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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my niece should be allowed to wear makeup to school.

337 replies

PiperIsOrange · 16/09/2014 19:47

DN came home rather upset today after being told makeup is banned in school. She doesn't wear a lot just some foundation and clear lipgloss.

The reason she likes to wear it is because it covers all her spots, in the summer holiday she didn't wear any. My sister has taken her to the doctors and tried every OTC lotions and potions but nothing works.

It really boost her confidence and now she is dreading school because of these spots.

I have been to her school to collect school reports as dsis due to work commitments and have seen many teachers wearing makeup, so I assume it's a policy for pupils only.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 16/09/2014 22:14

Thanks MollyHooper I am used to much worse from the teenagers I work with.

Water off a ducks back - to be honest my pack of wipes last for about a year as I am not that bothered if I don't notice it.

Nail varnish I will sort out - and I also stick to the rule of not wearing it - which isn't in my dress code but can't be bothered with the moaning - only time I broke that rule was in the lead up to my wedding when I had gels to help grow the nails.

But hey I know I am sad - but aren't all teachers Hmm

ILovePud · 16/09/2014 22:18

I feel so bad for your niece, I hope she can get a more effective treatment soon. It's such a shame that you think her self esteem may plummet if she's not allowed to go to school with makeup on. I'd say that along with all the advice you've got here on how to treat and cover up her acne and telling her she is beautiful it's extra important to be giving her messages about the other things you love about her. Someone who's self esteem rests on their looks is in a precarious position and sadly teenage girls get so many messages about the importance of beauty, please don't, with the best of intentions, get wrapped up in reassuring her she's physically beautiful and inadvertently reinforce those messages. I'm sure she's so much more.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 16/09/2014 22:21

Of course DCs have to do exams, but why it matters at all what they wear, what colour their hair is or wether they are in trainers I just don't know.

Personally my feminist edges are a bit ambivalent about make up. On the one hand I don't see why girls (or boys) shouldn't wear it if it's their choice, but I don't like the idea of girls feeling they have to to conform to some ideal of correct feminine behaviour.

Meglet · 16/09/2014 22:21

She should be allowed to use concealer for her spots. Poor girl must feel so vulnerable Sad. yanbu.

Ionacat · 16/09/2014 22:25

I worked at a school where we didn't allow make up in years 7 and 8, but at the end of year 8, the body shop came in and showed the girls how to apply make up properly e.g. no orange faces! Year 9 and above were allowed subtle make up. A little bit of tinted moisturiser is not going to be noticed, it will be the bright orange faces, thick black eye liner and glittery eyeshadow that will be frowned upon. The reason they would have said no make up is that the interpretation of subtle can be vague. It may also be worth having a word with Head of year or form tutor and finding out why the rule has changed. As if it was because girls were looking like they were going to nightclubs, they'll probably say that if it is unnoticeable then some foundation/moisturiser is fine.

specialsubject · 16/09/2014 22:26

news; she can't vote either, or legally have sex. Both are privileges that the teachers have.

gingee · 16/09/2014 22:26

Saying 'all teenagers have spots' is silly and minimising the niece's distress. They don't ALL have acne, some people never suffer with their skin at all. My sister suffered terribly with acne, my parents used to say ' oh but everyone gets spots don't be so silly!' She used to cry every night when she washed her face and looked in the mirror. It wasn't just unsightly, it can be painful and itchy. If a child had excema or another skin condition you couldn't just tell them 'all people get skin conditions sometimes'. It wasn't until she basically broke down in hysterics, and admit she felt like she didn't want to be alive anymore, that they took it seriously. I don't think you could accuse someone of just being a 'typical teen' after saying that.

OP - get a GP appointment made for your niece, go with her and get her to be honest. Not wearing makeup either so they can see her skin, maybe take it in the car so she can put it on after if she's really low. She might be embarrassed or emotional or sullen but tell her to be totally honest and say you want it sorting. Then take her for a gigantic Starbucks and a girly chat. Smile Duac is good and there are stronger things to move on to. I don't know where you live, but if you're near a city with a Harvey Nichols or a big House of Fraser there's a brand called Cover FX. My best friend has a facial scar and they are experts at covering anything like that, esp acne even mild to moderate they'll be so helpful. I went with her to the counter once when shopping and they were doing a girls makeup she was about 13 and they were just doing a bit of foundation and setting powder and blush, then you buy the products. She was crying her eyes out because it looked fab and she was really suffering with her skin. It's pricey but all natural and lets your skin breathe my friend swears by it. I use their bb cream.

Anyway I'm so sorry to ramble but there are ways to sort this your niece doesn't have to just put up with it!!! Bless her. Sometimes I don't think people realise how it can affect them. Yes it might seem vain and self absorbed but others can be cruel and it's a hard time this growing up lark!

Ionacat · 16/09/2014 22:28

Also I got so fed up of making girls clean the orange/thick black lines off their faces, I made them bring their make up in one tutor time and gave them a make up lesson in how to apply the stuff so that I wouldn't notice and have to deal with it! Never had to ask them to clean their faces again.

itsbetterthanabox · 16/09/2014 22:28

No not all teachers are sad. Not all rigidly enforce petty, nonsensical rules. Just get on with teaching. It really don't matter if they have makeup on.

