Not sure if this is the right place but aibu to be really annoyed with OH atm and close to tears.

[EnglishRose1320]

Right I will try not to bombard you with info but will try and avoid drip feeding either. OH works away for 4 weeks and is then home for 2, this break he has been awful. I always allow for grumpy/tired behaviour the first few days back, his job is very demanding- but it is much worse than usual and is going on and on- he had a weeks leave this time so has been home for over 2 weeks now and still sleeps till gone lunch every day, doesn't help with the boys and is horrible to our eldest in particular.
I was really optimistic on Monday, finally got a meeting with CAHMS for our eldest and OH actually came along, left the meeting feeling positive and hopeful that OH had better understanding of DS1 and how tricky home life is- well this weekend he has decided that DS1 is being terrible (he's not being perfect but not a monster either) and has therefore put some consequences in place- the problem being he didn't give any warnings or tell DS1 at all, just did things like take the batteries out of his toys and delete minecraft of the computer- it totally goes against the routine and rules with have in this house and just make the situation much worse.
To cap it all off I asked him if we could chat about it later and his response was 'no, don't want to chat' I said okay whens good for you 'ideally not chatting to you again would be good'- sorry for such a rant

UpUpAndAway123- I tried to mention that I thought he seemed down and that it might be worth going to see a doctor but he says that he is just stressed regarding work and that he will be fine

I would give him an ultimatum. Counselling as a couple or he leaves.
Hopefully this would make him wake up and realise he HAS to talk with you otherwise you'll leave as his behaviour isn't acceptable and it's damaging to your dc's.

Whether he's fine isn't the only problem - it's you and the dc's. So even if he thinks he'll be fine, he needs to stop being so selfish and realise he's affecting all of you.

Hope today is better OP.
If DH is still in bed, then why not get on with your day as if he's not there? Arrange to meet friends, go for a coffee, anything, just to carry on. Your DH can then decide to join in or stay in bed, but he will know that staying in bed won't hold you back.

What doubtfuldaphne said. With bells on. Don't underestimate how important your happiness is OP, for you and your DC.

Frances- he stayed at his dads last night so I don't have to worry about him getting up this morning, but normally I do just get on with my day when he is asleep.

Doubt and Schaufensteruppe- I know my happiness is important but I know I would be much unhappier if I was on my own- I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He is meant to be back this evening, I put my back out yesterday and am really struggling, I have asked him to get back in time to help with swimming lessons tonight because I don't think I can do it on my own tonight so we shall see whether he gets back in time or not.

He should be wanting to do these things when he works away so often, not seeing his dc and not even talking to the youngest on the phone.
He is treating you all terribly.

How much time realistically do other people's OH/DH etc spend with you and your DC? Out of interest

He is meant to be back this evening, I put my back out yesterday and am really struggling, I have asked him to get back in time to help with swimming lessons tonight because I don't think I can do it on my own tonight so we shall see whether he gets back in time or not

Why the bloody hell isn't he back now??

How thoughtless and unkind can you be?

How much time realistically do other people's OH/DH etc spend with you and your DC? Out of interest

Going back in time when my DC were young, my DH worked away, Firstly just 2/3 in the week then when they were much older for a week/fortnight at a time.

When back he was home, Fully engaged and a co-parent/partner. I wouldn't have stood for less. He would have been told not to bother coming home.

asked him to get back in time to help with swimming lessons tonight

"asked"? "help"?

Um, if my DH worked away he would WANT to do the lessons. And if he didnt want to, tough luck.

PS My DH does half of the "stuff", and spends as much time as I do with the kids. I (and he) wouldnt expect anything different.

NannyOgg- to be fair to my OH when my back went yesterday he offered to cancel going down to meet his dad but they are clearing out his mums house and I knew they had arranged to meet tradesmen to get the work done so I told him to still go.
I'm glad to hear that your DH was fully involved when at home, sometimes I wonder if I am expecting too much but I don't think I am really.
Apart from bedtimes which we have agreed he can't do on a school night because it upsets the routine too much I would love him to be involved with everything else. I would love to be able to have a lie in just once- I know that whatever my back is like tomorrow if I don't get up to do the school run, no one will! He will help with breakfast and the like if he can see I am in pain but he wont leave the house that early in the morning.
I am trying not to dwell too much on his faults though, I don't want to do him down, he steps up when I am least expecting it, however sometimes I think I would just like an average amount of support all the time instead of big gestures now and again, if that makes any sense.

