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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want DH to look after me when I'm ill?

121 replies

Discopanda · 19/09/2014 14:56

I'm ten weeks pregnant and we have a 2 and a half year old, I'm a SAHM and started to get ill yesterday. I'm really struggling to look after both myself and DD today who I've had to stick in front of the TV with some Peppa Pig toys all day and occasionally throw food at. DH has been at his current job about a year so has passed probation but still won't take a day off work when I'm ill to look after DD so I can rest. I've checked on the government's website and it would classify as parental leave but his father has convinced him that taking time off work to look after your family is 'career suicide'. I'm really dreading the thought of having two children but not being able to rely on DH for help. AIBU?

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/09/2014 18:21

Cardriver · 19/09/2014 18:28

If your DH can't take time off work for whatever reason then hopefully he'll pick up the slack when he gets home and look after all 2/3 of you.

magicalmrmistofelees · 19/09/2014 18:38

I agree with the OP. I have a 10 month old and suffer from migraines. Only once or twice a year but they're debilitating. I had one when my DD was 4 months old and he had to take the day off, there was no choice as I couldn't move or see. If it's a common cold then you just get on with it, but some illnesses necessitate help.

WooWooOwl · 19/09/2014 18:59

If you are capable of sticking your child in front of the telly and throwing some food at her, your DH shouldn't need to take any time off work. I think this is one of the things you just have to put up with when you have the luxury of being a SAHP.

I'm not sure it would be career suicide, but that depends on his job. I think it would be seen as very unreliable to take time off work to look after your wife who doesn't have a diagnosis of anything other than pregnancy in most jobs though. And being seen as unreliable is not a good place to be in when you are about to be fully supporting four people on your own.

Charitybelle · 19/09/2014 19:23

Sorry to the YABU crowd, but this is bullshit! You're not a flipping martyr, and we live in a country where we have employment rights fortunately so it will not mean the sack if your dh has to take the day off to look after his own child. If you had a nanny or cm and they were sick, one if you would have to take the day off work surely? Are we saying that sahp's should be treated worse than people who work for you? Just because you're not being paid, you have no right to a sick day? Has your dh ever taken a sick day? If he gets one when sick then why don't you?
Sorry but sick of this prevalent attitude on mumsnet that you have to suck it up, why?? There's no need when your child has a perfectly healthy parentwho can take a personal day to help his own wife and child?

My husband has had to take about 2/3 days in the last two years when I've been sick, once with norovirus and another time with a sick bug, neither time did he hesitate for a second. We're a team, if I fall ill, he picks up the slack and vice versa, if he left me alone in pain with a child to look after for no particularly good reason I would be seriously questioning our relationship......

Idontseeanysontarans · 19/09/2014 19:33

Everything that Charitybelle said.
The OP isn't a single parent so that argument is out, she has (I hope) a loving partner - not a boss - who should he able to take a day to help out his pregnant wife.
Of course Cbeebies and sandwiches won't hurt for a day, we've all done it haven't we? But he won't be the only bloke who has ever spoken to his boss quietly and said 'xx is really struggling today, am I ok to take some work home' or similar.

HicDraconis · 19/09/2014 19:41

DH is a sahp and he wouldn't dream of asking me to take time off work if he was sick! I do breakfasts and make lunches then he does school run, dog walks etc regardless (with a temp of 39+ during the recent bout of flu).

It would have to be something requiring hospital or contact isolation (eg whooping cough) for me to take time off. He knows it and just gets on with it.

Itsfab · 19/09/2014 19:44

The OP isn't incapacitated so can manage enough to keep the child fed and safe.

Tallypet · 19/09/2014 19:48

Perhaps if you're that ill, that you "physically couldn't move" you might need to speak to your doctor.

Your DP father is right, he can't just take days off if you're not well. You need to deal with this as millions and millions of women have dealt with this before.

If your DP loses his job through taking off too many days is there another source of income? Is your employer being understanding?

Ticklemonster897 · 19/09/2014 19:49

I think some people here think 'oh just a bit of morning sickness, feeling a bit queasy'. I know real morning sickness though and that involved laying flat on my back with a sick bucket to hand, not being able to stand up at all and needing help get to the loo and back.

Have you any friends/relatives that could take the little one? Or pay a childminder?

Ticklemonster897 · 19/09/2014 19:52

Can your DH prepare day time snacks/meals for DD or pop home at lunch time?

SanityClause · 19/09/2014 19:52

Parental leave is unpaid and must be taken in blocks of a week or more. Also, you have to give 21 days notice to your employer.

Ticklemonster897 · 19/09/2014 19:53

Alternatively maybe you need to go somewhere you can be looked after? Like your mothers.

I think it would be fine for DH to take one or two days off to look after you but if you need regular proper care, you need to work out a childminder or staying with parents

Squeegle · 19/09/2014 20:03

If my nanny was ill, I wouldn't expect her to look after a child. Not only because it's unreasonable, but because it could potentially be dangerous for a child to be in the care of someone who really is in no fit state to look after them.
As a full time worker I did occasionally have to take days off to cover a sick nanny. They always had to be taken as holiday. Surely the OP is not being unreasonable to expect her husband to do this if she's really really unwell?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/09/2014 20:08

Oh FFS people! This is 2014 - decent workplaces recognise that people have lives outside of work.

