Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be massively pissed off with my DP re:friends wedding

84 replies

espressotogo · 17/09/2014 23:16

We were invited to a friends wedding - evening reception, months ago - we accepted and it is next Friday eve. I mentioned it on the phone this eve ( he is away tonight but has known when it is for months)and he ummed and ah he'd and said 'oh we'll have to see about that' apparently dss may get selected for trials for a league 2 football club and dps ex is out on that night for her birthday so DP might have to take him. There are other people DP could get to take him ie: mil or sil but he would quite like to be there. Aibu to think the longstanding wedding invite which we accepted should be the priority ?

OP posts:
WiseGuysHighRise · 18/09/2014 09:55

I'm glad you've come to the conclusion you have OP. Hope you have a great time at the do and DSS has fun at the trials.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 18/09/2014 10:11

Good for you OP. Have a great time.

cingolimama · 18/09/2014 12:12

Good on you OP, for seeing the light. Have an extra glass of champagne at the reception and pat yourself on the back for being a gracious person.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 18/09/2014 12:43

You now what, OP, reasonable people like you who take advice and find solutions really shouldn't post in AIBU, it's just not in the spirit of the thread.

Just joking.

Hope you have a good time at the wedding.

And I really hope DSS gets selected.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 18/09/2014 12:44

Tcha!

I meant know, obviously!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 18/09/2014 12:58

Absolutely, I agree with Abbie 100%

Coming on to AIBU, being told "why yes, you are being unreasonable", taking the sensible advice, and seeing the event in a new and more positive light, goes completely against the whole AIBU ethos!

You should be stomping your foot and demanding dp do what you want no matter what we say :o

Or you could, you know, go and enjoy a lovely evening, and wish dp well, and have a lovely relationship too...

magoria · 18/09/2014 13:12

This is massive for his DS and I think he should be there.

However I doubt these things are arranged last minute so he should have told you as soon as he knew. Not left it until you next brought it up in conversation.

What if you hadn't mentioned it and were unaware of the change!

Original poster
espressotogo · 18/09/2014 17:01

I think that was my gripe really, DP has previous for telling me things last minute. His rationale is that the later he tells me, the less time I have to go mad about it - not getting it that the reason I get annoyed is precisely because he doesn't tell me in advance.
For example, he once told me last minute that he was going on a rugby weekend with DSS 2 days before they were due to go ! I was furious not because they were going but because, had I known in advance, I could have arranged to do something nice with the kids. In the end I managed to arrange a weekend in a safari tent in Cornwall with them ( I'm no wuss!) so we all had a good time - I had no issue with the weekend away - just the lack of notice.
However, when I blow my top because he has done it yet again he will say 'See ! That's why I don't tell you ' - missing the point entirely !
To be fair, in this instance he probably did only just find out but that's what he always says !
It's not definite that DSS will be selected but fingers crossed ! And yes I am glad that he is the type of dad that puts his kids first but a bit more communication wouldn't go amiss :)

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 18/09/2014 17:23

I think it's fine for him to spend the time with his son instead of at the wedding, but that IS annoying about being told things at the last minute.

'his rationale is that the later he tells me, the less time I have to go mad about it' would severely piss me off too. Maybe you need to sort that out?

MeDented · 18/09/2014 17:53

i also think its great that you came on here fizzing, listened and backed down and had the good grace to realise you were wrong. your husband is a lucky man. good luck for the football trials and I hope you find a friend to go with you to the wedding & have a fab girlie noght out instead

musicalendorphins2 · 18/09/2014 19:01

I am confused. I don't live in the UK and am not a sport fan, so someone explain what is so important about this football club tryout?
And if it is so important, why is the mother of the boy still going on a night out for her birthday? And, are we talking about a teenager? Thank-you.

musicalendorphins2 · 18/09/2014 19:09

Never mind, doesn't matter.

Bowlersarm · 18/09/2014 19:11

I'm going to be a lone voice here. A football trial is only a trial. He'll be asked back again if he's any good. His grandparents can take him there for the first session. Its not like dss will miss put. His dad can take him for the next session if hes called back, or to other clubs if they want to look at him.

YANBU in being pissed off OP.

YakInAMac · 18/09/2014 19:26

Yeah, that's the logic Bowlersarm, and a view taken by the lad's mother but I don't know a single man with a football orientated son who would take this view.

A boy from DC's primary tried out for a league club's youth team and the whole school (boys) was in a state of nerves / excitement / hysteria for the whole week.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 18/09/2014 21:07

He'll be asked back again if he's any good.

But won't if he isn't. Only going to the second round sends the message that you're only interested if they succeed.

NoodleOodle · 18/09/2014 21:14

My non resident daddy came to ALL of my sporting events, and there were many. It mattered to me so much.

I went to all of my DDs sporting events. I hope she will remember me being there when she's older, but even if she doesn't, it was important to me.

Let him go without any protest.

NoodleOodle · 18/09/2014 21:17

Oops, should have read the whole thread... Apologies.

AlpacaMyBags · 18/09/2014 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 18/09/2014 21:40

Musical it's the first rung on the ladder to a professional soccer career. You get into the youth programme of a professional club and go on from there.

Momagain1 · 18/09/2014 21:50

This isnt even a blame his ex kind of thing that some people seem to think it is. This sort of trials is a BFD, and the sort of thing that probably couldnt be planned for (even now it is only at the could happen stage) and as children get older, with any luck this sort of thing happens. It is a potentially life changing event, and trumps everything short of a death in the immediate family.

Your friend might be slightly miffed, but every male in the wedding party will think it is obvious that he must be with his son.

Why dont you go ahead and find a substitute plus one, another girlfriend maybe, and let him plan to be with his son that night, regardless.

ChillySundays · 18/09/2014 21:59

No one has suggested that the mum cancels birthday plans to take the son. Weddings trump birthdays as far as I am concerned. He is being called selfish but what about her?

OwlCapone · 18/09/2014 22:05

She was.

Surely she should prioritise her son over an evening out

ChillySundays · 18/09/2014 22:14

The mother isn't prioritising - she is not prepared to cancel a night out to take the son yet the dad is being slagged of for the same thing

Bowlersarm · 18/09/2014 22:29

Agree Chilly. His mum can't take him because it's her birthday. The assumption is that she would take him otherwise, so instead her ex is taking him. Even though he's accepted a wedding invitation.

It's a trial. This could go on for years. There could be weeks of trialling. if hes taken on there will be nights of training, weekends of training, nights and weekends of matches.

The OP may as well not organise anything for her to do with her DP if he's planning to attend all of that.

Original poster
espressotogo · 18/09/2014 23:30

His ex is very inflexible when it comes to changing DPs regular access times - not that we ask very often - we rarely go out on our own . However she does expect him to drop everything when she, for example, decides to go away for the weekend or overnight with her BF. Fridays are DPs regular nights anyway and there is no way she would change to accommodate a wedding we were going to - even if it wasn't her birthday.
If it wasn't for the trial he would have just changed the night with his DS - DSS is 14 and usually sees his friends the same night too so sometimes DP is just there to taxi him around which he doesn't mind because he is his dad - he could get his DM to do it so that we could go to the wedding . That said, I think I'd want to go if it was my DS doing the trial but each to his own.
At this point we still don't know if he's been selected - surely they would give at least a weeks notice ?

OP posts: