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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if this is the right place but aibu to be really annoyed with OH atm and close to tears.

102 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 21/09/2014 13:01

Right I will try not to bombard you with info but will try and avoid drip feeding either. OH works away for 4 weeks and is then home for 2, this break he has been awful. I always allow for grumpy/tired behaviour the first few days back, his job is very demanding- but it is much worse than usual and is going on and on- he had a weeks leave this time so has been home for over 2 weeks now and still sleeps till gone lunch every day, doesn't help with the boys and is horrible to our eldest in particular.
I was really optimistic on Monday, finally got a meeting with CAHMS for our eldest and OH actually came along, left the meeting feeling positive and hopeful that OH had better understanding of DS1 and how tricky home life is- well this weekend he has decided that DS1 is being terrible (he's not being perfect but not a monster either) and has therefore put some consequences in place- the problem being he didn't give any warnings or tell DS1 at all, just did things like take the batteries out of his toys and delete minecraft of the computer- it totally goes against the routine and rules with have in this house and just make the situation much worse.
To cap it all off I asked him if we could chat about it later and his response was 'no, don't want to chat' I said okay whens good for you 'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'- sorry for such a rant

OP posts:

maddening · 24/09/2014 19:09

And then have the important chat in the morning

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 24/09/2014 19:14

He is in such a rubbish sleep cycle that if he went to bed early he would sleep for a few hours, then get up in the middle of the night and doze off just before we got up- he does that quite often as it is. Normally when his sleep gets this bad he tries to bring it back by half an hour a night till it is at a more reasonable time, he was up just before midday yesterday and I imagine his dad made him get up to work quite early today so hopefully it is going in the right direction again, I doubt it will ever be early enough for the school run- he came with us on the first of term because DS2 was starting school but I think that will remain a one off.

OP posts:

Scarletohello · 24/09/2014 19:20

If he's just doing 'office work', why can't he do that closer to home..?

wannabestressfree · 24/09/2014 19:41

English you are being an apologist for his poor behaviour. I have severe pain and take enough medication to sedate an African elephant. I always get up with my boys. Without fail.
Instead of 'suggesting' aka pussyfooting around him it might be prudent to suggest he has the weekend to lie in but not the week. He is not fully involved if he is getting up at midday.....

MrsAmaretto · 24/09/2014 20:04

For goodness sake, he's taking the piss. My OH works offshore & even if he's worked 2 weeks of nights he does the next days school run. He has a couple of lazy days at home (when we are at work etc.) then gets cracked on with normal life (DIY, washing, cooking etc) He fits into OUR routine as that is the routine of Home and he is home now.

How many years had this nonsense been going on? If he's so stressed it's affecting his behaviour he needs to go to the doctor, put measures in place to sort it or fuck off. Get yourself to a solicitor next time he's away. Are you really okay with you & your kids life being shit when this selfish git is home?

MrsAmaretto · 24/09/2014 20:05

Sorry, that sounded very mean, but I've never heard such nonsense from any of the other families who have similar work patterns. He's using his job as an excuse to opt out of family life.

NanFucker · 24/09/2014 20:26

Sorry to 'pile on' but I'm reading your posts like this

My dh works away for 5 days a week once or twice a month. We have 2dd 1 is his step daughter. When he is home (still working but only 30mins from house) he takes kids to school and picks up, gets them up dressed and washed. Does breakfasts, makes packed lunches, does all dinners when gets back. Feeds our animals. Does all washing/drying of clothes.

I do hair washing/drying, homework, shopping. I also work full time. Because I have to do everything when he is away he expects to do everything when he is here. That's fairly normal I would think?

And please do not let him bully your son :(

Mrsstarlord · 24/09/2014 20:43

EnglishRose - i feel for you, your dh sounds similar to mine. He really struggles with the transition between feeling totally apart from the family and having no role and then slipping back into it again and finding his place. This happens every time he is on nights or has to go away for work.

Also stays in bed till really late, doesn't help out with the kids as much as he could, doesn't play with them etc, has mood swings at times etc etc

Just wanted to say that actually it can work, we find a way through it although it can be difficult at times. Because in spite of all of this ^ he is actually kind, funny, caring, loving, clever, vulnerable, brave, creative (I could go on!) I know that you are being bombarded with people telling you how abusive he is, how great the division of labour is in their house, LTB etc but you can find your way if you want to. Sounds like he is aware that he has been out of order which is a good start - good luck xx

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 25/09/2014 01:03

Thanks for the replies, will write back tomorrow, have only just got DS1 settled so feeling better zonked atm

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2014 01:34

Just wanted to say that actually it can work, we find a way through it although it can be difficult at times.

Would that be by you accepting that he's 'just that way', and you cracking on and doing most things and leaving him to do what he feels like doing?

After all, you have to do it when he's not there, so you might as well carry on when he is.