FantasticMrsFoxInHeels · 16/09/2014 22:30

she should be allowed foundation but that's it no gloss or anything else

DogCalledRudis · 16/09/2014 22:32

The problem with teenage girls is that they abuse make-up.
The key of proper everyday make-up is that it looks natural and doesn't scream "look, i'm using make-up!"

gingee · 16/09/2014 22:36

Ionacat you sound ace !!

I remember once, I had this form teacher I idolised, he was really funny and I had a crush on him tbh. I was about 13 and just experimenting with a bit of my moms mascara and those Smackers tinted lip balms. Nothing else. But one day I got brave and decided I'd put a nice clip in my hair and put actual eyeliner on my waterline (not on eyelid just under so it really wasn't too bad). Anyway he took not look at me and went 'for Gods sake, what have you got on your face! Get it off now! Eurgh, it looks terrible! Why are you girls always putting rubbish on your faces?' As I walked away he muttered 'silly bloody girls in this school'. I was DEVASTATED! Ha it sounds silly but the way he said it was so hideously condescending and humiliating, I felt literally reduced to a 'silly girl' who was about an inch tall.

Noodledoodledoo · 16/09/2014 22:37

Itsbetterthanabox

I do 'get on with the teaching' the progress of my students prove that, but part of my job is ensuring that the students in my care are also taught that rules should be followed.

The students who I have to correct never have an issue as I do it with a sense of humour - one of my form I had a constant dialogue with her throughout her time at school regarding her skirt as it was constantly rolled up so asked her to roll it down daily. At her prom she had a full length dress on and I told her to roll it up! She told me to roll mine down!

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 16/09/2014 22:39

Thanks for the supportive messages.

I do apologise to any teachers I may have offended.

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 16/09/2014 22:41

'have seen many teachers wearing makeup, so I assume it's a policy for pupils only.'

Yup, we grown ups get to have different rules to the children we teach.
We can wear high heels and don't have to wear school uniform either.
I'm always astounded that it's considered unfair by a number of other adults.

DownByTheRiverside · 16/09/2014 22:41

x-post OP.

NoodleOodle · 16/09/2014 23:02

I think you should go for a three pronged attack-

visit gp, start following treatment program and ask for their support for DN to wear concealing makeup. As has been explained by pp acne is not just spots and covering it is important for your DN.

  • get professional makeup advice for cover up makeup and ensure DN is taught how to apply and remove it properly.
-Write to HOY outlining that you have done the above and that DN will be wearing concealing makeup only, as part of an ongoing treatment plan overseen by her GP. Ask for her teachers to be informed so that she isn't accidentally confronted. Thank them and hope the letter is sufficient but if not then happy to come in for a meeting about it.

I understand that schools have rules to be followed but there is a difference in wearing makeup to cover acne, and wearing it to be pretty, where one is for improvement and the other is to try to put you on a level playing field.

louwn · 16/09/2014 23:02

I wore make up from the age of about 12 or 13 and school didn't really notice as it wss subtle but helped my confidence re spots etc loads! I think it is completely normal fpr a 14 year old to wear make up but on mumsnet it seems there are a lot of adult women who don't bother which I find pretty odd.

BOFster · 16/09/2014 23:12

Very good plan from Noodle.

WyrdByrd · 16/09/2014 23:17

I don't think you can argue the case that teachers are allowed to wear it Smile , but I do think YANBU and a lot of posters on this thread seem to have forgotten what it's like to be a teen!

Fwiw my 10 to DD is going through early puberty and has quite bad spots on her forehead.

After a few weeks of her pinching mine, I've bought her a concealer stick of her own and shown her how to apply it properly. She has a fringe so it's not obvious fortunately but I can understand why she wants to have the option.

Obviously I'd prefer it if she wasn't going through any of this at her age, but I'd certainly rather encourage good skin care and a bit of a make up than her have to take medication, although as they are now & given DH's previous issues with severe acne I can imagine it will be necessary at some point Sad .

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 16/09/2014 23:36

I do support the school as I sent mine to a school that teaches kids and doesn't enforce rules that actually don't exist In the adult world either.

The vast majority of adults don't wear a uniform to work and can wear makeup.

Petty stupid rules are petty and stupid across the board.

Teachers have enough to go without having to enforce rubbish like this.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 16/09/2014 23:37

And isn't applying makeup badly and having dodgy hair what teens are supposed to do.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 16/09/2014 23:46

louwn I agree and wouldn't be seen dead without makeup. Grin

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 16/09/2014 23:51

In school my mum supported my oldest sister year group in changing the uniform policy to allow girls to wear trousers. My mum was the voice and it was changed.

My niece is very good at applying make up.

OP posts:
BOFster · 17/09/2014 00:17

I don't think you'd win a fight over policy, but you could make an individual case for a medical condition. Why bite off more than you can chew? There aren't many schools prepared to open the floodgates with a blanket Yes to make-up, for all sorts of very sensible reasons.