AIBU to want DH to look after me when I'm ill?

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I'm ten weeks pregnant and we have a 2 and a half year old, I'm a SAHM and started to get ill yesterday. I'm really struggling to look after both myself and DD today who I've had to stick in front of the TV with some Peppa Pig toys all day and occasionally throw food at. DH has been at his current job about a year so has passed probation but still won't take a day off work when I'm ill to look after DD so I can rest. I've checked on the government's website and it would classify as parental leave but his father has convinced him that taking time off work to look after your family is 'career suicide'. I'm really dreading the thought of having two children but not being able to rely on DH for help. AIBU?

I'm going to against the grain with the minority posters here. Fuck me, you have to be hospitalised before your spouse steps up to the plate?! You expect your partner to bloody well get on with the dog walking and school run with a temperature of 39 degrees?

Op, you are doing your dh's career a boost by being at home. He never has to take time off for a sick child like he would if you were both WOH. If you are getting sick every week then it would be a problem, but if this is a one day a year kind of thing then that is generally a lot less than he would be taking for a sick child.

I also take great exception to the suggestion that he would be taking time off to look after you. He would be taking time off to look after his own child because you are incapacitated.

This obviously all depends on circumstance - if you really can't afford to lose a day's pay, for example, things might be different, but on the whole I really don't think this is an unreasonable thing to ask.

As unfair as it is, I can see your DH s POV, a lot of bosses are not very understanding in these situations and he may well be judged for it

Liege I was pretty shocked at the school run and dog walking with a temp of 39+ too. I don't know how that poster's dh does the school run but there is no way in the world I would let someone with that sort of temperature drive my children - they'd probably be safer with someone who had tequila for breakfast! As for the dog- why couldn't the poster get up half an hour earlier and walk the dog for a couple of days?

Both dh and I work prt time / flexibly so we both sometimes play the role of SAHP and WAHP at different times. So we both respect both roles and treat the one doing the other role as we would wish to be treated in that circumstance.

Dh has been known to take time off work on a couple of occasions.

Both times I had severe tonsillitis, was hallucinating because of the temperature and struggled to even take myself to the loo.

I'm amazed by all the posts saying that YABU and you should just suck it up no matter how ill you are. I completely disagree!

I think you and your husband are a team and have joint responsibility for children. Even if you've decided that he will work to support the family and you will look after the children (a job that's just as important IMO), you still share responsibility for finances and he still shares responsibility for the kids.

So if you are ill he should be helping you get support even if he can't support you himself by taking time off work. Obviously it depends how ill you are, and if you not too ill you can probably make do... But if you're so ill you can't move?! Frankly I would be concerned that he still expects you to look after the kids in that state, for your sake and theirs.

Do you have any close friends or family who live nearby and don't work? If so I think they should be the first people to ask if you're ill and need a bit of help. If not then the solution should be that your DH works from home or takes time off if he can, and if he can't (or refuses) they you pay a nanny or childminder.

What his father says about taking time off work to look after dependants being "career suicide", that's bullshit. Why is he just following what his father says and not discussing it sensibly with you? Obviously different employers have different attitudes to flexible working and time off, but as someone said you can legally take time of for dependants / family emergencies.

Do any of your DH's colleagues work from home or take time off to look after dependants? If so I think he could do the same. And if not he could at least discuss it with his employer - the worst that can happen is say no. They can't fire him or make him redundant for asking!

I don't think YABU either.

DH and I came to blows over this massively a few years ago.

I had flu, proper actual flu. The first and last time I've ever had it. DD1 was 4, DD2 about 8 months. I couldn't get out of bed, let alone look after children. I was totally out of it for 4 days. He swanned off to work.

His boss is lovely and was horrified and sent him home with a flea in his ear.

I'm not ill often and I usually just carry on regardless, taking full advantage of cbeebies and flinging easy food in their direction now and then, but that instance really affected our whole relationship for a while. His boss is fab and understanding, there was no pressure for him to go to work, he could have done some stuff from home so there was absolutely no need for him to have insisted on going into work.

