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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU – new(ish) boyfriend and money

95 replies

Feawen · 09/09/2014 13:03

I recently met a gorgeous, lovely guy online. We’ve been seeing each other for around 3 months, spend time with each other’s friends, attend social events together and are planning a trip across the country to visit his parents. His attitude to life is more laid back than mine but that said he has so far been reliable and thoughtful. Except…

I feel that I’m paying for more than my fair share. I’m not the type to expect the guy to pay for everything – I’m much more comfortable going halves or taking turns. I’m starting to worry though that he is taking the p*ss.

If I pay for something on my debit card he will offer at the time to give me cash later, but it doesn’t materialize. It isn’t lots of money: £15 for a theatre ticket, £20 for dinner, £10 for brunch, over the last 3 weeks. Obviously double that because I’m paying for myself as well. I have a car and he doesn’t, so I always drive (fine – I prefer to take my own car anyway), meaning that when we go somewhere I also pay for fuel and parking. So far I haven’t reminded him that he owes me – should I? Should I have to?

He sometimes gives back, eg he bought cinema tickets the other week, but it was on the understanding that I paid for dinner, which was rather more expensive. I’d be perfectly happy with different kinds of reciprocation– eg if I buy dinner out one evening then the next we stay in but he cooks. So far this hasn’t really happened though.

WIBU to bring this up?

I do earn more than him. To be honest the amount of money isn’t a big deal to me. It’s more the concern that I’m setting up expectations that I’ll always fund everything! And a little bit I worry that I’m being taken for a mug, though that might be paranoia. I’m not very trusting of people generally.

And if I am going to say something – what on earth do I say?

OP posts:

Original poster

Feawen · 09/09/2014 17:06

Re visiting parents - we are going by train.

OP posts:

PIVOT · 09/09/2014 17:57

Red flags for a cocklodger in waiting here. The only people I've known to behave like this have turned out to be cocklodgers or a friends boyfriend who was always forgetting his wallet and she paid for everything turned out to be a chronic gambler. In all cases, the injured party rinsed for thousands. At three months, it should still be at that bumbling 'oh my turn' stage.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 18:05

I would find it hard to find this person attractive if I were paying for everything and ferrying him around like his ma. Sorry, I couldn't find that attractive enough to shag.

fcukip · 09/09/2014 18:16

Oh dear. Please ditch Mr cheap. I've had a couple and in the end I just disliked them too much for it as it overshadowed their better qualities.

whatever5 · 09/09/2014 18:23

It's early days and a bit too soon to decide that he's a cocklodger who should be ditched.
I would stop offering to pay for things. Only pay for your half and see what happens.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 09/09/2014 18:26

It sounds like you keep offering. I've been in this position. You have to really watch yourself. Just don't say it! Practise before you go out to say "Shall we go halves?"

And things like the parking - don't just pay for it, take a deep breath and just say "oh could you get the ticket - thanks, and smile at him".!!

Stop offering - he might think you like treating him. It is hard to know how to react to people who say words they don't mean.

BTW I do think there's a possibility he's bit dodgy but I would also give a chance.

WipsGlitter · 09/09/2014 18:29

I think people are being a bit harsh! Just ask him for the money he owes you. If he then squirms about giving it to you - dump!

Bulbasaur · 09/09/2014 18:29

Yeah, I'm on the fence with this one. He may not know he's upsetting you. DH paid for quite a bit when we first met and it never occurred to me he wanted me to pitch in because he always volunteered or just took his card out without waiting for me to. But once he said he was broke I happily pitched in and paid for him. Now we have a joint account so it's not a point anymore.

My point is, let him know it's bugging you. He's not a mind reader.

If he doesn't care or refuses to help pay, or pick somewhere less expensive so he can chip in fairly, you need to drop him. At that point, it's not about the money, it's about his lack of respect for you.

VanitasVanitatum · 09/09/2014 18:35

Maybe he genuinely can't keep up with the things you like to do, dinner out, theatre etc. I wouldn't have been able to do that on my past salary on a regular basis. He should of course say that rather than let you pay, but he may be embarrassed? Who suggests the outings? If he is suggesting them then that theory is out of the water!

FishWithABicycle · 09/09/2014 19:01

When you buy the train tickets make sure you only pay for yours!

Loads of cocklodger symptoms here but I guess it's OK to give him a chance to show that these are false alarms. You urgently need to start challenging this behaviour though or you'll be sleepwalking into a miserable situation.

Original poster

Feawen · 09/09/2014 19:04

WalkJumpClimb - I think I am doing exactly as you describe. I offer to pay expecting him to say oh no I'll get it, but he just hears me offering.

