Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be massively pissed off with my DP re:friends wedding

84 replies

espressotogo · 17/09/2014 23:16

We were invited to a friends wedding - evening reception, months ago - we accepted and it is next Friday eve. I mentioned it on the phone this eve ( he is away tonight but has known when it is for months)and he ummed and ah he'd and said 'oh we'll have to see about that' apparently dss may get selected for trials for a league 2 football club and dps ex is out on that night for her birthday so DP might have to take him. There are other people DP could get to take him ie: mil or sil but he would quite like to be there. Aibu to think the longstanding wedding invite which we accepted should be the priority ?

OP posts:

WrigleysBum · 17/09/2014 23:20

What the ex is doing, who else could take dss...all irrelevant.
He wants to take his son. I would too, and would have no qualms at ditching the evening do.
Your friends will have the day they wanted whether your dp is there or not.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 17/09/2014 23:20

I can see both sides. You had plans first but TBH if that happened to my DS I'd want to be there too. In fact I dint think wild horses would stop me.

Firmly on the fence.

Stirrup · 17/09/2014 23:23

Is there a way of doing both? Guessing a wedding will go on later than a football trial? He could meet you there.

Username12345 · 17/09/2014 23:23

Son beats wedding do IMO.

onedev · 17/09/2014 23:24

I'd want to be there for my child too, sorry Op!

Bogeyface · 17/09/2014 23:24

Difficult.

On the one hand I can understand that he would want to be there. Sports and school stuff can often be fairly short notice whereas things like wedding etc are not. Given then choice between something important to the kids and a wedding then I would pick the kids.

However......if that was me then I would say "Oh bugger it is DS's X that night too. I really need to be there, I forgot they were on the same day when I got the letter. What about you go early doors and I will meet you when the trial is over?" So offering a solution rather than just "we will see".

Where will the DS's be if there mother is away? Would they have been coming to the wedding with you? Is it his access weekend?

Bogeyface · 17/09/2014 23:24

Also, do you have kids?

Bogeyface · 17/09/2014 23:25

Oh typos, bad grammar blah blah. Long day, sorry!

AlleyCat11 · 17/09/2014 23:26

I know it's crap, but the reality is that your friend's wedding is not that interesting for him. Taking his son to a footie trial, however, is very exciting. It's a bonding thing too, if they no longer live together. Something he won't get the chance to do again. Also the lad wants his dad there, not his granny! I would think of the boy in this case. Go to the wedding by yourself & enjoy a night away without your man. If he goes, it will be with a heavy heart...

PumpkinBones · 17/09/2014 23:26

To be honest, I can understand it, especially as it is the evening - I would feel really awkward if it was the day, not least because a probably quite expensive meal would have been paid for by the bride and groom! But an evening reception is a bit different, plus it is your friend and you will be there....

Seriouslyffs · 17/09/2014 23:29

Go on your own.

Bogeyface · 17/09/2014 23:34

I have just re read and realised that this isnt a school thing but a proper bona fide L2 club. He cant miss that and tbh I am not sure he would forgive you if you insisted he did.

Imagine you being in the final of.....Bake Off or Mastermind or whatever and him saying he couldnt be there because of his friends wedding. You would be gutted, thats nothing to how he and his son would feel.

dreamerdoer · 17/09/2014 23:43

Really rude to accept a wedding invite then back out. He shouldn't have glibly accepted without checking he could make it. But now its done, so just have to try to make the best of it as you can't demand he doesn't do this with his kid.

SweetsForMySweet · 17/09/2014 23:46

YAB slightly U. He wants to be there for a possibly very big moment in his ds's life. It is important to both of them. Imo, it is more important than the evening wedding invite especially if he isn't very close to the couple getting married. Could you go without him or are you more annoyed because he is choosing to go with his ds rather than you. He is not doing this to help out his ex, he is doing it to support his ds.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2014 23:47

Trials for a League 2 football club? His son will want his dad to be there.

YellowTulips · 17/09/2014 23:47

I fear this will not go well for you OP.

However I feel for you.

I can't even begin to count how many plans have been disrupted because DSD or her Mum have changed minds or forgotten something and DH has had to alter arrangements that impact me and DS.

I know it can be hugely frustrating but this is life as a step mum/partner to someone with kids from a previous relationship.

On the flip side, I get the benefit of knowing my lovely DSD and it's been a privilege to be part of her life.

There will always be conflicts like this and you can't spend your life being bitter/cross about it.

My rational is simple - if my DH wasn't the sort of man who put his kids first (DSD and DS) I wouldn't have ever married him.

So in your place I'd let my friend know I'll have to come alone and give her the chance to offer the wedding place to someone else. If that's not an option I would offer to reimburse her for the wasted place.

Then (feeling guilt free in respect of friends and DH not turning up) I'd get my glad rags on and enjoy a night out by myself and have a great time free of DH and the kids (much as I love them all) .

flowery · 17/09/2014 23:48

YABU, a friends wedding evening do should not take priority over a football trial.

BackforGood · 17/09/2014 23:49

I can see the dilemma.
Generally, for an evening, it's not such a big 'thing' as a daytime guest, in terms of numbers.
That said, I generally go by the 'first on the calendar' rule
but the exceptions are if it's something that could be massively important for one of the dc, that isn't something that could be done at a more convenient time.

I would go to wedding without him and see if it finishes in time to join you there later.

flowery · 17/09/2014 23:49

No way would I go to a wedding and let a relative take DS1 if he had a trial for a league 2 club.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 17/09/2014 23:52

Your DS's trial at a football club vs an evening invitation to a wedding.

they aren't even comparable...YABU sorry

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2014 23:55

That's a very important thing to a child

I would support my son too

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 17/09/2014 23:56

Can you imagine the look on your DSS's face...
"yeah, i know you've got a trial at a football club but I've got an evening invitation to my girlfriend's friend's wedding on a Friday Your auntie can take you"

Sorry - I know it's a pain but really, the DSS has priority here.

PepsiTwirl · 18/09/2014 00:05

Children should come first!

End of!

Original poster

espressotogo · 18/09/2014 06:43

Thanks for the comments, I agree that kids should come first, I suppose I was just upset because we were invited so long ago and it's short notice to pull out of what, for our friends, is an important event. Also feel it's a bit crap if it's cost our friends money and they can't give the seats to someone else because it's so close. I don't want to go on my own because I won't know that many people and it might be even more difficult to get one replacement guest rather than a couple.
Yes I do have kids, one dd and we have a ds together - it's good to hear an objective perspective and I will respect DPs wishes and not carry on the rant I started with him over it ! Of course he wants to be there - I would.
I'll just have to apologise and get friends a nice pressie rather than drag him to an event which neither of us will enjoy because he rather be with Dss.
He can't do both because dss lives 2 hours away - they do see each other 3 times a week because DP works in that area and stays down there with mil but it's not the same as living with them so I suppose these things are even more important

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 18/09/2014 06:47

Hang on, you now intend to pull out of going? Yabu about that, he has a legitimate reason but if I were your friend if be really upset. Her losing the price of one meal is better than two.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread