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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU – new(ish) boyfriend and money

95 replies

Feawen · 09/09/2014 13:03

I recently met a gorgeous, lovely guy online. We’ve been seeing each other for around 3 months, spend time with each other’s friends, attend social events together and are planning a trip across the country to visit his parents. His attitude to life is more laid back than mine but that said he has so far been reliable and thoughtful. Except…

I feel that I’m paying for more than my fair share. I’m not the type to expect the guy to pay for everything – I’m much more comfortable going halves or taking turns. I’m starting to worry though that he is taking the p*ss.

If I pay for something on my debit card he will offer at the time to give me cash later, but it doesn’t materialize. It isn’t lots of money: £15 for a theatre ticket, £20 for dinner, £10 for brunch, over the last 3 weeks. Obviously double that because I’m paying for myself as well. I have a car and he doesn’t, so I always drive (fine – I prefer to take my own car anyway), meaning that when we go somewhere I also pay for fuel and parking. So far I haven’t reminded him that he owes me – should I? Should I have to?

He sometimes gives back, eg he bought cinema tickets the other week, but it was on the understanding that I paid for dinner, which was rather more expensive. I’d be perfectly happy with different kinds of reciprocation– eg if I buy dinner out one evening then the next we stay in but he cooks. So far this hasn’t really happened though.

WIBU to bring this up?

I do earn more than him. To be honest the amount of money isn’t a big deal to me. It’s more the concern that I’m setting up expectations that I’ll always fund everything! And a little bit I worry that I’m being taken for a mug, though that might be paranoia. I’m not very trusting of people generally.

And if I am going to say something – what on earth do I say?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feawen · 09/09/2014 13:04

First message so please be gentle! I should say at the start I don’t have DC so I guess I’m a mumsnet interloper ;). Just someone hoping for some impartial advice.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 09/09/2014 13:07

YANBU no way would I be prepared to let that continue next time you go tell him it's his shout and he back peddles ditch, anyone who never has money or their wallet sounds to me like a trainee cocklodger

atticusclaw · 09/09/2014 13:09

Can you raise it in a more subtle way? So if he suggests going out say "I can't afford it this week." and see whether he offers to pay (and then does in fact pay!).

I would do it this way rather than confront him about it.

I have to say its not a great sign though. Most people in new relationships are at pains to show their good side.

WinifredTheLostDenver · 09/09/2014 13:10

It might be a big deal, it might be forgetfulness.

Next time you drive somewhere, ask him to get the parking as you paid petrol.

Say - "Oh, you were going to give me £20 for those tickets - have you got it on you or shall we pop to a cash point on the way?"

See how he reacts.

Shenanagins · 09/09/2014 13:10

Next time take cash and see what happens.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 09/09/2014 13:11

Agree with coming. Can you say in a light, joking kind of way next time "isn't it about time you paid for once?" and see what his reaction is?
(And conveniently forget your purse/cards too).

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/09/2014 13:12

Let me guess, you will be driving him across the country for him to visit his parents?
He must think he has been very lucky.

combust22 · 09/09/2014 13:14

Don't be a mug OP.

Icelollycraving · 09/09/2014 13:15

It's tricky isn't it? Well,as tricky as you make it. Ask him to book tickets online or take cash & say you forgot your card. If pressed,say you're keeping closer tabs on your spending.

MsVestibule · 09/09/2014 13:17

His attitude to life is more laidback than mine would ring alarm bells for me. There is nothing wrong with being laidback, but if you're already noticing different attitudes, it can spell trouble for the future. Is he more/less ambitious than you in his work? Is he at the stage in life you would expect/hope a potential long term DP to be at his age?

Re the money, that would annoy me - the presumption that because you earn more, you pay more. At this stage, it should be 50/50. If he can't afford to do something, he should say so and you then have the option to treat him or say "OK, we'll do something cheaper or stay in". You know him, how do you think he'd react to a chat about it?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 13:17

He does sound like a trainee cocklodger so beware! I agree with everthing that is said on here! If you drive, then say, I paid for petrol, can you pay for the parking! Or in a restaurant, I paid last time for lunch, your shout today! If there are a bunch of excuses, and I haven't got the money right not, run for the hills, big red flag!

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/09/2014 13:17

pah, dont beat around the bush. Just tell him, that you dont think you can afford to have a boyfriend if he keeps shying away from paying when you go out, you did not quite expect it would dent your budget that much.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/09/2014 13:18

Yes, stop paying for things on your card, or at the very least stop covering his half when you do so.

Any decent person, male or female, would be embarrassed by all this freeloading!!!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 09/09/2014 13:18

It's not a good sign this early on in a relationship, that's for sure.