Also, he's possibly relieved I have offered if he's struggling to keep up, as VanitasVanitatum suggests. I think I have been a bit insensitive about that.

It seems a bit harsh to assume he is a cocklodger (ew! By the way. Never heard that phrase before!) when I have been giving mixed signals and maybe embarrassing him. I'll try suggesting low cost things (I'll bring a bottle if he supplies film and popcorn etc) and see what happens. And bringing cash to pay half if we go out.

Thank you all

OP posts:

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 19:11

Stop driving him round like a teenager, too.

Original poster

Feawen · 09/09/2014 19:29

I'll make him run along behind

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 09/09/2014 20:42

Actually it hadn't really occurred he may be struggling financially.

RedRoom · 09/09/2014 21:20

If you ever find yourself doubting whether him getting you to pay for things is deliberate, ask yourself why is he going out without any money in his pocket, time after time. When you aren't around, does he repeatedly go to the supermarket, fill his trolley and then realise he has no money? No. Does he order food in a restaurant, eat it and then realise he has no money? Of course not. He's taking the piss because it only happens when you are there. If he can't afford it, he should suggest you do cheaper things, not expect to carry on doing expensive things funded solely by you. Stop taking debit cards and only take enough cash out to cover half of the bills. Make it clear that his half needs to be funded by him, right there and then, by telling him you only have x amount and that be owes the rest.

vezzie · 09/09/2014 21:40

" think part of the problem is that I’ve been brought up to always offer to pay and my friends are similar."

this is not a problem with you!

all the strategies being offered on here to get him to pay are suitable for someone you have to spend time with, for some reason, for work or something, and need to find a way to not end up out of pocket. they are not how you want to be thinking with someone you are supposed to enjoy being with, and trust.

Sure, you can pressurise him to pay £7.49 for a £15 meal deal. But why the hell should you?

People like this tire me out. you shouldn't have to fight your financial corner in your own time. Forget him (unless you fancy a FWB sitch at his house only - cheap and cheerful)

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2014 21:53

When you say he's generous in bed, what exactly do you mean? Do you mean he gives you a good time? Don't you do that for him, too?

Do you think he has this golden cock which means he can shag you sideways and you pay for dinner?

Think about it, OP!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 22:18

I agree I am sure that he gas to pay his way when you are not there, any decent man would not behave like this, this would put me off. Has he ever paid back the money you have leant him. What a cheek when you paid for dinner, drive him about, he paid for cinema tickets and expect you to pay for dinner. Mabey you do need to be more forward, remind him to pay back tge money, and carry just enough for your share. And tell him to pay for parking, when you drive.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 22:25

I just never understand how you get to the shagging stage with a person like this. It's just so unattractive to be like this.

I went on a date once, met the bloke online. He pulled the whole 'I left my wallet at home, damn.' I said, 'Well, you didn't leave your phone at home, thankfully. Time to phone a friend,' paid for what I ate (he had a starter, a pint, expensive main, pudding) and left.

I wouldn't have even got to the point of offering to pay, pay, pay for anyone, much less fuck a cheapskate like this one.

Preciousbane · 09/09/2014 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 22:44

Rainbow what a fecking cheapskate, good on you. Did you hear from him after that.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 22:59

Yes. He sent me an abusive message about how awful I was not paying for his dinner. My mates and I had a good laugh over it.

But being on MN, so many mugs would have paid for him. Why? You don't even know the person, you just met them online and they are already taking the piss?

Forgot his wallet, but remembered his phone and car keys. Sure.

Nobber.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 23:11

Rainbow what a cocklodger, you had a lucky escape, bet he won't make that mistake again wanker.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 23:30

Oh, it's online dating. You get a lot of weirdos and chancers.

Original poster

Feawen · 09/09/2014 23:46

Gosh Rainbow sounds like a nightmare.

at Preciousbane shitting gold.

Um. More generally. New BF has never "forgotten" his wallet or objected to paying. I haven't said he doesn't pay for anything - he certainly does! The point I was trying to make (apparently not too clearly) is that after we have split bills, taken turns, owed each other for next time etc, overall I have paid more than half the costs of a few dates. Not ideal, perhaps a warning sign, but not quite the same as me driving, wining and dining him for the privilege of worshipping his glorious appendage .

Whether this is down to carelessness, miscommunication, not wanting to admit to being broke or simply being a tightwad I'm not sure. Thanks to everyone who has made suggestions on how to broach the subject or find out more subtly.

Everyone who says ditch him now - I'm not quite at that stage yet. If BF is actually miserly then we don't have a future, but so far there are other explanations that seem more likely, given his circumstances and general behaviour.

I'm off to bed. Thanks again and goodnight all

OP posts:

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