How "hands on" is your kid's dad?

[lbsjob87]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a straw poll but I wonder if I expect too much from my OH in terms of what he should do with the kids.
We have a DD, 5, and a DS, 3 months.
DH works shifts so only has one weekend off a month, but time off in the week, obviously.
I am not very well at the mo, so yesterday wasn't well enough to take DS to baby massage at the children's centre, which I've done for the last 3 weeks.

I suggested DH take him - he had the day off and no plans - I had a migraine and TBH, needed a break. He said it wasn't his sort of thing so I accepted that, as it's not everyone's.

Then today my DD is going to Chessington with the Rainbows - a last minute parent place came up, and I wanted one of us to go as she is quite new and she's never been anywhere that big without us before. As I'm not feeling great, I suggested OH go. He said "No, you go. I'll stay here with the baby."

I said: "Ok. Have you two got plans then?" He said: "No. Might take him to my mums or something." Which means his mum will take the baby off his hands for a few hours.

So now neither of us are going, which isn't a major issue, but I would have thought he would jump at the chance to spend a day with her.

He has never taken her swimming, to the cinema, the theatre etc without me there. They've been to the park together twice, both times when I was at work.

He does play on the Wii with her sometimes, and they watch telly together, but not kids shows, things like Storage Hunters or cooking shows.

But then, he's a good dad, she adores him, and she doesn't miss out as I do those sort of things with her so I wonder if I'm a bit harsh expecting him to do things just because I do.
Or is taking your child out for the day all part of being a parent?

What's the general consensus?

he does feck al if im honest he gave me this big song and dance recently because he has got a job and thinks he is missing out on the kids growing up etc etc so he changed a few nappies then i asked him to do a few things and he sniped at me how do you manage when im not around? well personally i manage just fine i just thought he should help as he has had three days off in a row and he has been whining he is missing out on the kids so why does he not help with the kids? he has sat on his ass for three days and watched DVDs on his DVD player (a mini one) he has also decided to go on youtube and laugh at video clips while im dealing with meltdowns of epic proportions he claimed to have "helped me" by moving the living room around in reality he moved the sofa threw a load of crap onto one and slept on the other for two/three hours while i sorted out the crap so i could sit down i sat down for five minutes and he woke up and began asking me to get him stuff

now his big idea is i buy and sell stuff so he can give up his job

he makes more mess than the kids too

My dh does everything I do, (except get up in the night - I have just finished bfing dd2 - aged 26 months) plus he cooks dinner most nights. I think the dinners and the lack of sleep balance out. I am not a good cook.

What does he do to help with?

My DH is amazing, he does loads at the weekends when he isn't working, right now he has taken ds1 to drama and is taking ds2 and DD to soft play while he waits and then will pick DS1 up and bring them all home. Then make their dinner.

I am a lazy weekend mama! It tends to go that I do everything with the kids in the week, and I organise all that needs to be organised, birthday parties, presents, kids activities etc, then when DH is around he takes over the practical stuff like bath and bedtime, but I still have the general overview of what is going on (so he will say to me, do I need to do anything particular with the kids this weekend?)

He is a brilliant dad and I am very lucky to have him! I also go out a fair bit and he is happy for me to have weekends away etc

Apart from activities which we both enjoy, I am totally hands off with our DCs. DH is much more hands on. Looked after them as babies, has always been the one to do school runs, deal with schools etc. I don't do domestic stuff either (except cooking).

wanderingcloud
WiseGuys my DH is also a teacher and exactly like yours! Very hands on, does his share of housework, childcare etc

I thank MIL all the time and hope my two grow up like DH and his Bro!

Me too - have 2 boys.

My dp works shifts like yours, only one weekend off a month but daus off in the week.

This week on his day off he came with toddler dd and I to her gymnastics class :)

When ds1 was little we were both students and he went to baby groups etc and once he started work he still did that when he could.

