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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want DH to look after me when I'm ill?

121 replies

Discopanda · 19/09/2014 14:56

I'm ten weeks pregnant and we have a 2 and a half year old, I'm a SAHM and started to get ill yesterday. I'm really struggling to look after both myself and DD today who I've had to stick in front of the TV with some Peppa Pig toys all day and occasionally throw food at. DH has been at his current job about a year so has passed probation but still won't take a day off work when I'm ill to look after DD so I can rest. I've checked on the government's website and it would classify as parental leave but his father has convinced him that taking time off work to look after your family is 'career suicide'. I'm really dreading the thought of having two children but not being able to rely on DH for help. AIBU?

OP posts:

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 14:57

Would he be paid?

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 15:00

Honestly, when one person is a SAHP, they usually have to chunter along unless they are so ill it requires hospital.

Your DD will be fine.

LadyLuck10 · 19/09/2014 15:01

Ok but what if you're sick like this very often, do you expect him to take a day off everytime? He might have the leave available but it might not be easy to take it at short notice iyswim.

Only1scoop · 19/09/2014 15:02

I suffered Hg when pregnant. Ended up having to put dd in nursery an extra couple of sessions. Wouldn't have expected dp to miss work though. Have you a friend or relative who can help?

steff13 · 19/09/2014 15:02

I think you're being unreasonable. Do you have a friend or family member who can take your daughter for the day?

Fairylea · 19/09/2014 15:02

Hmm tempted to agree with rainbow.

I'm a sahm with health problems and I have days when I am literally staggering round from the sofa to the kitchen feeling ill and dh still can't have a day off work as we desperately need the money!

Unless you're so ill you need to go to hospital I think it's one of those things you just have to push through and sleep when you can - when the toddler goes to bed, get to bed yourself.

Of course dh should be taking over when he gets in and helping as much as possible.

Hope you feel better soon.

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 19/09/2014 15:05

I think yabu. It's shitty to be Ill & a sahm but if you're only 10wks pg, he's probably going to need to save all his favours/leave for when you're heavily pregnant.

How often are you this ill?

saoirse31 · 19/09/2014 15:07

I think u just get on with it tbh.... a day or so watching peppa pig wont kill toddler... i think id want to be seriously ill before id be needing another adult to stay home. Hope ur better soon

wigglesrock · 19/09/2014 15:10

It's horrible to be pregnant and ill but a day in front of the TV with snacks thrown at them isn't going to hurt your 2 year old. Hunker down, watch CBeebies and will the hours away until your partner comes home and then go to bed.

I'm afraid that's the downside of being a SAHM (and I'm one), you can't really take a sick day if you've no one else to watch the kids. There's no need at this point for your husband to take a day off sick. If I was him I'd be saving my annual leave for when the baby's here and any other bits and bobs and yes in theory parental leave should cover you for a day but in reality it doesn't.

AlleyCat11 · 19/09/2014 15:11

It will be even harder when the baby arrives. It's probably best to get used to juggling / feeling unwell now. Unless you were very sick, I wouldn't ask him to miss work. As others said, he may need that time off further down the line. Sadly, his Dad is right about work.

polyhymnia · 19/09/2014 15:14

Agree with others. YABU.

TheVeryThing · 19/09/2014 15:14

I don't think that being at work absolves you from responsibility for your children,
Dh and I both work and if our childminder is ill one of us will have to take time off. Obviously, we all want to minimise time off but if a SAHP is too ill to care for a child then the other parent needs to take time off or arrange for alternative childcare.
I always feel sorry for the SAHMs on here who report feeling terrible but still having to look after young dc.

Original poster

Discopanda · 19/09/2014 15:18

One time I physically couldn't move because I was so ill and he STILL wouldn't take time off work. Surely being unable to look after your child is a just cause for taking a day off work, which by law has to be paid. Thank you, TheVeryThing, it does get to the point where I actually feel resentful and want to swap positions!

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 19/09/2014 15:19

If you are referring to statutory parental leave he would need to give 21 days notice iirc.....

TheVeryThing · 19/09/2014 15:30

As for 'career suicide' - what about all the families where both parents work, or single parents, who have to take time off when kids are sick and when childcare is unavailable?

Does he not have annual leave available? I'm not in the UK so can't advise but when I take time off it comes out of my annual leave.

Maybe you need to have a serious chat with him about his responsibilities as a parent.

AlpacaMyBags · 19/09/2014 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 19/09/2014 15:45

If your bloke is the main wage earner and you stay at home then unfortunately it's just something you have to suck up.

If you both work and one of the kids was sick then fair enough.

It's horrible at the time I know but where does it end?

My husband was ill yesterday but he still had to do childcare while I went to work.. its just the way it is.

AmberLav · 19/09/2014 15:54

I think it depends on how ill you are... If you are genuinely unable to look after your child, then yes, your husband would be entitled to take (potentially unpaid) time of work to sort out alternative childcare.

I remember having a serious chest infection where I had to crawl from the bed to the bathroom, and there is no way in hell that I would have been able to look after a child. Equally, when I had morning sickness, DS was quite content to watch tv while I lay on the floor groaning, and occasionally throwing him some bread!

Also, in my experience, when a woman takes time of work to look after children, it's career suicide, but when dad does it it's, oh what a lovely dad, ah!

Bulbasaur · 19/09/2014 16:02

Also, in my experience, when a woman takes time of work to look after children, it's career suicide, but when dad does it it's, oh what a lovely dad, ah!

I've never seen anyone get in trouble for taking a sick day, be it for children or otherwise. I had one parent take his sick kids into work and they slept on the floor of his office. No one even questioned it.

Offices are starting to become more family friendly now that there's more single parents out there.

You might get trouble with retail jobs, but generally retail managers are sharks looking for signs of blood. So we can't count those.

TheVeryThing · 19/09/2014 16:08

Agree with Amber that it depends on how ill you are.
If your dh is very ill, I'm sure he takes a day off work, perhaps you could remind him of that.
At the very least, I hope he will take over childcare duties at the weekend and let you get a proper rest.

ilovesooty · 19/09/2014 17:37

Parental leave is unpaid, requires 21 days' notice and needs to be taken in blocks of no less than a week. If he requires emergency childcare leave the entitlement and procedure will depend on his company's policy. Most places would expect you to use annual leave, may not grant it at short notice and would expect this to be short term until other arrangements can be made. I don't know where you got the idea that it has to be paid.

DoJo · 19/09/2014 17:37

I thought parental leave had to be booked in advance and as blocks of time, not just odd days here and there? Or has his company got a generous policy on that?

Itsfab · 19/09/2014 17:43

An ex friend was a SAHM and employed a nanny in case she was ill . They had very little money . That was ridiculous and so is this.

You aren't well and granted it is crap but you have to just get on with it. Your toddler will be fine with quieter days, you rest if she naps and get DH to do dinner when he gets in. He could also make you both a sandwich before he goes to work if you can't manage to even do that but really you just have to get on with it.

Marmiteandjamislush · 19/09/2014 18:18

What would you do if you were a single parent? You just have soldier on I'm afraid. You'll have to do it all the time when you have 2 DC and both need you in different ways at the same time. Am a WAHP btw, would never ask DP to take time off if I'm ill. YABU

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/09/2014 18:21

DD was 8 months when I discovered I was pregnant again, she lived in CBeebies and simple finger food as I lay on the sofa feeling sick. It won't do them any harm. I wouldn't ask my H (if I had one) to take a day off work, not unless I was seriously ill.

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