Tell me your honest to god experiences with your newborn

[Mitsufishi]

I am going through hell for the third time around with a newborn.

Everyone says 'sleep when they skeep'. But how? Mine would never sleep, in bed, on me, maybe in a buggy or sling if in constant motion. They all went on to be horrific sleepers so 'this too' did not pass.

My mother says 'all newborns are like that, people who say otherwise are lying'. So it's just me who can't cope then?

Honestly tell me, what was your experience with a newborn. Because I have friends who seem to have had it easy and have seen evidence of it. My mother insists people are lying to show off. But I don't think there's such a fashion for that any more and that actually if anything people often tend to make things sound worse than they are these days rather than the other way around. In any case I've seen friends newborns and babies that effortlessly doze off and wonder a thousand times over what I'm doing wrong.

Pistol I had a terrible sleeper from early on and tried Gina out of desperation and a friend's advice. I stuck to it rigidly and persevered for a long time. My DD just did not want to sleep and that was that. She only ever napped for 20 minutes and continued to wake 2 hourly until over a year. She completely refused all day-time sleep by about 16 months. I truly and honestly believe that if it works it is because your baby was likely to settle into that kind of routine naturally.

As it happens nothing else worked either - she didn't want to be picked up and cuddled and feeding sent her to sleep but the second I took her off the boob she was awake again.

Am very soon due DC2 and my main aim this time is to never pick up any kind of book or read sleep advice full stop as I'm quite sure it added to the stress and feelings of being a failure when it didn't work.

Captain, that's awful. Did she sleep only two-hourly through the night, too? Did you try a late feed or formula ever? Did she eat well or was that erratic, too? I'm sorry you were made to feel a failure; it sounds like you worked tremendously hard to keep yourself and your baby happy.

Gina Ford does acknowledge that there are babies out there who need very little sleep (and some that need masses). Congratulations on expanding your family

Yes sorry 2 hourly referred to the night-time. Late feed with expressed milk was possible for about a month and then she refused bottles. In any case it never made any different to how long she slept. She ate well when on solids and continued to sleep badly. She is now 3 and a half and has just started to sleep through the night fairly consistently. She's just not a very good sleeper and has continued to wake for various reasons since a baby e.g. vivid dreams more recently. I just don't think there's a method that could possible work with all, or even most babies. I wish I'd never tried GF as I was uncomfortable with a lot of it and it was completely ridiculous waking her up from naps/morning sleeps etc. in the early days to establish the routine when if I'd just left her be then perhaps things would have worked out better. Not a fan as you can see but I'm also aware it works for some people and also think that attachment style parenting wouldn't have worked for us either.

My DD kept waking up frequently (every 2 to 5 hours) up to two years old. Co sleeping and bf lying down were survival strategies for me, to cope with her lack of need to sleep and my reluctance to leave her to cry in distress. The Dr J Gordon method worked for us at 2yo to help her start sleeping but I think it was more a case of her being ready for the method to work than the method itself being so successful.

On the subject of pseudo science I've never been able to find any evidence that there is such a thing as the ability to self sooth or when it might emerge or what might encourage or discourage it.

pistol You're seriously misinformed if you think it is all down to you following a routine from a book. It worked for you and your baby but some babies are harder work than others and it doesn't solely come down to a routine or lack thereof.

Quite frankly, you do what your baby allows you to get away with.

I tried GF but didn't get along with it. I got along with the EASY routine as their awake time lengths worked for my DS. It also promotes healthy sleep habits. I like routine and DS seems to like it now too.

My experience is that the newborn phase is just something to survive. I too have many friends who lived newborn cuddles and breastfeeding etc. I struggled to breastfeed and was exhausted and tearful. I also found newborns voting and unrewarding. I didn't fall in love with my baby at first sight, it grew gradually every day.
On the other hand, I love having a toddler. DD is now 2 and we are ttc #2. All I can think is I can't wait until #2 is no longer a newborn and the good bit starts!

Mine slept terribly, had really bad colic, never slept in his cot and didn't let me do anything that wasn't holding him 24/7

Hit a massive brick wall at about 8 weeks and just couldn't do it anymore

I switched to ff, started taking antidepressants, co slept, put him to sleep on his front, stopped trying to be perfect with the housework, relaxed, enjoyed.

GF didn't work for me. I think it clashed with bf and messed with my supply. Three in a bed worked for me but understand cosleeping isn't for everyone.

Babies are individuals and there is no getting away from the fact that it is a genetic lottery for us all. The gruelling time of babies not sleeping is actually comparatively brief - as were my screaming fits aged 18m which my parents remembered; apparently I just wouldn't stop and neighbours got to wondering.
My dread was that a child turned out to be unkind - the sort who pull the legs off insects and torment animals. What if I would have a 'Thomas' (Old Harry's Game) and would have to wrestle with the thought that I had a moral obligation not to inflict my child on an unsuspecting world?

