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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU – new(ish) boyfriend and money

95 replies

Feawen · 09/09/2014 13:03

I recently met a gorgeous, lovely guy online. We’ve been seeing each other for around 3 months, spend time with each other’s friends, attend social events together and are planning a trip across the country to visit his parents. His attitude to life is more laid back than mine but that said he has so far been reliable and thoughtful. Except…

I feel that I’m paying for more than my fair share. I’m not the type to expect the guy to pay for everything – I’m much more comfortable going halves or taking turns. I’m starting to worry though that he is taking the p*ss.

If I pay for something on my debit card he will offer at the time to give me cash later, but it doesn’t materialize. It isn’t lots of money: £15 for a theatre ticket, £20 for dinner, £10 for brunch, over the last 3 weeks. Obviously double that because I’m paying for myself as well. I have a car and he doesn’t, so I always drive (fine – I prefer to take my own car anyway), meaning that when we go somewhere I also pay for fuel and parking. So far I haven’t reminded him that he owes me – should I? Should I have to?

He sometimes gives back, eg he bought cinema tickets the other week, but it was on the understanding that I paid for dinner, which was rather more expensive. I’d be perfectly happy with different kinds of reciprocation– eg if I buy dinner out one evening then the next we stay in but he cooks. So far this hasn’t really happened though.

WIBU to bring this up?

I do earn more than him. To be honest the amount of money isn’t a big deal to me. It’s more the concern that I’m setting up expectations that I’ll always fund everything! And a little bit I worry that I’m being taken for a mug, though that might be paranoia. I’m not very trusting of people generally.

And if I am going to say something – what on earth do I say?

OP posts:

musicalendorphins2 · 10/09/2014 05:10

I ran this by dh who suggested that in future you don't offer to pay, or, when you see the waiter headed your way, you excuse yourself and go off to the ladies room.

He thinks the money that he owes you is probably a write off, but if he is "any type of a man", he will pay you back without being asked.
He thinks if you have to ask, that is a sign of your bf being miserly. I agree with him.

EarthWindFire · 10/09/2014 05:46

You say that there is a difference in incomes. Is it a big difference and do you go out much/a lot that costs money? I am just wondering if he is embarrassed or can't afford to do stuff.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 07:49

Is he a student? What % of your income does he earn?

iwantgin · 10/09/2014 08:05

This wouldn't sit well with me.

If he was upfront about being not so well off and couldn't afford that particular restaurant/activity then fair enough. Either you could pay more or you choose something different to do which doesn't cost much.

I agree with most PP - just don't take your debit/credit cards out with you. Take just enough cash for yourself. That way you won't be able to sub him.

No one likes a freeloader.

Mattiesmam · 10/09/2014 08:34

He's playing you for a fool
why would he want to give up the gravy train - that's why he makes the effort only enough to keep you interested.

BlinkAndMiss · 10/09/2014 08:53

You need to be careful OP, and I'm
going to add what everyone else has said .

At the moment it's the small things, like forgetting cash and offering to pay you back. At this point there should be none of this, it's all about showing your nicest self so that the relationship continues. He's actually making you show that you're a pushover because he knows that talking about money is likely to never happen.

Even if this is because he's skint it is not your responsibility to pay for more than your half, if you set this as an expectation now then he'll continue this way until you don't even realise. I've been there, I actually remember trying to take money out of the cash point for an ex but not being able to get the full amount due to the £250 cashpoint limit. I drove back with him after midnight to get the next £250 out, it didn't occur that I wouldn't be able to get money for myself for that day. Or it didn't matter - he was skint, he was needy, he needed things. That was the extent, it started off in the same way that your DP is behaving. It seems innocent enough but it's not, it's calculated.

Next suggestion of going out I'd just say you can't afford it, tell him you've paid for a lot lately and then see what his reaction is. If it's all grand gestures with him being the hero and offering to pay and 'treat' you then run for the hills. He's all about stepping in to look good but unwilling to be a decent person in the first place. If he acknowledges that you've been paying for everything and offers to hand over what he owes then that's a good sign.

The car thing could be a non-issue but does he actually need a car? Does he use public transport without a fuss or does he rely on lifts and become disorganised when he can't have a lift? I used to ferry my ex everywhere, even to work at 6am, otherwise he simply wouldn't get there. I cannot believe how I took this on as my issue .

Don't get sucked in .

AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 14:13

Who is suggesting these date nights?

I remember a few years back I was dating a girl, I was unemployed at the beginning of our relationship so really couldn't afford more than one night out a week yet she kept suggesting places to go. It was really embarassing having to say I couldn't afford it and I admit, sometimes I would hope she would pay.

If it is him suggesting the dates then I would be v v worried.

