How "hands on" is your kid's dad?

[lbsjob87]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a straw poll but I wonder if I expect too much from my OH in terms of what he should do with the kids.
We have a DD, 5, and a DS, 3 months.
DH works shifts so only has one weekend off a month, but time off in the week, obviously.
I am not very well at the mo, so yesterday wasn't well enough to take DS to baby massage at the children's centre, which I've done for the last 3 weeks.

I suggested DH take him - he had the day off and no plans - I had a migraine and TBH, needed a break. He said it wasn't his sort of thing so I accepted that, as it's not everyone's.

Then today my DD is going to Chessington with the Rainbows - a last minute parent place came up, and I wanted one of us to go as she is quite new and she's never been anywhere that big without us before. As I'm not feeling great, I suggested OH go. He said "No, you go. I'll stay here with the baby."

I said: "Ok. Have you two got plans then?" He said: "No. Might take him to my mums or something." Which means his mum will take the baby off his hands for a few hours.

So now neither of us are going, which isn't a major issue, but I would have thought he would jump at the chance to spend a day with her.

He has never taken her swimming, to the cinema, the theatre etc without me there. They've been to the park together twice, both times when I was at work.

He does play on the Wii with her sometimes, and they watch telly together, but not kids shows, things like Storage Hunters or cooking shows.

But then, he's a good dad, she adores him, and she doesn't miss out as I do those sort of things with her so I wonder if I'm a bit harsh expecting him to do things just because I do.
Or is taking your child out for the day all part of being a parent?

What's the general consensus?

DH is the "messy" parent - painting, playdoh, etc. Today I went out to collect DD1 from a party and came back 40 minutes later to find he'd been in the garage with 3yo DD2, hammering nails into things and "making a car".

But. He's not great on illness, night wakings etc. That's still my job. He does bath time for both, but would rather have his toenails pulled out than do baby swimming or toddler dancing.

He has for better and better as they get older though. I never get to take DD1 to the movies as he always plans it first. I suspect in a year or so they three of them will head out and leave me alone hurray

I'm still mostly the practical parent and he's the fun one, but if it gets me out of having to do playdoh, I can live with that!!

Your DH sounds lazy, sorry. Or, more charitably, perhaps he feels he isn't as good with the kids as you are, doesn't know how to connect with them etc, so he isn't trying very hard.

Trouble is, hardly anything gets easier through not doing it IYSWIM.

He needs to step up. My DH works full time outside the home (I'm on mat leave atm) but is home to do bathtime most days, brushes teeth, wipes bottoms, reads stories, empties the dishwasher, hangs up wet washing etc. At weekends we take turns on lie ins, he prioritises family time and is always keen to go out and do "something fun" with the boys to create happy memories.

And as for baby massage being "not his sort of thing" - well, newsflash, it's not actually supposed to be for his benefit. It's for the child, so sorry but you suck it up and do it (within reason etc etc).

my dh is an equal parent. Other than he can't work out whose clothes are whose .

He does homework/ reading/ housework (in fact he's a clean freak)/ takes them out etc.

And I don't even think he deserves a medal. Why do blokes get away with this?

My DH is great and does as much as he can when he is not at work or travelling.

During the week he will put DD to bed and read her stories if he is home on time, on the weekend he will normally take her swimming on Sundays and then out for some lunch, they have done this together since she was a few months old. He also takes her to kindergarten every morning, will jump on the trampoline with her, play in the garden, take her to the park etc. Things I would think most dads would do.

I think it's harsh to judge on the trip and class alone. Those really might not be his thing. And a full day in the house with a baby and no adult company is a long day tbh so I wouldn't think badly of him taking the baby to his mum's for a bit. I do more taking dd places than dh does but he probably plays better with her in the house if I am honest. My first thought if I have a day alone with her is where we can go and who with. He is more likely to have set up an obstacle course in the living room. So I don't think you can criticise just because someone doesn't want to do the same things. The key is whether when there are things neither of you wants to do but the dc would enjoy or are nnecessary, are those evenly split (making allowances for different working patterns)?

My DH is a fantastic father. Takes them out, cares for them when they're sick, coaches DS sports teams, plays dolls with dd1 etc.

This is what a good father should do. Your DH is a lazy parent. Why have children if you 'can't be arsed' to spend time with them?

I'm struggling a bit with the assumption in the OP that dads are always the the secondary parent or who have to be judged on their parenting.

An OP asking 'how good is your wife at parenting?' would go down like a ton of shit.

Having said that, I do accept - unlike some on MN - that there are differences between men and women. Purely going on my life experience and knowing dozens of friends in marriages with kids...

