How "hands on" is your kid's dad?

[lbsjob87]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a straw poll but I wonder if I expect too much from my OH in terms of what he should do with the kids.
We have a DD, 5, and a DS, 3 months.
DH works shifts so only has one weekend off a month, but time off in the week, obviously.
I am not very well at the mo, so yesterday wasn't well enough to take DS to baby massage at the children's centre, which I've done for the last 3 weeks.

I suggested DH take him - he had the day off and no plans - I had a migraine and TBH, needed a break. He said it wasn't his sort of thing so I accepted that, as it's not everyone's.

Then today my DD is going to Chessington with the Rainbows - a last minute parent place came up, and I wanted one of us to go as she is quite new and she's never been anywhere that big without us before. As I'm not feeling great, I suggested OH go. He said "No, you go. I'll stay here with the baby."

I said: "Ok. Have you two got plans then?" He said: "No. Might take him to my mums or something." Which means his mum will take the baby off his hands for a few hours.

So now neither of us are going, which isn't a major issue, but I would have thought he would jump at the chance to spend a day with her.

He has never taken her swimming, to the cinema, the theatre etc without me there. They've been to the park together twice, both times when I was at work.

He does play on the Wii with her sometimes, and they watch telly together, but not kids shows, things like Storage Hunters or cooking shows.

But then, he's a good dad, she adores him, and she doesn't miss out as I do those sort of things with her so I wonder if I'm a bit harsh expecting him to do things just because I do.
Or is taking your child out for the day all part of being a parent?

What's the general consensus?

Why is neither of you going?

Why are even

My DH compresses his hours so he can spend a whole day with DS every week, even though this means he works ridiculously long days.

At weekends he does bath times as he doesn't get to during the week except on his day off. We also give each other a few hours of non-kiddy time.

He takes DS to the park, zoo, toddler class etc almost every day he's not working.

We split cooking, tidying, playing, nappies, shopping, early rises pretty evenly (I work p/t).

He's a good dad.

And a fantastic husband!

I have a chest infection (and still getting over yesterday's migraine). He, apparently, can't be arsed.
I would love to have gone, but it's a long day with no real chance of rest.
DD is still going (he's just left to take her to the coach actually).

Also confused as to why you aren't going and him taking kid to his mum's? Yes it won't win him parent of the year, but it's hardly neglect.

My DH does loads, what you might call all the traditional mum stuff, as well as working f/t. I do my bit and I did do baby massage classes and some school trips, but DH did more and I can understand your DH saying it's not his thing. These are extras, not essentials, and it's nice that you want to do them, but it's not bad that he doesn't, as long as he pulls his weight in other ways. I do what I'm better at with my DC and it sounds like he does too.

Surely the point of two parents is that you do different things, not the same? Apart from being consistent across education, health, behaviour etc. But the fun stuff and 'how to be in the world', a variety is surely better?

He is not a good dad if he does not do anything with the kids.

My husband is very much the same. He will sit in a room with almost 2 year old dd and not speak to her. All he ever says is "hiya" to her. I encourage him to chat to her but he says he cant and he doesnt know what to say to her!

Hes never taken her to the park or out by himself. Hes very distant with her and i feel very sorry for dd as shes going to grow up with a father who shes never does anything with just like i did.

However there is an issue were it is thought that dh does have some sort of special needs which hasnt been confirmed what yet.

My DH does everything with the children I do. Parks, museums, children's parties, he came to baby classes on his day off when they were at that stage.

He feeds them, and gets them ready for the day when I'm not there. He can even do a mean pony tail.

He takes the children on wonderful day trips without me and has even organised play dates with other dads.

My DH is lovely but tbh most of my friend's DH's do the same.

My DH is very hands on he takes DS1 to football, karate etc and loves spending time with all of the children. However he would probably skip the baby massage and outing with Rainbows (I know I'm generalising but it would probably just be mums going).

I think its a bit harsh expecting him to do the things that you do with him but that doesn't mean that he cannot do other things with her and its a bit sad that he has only taken her to the park twice in 4 / 5 years and hasn't taken her swimming. He could find things that they both enjoy doing and do it together. There is nothing wrong with watching non kids shows together so long as they are watching together.

Hit and miss here

Dc are 1, 5 and 6

Dp much more hands on with older two

Some days he's fantastic
Others useless

Sounds similar to my dh. He would never dream of going on a school (or other) trip. He has never been to a parents evening but has been to two school concerts and two sports days (with me, he wouldn't go without me). He also watches tv with ds3 whilst on his laptop. However we are, supposedly, the minority on Mumsnet. Most Mumsnetters have very hands on partners.