Obviously you carry on if it is a bit of a sniffle but if a person is genuinely really ill then no they shouldn't be looking after small children.

Both dh and I have had "martyr maladies" in the past. Where you get a bit ill but are really busy at work so soldier on and then end up really ill and taking off more time than you would have done to start with. Dh ended up in hospital for 3 days because he was "too busy" to spend a couple of days on the sofa watching crappy telly.

As a result we are now sensible and if ill we take the time we need.

The way we work it is that we are honest with each other and are confident that neither "plays" on illness.

The only time I was ill during my last maternity leave was about a year ago when I had a raging case of tonsillitis. Couldn't get out of bed. Ds was 3 months so I reckoned I was ok to look after him (he just lay in bed with me and I provided him with open access to the milk. He thought it was his birthday). But I couldn't look after dd (then 3). So dh took her to pre-school went to work for 3 hours, picked her upm, brought her home, fed her, then worked from home while occasionally changing the tv channel, fixing dolly's broken leg, opening the box with the crayons in etc. he had to work a bit that evening but all in all we coped. By the next day I felt better but not well enough to do the pre-school run so he did the same thing but when dd got home I supervised the telly channel changing, dolly fixing and crayons from the sofa. By day 3 I was well enough to do the pre-school run.

Obviously only worked as he works near home and Can work from home. But it's part of the package. Two WAHP and you have to take time off when child is sick. A SAHP and the other one has to take time off when they are ill. It's still a huge gain - adults are rarely ill anywhere near as much as the average toddler in nursery.

MrsCumbersnatch · 19/09/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillSquirrelling · 19/09/2014 20:08

I suffer with ulcerative colitis, which flares up massively when I'm pregnant (look it up - it's not pleasant) and when I was pregnant with DS (who managed to evade THREE different forms of contraception), I had a 3 year old and a 2 year old whom I had to leave stuck in front of the TV for upto half an hour at a time, several times a day. Add to that SPD and no sleep due to PUPPP, I was in a pretty bad way. Still didn't get me off the childcare though. DH is the only one that works and his work, although he gets a salary too, pays in commission. If he wasn't working, he wasn't earning (as much) and so I just had to grit my teeth and bear it. Neither of the girls remember it, so I don't think they are mentally scarred by the experience.

Basically, if you are a SAHM/D then you pretty much don't get sick leave. Sad, but usually true :(

Iggly · 19/09/2014 20:09

Your partner is talking out of his arse. It isn't career suicide to take the odd day off here or there.

But you were able to get through the day so not really an issue. The issue is whether when you're really ill he would step up.

Hakluyt · 19/09/2014 20:11

Presumably when you physically couldn't move the doctor came to see you? What was wrong?

Balaboosta · 19/09/2014 20:45

I get the "YABU suck it up" but I also get that this situation is making the OP very anxious. It's horrible feeling that nobody "has your back". Don't know if it's U or UR - no right answer - but it's a really horrid situation. OP hope you feel better soon - you've gone a bit quiet.

magicalmrmistofelees · 19/09/2014 20:52

Agree with everything charitybelle says. If you had a nanny who was ill, they would phone in sick as they would be unable to effectively look after your child. So why should an ill SAHP be expected to look after that child? Hate the martyr attitude that is so prevalent on here. Also agree that any decent employer would be understanding about a man taking time off to look after his own child when their usual childcare (nanny, nursery, SAHP) is unavailable.

magicalmrmistofelees · 19/09/2014 20:54

Also, a lot of people don't have family nearby to help. My nearest family member (other than DH) lives 200 miles away and my friends all work FT or have very busy lives themselves. Surely it's more reasonable to expect my DH to take time off to look after his own child than to expect anyone else to drop what they're doing to help out?

Only1scoop · 19/09/2014 20:56

Is it linked to the pregnancy that you are ill....just wondered if underlying problem with the 'couldn't physically move' comment?

Hope you are feeling better and get some test

Elletorrito · 19/09/2014 21:11

Your dh can take dependants leave. It is only for emergencies so only for 1 day, by its nature it doesn't need to be booked in advance. It is unpaid and he cannot be penalised for taking it - ie it doesn't count in redundancy pool etc. do bear in mind that although he has passed the 1 year probationary period he needs 2 years employment to have any protection against unfair dismissal though.

I really feel for you op. I am just, touch wood, recovering from hg and could not look after my toddler for about 6 months. Many pregnant mothers with hg end up living with their parents/ parents in law for support with child care. Others pay for child care. It's actually pretty dangerous having a toddler on the loose.

Do go to your doctor. Go to the hg thread in pregnancy and print off the NICE guidelines. Also maybe join the thread - you will get support there. Do not let your doctor fob you off. You are unable to continue your day to day activities and you need support.

Hope it's morning sickness and passes quickly for you.

londonrach · 19/09/2014 21:17

Yabu unless you need to be in hospital. My sister dd spent 3 months in front of the tv due to my sisters morning sickness. What else could she do. Her dh needed to work. It wont harm your dc. Sorry you feeling so ill but its unfair to expect your dh to take time off. He need that time when baby comes....

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