and bar for everyone to use.

Apparently he meant he didn't want to discuss that particular issue again- he was a bit calmer last night and helped out a bit but it was the lull before the storm, today has been awful and we had a huge row and yet again he has said another horrible line to me- the argument build up from nothing much and got to the point when I said I wanted to get to the bottom of the problems and work as a family unit and I wasn't going to give up and walk away and he said 'I'll have to find another way to get you outr of my house then'

Grrr very frustrated right now, he isn't the man I know right now

If you do feel mis malone may be right, one piece of advice i heard was to ask when you were doing something else and not face to face, so driving the car, walking along side by side etc.

I'll have to find another way to get you outr of my house then

Really?

Fuck me.

When does he go back to work?

Is he your partner or husband? If the former I would go and get a free 30mins with a solicitor to find out where you stand if you do split up as it sounds as though he's going to demand you leave the house. It would be handy knowing your rights as the primary carer of your children in that instance.

Oh dear. I already thought OW. And after your latest update it has confirmed my suspicions. Has it confirmed anything for you?
What he said is just awful.
Can you get away for a few days.
I'd be obliging and getting out and finding a solicitor. No way would my OH speak to me like that in my house and treat me this badly without some sort of consequences.

So sorry OP but be prepared.

I suggest you find out about your rights, consulting a solicitor for a free initial consultation would be helpful. For a start if you are married he doesn't get the house- especially as you have children.

1. Some of your son's issues may be caused / made worse by OH's attitude.
2. If his behaviour has got worse - I would seriously consider a OW
3. He may be picking up cultural attitudes from where he works, and not realise his expectations are inappropriate for the UK
4. Are things easier when he isn't there?
5. What positive does he add to the family?

I would consider all 5 of those points, and not just cherry pick - point 3 is not an excuse.

has been home for over 2 weeks now and still sleeps till gone lunch every day, doesn't help with the boys and is horrible to our eldest in particular.
What? why are you allowing this? nobody has the right to be horrible to your DC, and much less to one in particular. :(

'ideally not chatting to you again would be good' - he said AGAIN.
not 'on this subject' that's gaslighting right there.

I'll have to find another way to get you out of my house then

Well that, surely, is a last straw. Who the hell hears that and doesn't tell him to FTFO?

You need to tell him that as of RIGHT NOW, he pulls his weight, gets up when required, takes the slack and treats everyone under that roof with respect, or he doesn't bother to come back again.

Who taught you that you have to stick with this, watch your children be belittled and worn down? my love, admit to yourself that when he's not there, life is better. you need to tell him that HE needs to get out of YOUR home.

call a solicitor and understand your rights. today. the chances are very high that your relationship won't make it, and with the revolting way he's being toward you and his DC, the sooner the better. Be prepared.

there would be no way back from the 'get you out of my house' comment for me. I'd never ever forget it.

Sorry he's treating you so badly.Lots of advice from others and from me.

Interesting that he sees it has HIS house and not yours despite you spending far more time there. It is your home.

He is an arse and likely a cheating one at that.

Get a solicitor asap.

My DH was in the Navy and so away a lot....as others have said, it can cause a lot of tension when the absent partner returns.

What you are describing goes way beyond this. Does he have any redeeming features? What is your relationship with him like? Do you want to be with him - and from what you say, it sounds as though an OW is a possibility. I woud get legal advice so you know where you are.

When I asked about his living circumstances overseas I was wondering if he'd actually made another 'home' for himself and mentally checked out so that his life is over there now. I admit I did wonder if he has an OW there too.

I'm not dismissing how he's been to the DC or his lack of input around the home, but it seems to make sense to work out first what's going on between the two of you OP.

At first I wondered if he may have employment or health issues that he's keeping to himself and pushing you away is part of his coping strategy, but now with the latest update he's sounding more like he's mentally checked out of the relationship.

I didn't like his first comment at all, the not chatting to you but OK, one slip of the tongue and you might believe it came out wrong and he actually meant please drop this topic for now, but his latest about getting you out of his house is pretty unforgivable.