I would take cash, pay your share and see what happens. If he comes up with any 'I'll get the tickets & you get dinner' deals that don't seem fair - say 'Sure, but I'll get the tickets and you get dinner :)'.

When you go places say to him 'Pay & display' is just over there, or here's the parking ticket, the pay machine is over there - see you at the car.

Also, any 'travelling away' make sure you cost in the petrol from the start.

See how it goes...

I can't be done with people who are 'tight' with money. Careful is fine, tight is not.

PPaka · 09/09/2014 13:19

I would never think to ask for petrol money, how would he react if you asked him does he have any change for parking?

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2014 13:21

It's a really bad sign.

For one thing, I'd feel like his mum, paying for everything like that.

For another, he's deliberately making you pay more at times - he pays for cinema tickets (under a tenner?) and you pay for a meal (more than a tenner.) He deliberately hasn't asked you to buy the tickets while he buys the meal. He's thought about that.

For another, why shouldn't he pay for car park fees, just because he's the passenger? That would be normal for me - if I was driving, the passenger would jump out and buy the ticket and vice versa.

Does he know you earn more than he does?

Damnautocorrect · 09/09/2014 13:22

I had a boyfriend like this, I could not believe how much better off I was financially when I got rid! Do address this now, it may be forgetfulness or it may be a trainee cock lodger. You'll know where you stand using some of the previous suggested ideas

however · 09/09/2014 13:24

I really don't think it's forgetfulness.

NewEraNewMindset · 09/09/2014 13:24

I can totally see why this is tricky to raise as you don't want to feel like you are making a mountain out of a molehill but your instincts are tingling for a reason.

How is he with money generally? Do you find he is a but stingy generally or does he like to buy himself nice things and so doesn't have much money left at the end of the month? Does he live alone or with his parents?

notinagreatplace · 09/09/2014 13:25

I think some people genuinely are quite absent minded about money so it's possible that he genuinely intends to pay you back and is forgetting to. However, I think you should definitely do something to break the pattern that's developing. It seems to me a bit concerning that he's doing this relatively soon in a relationship, though, in that most people are on 'best behaviour' so early on.

I'd suggest that, next time you go out, you should say something like "Oh, do you mind getting these? You can take it off what you owe me for X" - basically, don't let his debt to you mount up, you definitely shouldn't be paying for more than one thing in a row when he hasn't paid you back for the first thing. I think his reaction to that will tell you what you need to know.

squoosh · 09/09/2014 13:25

He sounds meaner than skimmed milk. It would be a deal breaker for me as stinginess is a trait that I just can't abide.

SlimJiminy · 09/09/2014 13:33

This would be a deal breaker for me too. Get rid. He's had enough chances. He's not going to change.

frostyfingers · 09/09/2014 13:34

When I first met my now DH he insisted on paying for pretty much everything - I didn't let him but he always offered, and it worked out 50/50 over a few months. Usually he'd pay for one outing, I'd pay for the next. I hate those people who half heartedly put their hand to their pocket in the pub in the hope/expectation that someone else will get there first, or say "I'll pay you back" knowing damn well you're unlikely to chase them for it.

This man does rather sound like one of those I'm afraid - you need to point out to him that you can't carry on funding the relationship, and then judging on his reaction make your mind up.

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/09/2014 13:47

I don't think you have to say anything overtly, at this stage, Feawen.

Simply make sure you always carry cash ... and not all as £20 notes.

Carry a couple of £10 notes, a couple of fives, and a few pound coins. When it's time to pay for something (e.g. at the counter, the entrance or when the bill is brought) simply say "shall we split it", take out half the amount and put it down in front of him and wait for him to add his half.

If it's planned that you are doing two things in the evening where one thing is cheaper, such as the cinema and dinner example of your OP, and he suggests he pays for the cinema and you pay for dinner, then simply say "Okay, but I'll get the cinema tickets, you got them last time".

I don't think that it is relevant, at this early stage, that you earn more than him (if he can't afford to do certain things, there are usually cheaper options) so I think you should be very firm about just paying your half.

Yes, some people can be absentminded, but sadly I don't think that doing this to such an extent is a good sign ... I think he is taking the piss! However, if it is just absentmindedness then doing the 'half the cash' thing will soon sort it out.

SanityClause · 09/09/2014 13:50

It is a British thing to really, really hate talking about money, so I don't blame you for feeling icky about it.

I think the suggestion by atticusclaw is good. If he's just a bit absent minded about money, he will say "Oh, but I owe you £xx for the last two times - I'll pay." or something like that.

If he doesn't start offering soon, I'd be re-evaluating the relationship. People who are mean with money are often just not very "giving" people, full stop. The good people would be embarrassed to owe someone money, and be very quick to refund you.