Our three are older now but we have always done things equally as in both been equally plugged into the kids, both pulled our weight, both feel it's important to know and be involved with your kids.

I have found however that we have had strengths and weaknesses and that he will do park, sports, homework, chores (fun chores!), read the newspaperrs with them while I did museums, trips out with friends to softplay, messy play, toddler groups and play dates and parties (I work FT though and always have so neither of us can do all of this). He hated going places where he'd have to sit with lots of parents making small talk.

Why don't you talk to him about it and see if there are things he's not comfortable with and you are as above?

I think it's ok for dad's to do different things but they do need to step up. Having said that, I think dh is more hands on than I am. He plays the most complicated imaginary games with ds for HOURS and does all kinds of fun things with him while I tend to take him to the park or or to a friends house or similar. Dh is the sahp though so perhaps the extra time he spends with him makes him better at interacting at ds level?

He still tends not to do the organising, but that's a feature of his personality.

I think wanting to avoid a trip to chessington is ok. But there should be alternatives in place.

DH is pretty good. Takes DS swimming, watches tennis coaching, takes him to buy footie boots/ Xbox games/ gaming magazines, deals with vomitty sheets while I clean up DS and stuff like that. They enjoy the same sort of movies and don't even invite me now!
However, DS is 9. When he was little DH wasn't so confident and interaction was limited to brio and duplo. Anything else was likely to involve me as mediator.

XH doesn't do the things I do, but he does different things. He'd never take him to the cinema (boring) or read to him (difficult) but he takes him swimming which I won't, plays football for hours and takes him away on fabulous adventures when he visits his home country. He's lazy in that he only does the activities he enjoys himself but at least he does things.

I would relax about it, he has a different style of parenting, but the end result is that you describe him as a "good dad" and his daughter "adores him". That's good enough for me.

My own father wasn't involved at all in my day to day life, had no idea of the names of my friends or what after school activities I was doing. He ran his own business and was extremely busy supporting his family. However, he was a phenomenal dad. Helped me when the shit hit the fan. And perhaps that is how your DH will be. Not great for baby massage, but if his daughter needs help at exam time, university admissions, debt, buying a house etc.... He will come through.

My own DH is a great balance of hands on and practical help, which I am happy with. Compared to other fathers around here, he is not hands on,but for me, it's perfect.

Dh is fantastic. He does everything equally to me. So we change who does what daily depending on who works from home that day. By the end of the week we have both done roughly the same.

Before we had children we had a long discussion and agreed that parenting was to be equal. I wouldn't have had children with him otherwise. However een before children we always shared cooking/ housework/ etc

If I am perfectly honest my DH is a far better 'parent' than I am - he has always done everything (bar breast feeding ) for our DS - he actively loves being a Dad whereas I find being a Mum a bit of a struggle. DS is a teenager now but they have always had loads of father & son time together, they go off on holidays without me, have lots of shared hobbies, DH changed his career so that he would have more time with our DS.

I agree with back in that on Mumsnet (and perhaps RL) that there is sometimes an assumption that Dad is the 'secondary' parent and I genuinely wonder if some men don't really want to be Dads but are persuaded by their wife, or society, to become parents? In our case my DH was much keener to have a child than I was.

DH is pretty good. He works f/t, I work p/t, so I'm obviously around more and so do more toddler groups etc with DS (2.1). But he takes him to the park regularly, and lets him "help" him in the garden (he's a keen gardener), does painting with him, does bath time every night and takes him to a monthly "men only" Saturday play session at our local children's centre. He doesn't read to him as much as I would like, but I know that it's because he's self conscious about reading out loud due to being dyslexic, and he's more prone to stick him in front of CBeebies than I am. And he's a hopeless multi tasker, and has never got the hang of cooking while looking after him, so there are a lot more fish fingers when he is in charge! But on the whole, he's a great dad.

I think what helped him is that I went back to work when DS was 11 months. I only work 2 days a week, but I also do every third saturday. So on those Saturdays, DH has him on his own, and so from a young age he's got very used to taking him out and about without me.

backbystealth I don't assume dads are secondary at all, and I don't think I suggested that. If I did, I apologise.
But if he does less with them, is he not automatically carving that role himself? (and incidentally my own dad was the same - he's a boat and plane fan and I cannot count the HOURS we spent sitting on cliff tops or near airports looking at the bloody things through binoculars, but at least we weren't stuck in front of the telly I guess).

DH is the dc's parent. This means he does everything I do. Not because he has decided to be 'hands on' that day but because he is a father. I don't suppose he gives a second thought to it. He happens to like the dc a great deal and doesn't see them as a chore.