I'm with the YABUs

I couldn't walk from 16 weeks pregnant with DS2 due to severe SPD, I was in a wheelchair from 24 weeks so DS1 and I were camped upstairs. He was 20 months old. DH still went to work, he had no choice. He left us with food and drink to cope for the day and we got on with it.

I've done it many, many times since. Its impossible to get your DH home when he is in the desert or the Falklands or somewhere else for 4 or 6 months because you feel ill and the kids need looking after.

Reading through this entire thread, it appears that the real split is between people who work for good employers and those who don't. I can see the side of those who wouldn't 'risk' the job of the sole wage earner under almost any circumstances. However can't everyone see how ridiculous it is in this day and age that someone could be frightened of losing their job over a sick day looking after dc? I used to work in hr, and have never worked anywhere that would penalise someone for this (unless it was every week and patently a piss take, so a different situation).
I also think there's a lot if sexism at play. Women who work outside the home have to do this all the time, career suicide or not, whereas the poor menz have to be protected from anyone at work even thinking that they might have outside priorities that may impinge on their work/career. This can only be impeding the cause of women in the workplace??!

If I take a day off work it causes major disruption to a lot of people's lives. Surgery gets cancelled - entire lists of much needed joint replacements, laparoscopies, tonsillectomies, etc. These people have all rearranged their lives (arranged child care, arranged time off work) to have their surgery on that day. It's a huge deal to patients and to be told "sorry, the anaesthetist can't come in today because she's at home with her children, her husband is ill" would cause most to complain. Part of the deal of sahp for us at least is that DH does all childcare so I can work.

For me to disrupt that, DH has to be physically unable to look after the children - yes, I'd love to be able take time off to look after them when he's sick. He's never yet felt sick enough (even with his temp of 39 - though they did get a taxi to school that day, he wasn't up to driving) to ask me to, he's just got on with it. And I admire him for it.

If he had a leg in plaster and couldn't drive, we'd be paying for taxis to take them to school and a dog walker rather than me take time off.

If I'm sick - it depends how sick I am. Cough / cold I go in and wear a mask. Broken limb and I go in but do more ward/clinic based work. Minor surgery - I had to work the morning, had my op in the afternoon, was non clinical (but at my desk doing paperwork) the following morning and in clinic the following afternoon. With much more empathy for the preops having just been through it!

I think people talking about their own experiences are really irrelevant because it comes down to:

a) CAN husband take time off without sanction?
b) WILL he do it?
c) Is wife ABLE to function for herself and children without help
d) Is wife WILLING to manage

Workplaces are different, jobs are not easy to come by and many people are living hand to mouth. There are some people who feel sicker than others with certain illness and don't cope as well. People work different hours have traveling time, commitments at work, etc.

So posting and being a bit smug that you have a husband who is willing and able to drop everything isn't really helpful if somebody else is under very different circumstances.

Charitybelle makes a good point about the types of employers because some will have provision for childcare or looking after sick relatives.

Irrelevant at HicDraconis for her career, that's what I would have wanted to do too if I'd picked medicine.

Being able to work from home helps a lot too. One time when I had a vomiting bug I reckoned I was able to look after dd (then 1 or 2) ok but even the thought of making her food or changing dirty nappies made me heave. So dh worked from home, made lunch for the two of them and changed one smelly nappy. He commented afterwards that he'd got more done than when he was in work!

hic it sounds a bit better now you are saying that they got a taxi for the school run. I still think you should have got up early and walked the dog though.

I love it couldn't do anything else though - surgery never really grabbed me (standing for 3h rearranging someone's intestines?), medical ward rounds are v long and tedious, GP was far too difficult - I'd have sent everybody in "just in case" - anaesthetics is great.

Mumoftwo err. Lovely idea but I'd been at work 8am to 10pm the night before then called back in at 2am for an emergency and was still there at school run time. Unless you think I should have walked the dogs between 10pm and 2am? I stayed at work until 6pm that day, came home, slept and was back in 7.30 the next morning. This is why DH needs to be a sahp.