Basically when he is at home he is equally as hands on as me, does school and pre school runs, takes the kids yo swimming a d other clubs such as kung fu etc. He does housework etc as well.

They are both our children! When he is at work I do everything, but once he is at home we both pitch in.

He does everything I do, they're both our children. Parenting is a team effort in our house. Apart from bf our newborn of course!

I work part-time so do more of the childcare and take the dc out more often than dh does. He works a 5day week. On the days I work, dh takes the children to, and picks them up from, nursery. Occasionally he takes a day or two as holiday so I can work a full week.
At home he does as much as me: half the cooking, half the nappies, half the night wakings if there are any, half the early mornings and then, at bedtime, he gets one child ready whilst I do the other (we swap the next night).
He rarely takes them out on his own.

When DD was tiny I did nappies, meals, baths "squash nits now Daddy?", bedtime "...and then the fat Ugly Sister used a cheesegrater to get the slipper to fit...". The very best bit was taking her to the park to chase ducks, and swimming.

There was a bit of micromanaging after the Two Dinner Hurl incident; apparently the under-2s don't tolerate haggis and red peppers very well.

I think it's quite U to think that "doing things" means toddler groups, cinema, zoo etc.

DP is at home with DD some days during the week because he is a shift worker.

He doesn't do toddler groups at all because they really aren't his cup of tea. He doesn't do things that I would do, like soft play or messy play. He doesn't do swimming as he can't swim and doesn't feel confident.

But he takes her out to the woods, goes to the library, goes on long walks through town doing the shopping at lots of different shops and browsing the charity shops.

Different things for different people.

Very, he puts me to shame at times...... He currently in Southport with the boy, they traveled down last night to see the red arrows......I've spent my time off wisely, by sleeping and picking at cold Chinese leftovers

We have DS, nearly 3 and DD, 4 months and DH has always been really hands on.
He works full time from home as a freelance translator so helps out a lot both with the kids and around the house. For example he took a day off on Thur to look after DS so I could get last min stuff for DD's christening. He then worked today instead.
He does lots of nappies and most bath times for DD. She won't take a bottle so he can't help with feeds but did try to when we tried to introduce a bottle.
Couldn't ask for more really!

My DH was very good, he worked from home and did school runs, took both to the pictures from an early age, football, entertained them on holiday so I could have a rest. Never bathed them or coped when they were ill, but then he doesn't cope when I'm ill either. Drove me mad sometimes him working from home though.

I would sort it though OP and nip it in the bud, otherwise it will cause huge resentment. I can understand some men are clueless at the baby stage and don't like being only man at some activities. He just has to find something he's happy to do and the children enjoy. Otherwise a pattern forms whereby you do it all. Not good.

He does just as much as I do, if not more.

If you feel your partner isn't pulling his weight, then it's time to have a chat with him.

Most men find things such as 'baby massage' or soft play pretty hellish.

I took my two to one of these groups once, it was the first and last time. Lots of cliquey women who looked at a man like some sort of alien, really not fun. DW goes every now and then when she's not working and they are lovely to her.
Babies don't really do it for me (and most men I know say the same). They're lovely and all that but they are pretty incompatible with doing anything fun (for a man).

I am really looking forward to them being a bit older. We look after our nephews a lot and they come out walking, help me with the animals on the farm, love riding the tractors. The eldest one has even started shooting with me in the last couple of years. DW complains that they don't pay her any attention, they just come to see their super fun uncle.

I know many women will recoil in horror at this (sorry - generalisation, but most women I know love babies), but I really can't wait
until my boys (18mo) are 6 or 7 years older! Can't bloody wait!

DP is forced to be hands on in many ways as he is separated, so has his DS in his (well, and my) sole care every other Thurs-Fri.

So he does all bedtimes, homework, ferrying about etc in that time.

He watches kids films and cartoons with DSS, and takes him to the cinema. He does gardening with him and plays lots of games with him.

