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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU – new(ish) boyfriend and money

95 replies

Feawen · 09/09/2014 13:03

I recently met a gorgeous, lovely guy online. We’ve been seeing each other for around 3 months, spend time with each other’s friends, attend social events together and are planning a trip across the country to visit his parents. His attitude to life is more laid back than mine but that said he has so far been reliable and thoughtful. Except…

I feel that I’m paying for more than my fair share. I’m not the type to expect the guy to pay for everything – I’m much more comfortable going halves or taking turns. I’m starting to worry though that he is taking the p*ss.

If I pay for something on my debit card he will offer at the time to give me cash later, but it doesn’t materialize. It isn’t lots of money: £15 for a theatre ticket, £20 for dinner, £10 for brunch, over the last 3 weeks. Obviously double that because I’m paying for myself as well. I have a car and he doesn’t, so I always drive (fine – I prefer to take my own car anyway), meaning that when we go somewhere I also pay for fuel and parking. So far I haven’t reminded him that he owes me – should I? Should I have to?

He sometimes gives back, eg he bought cinema tickets the other week, but it was on the understanding that I paid for dinner, which was rather more expensive. I’d be perfectly happy with different kinds of reciprocation– eg if I buy dinner out one evening then the next we stay in but he cooks. So far this hasn’t really happened though.

WIBU to bring this up?

I do earn more than him. To be honest the amount of money isn’t a big deal to me. It’s more the concern that I’m setting up expectations that I’ll always fund everything! And a little bit I worry that I’m being taken for a mug, though that might be paranoia. I’m not very trusting of people generally.

And if I am going to say something – what on earth do I say?

OP posts:
superhands · 09/09/2014 13:54

You are dating, he is not your partner. Therefore, even if you were shitting gold you should still be going halves.

squoosh · 09/09/2014 13:57

'even if you were shitting gold you should still be going halves.'

Words to live your life by right there!

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 09/09/2014 13:57

It's understandable to forget to pay someone back occasionally, so perhaps instead of expecting him to pay you back you should work on the taking turns principle. However, if he is always forgetting and leaving you to pay the big ones like theatre and dinner while he coughs up for cheap stuff (although cinema isn't that cheap where I go!) then dump him, he's tight!

FWIW, my BF and I earn significantly different amounts, I always offer to go halves when we go out with all the DCs and I pay for cheap things like carvery or KFC and he pays for the big stuff like proper dinners & holidays. He also brings food round for us all and gives me cash when I pop out to get a few bits for dinner, so it evens out pretty well (in that neither of us feels aggrieved, even though he spends a lot more than me). Theatre etc tends to be for birthdays or anniversary gifts so it's expected that only one of us pays. I'd hate to have to keep score and wonder who was paying more, if you're a proper couple you should be happy to share what you have.

WitchWay · 09/09/2014 14:03

It's the gesture rather than the amount - he comes across as mean.

My brother never offered to pay if we went anywhere together - he was (& still is) on a much lower income & I always intended to treat him, but it drove me nuts that he never offered - I think he was worried that I'd take him up on it & he'd be financially embarrassed. He's better these days - he'll offer to buy a drink & I'll accept that & then pay for the food.

FriendlyLadybird · 09/09/2014 14:04

So does he not carry a debit/credit card with him? Or any cash? It's been a long time since I was dating but what happens when I'm out with friends is that the bill comes and we all get out our cash or cards. Then someone will say, "Shall I put it on my card and you give me the cash?" and the cash is handed over AT THAT POINT. If he isn't getting his money out to contribute his share, then I think it's all a bit calculated. Warning bells for me, I'm afraid.

WitchWay · 09/09/2014 14:06

Yes Ladybird - that is the usual way it works - settle up at the time

mewkins · 09/09/2014 14:11

Leave your debit card at home and only have enough cash to pay your share. He will soon get the hint.

museumum · 09/09/2014 14:14

I'd just say next time 'it must be your turn to get this' - start making him pay for stuff as you go along, turn and about.

The car thing is a different issue, when I didn't own a car I wouldn't have had a clue what fuel cost and would actually have preferred to get the bus or train so being asked for petrol money for short trips would have been annoying.

whois · 09/09/2014 14:20

Some great advice and it really needs to be nipped in the bud.

I like the strategies of saying: "Do you want to get these? Take it off the money you owe me for X Y Z"

Gives him an opportunity to pay and remind him he owes you money without having to say 'oi, pay me back!'

"Can you get the parking since I've driven?"

Take cash in small amounts so you can just pay your half.

Going past a cash machine say 'oh, I'm out of cash, let's stop. Please can you get out that £30 you owe me for X? Thanks."

KnackeredMuchly · 09/09/2014 14:25

I wouldn't even bother trying to train him or talk to him. Total deal breaker.

I can understand being absent minded about paying you back for things like theatre tickets but there is never any swing the other way when he is over generous.

See ya pal!

cheersears · 09/09/2014 14:31

I agree you're dating, not partners so what you earn should be irrelevant - I'm assuming that you're not dining at the Ivy every night but are doing things you can both afford?

It should feel fair and it doesn't which would be a worry so early on in the relationship.

I agree with others - take cash or ask him to do the booking/paying and you'll settle up with him. See how that pans out.

He might just be forgetful. He might be a freeloader. If you think this is going to be something long term then it's worth trying to find out which.

weeblueberry · 09/09/2014 14:41

How are you responding to him when he says he'll give you the money back later?

I ask because I used to be terrible for just off-handedly saying 'don't worry about it' which I meant as 'don't worry when you pay it back' but realised people assumed I meant don't worry about it at all.