PS: I love my DC, but Chessington with a gaggle of other kids would be my idea of hell. The fact that you would love it just shows the gulf in tastes. And your DC would have had fun anyway, so I don't see it as big failing that he 'couldn't be arsed' to go. Would he have gone to a hospital appointment with her? That's what matters.

Dh is now a sahd, he has done baby massage, parent and baby swimming, play groups, park most days, toys every day, books every day, music every day. When we first got together he would take my dd ( his dsd) to the park a couple of times a week on the way home from school. Play board games. Spelling tests. Volunteer reader at her school. Cinema. Cook tea for her and her friends. Wii games. He would attend her sports days, parent evenings and school recitals/plays, especially if I had work commitments. that's one of the things I love about him.

My Dh takes him out to a play place every Saturday morning while I lie in. Every evening when he gets home he takes over playing (usually brio, cars garages or building duplo together) while I finish up dinner. He builds him stuff (eg he built a marble run out of empty kitchen roll tubes etc), they go to the parkand feed the ducks, museums etc. and we all do things together too. often he does different games and takes him to different places than I would have though of which is great because I'm a SAHM so I'm sure igrt boring.

It was harder when my son was very small as he was a massive boob barnacle but he'd still rock him to sleep, take him out in the carrier so I could sleep. I used to have a bad habit of micro managing which kind of stopped him finding his own way of doing things but we're over that now and my DH is just as capable if looking after our DS as me.

Also, he won't go to his mum's now I haven't gone. That was his back up plan if I went out all day.
He won't go anywhere now.

My DH does a fair bit with the kids. He takes them on long walks, to the park, to the seaside etc. He reads stories and plays games with them.
At least once a month he takes them out on a weekend so I can have some time alone.
He will try and avoid taking them to parties unless it's the child of one of our friends and he is a bit reluctant to do school stuff. I am away next week on the day the school does the Macmillan coffee morning, I don't think he will bother going.

My dh works full time but always devotes the rest of his time to our family. We have one dd and he adores spending time with her, they regularly have special daddy-daughter days out or overnight road trips to places. A recent example would be, we are on holiday at the moment and only have one tv, there was football on a couple of nights ago which he'd had mentioned to me (not told dd) that he was looking forward to watching. Dd mentioned she fancied watching a dvd. Personally if it was me I'd've said maybe after the footie (I was upstairs reading a book) but he automatically snuggled on the sofa with goodies to eat and happily sat through the film. All because it made dd happy.

Your dh sounds a bit lazy, or maybe he is scared about being in sole charge. Have you asked him why he does this?

Come to think of it he was a bit embarrassed to take my son to singing at the library because he thought he'd be the only dad there but was fine with it when he realized he wasn't.

My dp wasn't so good when ds was a baby, found it hard to do baby talk/ play. But since he started walking dp has took him swimming to the park , cinema. Plus groups at the sure start centre.

He is 3 now and every weekend they go somewhere together. Museum, park, playcentre. It gives me a break and I get on with jobs around the house that I find difficult to do with ds there.

Could you not say dd asked would daddy take her to the park this weekend?

Do you think dh is lazy or not very confident with the children on his own?

My DH is hit and miss. He does take them swimming and younger DD to the park though. But he never reads to them or does homework.

Suggest that they go out for lunch on a date that the kid picks and buy you some flowers from a flowers shop (like the ones which you pick individually and are about fifty p) and then have a family slob out on sofa when they come back. Then you get a couple of hours break and don't have to worry about lunch for both and you can have soup or something and then you at giving him ideas. He might just struggle with what to do.

Have to admit baby massage and accompanying school trips, even rainbows would not be my cup of tea. I would do Chessington if I was really needed but would rather go myself with DC than with a group. Maybe he needs to find his own interests with his children.

I have helped out with a cub group, it's pretty full on, but chessington is fun and adult helpers get to go on the rides! What things does your dh enjoy doing? (Music, reading, sport) could he do that with her?

the OP is getting a bit of a hard time for not going on the trip. I wouldn't want to go on a day out if I was sick either.

My dh is very hands on with some things but there are some things he wouldn't do, which I'm fine with. He was great with nappy changes etc, great at spending time with the dc and interacting with them. Will happily take them to a playground or whatever.

But he would rather stick pins in his eyes than eg take them to a soft play place or go to a mums and tots group (not least because he would hate being the only man, and he is very quiet and doesn't like chatting to pass the time).

My DH works shifts too including weekends. When he is off he does all sorts with the DC's. This includes feeding/dressing/house cleaning/laundry and he does all kinds of activities. The only time I do the lions share is when he is at work, when he's home he does the majority of kids stuff. Once a month he also spend 1 day with each child doing an activity of their choice and having quality 1-1 time.

DH sadly missed out on spending this time with his older children (whole other thread!) in the early years and didn't want to miss a second with our DC's.