How "hands on" is your kid's dad?

[lbsjob87]

This isn't really an AIBU, more a straw poll but I wonder if I expect too much from my OH in terms of what he should do with the kids.
We have a DD, 5, and a DS, 3 months.
DH works shifts so only has one weekend off a month, but time off in the week, obviously.
I am not very well at the mo, so yesterday wasn't well enough to take DS to baby massage at the children's centre, which I've done for the last 3 weeks.

I suggested DH take him - he had the day off and no plans - I had a migraine and TBH, needed a break. He said it wasn't his sort of thing so I accepted that, as it's not everyone's.

Then today my DD is going to Chessington with the Rainbows - a last minute parent place came up, and I wanted one of us to go as she is quite new and she's never been anywhere that big without us before. As I'm not feeling great, I suggested OH go. He said "No, you go. I'll stay here with the baby."

I said: "Ok. Have you two got plans then?" He said: "No. Might take him to my mums or something." Which means his mum will take the baby off his hands for a few hours.

So now neither of us are going, which isn't a major issue, but I would have thought he would jump at the chance to spend a day with her.

He has never taken her swimming, to the cinema, the theatre etc without me there. They've been to the park together twice, both times when I was at work.

He does play on the Wii with her sometimes, and they watch telly together, but not kids shows, things like Storage Hunters or cooking shows.

But then, he's a good dad, she adores him, and she doesn't miss out as I do those sort of things with her so I wonder if I'm a bit harsh expecting him to do things just because I do.
Or is taking your child out for the day all part of being a parent?

What's the general consensus?

We are equal parents plus he does all the cooking if home from work in time. The included making baby food when they were small.

I do tend to have to make all appointments (doctor, dentist, school etc for kids) and run their out of school activies schedule. However he will share driving them about and helping out at clubs.

He has done baby groups etc in the past but not keen. So I never pushed that. He just did things like park, feeding ducks and local farm instead.

He was also a stay at home dad for a year when we moved house because I could not take time off to sort new schools etc. It means he has a very good understanding of what it is like to be a mum.

I am afraid that does sound pretty lame, but the immediately going to the mums rings bells for me.

is he lazy>

My dh taking ds to see my MIL would involve him doing all of the hands on stuff. I thought that was pretty normal to be honest.

My dh and I have a tricky work set up meaning that each of us has been ds primary parent for 18 month stints (other parent works away 3 days a week). So we have both taken him to music groups and soft play. I don't like the park and am pg so dh does that. I take ds to the local museum as dh finds that boring. Sometimes we are both knackered so ds watches tv.

However I would have written off baby massage myself and there is no way I would have expected dh to go to Chessington as he hates theme parks! It would have been nice if you are feeling under the weather for your dh to take the baby to his mum's so you could have a little rest though.

Mmmmm several points....
Why don't you ask him to take the baby out today? He does sound lazy but be direct eg what time are you off out?

I used to personally hate the 'where's dh tonight? Is he BABYSITTING?' It really used to annoy me. I agree that children are a shared responsibility.

BUT
It is a fairly newish phenomenon that we have to be doing something all the time. Op you said about your dad and what he took you too. Did this make him a failure? To share his interests. A Saturday in my house used to consist of housework, wrestling on the tv, lunch at home (or spud u like if they were flush), down the town on the bus and a mooch about. Hence the big things like swimming and days out I REALLY looked forward to. It wasn't a whirlwind of stuff and actually sometimes I just stop micromanaging and let them amuse themselves (in the garden, reading, game).

Is baby massage for the babies though? My ds hated being naked at that age so I mostly just let him sleep or feed while listening to whale music and drinking herbal tea. It definitely felt like it was more of a 'mum' activity to me.

Fast forward 4 years and trying to get ds to keep his clothes on is a challenge!

My DH is brilliant. Does bath & bedtime most nights while I'm cooking dinner / tidying up...

He has taken them both to baby swimming, parties, Gymboree and the oldest to ballet by himself and at the moment has taken DD2 shopping with him so DD1 and I can have a lie in and watch a movie.