He almost never organises trips to the park/swimming/special events/theme parks, however. If I suggest it and sort it he will be all for it, but rarely actually be the driving force behind it.

I think it is a very good thing in many ways he had his DS completely on his own every other weekend for a few years (before he met me) as it forced him to become much more hands on. I suspect his natural tendency would be to do a lot less, much as he loves his son.

My DP is very hands on, he does any night feeds despite working very hard full time during the week (I'm pregnant and he wants me to try and get some sleep at night). He helps with dinners and baths when he gets home from work, and gives our youngest her last bottle of the day and puts her to bed every night.

At the weekend he does the majority with the dc, and will take them to the park/cinema/days out/etc, and takes them to a music group every Saturday too. If he has a day off during the week then he will spend all day with them and would take them to any classes or groups they had on that day and has taken them to things like baby massage if he was home and able to go along. Even at places like soft plays or parks he wouldn't sit back and leave them to play, he'd be in the ball pit with them or chasing them around playing games with them.

DD is a baby, but DH does his fair share of work and loves to spend time with her. The only thing that I do that he doesn't is give DD a bath, and that's only because she poops on my shift, so that's as good a time as any to get her ready for the day.

We split things evenly. The only exception is dishes and cooking. He always cooks and I always do dishes. That is fine by both of us.

butternut he sounds absolutely fab!

He is ithought, I'm very lucky!

DH would never take the dc to baby massage, soft play or a toddler group on his own. It's his idea of hell on a stick.

I tend to do structured activities - taking them to toddler groups, soft play, swimming lessons. The things where not much 'interaction' takes place with the kids because they're off doing stuff. DH would die of boredom being stuck in a room with a load of gossiping, moaning women (yes awful generalisation etc, but IME that is actually what the toddler-group 'set' tend to consist of. I am much more adept at smiling, nodding and ignoring than dh is). DH has attended these before, but only when i'm there.

I also tend to do most of the sit-down, quiet stuff. Reading, homework, board games, cuddling up with a DVD.

DH is much more active and out-doorsy than me. So his hands on stuff will be taking them to the beach, or on a (age-appropriate) hike (we live close to the Brecon Beacons). He's also better at messy play, getting the paints out, water fights, building dens from their bunkbeds etc. He does cooking with them and lets them help him do DIY, that sort of stuff.

He'd jump at the chance to go on one of the dc's school trips...as long as it was the type of trip where he could take the dc off to complete whatever activities were available and wasn't stuck in a group being herded round.

In terms of the 'essential' hands on stuff (household and kids) as they've grown - night feeds, nappy changes, school run, cooking, cleaning - we're pretty equal, although we definitely have a pattern as to who does what job. DH has not once in ten years cleaned the bathroom. But then, at 28 years old, I've never once cleaned the inside of an oven...fair swap I say :)

Mines a bit lazy with the kids tbh so I tend to arrange stuff for him to do with them. He tends to do Sunday morning kids movies with them - he just has to sit then he takes them to the park. I booked swimming lessons and make dh take them by organising other things with our youngest. He's not bad just a bit go with the flow and would happily sit and watch them watch tv

Not very! Dh likes to think that he is, and he says instructions, and tells me how I should parents dcs, its irritating and does get me down. I have told him so too.

They're lovely and all that but they are pretty incompatible with doing anything fun...I really can't wait
until my boys (18mo) are 6 or 7 years older! Can't bloody wait!

I feel exactly the same and I'm a woman. I really enjoy being with DS now he's almost three, but the baby phase was just a slog. DH is actually much better with babies than I am - he's much more patient and needs a lot less sleep! He's really involved generally. I'm currently struggling with a really rough pregnancy and he takes DS over completely when not actually at work to give me rest time.

maninawomansworld, tbh I think a lot of people think like that! Well, at least, we probably all prefer one age over another. DP was ok with baby DC. Now she nearing 3 he's much happier.