I soon put a stop to it once I realised.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 14:44

No I woulden't train him, but test him, like others have said, next time you go out. John its your turn to buy lunch, I bought last time! You pay for parking, as I drove! The fact that he offered to cook and its yet to materialise is concerning. Good idea whois. See his reaction and if he does put his hands in his pockets. If he makes some excuses, end it!

BauerTime · 09/09/2014 14:48

Does sound like he is taking advantage TBH. Letting you pay and oweing you the money, then 'forgetting' to give it you back as a one off is one thing, but you say that you've only known him 3 months and he has done this at least 3 times. He simply cannot be unaware that he has done this and he will continue if you let him.

Deal breaker for me and im loving and agreeing with the 'trainee cock lodger' comment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2014 15:01

I think it's a bad sign. If it's the absolutely only one, you have good boundaries and you are prepared for it to be the thing you live with until you die... keep seeing him. However, have a look at all the threads on here from women whose partners expect them to pay for everything during maternity, pay for all the childcare, pay for all the children's things.

My exH was a little 'careful'. My DH is generous. My DF has commented on it. Never did at the time I was married before but said about six months into my new relationship, "BF's name is lovely, always gets dinner when he sees us. Good bloke". DF and DH now fight over the bill (while DM or I subtly pay it). DH is generous in other ways; emotionally; ahem-ly; with housework; childcare...

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2014 15:13

I wouldn't bother trying to change things or to make him pay. He has shown you who he is. Yes, you could probably get him to pay for the next couple of dates but in the end he is mean and will try to sort things so that you pay instead of him.

I'd move on.

dinkystinky · 09/09/2014 15:24

Not unreasonable to bring it up and talk about it - the way he reacts to the conversation will tell you a lot about him and what's going on. I'd say that things are getting tight and you've realised its because you're spending a lot of money on the two of you together, list a few things (including fuel and parking for trips), and how can it be worked to share the costs equally.

squoosh · 09/09/2014 15:28

Yep, just move on.

At the start of a relationship people generally show the best side of themselves.

If this is his best side...............

BauerTime · 09/09/2014 15:41

Sorry ive just re-read the OP and its 3 times in 3 weeks not 3 months! Unless he is waiting for pay day and intends to give you a big wad of cash then, he is definately taking the p*ss! Its not the amount of money that would be the issue for me either, its the fact that he has taken it upon himself to decide how your money is spent (on him) as you earn more. That is, quite frankly, an appauling attitude and as squoosh says if this is one of the 'qualities' he displays at the start of a relationship then it can only get worse IMO. Money is one of the worst things (for me) to have different ideas about in a relationship. It would be different if you were an established couple who had agreed to divide expenses a certain way to suit you both but you are not. At the moment you are two single people who are dating and should either go halves or treat the other as you wish. Not get lumped with paying for things or not have to pay for things because of your personal finances.

GreenPetal94 · 09/09/2014 16:11

Is he broke?

I think you do need to talk about this.

Original poster
Feawen · 09/09/2014 16:15

Thanks so much for all your replies. I do feel a bit icky about money talk and would hate to come across as mean myself. I agree that it isn’t a good start to a new relationship and it seems overall you lovely people think I’m right to be concerned.

Tricky. I think part of the problem is that I’ve been brought up to always offer to pay and my friends are similar. So I’m expecting to have an “I’ll get this”/ “no, it’s my turn”/”let’s split it”/”okay, but I’ll pay next time” conversation. Whereas with new chap I’ll offer or get my card out and he just accepts that I’m happy to pick up the bill.

I’ll take the advice above about carrying cash and saying “here’s my share” instead. If it is a communication issue/forgetfulness rather than him being mean then that should be enough. He does pay for some things without quibbling at all (not sure that came across in my OP), it’s just that at the end of each weekend I realize I’ve spent more.

He is generous with time, practical stuff, emotional support, in bed etc, so I’m inclined to give him a fair chance. If being more direct doesn’t help though then that’s that. I can’t see myself with someone long term who isn’t a fundamentally generous person.

Also I’ll make sure I don’t suggest we do things that might be beyond his means, except for rare treats that I’m happy to pay for. It’s easy for me to casually suggest the cinema, or bowling, or going out for breakfast, or the theatre (small local one, not the ROH ;) ) because I don’t see £10-£20 here and there as a problem. Obviously that’s relative though! Perhaps I’ve been a bit thoughtless. He is a part-time mature student juggling a job and a degree.

If he doesn’t react well then I’m out of there. I can deal with someone being too embarrassed to say “sorry, can’t afford that”, or even a bit forgetful, but not tight. Hopefully he isn’t a leech! If I genuinely thought he was I’d run away faster than a fast woman ;).

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 09/09/2014 16:29

I wouldn't even bother trying to train him or talk to him. Total deal breaker. I can understand being absent minded about paying you back for things like theatre tickets but there is never any swing the other way when he is over generous.

I agree with this - sorry, OP. There's already too much of a pattern here. He may not be a leech as such, but I think it's pretty obvious that neither is he "fundamentally generous" as you put it.

You shouldn't be having to waste mental energy working out ways to broach the subject of him paying his fair share.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 16:44

Ok just heed the suggestions, if they don't work yes cut loose. Money is important, and this is happening now, does not bode well for the future.

hamptoncourt · 09/09/2014 16:53

OP - are you in fact as a PP asked, driving him across the country so he can see his parents?

See how he reacts if you say you don't fancy the drive and want to get the train - he can buy the tickets........

He definitely sounds like a cocklodger in training to me - sorry Sad

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2014 17:03

Who is paying for the petrol when you visit his parents? He has the makings of a real tightwad...