Having said all that though, if I'm out all day or ill, he will take them straight to his mums! I thought that was quite normal

For me, this isn't about him not going on the outings you might do if you were feeling better.

It's about him not giving you a break, ever. In 5 years. Even when you have a chest infection and migraine.

My DH would be sending me to bed and taking full responsibility for the baby all day. If he wanted to take baby to his mum to make it easier for him, who cares?

But your husband is neglecting you.

In case it was ambiguous , I am suggesting he needs to step up as a husband.

OP you say "But then, he's a good dad..." but don't go on to say any way in which he's a good dad. And I'm wondering what it is he does that makes him a good dad?

My DCs' dad has just taken ours off for the day while I sit at home and MN work. He frequently takes one or both of them out. Once the children were born, when interviewing for jobs he said his priority was work/life balance and while he'd be availble for email/conference calls in the evening, he'd be leaving work at 5:30 so he could get home for dinner/bed with his DCs. He also makes sure we can house, feed and cloth them. He reads with them and takes an interest in what they do at school. He knows their friends' names. About the only thing he doesn't really do with them is buy clothes or take them to the doctors/dentist. And that's just because I'm not currently working, if our time pressures were equal he'd step up to that as well. He is a good dad.

So what is it your OH does that makes him a good dad?

OH does everything that needs to be done for DS, we share parenting as it should be. He also makes the decisions rather than leaving it to me (like seems to happen with a lot of men if what I read on MN is true) I.... say if DS needs his hair washing or has been outside getting muddy he would just shower him, no issue.

Your DH is just a lazy arse and it will come to bite him eventually, then there seems to be the men, that while involved, leave all the decision making to the mother, then they are the Dads that parent. They can look at a situation and make a decision based on the needs of the child. I dont know if I am explaining it properly

My dad was feckin' useless with me when I was really young. He lived with my DGM which was lucky really because I think I would have been dropped on my head a few times and returned to my mum having eaten nothing but M&MS the whole weekend . He honestly has no idea what to do with young children. when we did speak and he did bother to come see my DC, he held my then baby DS vertically on his lap , just utterly clueless. He got better the older I got, when I could have proper conversations with him and I was independent enough not to need an adult to feed me, change me or wipe me after the loo etc. I definitely know that babies and young children are not everyone's thing, some parents get way more involved and interested in the tween and teen years.

My DH works FT shifts. He'll gladly take them so I can go out somewhere but that doesn't happen that often. He doesn't take them out on his own but then I can't blame him because even I'm not confident enough to take them all anywhere other than a walk on my own (aged 4, 3 and 2- it's near impossible to chase them all alone.) so we go on days out as a family rather than him on his own. He'd take one or two of them on his own I imagine, he has taken two of them into town before now but all three is a stretch. We split housework- one cooks, one washes up. One puts the washing on, the other hangs it etc. He's in charge of emptying the bin and mowing the lawn . He does all of the rough and tumble sort of playing with them- the tickle fights and so forth. I have to coerce him into baking and doing crafts with them though, he doesn't like the mess...

In your case I think your DH is being a bit of a twat. You're sick, he should take over without question really. I understand the baby massage thing though, not my sort of thing either.

But then, he's a good dad

How is he a good dad? He seems to do fuck all.

DH is great. Has one day off a week to look after Dds. Always does bedtime reading. Great at playing with them and taking them to the park. Even used to take my youngest to toddler ballet and he used to have to do it with her !!

Just wondering if it's helpful to your own situation to read how great and hands-on everyone else's DH is with the DCs. It could just make you feel even worse and feels harsh for me saying my DP has been very Hands on. But he was a SAHD, so that was how it was Sorts of rubs it in doesnt it?

My son is 2 and my dp takes him to a Saturday playgroup for dads every week, he takes him swimming almost every Sunday (on his own most of the time, I'm usually too tired)
We've just had another baby and I was unwell last week. He took both children all weekend and brought baby to me for feeds only, allowing me to rest.
The house becomes a bit of a tip when he takes control of the child care but he's really wonderful and never does it begrudgingly. He loves spending as much time as possible with the kids.
I don't see this as very demanding on my part, he works very long hours in London all week and I am a sahm so I am equally exhausted.