He use to take them to swimming when they first started SpanishFly- I just feel the longer he works out in Africa the more his attitudes change.

He seems to be reverting to some old fashioned man who believes that children should be seen and not heard/ that he is the head of the house and what he says goes and I just don't know where this attitude comes from.

After our youngest was born the effects of my c section took weeks to wear off and I couldn't feel my legs apart from a tingling so after every feed my OH would take our DS and walk him around/winding him etc until he was settled, no matter what time of day and night- even if he had work in a few hours. He would spend hours at the weekend playing Lego with our eldest son and going on family days out. He's always struggled with getting up in the morning and needing things a set way but it didn't matter because when he was up he was caring and affectionate.

My dh leaves the house at 8:15, home at 18:15.
He will help in the morning wuth getting breakfast, packing lunch, getting dressed, doing hair.
I don't need this help as I naturally wake earlier than him and don't leave for work til later but if he notices I haven't started on something then he will.

We have dinner as he comes in, sitting at the table together where we will all chat.
He washes up, sometimes before kicking a ball about with ds (7), sometimes after.

One of us will chat to ds as he baths the other will be chatting to dd (11) while doing a quick tidy round.

One of us will put ds to bed, with a story, the other perhaps on ipad/watching the news.

Weekends are spent with dss here, mostly all weekend, one lay in each, he will cook, go swimming/cinema/park/play.

If I am ill, he does everything, no questions asked, and vice versa.

Whereisegg- I would love to have him helping like that, I really don't expect him to do much, more than anything I would just like his company more.

I wasn't intending to make you feel bad, or look like I'm showing off.

You are not getting a good deal with this man, by any stretch.
If he slept til lunchtime and then didn't let you lift a finger that would be different, as it stands, you get to do everything and be spoken to like shit along the way.

It doesn't have to be like that

He's a lodger, not a partner.

You are not asking/expecting nearly enough.

Don't worry you didn't make me feel bad.

Mostly I am very happy with my lot, I don't expect loads, but now and again it gets a little too much and I could just do with a hand.

It's a very strange attitude that some men have- that the wife/woman does everything.

It's different goalposts if you dont work and he lives at home, but in your situation you're expected to do EVERYTHING - whether he is working away or has leave. Not acceptable, in any way.

Me and DH have other issues/niggles, but I wouldnt put up with being treated like a doormat.

No matter if it was said in stress but I wouldn't be able to get past the "I'll have to find another way to get you out of my house" comment. What type of loving partner ever says this unless they mean it, no matter how stressed?

This is what my DH does but I do have a long term health problem so even though he works and I don't he possibly does more than others.

He gets up at 6.30 every week day for work so the DCs get up and he gets their breakfast and does part of the pack lunches when they are needed. He does their shower/baths twice a week, I do the other after their swimming. He plays with them in the evenings sometimes. He either does bedtime or helps out with it. Sometimes he takes DC1 to their swimming lesson if I am not up to it. He also takes DC1 to their weekly sport but this is something he does himself now any way. He gets up with them at weekends and he will take them for a walk sometimes. If he is off work then he will take/pick them up from school as he rarely gets the chance to. He isn't perfect, he will rarely get them dressed unless I specifically say and lay their clothes out. He never does DDS hair unless I say. Usually weekend mornings he goes to sleep on the sofa so even if we are going out I still have to get me and the kids ready before we go and give him instructions on what to do. But he is a hands on dad.

EnglishRose I know some other people have mentioned him seeing a GP but it might be worth him having a blood test. My husband has (mild) hypothyroidism but just before he was diagnosed he was not pleasant to be around either. Constantly tired, snappy etc. He just kept putting it down to stress at work. It was only when I made him have the blood test that they found the hyperthyroidism and even then it was only just outside the normal range. But gosh the difference with medication. He really is so much nicer to be around.

CatandDog- It might be worth looking into, I know he had a full medical when he started this job 3 years ago but he hasn't seen a doctor since then.

What's the best way to try and have a sensible not screamy/emotional chat about issues that need sorting out- we never seem to get a chance just to sit and chat atm. He isn't home yet and I imagine by the time he gets home I will be too tired to chat and then when I am up and have energy (well a bit more than none but not a lot!) he will be asleep or working.

I really want to find solutions to these niggles, I am sure everything is still workable.

Will try and chat things through with him if I get a chance, however right now I am in agony and need to try and get DS1 to settle before midnight. Oh the joys!

Tell him to get an early night so he can get up and get the dc breakfast and get them to school.