Be kind and know that it will not last very long - but also try to figure what it is that is causing the distress. Years later my screaming might have been due to a spinal condition. Are there any painkillers that they give to children in hospital that could be used at home - if it worked it would at least show if there was pain surely? I suspect that pain management in children is an underdeveloped area of medicine (probably because of the Thalidomide tragedy). Practically, try 'Mindfulness' as it is a powerful perspective changing tool for stress. All the best to you and your little one.

Same as La Queen, DD looked like a little doll, huge long eyelashes, rosebud mouth, cute as anything, but screamed and screamed and screamed for 3 months solidly, I hated my life and couldn't take her anywhere. She's now a laid back, happy, 9 year old. DS was marginally better, didn't scream so much, he's now a difficult 8 year old with ASD and ADHD

I just came on here to ask about crying babies so this thread is making me feel better!

I have a 3 week old third child. She cries ALOT and evenings are horrific. She never seems to just lie there looking about. She is screaming now and I am feeling really low.

She DOES sleep, so a slightly different problem. But needs feeding to sleep and wont go down until about 11. And sleep in the day is patchy.

Is it true that newborns cry alot? Like, most of the time? I can't remember with my first two, even though it was only 3.5 and 5.5 years ago!

Put the work in and you'll get results.

I would be offended PistolWhipped, but honestly, the idea that those of us with unputdownable babies or bad sleepers just haven't bothered putting in any work is just too funny to mind. All hail your superior parenting!

OP - I don't think all newborns are like that but some definitely are. Mine slept pretty well at nights - was doing six hours/feed/three hours at about 5 weeks old - but during the day she just would not be put down, sleeping or waking. You he to be holding her and most of the time you had to be moving too. Wouldn't nap in the car seat (just yelled), wouldn't nap in the pram (ditto), I couldn't even feed her lying down then sneak away, she had to be held all. the. time. For months. (She is now 6mo and just started napping in her pram this week, hallelujah.)

At the same time I had friends whose newborns could be put down when they started getting tired, and they'd just go to sleep. By themselves! I was half jealous and half convinced it was sorcery.

My mother had one non-sleeping velcro baby (me) and two who slept pretty decently from the start. As adults my brothers still need more sleep than me, and can sleep through anything while I'll wake up if a pin drops, so I think it's just who we are.

DD1 - as you say. No sleep unless moving.

DD2 - so far (3 weeks). Sleeps. In cribs, baskets and prams. Tis weird for us!

Oh OP, hang on in there

To answer your question: with DS it was nightmarish (except with no time for nightmares). I remember thinking, at the time, that I'd rather go through the most painful bit of labour for 3 weeks solid than go through the first 3 weeks at home again.

DD, less nightmarish. But still pretty awful.

You're definitely not alone.

Pistol I am very far from an attachment parent. I am with you on controlled crying/crying down. I am with you on routine. I tried GF.

BUT none of this was going to work for DD while she had painful wind and a never-full tummy caused by (as it turned out) tongue tie. Other babies have other issues (like reflux, neck pain, allergy issues, or just not being quite as developed when they are born) which mean these tactics just will not work. And wouldn't be appropriate.

So to talk as if anyone could do what you did is just wrong. Yes Gina Ford may work but only if your baby has no problems at all (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and only if they need an "average" amount of sleep and food. I'd say a lot of babies don't meet these criteria.

Your mum's forgotten. By our third I was sooooo tired. DH was working away part of the week and I was a zombie. It's just about survival - sleeping at week-ends, sleeping when they sleep . A year or so on it was great though and three's a great number .

I stopped going to those pointless baby classes because of all the mothers there with their,'Oh, he's slept thought since the first week!' 'Well Felicity has ALWAYS slept through the night.' 'Really? Tarquin has never even been awake, at all, except for feeds and his piano lessons, and he's 5 months old!' etc. I went home with my non-sleeping baby and whilst bouncing her around the kitchen read an article in which Victoria Beckham was reported to say something along the lines if,'Of course I look a bit ropey - I've got a baby who doesn't sleep!' I remember thinking,'Fuck me! Me and Posh are the only women in the world with babies that don't sleep!'

It is the only time I have ever had anything in common with Victora Beckham (who I previously had no time for) and it was such a relief. If I ever meet her, I would love to tell her that what she said cheered me right up when I was feeling really low.

(I can never admit this to anyone in RL as they all think I spend my time reading improving books and broadsheet newspapers rather than loitering about with my nose in Grazia magazine).

3 children, and I demand fed all of them which meant 3 hrs sleep at a time was a blessing, pretty much until they were weaned and started sleeping longer. I lowered my expectations so basically if I was dressed and had food in fridge I was happy. Actually I was a slightly hysterical zombie ( if that's possible?!) until they were about 1. Can't imagine if I had needed to go back to work before then, luckily I didn't. Don't listen or compare yourself to anyone else, cos it will drive you mad! Do whatever feels right for you and your family.