I would be upset if my dp didn't want to spend lots of time with the kids doing, what is typically classed as 'mum' duties. We both do exactly equal amounts of child related things, if anything, I think he actually changes more nappies than I do!
I don't know how I'd cope without him.

My DP is more hands on with the DC in the day to day stuff than I am.

He takes them to school every day, even had to change his work hours to do this. He picks them up from after school care when I am not around, although I pick them up from school when I am.

He is the one who goes through their bags after school, makes their lunches to take to school and gets them ready. He cooks when I am not here, but not when I am.

He always washes their uniform, for both school and karate, although I do the rest of the laundry.

He would not go on a school trip though. He would not have taken them to baby massage either. He would take them out to give me a break though.

We have 5 dc. The only way we can function is for both of us to do our bit. There is no formal divying up of responsibilities, its just all hands to the pump whenever its needed. We both work as well (usually I'm part time though). Weekends are swimming/football/parties/haircuts/drop off etc. It takes both of us always.

Op my dh had to learn to be more hands on. I used to give him specific instructions whenever he took them out or stayed in with them on his own.
Yes it was a pain but he was a bit clueless without them.
Over time, he's learnt how to deal with them and now that they're a bit older, takes them swimming, cinema, park and to his mums!
He actually enjoys watching films with the older ones now as they're into the superhero and transformers type of films.

It's not fair on you that you don't get a break and even if all he does at the moment is take them to his mums, I'd get him to do that more regularly. Maybe him and his mum can take the kids to the park. It would be a start.

Very. We are interchangeable as far as ability to look after house, children etc. He works more hours than I do so I end up doing more of it, but he does as much as he is able to. Always has, since first year of DS's life.

Reminds me of DP. Never done any baby classes or toddler groups. He doesn't seem to grasp the fact that I don't particularly enjoy spending my morning with twenty other toddlers while trying to stop mine from killing herself, but I do it anyway because she has a great time. In all other respects he's brilliant with her though. Perfectly capable of looking after her full time if I wasn't here, better at playing than I am, cooks, cleans, shops, takes her to his mother's and doesn't just sit on his arse while there.

I think it's tough (and a bit of a vicious circle) being the only dad at things like baby singing, where it's a bit embarrassing anyway without worrying about sticking out like a sore thumb. And most children things are very mum-orientated. Apparently swimming lessons are the single thing that dads regularly do more than mums in this country.

Anyway, DHis more hands on now the kids are older, and sometimes takes them out for the whole day. But not so much to organised fun, which frankly I can take or leave too

DH is brilliant with the kids. Couldn't ask for more. He's a teacher with no managerial aspirations. He has sole responsibility for the kids through the holidays and does actual kid stuff with them. In term time, he will happily take them to and from activities, sit and do the craft stuff that I'm rubbish at, bath them, put them into bed. Obviously we share the load but he actively enjoys being a dad - and he's a bloody good one.

My maternity leave ended as the summer holidays started (both times - ideal timing!) and DH had absolutely no issue with taking them to baby/toddler groups - happy to get a cup of tea and a biscuit I think!

And, don't flame me, but he is your typical, northern "manly" man from solid working class stock with a very traditional dad's work/mum's work set up but he doesn't subscribe to that and there's no way he's emasculated in any way.

I knew he'd be a good dad though. We were together 5 years before kids and we were equal partners. I've never had to pick his crusty undies up off the floor and he's always done his fair share around the house. Off on a tangent, but I am thankful to my MIL for raising such a great man - his brother is the same.

I dunno about this 'being the only man' at toddler groups obsession. I remember dh moaning about how no one talked to him at one group because he was a man. .... I pointed out they didn't talk to me either as it was horrendously cliquey. otherwise he's never seemed bothered tbh but he's quite a sociable, easy going type who is capable of conversing with women. I am always a bit suspicious of these 'mens men types' who are too sexist frightened to socialize with females.

WiseGuys my DH is also a teacher and exactly like yours! Very hands on, does his share of housework, childcare etc

I thank MIL all the time and hope my two grow up like DH and his Bro!