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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want DH to look after me when I'm ill?

121 replies

Discopanda · 19/09/2014 14:56

I'm ten weeks pregnant and we have a 2 and a half year old, I'm a SAHM and started to get ill yesterday. I'm really struggling to look after both myself and DD today who I've had to stick in front of the TV with some Peppa Pig toys all day and occasionally throw food at. DH has been at his current job about a year so has passed probation but still won't take a day off work when I'm ill to look after DD so I can rest. I've checked on the government's website and it would classify as parental leave but his father has convinced him that taking time off work to look after your family is 'career suicide'. I'm really dreading the thought of having two children but not being able to rely on DH for help. AIBU?

OP posts:

Titsalinabumsquash · 19/09/2014 21:19

YANBU,

DP has taken a few days off to look after me or the kids if I've not been able too.
His work get told he's at home and hey and he does what work he can at his desk but will always put the family first, and why shouldn't he? I'd do it for him. Work is never that important.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/09/2014 22:12

Reading the majority of these replies has shocked me. I know if I felt really unwell then without a doubt DH would stay at home to relieve me of the burden of DS. He's done it before without me even having to ask.

I honestly can't believe the 'suck it up comments' - as another poster said, aren't SAHP's worthy of sick days because they aren't being paid?

If so it's quite ironic really seeing as whenever a SAHM.v.Working Mother debate takes place one of the main arguments that is always raised is that being a SAHP is a job - therefore sick days should be allowed!!!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/09/2014 22:27

Most modern employers are reasonable, but there's still a few about who will put the WOHP on punishment shifts or manage them out for taking SPL or compassionate leave.

I worked for one once, and they weren't above falsifying records to make agreed family emergencies look like unauthorised absence.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 22:34

That's nice if you have a job that pays you for that kind of leave, but in the real world, a lot of places don't, so you have to suck it up.

polyhymnia · 19/09/2014 22:49

Agree. If you've agreed that one of you will be a SAHM and the other do paid work the one working outside home shouldn't do anything to jeopardise the family income and shouldn't be expected to stay at home with no warming except for serious illness.

polyhymnia · 19/09/2014 22:49

Warning!

Hakluyt · 19/09/2014 23:05

I think if the OP had asked whether she was unreasonable to expect her dh to look after their child when she was ill, then she might have got a different answer.

I would have to be very ill indeed before I expected my Dp to take time off work to look after me. But if I was suffering from proper flu or something, I would expect him to see if he could get time off to look after our children. Or help find someone else to step in.

combust22 · 19/09/2014 23:15

I wouldn't expect my OH to take a day off. His employers take a dim view if he takes sick time off himself, taking a day off to look after me would be out of the question.
I think this goes with the territory being a s SAHM.

I had a 6 month old, a 2 year old and me all sick with chicken pox at the same time. I had to crawl around to attend to the kids, I couldn't stand up I was so poorly. OH had no choice but to go to work.

cerealqueen · 19/09/2014 23:19

I imagine you are into the bone sapping tiredness and feeling ill. Horrible.

Your DP won't take a day off because he doesn't want to, as it will look bad.

Soldier through it, and just remember it when he is sick next.

SoonToBeSix · 19/09/2014 23:31

You are wrong about your dh being paid op. Parental leave us unpaid and needs 21 days notice. If your child is sick you can get the day off either unpaid or annual leave but have 24 hours to arrange alternative care.

LizLimone · 20/09/2014 01:00

Do you have a friend or anyone who could take your DD for a few hours while you rest? It's a bit much to expect your DH to take a whole day off when you're ill unless you've been hospitalized or something. He should make an effort to get home early / on time and take care of your DD when he is there though.

In the past I used an on-call nanny service once when DS had a horrible vomiting bug and I got it from him 24 hours later, up all night puking and DH away on business so no option. In general though you just soldier on as a SAHM and if DCs watch a bit too much TV for a couple of days it's not the end of the world. I'm 7 months pregnant now and have been lucky to not have a bad pg so far. I had a dire sinus infection early in pregnancy though and that was grim. TV was much availed of for a while at that point!

DaisyFlowerChain · 20/09/2014 09:05

I think it would have to be something pretty serious to have the worker stay home when there is a SAHP there like hospital treatment etc. The luxury of being a SAHP is that you don't have to work or have no boss to answer too so sick days can be as lazy as they need to be.

Just get him to make sandwiches for lunch before he leaves so that food is taken care of.

DancingDinosaur · 20/09/2014 09:08

Yanbu op. If you are feeling really really rubbish then your dh needs to step in.

furcoatbigknickers · 20/09/2014 09:09

Sorry to hear your ill, its tough being pregnant snd having a toddler. I think you just have to suck it up im afraid, unless you need to be in hospital, your dh needs to be ag wirk.

hiccupgirl · 20/09/2014 09:12

I'm on the fence about this tbh as it would be lovely if your DH could easily take a day off to help you but it does sound like it would be difficult for him and your 2 yr old will be fine on the sofa with the TV for a couple of days.

I had a couple of horrendous sickness bugs when DS was around 1 and there was now way DH could take any time off so it was just get on with it. And we had one awful weekend when both DH and I had tonsillitis that eventually needed antibiotics. We have no family nearby so ipwe had to take turns to look after DS then 2.5 for 4 hr stretches while the other one slept. It was grim and DS was awful but we got through it.

Welshwabbit · 20/09/2014 09:15

OP I think someone has already said this above but employees do have the right to take a reasonable amount of time off to care for dependants (which includes a spouse or a child). This can be to provide assistance where a dependant falls ill or because of the unexpected disruption of arrangements for the care of a child. Section 57a of the Employment Rights Act 1996.

JustALittleBitLost · 20/09/2014 09:20

YANBU. Why on earth shouldn't your DH take a day off work to look after his own child? As other have said, that is what happens in households where two parents work and childcare falls through, or the child is too ill to go to childcare/school.

Dads who say 'it's impossible for me to take a day off work' are not only exploiting their partners, they are pissing all over other parents in the workplace who have no choice but to take an unplanned day off once in a while.

Ron99 · 20/09/2014 09:22

You have the luxury of being a SAHM and your partner is the only earner in the family. You have decided to have another child. The day to day childcare is something you have opted to do you just need to deal with it. He can take the pressure off you when he is at home but YABU to expect him to stay home and look after you. If you were hospitalised then him staying home for the child would be a different matter.

Chunderella · 20/09/2014 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

houseofstark · 20/09/2014 09:31

YANBU and I'm really shocked at the number of martyrs on here.

In my view, if you are sick enough that you wouldn't be going to a paid job outside the home if you had one, then that's sick enough that DP has to look after his own DC.

Only you know how sick you are and whether that's the case or not.

Hope you feel better soon.

rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 09:36

How is it martrying? The child is being fed and having a few telly days?

Leave days are limited and should be used when it's a real emergency.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/09/2014 09:41

I'm more surprised about the term 'SAHP' being described as a luxury life choice

But seriously, I hope you're feeling a bit better today OP and your husband is giving you lots of TLC. There were days when I was pregnant that I could barely open my eyes and get out of bed as I was so ill, I can't imagine what it must be like to have a toddler to care for too - I know for a fact there is no way I could have done it and would have gone mental at my DH if he told me to just "suck it up" whilst he went to work and left me to to it....

rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 09:45

Gees, I did it and worked full-time, Writer. Some people cannot afford otherwise.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/09/2014 09:48

You did what?

Writerwannabe83 · 20/09/2014 09:48

You did what?

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