I feel for you OP because you say this is not the man you know and you must feel poleaxed. Please stick around for some support here, whether you need to vent, cry on someone's shoulder, or, get constructive advice about your position

Sorry things are so tough for you

I agree with others - once he goes back (hopefully for you that's soon?) Speak to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand - even if you don't do anything yet.

You mention you are looking for work? Are you looking for a particular type of work? If so can you maybe look at other options as well to increase your chances? That way you would at least have your own income. Also look into what benefits you would be entitled to if you were alone - no shame in claiming should you need to.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to be there anymore The comments to you and the dwindling patience with your eldest son speak volumes.

Start making it possible to go if you want to and I'd be telling him to sort it out or go x

Thanks for all the support and advice.

I confronted him and told him that he was emotionally abusing me and I was sick of it- he seemed really surprised- I told him all the things he has said to me over the last few weeks and he was horrified- some he remembers and was sorry for, a lot he didn't even realise he was saying he was in such a shit mood which he has admitted. Not out of the woods yet but heading in the right direction.

He has just found out that he is working from home for the next month due to the health risks of going back to work at the moment- this could go either way, it could be good to have some more time together or it could really push us to breaking point.

He has gone to see his dad for a night, I am hoping that he can chat works fears with his dad who works in a similar environment.

He also sat down and explained his consequence system with our eldest son and even let our eldest son have a say in what he thought was acceptable or not, so between us we have agreed on one discipline system that we are all going to stick to.

PumpkinPie- I am looking for any work that fits around the children.

I am sure that I come across as a bit of a wet blanket and I know I could stand up to him a bit more but I love him and I love my boys and most of the time we do work as a very happy family unit. I am not a total fool though and if his behaviour continues and considerably affects our children's happiness then I would look into changing the situation.

Have you challenged him on the 'Then I'll have to find another way to get you out of my house then?'

Do not let him lie in bed until all hours. He has caught up now and should be getting up to start the day with the rest of his family and have some quality time with you.
It's going to be very difficult for your son to respect his fathers consequences if he is in bed like a petulant teenager and showing little involvement in family life.....

Chipping- He claims it was said in the heat the moment and recognises that he really shouldn't have said it. Still not ideal, I wish he hadn't said it at all but I am prepared to move on, if it doesn't keep happening.

Wanna- I would love for him to get up in the mornings but I have no idea how to wake him up and keep him awake, I am running around getting the boys ready I can't get him sorted as well.

You don't need to 'get him sorted' surely. I would just wake him up as I am awake, start talking to him and make plans for the day.
Failing that as you are in from school run get him up. What a waste of life.....

I try that, mostly it just makes him irritable, sometimes he gets up and helps out.

it's quite simple really English you get up, you say 'get yourself up now and do your share of the work here, or you'll be getting yourself out of MY home. how'd you like THEM apples?'

Most decent dads, away from their kids would jump at the chance to take their kids to school!

from now on, get them ready and then HE takes them to school while YOU have a bit of a break, or choose to get on with something else.

sleeping till noon will not happen again unless YOU get your chance to have AS many lie ins as he has had since he's back.

what a waste of flesh he really is.

He's home for a month and all of a sudden he's being lovely

Don't accept crumbs ask for the whole bloody loaf

is this for real? HELPS OUT? does he 'babysit' his own kids much

why do you allow this to happen to your life? why give this man so mach space to completely destroy your life by absolving himself of everything in it?

it's not good enough. not by a very long shot.

Hello OP,

Read through most of the posts (although stupid phone often misses most out!!).
Has your husband always been like this or is it recent change in behaviour? I am going against the grain here but could he be suffering with depression-sleeping a lot, mood swings etc. may be symptoms? I'm not excusing his behaviour but is it worth him seeing his GP?
I know when I was younger and my dad worked away he was bloody miserable as he was in a different country, without his family and he missed us terribly.
It's just a thought x