By confronting him the chances are you are going to cause him great embarassment. He may think he is being a modern man by allowing you to pay your way, I assume he knows you can afford it.

writtenguarantee · 10/09/2014 14:25

You say that there is a difference in incomes. Is it a big difference and do you go out much/a lot that costs money? I am just wondering if he is embarrassed or can't afford to do stuff.

as they just met, unless they have a prior arrangement he has no right to her income regardless of difference. if he can't pay his way, he should say that he would prefer to do something less costly rather than silently not paying.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/09/2014 14:49

Well Alex something has to be done, as it is not fair on op to keep subbing him.

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 15:00

I think it depends on the earning gap between you a bit.

When I first met DH, I was in the same position as your boyfriend. He earned twice as much as I did. I felt very embarrassed by the gap, and I really struggled financially to pay half on everything. (I was also paying half of a mortgage on another house which my ex was insisting on occupying despite the fact that I wanted to sell.).

DH's attitude was that it didn't matter, that contribution should be proportionate to income I was very grateful and tried to make it up to him by doing all the cooking, housework etc. which was actually not a great plan. It made him uncomfortable and set up an even odder inequality of role instead of money.

We gradually worked round to a position where we both felt more comfortable. We pool cash now: we never really spend any money without consulting the other, and we both spend very little individually on clothes etc so it works for us. Housework is divided equitably depending on who is working the most. He always does more than his share.

I think you have to keep discussing this, and work it through gradually. If you earn more, it may be only fair for you to pay a bit more, provided that it's not ridiculously out of all proportion. I don't think that's a gender thing, I think its a fairness thing!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/09/2014 16:10

Well he could suggest things to do that are affordable. He is an adult and should be more honest if he can't afford things instead of letting op pay. Op should ask him to pay half or whatever.

borisgudanov · 10/09/2014 19:34

Next time you go out with him, "forget" or "lose" your wallet. He'll either help you out or prove beyond all doubt that he's a total twat and as tight as a duck's arse. My money's on the latter.

(That said I seldom carry much cash because I got mugged once and was only OK about it because I had the princely sum of 4 on me. I do however always have at least one card.)

borisgudanov · 10/09/2014 19:36

Four quid, that is, of course.

Branleuse · 10/09/2014 19:55

try not offering to pay?

Ask him to pay.

vezzie · 10/09/2014 20:22

It doesn't depend on the earning gap. In the slightest. Till she has offered, or they live together, or have an arrangement, he doesn't get access to her money, which is what he is assuming.
he might be assuming it because

he thinks she can afford it
he hasn't really thought about and just subconsciously expects to be "looked after" for whatever reason
he wants to see how much of a pushover she is for other purposes
other

but for whatever reason, he doesn't get to assume that, and the OP shouldn't be forced into the position of having to negotiate fairness, or somehow trick him into it, or manage him into it.

too boring, too stressful, and you will never really respect or trust him

I have tried this, I tried to overlook it, at the same time as attempting to ringfence significant money and my financial stability and to some extent remain in control without being a tight arse, but it just made me despise him

EarthWindFire · 10/09/2014 20:51

It doesn't depend on the earning gap.

Well it does if they are doing things that he can't afford to do but is too embarrassed to say.

vezzie · 10/09/2014 20:52

No, embarrassment doesn't give you access to someone else's money.

revealall · 11/09/2014 06:55

No, embarrassment doesn't give you access to someone else's money.

But it does. If the Op wants to be doing normal dating activities and the new bloke can't afford them then either she mostly pays, or he doesn't come.

And then it's not a date.

Having a nice meal cooked for you is fine one in a while but who would want that every week in the beginning? The idea of dating is that you see a person in different circumstances etc so you can see if you are a match.

I would say the pay gap is already issue so the dating thing has worked. She wouldn't have known if they had spent every date having free dates like gong for a walk fir example.

vezzie · 11/09/2014 13:50

" If the Op wants to be doing normal dating activities and the new bloke can't afford them then either she mostly pays,"

only by agreement. You can't just have access to someone's money by wanting it. If someone invited me to the Seychelles I wouldn't say "Yay!" and assume they were paying. I would say "I can't afford it" and wait to see what happens next.

"I would say the pay gap is already issue"

no, him not paying his way is an issue

"She wouldn't have known if they had spent every date having free dates like gong for a walk fir example."
maybe it wouldn't be an issue if they had only done things he could afford. She is pissed off at him taking her money for granted. So would I be

externalwallinsulation · 11/09/2014 14:05

Vezzie, do you realise that some people can't afford to go on a date at all? Or that going means not being able to eat breakfast or lunch all week? Having been really poor, I know that a fifty quid meal might seem like nothing to some people, but can be your entire spare cash for the month - gone!

Even people who seem to have good jobs might be struggling with things. I have a friend who has to pay a lot towards her elderly Mum's care, reducing her ability to have expensive nights out.

Yes, the Op's boyfriend might be tight and awful. But he might also really like her but struggle to afford half. His poverty doesn't give him a right to her money, but it is polite and caring to cut him a little bit of slack at first. I'm not talking big stuff, just letting the odd bill here and there go. Once they've had a few more dates, maybe talking about money will be a bit less awkward and they can figure something out.

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