It depends how unwell you are and this isn't clear in the OP.

If you are physically incapable of looking after a small child then of course he needs to stay at home. It you feel rubbish but are safe to look after the child, he should go to work.

My DH has only taken 2 days off work for me being ill and that was just recently due to me and 3 of our children all having a sick bug at the same time. I was struggling myself and couldn't have coped on my own with me being sick, cleaning up sick and looking after 3 ill children at the same time. Anything else I have just got on with it and coped.

Depends on how ill you are, really. If you can manage without him, then he should go to work. If you're so ill that you can't manage, he needs to take time off. From your OP, it sounds like you're coping, but we don't really have enough info to judge.

How often are you ill, OP? I don't think it would be career suicide to take a day off to care for family, but if it were happening regularly, it would probably have an impact.

There is no legal requirement to pay people for parental leave - you seem to be misinformed on this point.

Hope you feel better soon!

Working from home sounds brilliant. Unfortunately we can't fit a fighter jet in our back garden so it ain't going to happen!

I think if you have to do it you will. I've had vomiting bugs when DH has been away so heaved away when I've done nappies and food, because there was no other option.

I broke my arm on the Monday afternoon when DS1 was 10 months, DH had the Tuesday off so I could get used to the plaster and adapt, he was back at work 7:30am Wednesday. But that was 1995 and there was no such thing as parental leave or anything. It was hard in the first few days.

I also find the career suicide comment ridiculous!! The children are just as much the responsibility of the father as they are the mother - as another poster has said, working mothers and father's find themselves in the position if having to take a day off because of the children. I do wonder though how often the fathers stay off work or leave work due to their child bring ill illness compared to how often the mothers do it. I wonder if in some relationships it is just assumed the mother should do it.

It depends how ill you are.

Feeling crap but still well enough to post on MN and look up stuff on govt website = well enough to stick on CBeebies and let DH get to work

Unable to get out of bed or even move (as I have been when 38 weeks pg with flu... I went to hospital in the end as baby stopped moving) = DH has to take time off or find someone else to help

'career suicide' is bollocks... if DH is a good worker his boss will want to keep him even if he takes the odd day off.

I think if you are able to cope just about then you should try to just get on with bits.
If you are ill to the point of not coping and there is nobody else to help, then of course he should take time off.
if you were a wohm he would have to do half the childs sick days and this is no different.
The odd day off will not harm his career and your fil is very old fashioned to suggest it will.
Your OP sounds like you will just about manage though and unfortunately this is what it is like when you have more than one child.
There will be times when you are all throwing up into buckets and running to the loo, as these things tend to wipe out the family all at once.
You just have to get used to coping, your dd will be fine as long as you are there.

I was a SAHM for many years. If I was ill then provided it wasn't anything too serious I just had to get on with it. It is shit, but that is just the way life can be sometimes.

There was only one occasion when I had to call my husband to come home from work to look after the children (youngest was 11 months then, and the other two were 5 and 8). I had been to the GP that morning when my tonsils had flared up into a large quinsy (an abscess, which can block the airway and quickly become life-threatening) and was being sent into hospital for it.

He came home. It wasn't a problem, but it isn't something you can really do very often.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

I sympathise op. i am a sahp and I have had to do school runs with tummy bugs and within days of my csection.

i was pretty pissed off recently when dh was signed off for a week with a chest infection despite feeling fine.

yet he only managed to work from home when I had a colonoscopy under sedation. I was told not to look after dc for 24 hours but he still wouln't take leave.

Sadly it is a downside of being a sahp. It is very wrong though.

I would say YABU. It's tough, but chances are in the months to come you will get ill again, or there will be cases where both you and DC are ill. There's only so much time off anyone can take, no matter how understanding the employer, work still needs to be done and you really don't want to put your DH in a position where he is refused leave. But and hugs and hope you're better soon.