Yes?

NanFucker · 25/09/2014 11:31

Nannyogg - exactly. People who also live with a manchild have a vested interest in saying it's not that bad

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 26/09/2014 09:24

Mrsstarlord- I know it can and does work and whilst I am happy to accommodate his lifestyle to a certain extent it can not be at the expense of mine or my children's happiness. I am happy for him to go off travelling now and again, I am happy for him to have a lie in at the weekend, I am not an ogre of a girlfriend who expects him at my beck and call but it would be nice if he was a bit more responsive.

He has been making more effort the last few days, came to parents evening, cooked dinner last night and various little things. I don't expect him to be a domestic goddess, that's not the man I dated and you can't and shouldn't ever try or expect to change someone. I always knew I would do the bulk of the stuff around the house and I am fine with doing that if I have the emotional support needed.

OP posts:

IndiaKnightGarden · 26/09/2014 09:35

Two things:

If he's just doing office based work, why does he have to be in Africa to do it? Surely he can get a similar job closer to home.

I'd be keeping my eyes and ears open for signs of an OW if I were you. Sounds like he's completely disengaged from your family.

IndiaKnightGarden · 26/09/2014 09:39

Interesting that you use words like 'girlfriend' and 'dating' in your last post OP.

Those are quite flimsy words to describe what should be a committed relationship. If you have children and a home together you're way beyond being boyfriend and girlfriend. And you're certainly not dating any more.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/09/2014 09:43

English
Can I just raise another possibility to explain some of his reaction to the children. Only you know if its realistic.
Every year DH takes the DC to visit his family abroad for a month or so and I only go for a week -10 days. This means I get 3 weeks of time by myself. When DH and the DC come back I am delighted to see them but find it really hard to cope with the noise and chaos of two lively children (7 and 11) because I have got used to the peace and quiet. For the first week or two I am a lot less tolerant of their noise (i.e. grumpy) and often sneak off to the bedroom for some quiet. I do adjust back and learn to zone out the craziness after a while.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 26/09/2014 14:39

India- he works on mine sites- hence having to be in Africa, he is looking for jobs over here but the pay cut would make our mortgage quick tricky to keep up with, he has an interview in this country next week.
India- the dated was past tense referring to when I meet him, the girlfriend is simply because I have never liked the term 'partner' for no real reason and he is not my husband so I never know what to write.

I know lots of people keep mentioning OW but I am really not concerned about that, hard to explain exactly why but I don't think it is something to worry about.

Chaz- that makes a lot of sense, even when I have only had a day off from the boys are am always amazed by how noisy they are.

The next month is going to be a big challenge- too dangerous to fly out to work due to the ebola situation so he will be working from home for a month, which will be stressful because there is a lot less he can do from home but he will still be expected to do the same amount and from 7 till 7 each day I will have to try and keep the children quiet.

OP posts:

SpanishFly · 26/09/2014 15:26

Expecting the children to "keep quiet" for 12 hours is unreasonable and you're setting yourself up for a huge fallout.

I work from home and have to accept that there will be a certain amount of noise whether I like it or not. They're kids fgs, they're not meant to be quiet for 12 hours.

quietbatperson · 26/09/2014 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpanishFly · 26/09/2014 16:54

Or starbucks.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 26/09/2014 18:38

local library is only open for a few hours at the weekend I think.

He doesn't expect them to be silent, but I do have to put a bit more work in to make sure they are not too wild. DS1 is having a friend over tomorrow and OH is perfectly happy with that, knows that they will keep each other busy

OP posts:

SpanishFly · 26/09/2014 20:03

That's good. It sounds like things are settling down for u.

Mrsstarlord · 26/09/2014 20:33

NannyOgg and NanFucker

Not at all, I accept that he isn't perfect, just as he accepts that I'm not. If I ever feel that i am being taken advantage of or it is affecting the kids I talk to him in an adult to adult way and we rebalance everything.

All families find their own way and just because someone else's roles and routines don't match yours it doesn't mean that there is a need for amateur psychology and analysis. Out of three siblings in our family each one has a different relationship set up - none is right or wrong and we have all learned to understand that whether we like it or not it works for them and is none of our business.

I just felt that the OP was getting lots of very extreme responses when she was clearly saying I still love him, things are improving.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 26/09/2014 20:53

Thanks MrsStarlord- that's what I took your reply to mean, not roll over and let him do what he wants but that compromise can work.

Yes SpanishFly things seem a bit calmer.

We have had worse times before and I am sure we will have bad times again, relationships have to be worked at all the time and I plan on keeping going with this one.

OP posts:

SpanishFly · 26/09/2014 22:10

I hope you don't think we're being smug. Believe me dh and I have had some dreadful times

BiscuitMillionaire · 26/09/2014 22:33

OP, you mentioned that your OH was clearing out his mum's house. I was wondering, has she died?

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