I have five and none of them ever slept. When they were babies I would say the longest they ever slept was about two hours.
Totally exhausting.
They were three before any of them slept.

It's all a blur......
Youngest is 4 now and never,ever again!!

Mine was a velcro baby as a newborn and for the first 7/8 months. We so did try everything to let her 'self settle' but it did.not.work. I hugely regret the amount of time and energy I wasted trying to get a tiny baby to stay asleep on her own in a cot when she did in fact sleep fine when next to me in bed. I was far far too tired and became angry and it just wasn't worth it. I was convinced that I had a high-needs child that would always be hard work. I did not. I had a normal baby! I think that, if you have a good sleeper, it is hard to understand just how deep the Fear runs for parents whose baby doesn't sleep. The fear that you have ruined all of your lives because this surely wasn't meant to be so hard...the fear of going to bed yourself at night because you'll know you'll get no rest all night and will be on edge.

Not looking forward to all this again with DC2...will be investing in a co-sleeper cot. But the only thing I know for sure we did 'wrong' with DC1 was not understanding how overtiredness works. Once we got the hang of getting her to nap by any means necessary regularly throughout the day, things got lots better. A child who will nap in a pram or buggy is a great thing, and so freeing! DC1 became sunny and delightful at around 8-9months. She slept through the night (as in 11/12/13 hours with no wakings) from about 12 months and continued to do so until she was just gone 2. Then we toilet trained and she's been a bit less reliable ever since because of occasional needing to pee etc at night. But still sunny and delightful, and on the whole sleeps really well (and still naps most days at 2.8).

By the way I totally agree that routines are great.
I totally agree that a bit of crying down is absolutely fine.
I totally disagree that if you just persevere for long enough it will work and the child will go to sleep and stay asleep.

Some babies are way more hardcore than that.

Armi I love your post! This is exactly how I felt with DD1. She slept really early, but she would not be put down during the day, I think I inadvertently taught her about night and day since the only way not to be carrying her, was to go for a walk. I could not breastfeed, so expressed for 6 months. The others in my baby group would all be serenely breastfeeding whilst I wrestled with a screaming, baby who would go ballistic if put down at all. Her saving grace was that she slept at night. The other bonus was that I lost loads of weight due to the combination of enforced walking, and expressing and was a size ten for the first time in years!

DD2 was amazing in the day, but screamed all night for 2.5 years. She had ear issues and was in a lot of pain. She sleeps well now though.

DD3 well the jury is still out. She is fairly calm but I have taken to going to bed as soon as my other two are in bed. I did have a period of going to sleep at about 9.30 but my husband snores like mad and keeps me awake even when the baby is asleep. We are having a rough period at the moment. I think he should do something to lose weight and reduce the snoring, he thinks I am being unreasonable. This has resulted in him sleeping on a mattress, on the floor in DD2's room. I can cope with the baby waking as she is, but not with the combination of snoring and baby wakings. I probably have not dealt with it well, but when DH insists of crashing into the room during the longest chunk of sleep I will get all night then disturbing me for the rest of the night, whilst not doing a damned thing to help me with the baby (not sure what he can do she is EBF, but moral support or something would be nice), then I am afraid I am not pleasant. This will either make us or break us, I am just living through it now. He has a hard job, and works long hours, howeve, he does not drive, so I do all the running about after the children, all the night wakings and he gets every single lie in going, including the one he is getting right now. DD3 is 3 months old and starting to cry right now. Newborns are tough going.

Minipie, if you had read upthread properly you would see that I attested to one of the caveats for successful implementation of any routine is to not have a poorly baby or one with tongue tie. I simply don't believe there are a percentage of babies whose genetic makeup means that they won't be put down. Every single one of the women I met in my antenatal classes (or online pregnancy groups) who decided whilst pregnant that they would be putting their baby into a routine, succeeded with Gina Ford. Every single one of them.

If women give in it is because their baby is poorly or because they refuse to listen to their baby cry for any period of time. Also, women with other children in the house (quite understandably) can find Gina Ford impossible. My opinion is that breastfeeders find routine the most insurmountable simply by virtue of the fact that they use their breasts as a pacifier and a method of getting their baby to sleep. This is not wrong, of course, but such sleep associations become a rod for a mother's back when, six months later, her baby refuses to self settle or sleep in his own cot.

Dd slept through from 8 weeks and is usually a great sleeper (bar the occasional disturbed night). However she was very colicky from 6-12 weeks which I'm certain contributed to her wearing herself out with screaming and then just passing out. And I had a hideous pregnancy (I joked I slept better with a newborn than I had for a long time).

I also kept very very quiet about her sleeping pattern to friends with a newborn - I felt incredibly blessed that I had this amazing baby. Oh and we did cc to set a bedtime routine at 6mo. Two nights of upset baby and since then a regular sleep time, a bit of space for us in the evening, and a very happy and sunny little girl.