Yesterday I was at work and DH had the day off and spent the day taking DS to activities and the park and playing many energetic games. They also did some DIY. DD was taken to school after breakfast/hair etc, picked up at the requisite time and they went out for hot chocolate. They were making paper roses when I got home. Dinner was on and the house spotless. No different to if I'm at home. The DC have two parents. Not one parent and one who chooses how involved to be.

DP mucks in I'm a SAHM he works long hours but he does do stuff with both DCs. I wont lie we do bicker sometimes about stupid stuff like who makes dinner or who takes which DC to what activity but I know he loves hem as much as I do and enjoys their time. this might seem obvious but some of my friends have partners/ex partners who are right uncaring bastards and I don't get it at all.

And OP I'm sure your DD will have a fab time today, don't worry. I don't blame you for not wanting to go if you feel a bit rough. a whole day traipsing round a theme park with a group of over excited little girls isn't my idea of fun when I feel rough either! Personally I'd get your DP to take baby round to his mums while you chill out or go back to bed. Even if he does just hand baby over to his mother itll be fine, you still get a break

He needs to find his own thing to do rather than the ones that you've handpicked for him. Baby groups and rainbows I would rather grate my face off than go myself never mind send him

The husband isn't bio dad but he's a much better at the hands on than me .. He takes him to places I just wouldn't entertain the thought of doing but they have a ball.

It does sound as if he's a bit apathetic and lazy in starting though.

Maybe he wants to hang out with you today and you're going to have to be firm if you want him to take the baby put so you can have a breather for a few hours.

My DC are 20,17 and 10. I was a SAHM or worked very part time and when first two were little and dh didn't do the type of thing you mentioned ( trips etc) but he did build up his confidence gradually. If one parent does the majority of this it's quite daunting to step in especially if there will be other parents etc there he doesn't know well. Some people will say I'm being too easy on him but parenting is a skill like any other and you have to practice. As a SAHM you get more practice so feel confident to go out, try new things etc. Give dh and dd a big floor puzzle/ activity to do together and leave them to it. If he is really lazy he will wander off and watch tv!
When my youngest was 18 months roles in our house changed and dh worked part time, did all the nursery/ school runs etc. He knew everyone at the school gates and when I did a rare pick up I felt quite out of it, and a bit intimidated! Mum and dads should parent equally but we can't expect the one who is around less to just "click" into it. We both used to go to my mums or his at weekends a lot because it was easier! ( and we were quite young parents)

I think a big thing is people referring to blokes as 'good' . Surely if you are a parent you are a parent whether male or female? It implies to me that being equal is somehow better than expected....... What reaction would we get if blokes were posting 'dw is good, she plays with the children, takes them out, I come back to a clean house and home cooked meal?'

Its a bit like mil thinks that dh is just the ultimate wonderful father/ husband because he is an equal partner. me, I disagree it is what should be expected.

DP does tend to be the "fun" parent and I do the organising but to be fair he has OCD and if he organised things it would take forever! We both work full time and on weekends we tend to do things as a family, so we're all off swimming shortly, but he takes DD out on her own occasionally just like I do.

In a couple of weeks I'm away on a training course and DP has decided to take the day off rather than drive DD an hour out of his way to the nursery at my work. If it's anything like last time they'll have a great time (park, lunch in the cafe, gardening centre to look at the baby guinea pigs!) and I'll be being sent picture messages.

We have a division of labour. I'm shit at housework so he does that and cooks our dinner, I look after the DCs. It works for us, but he does tend to disagree with what I do with the DCs even though I've had 4 and he's had 1.

tobysmum exactly! So patronising. (As an aside, we have a running joke between us that people say my dh is 'good' and such a 'treasure' and aren't I 'lucky' because he's been a SAHD and cooks dinner! I sometimes reply 'he's lucky I bring home the dosh or we wouldn't have any dinner).

OP don't apologise, I know you don't mean any harm but it is a very ingrained attitude on here and in RL.

There is also an assumption that men work and women don't - I see it an awful lot in OPs.

DH is a SAHD and each week does the rounds of toddler groups, Gymtots and playgrounds with our 2yr old. However, he wouldn't have wanted to do baby massage, baby yoga, singing, or that kind of thing as he would have felt too uncomfortable / embarrassed. I did them when on maternity/working part time.

Maybe he could find a regular activity to take them to that he is comfortable with - gymnastics, or art, sports, or something like that?

I'm in the camp that thinks he sounds at least mildly lazy. He should at least be taking charge of the baby today, even if that just means going to his mum's. Does he now expect you to be the 'hands on' one today because you haven't gone on the trip, even though you're ill?