Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hurt by the behaviour of these friends?

82 replies

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 11:32

My DCs attend a fairly small village school, and there are a few mums there that I would class as close friends.

A year ago, an acquaintance of mine moved to this village and her kids started at the school too. Her kids found it hard to settle, and she said she felt horrible on the school run as she didn't know many mums, so I introduced her to my friends, and started to invite her and her kids on days out with us all, and to things like coffee at my house when my friends would be there. In a way she is quite a needy person and always has a lot of problems and conversations seem to revolve around her and her problems.

Shortly before the end of the school year in July, I felt as though my friends and this woman were being a bit offhand with me. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit paranoid, although I'm not generally a paranoid person. It was little things such as they would all be standing together talking at the school and when I arrived they'd stop, and I'd sense an atmosphere. And all but one cancelled coming out for a meal for my birthday, when normally whenever it's anyone's birthday we all go for a night out. They all seemed a bit vague with their reasons. They also all seemed a bit reluctant to meet up with me during the summer holidays. I met up with them a couple of times but they all seemed to be busier than normal. However I took it at face value, and thought perhaps they were all busy and just did other things.

This morning I did the school run as normal. I dropped my DCs off and two of my friends plus the 'new' woman were all standing outside the school talking. I walked up to them and chatted. Normally we all walk home in the same direction. The new woman said this morning that she wasn't walking back in my direction today as she was going to the shop. The other two then both said that they had to go to the shop too. One of them then said that they'd better get a move on as they had a busy morning, and the other two agreed that they had to get a move on too, and off they all went, and I walked in the opposite direction. None of them are normally in a hurry, they usually want to stand and chat for ages each day.

About an hour later I went out in the car, and drove past the school, only to see all three of them standing at the opposite side of the school, none with bags from the shop, and as if they'd all simply walked around the corner from the school to get rid of me, and carried on talking! I waved at them as I drove past but they all looked at me but didn't smile or wave.

I know it all sounds really childish but I am now convinced that they hate me for some reason, and that something is going on, and I feel really upset. I don't tend to fall out with people, and generally get on with everyone, and I hate bad feelings and atmospheres. I guess I am going to have to talk to one of them about it to see what's going on, but I don't want to appear paranoid.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2014 11:35

Oh God, you've been Wendied. Big styley.

Iconfuseus · 09/09/2014 11:36

I would definitely contact them and ask what is going on.

I'd contact more then one though, so I got more then one version of events as everyone might have a different take on whatever is going on.

I'd say something along the lines of "I'm now aware that you are all avoiding me and I have no idea why. Please let me know."

I wouldn't go in talking about being hurt etc, you want to be as undramatic as possible.

Cluffyflump · 09/09/2014 11:37

Could you pop round and speak to one of them today and ask what is going on?
I know it will be hard, but you need to nip it in the bud asap.
Thanks horrible for you.

Jinglebells99 · 09/09/2014 11:40

That sounds awful as they are just not school mums but friends that you have socialised with :( I don't know if you know what is meant by "Wendied" but it is a phrase used here on mumsnet when a friend/ woman known as "Wendy" controls groups of friends by leaving people out and stealing friends and turning people against one another.

SaucyJack · 09/09/2014 11:40

YANBU to be hurt, but if I were you I'd simply draw a line and move on. These are not your friends, and decent people who are worth bothering with don't behave like this.

Laura0806 · 09/09/2014 11:49

How old are they???? What childish behaviour. Saucy Jack is right. however, I think id ask as I would want to knwo what on earth had been said /happened. Nt sure if you'll get an answer though but you can try and then jusr move on if noone is forthcoming but I would ask the oen that you're closest too or that you think is softer if that makes sense

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 11:56

Anyone childish enough to be Wendied isn't worth having as a friend. They sound like a bunch of cows. Time to get new friends.

Oh, and your needy friend? She isn't a friend at all. Dump her and them altogether.

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 11:57

They're all late thirties.....

I have just been thinking that maybe it would be better if I just pretend I haven't noticed their behaviour and am polite but distant with them all in future? It might be best if I don't let them see that they've upset me?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 09/09/2014 11:57

Could you talk to the one who did come to your birthday meal?

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 11:58

Don't bother even acknowledging them.

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 11:59

I would do, MrsCampbell, but she was one of the ones from this morning, so I'm assuming that she is in on whatever is going on too

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 09/09/2014 12:01

Ask. It might cause a couple if them to remember they're supposed to be adults

NotOneThingbutAnother · 09/09/2014 12:02

Definitely Wendied. Same thing happened to me, almost word for word. I think we'd call this a "Classic" Wendying.

Definitely get new friends.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/09/2014 12:03

Just drop your DCs off and leave. I agree, don't even acknowledge them. They sound horrible and childish.

BeyoncesCat · 09/09/2014 12:07

Yep agree with Hopping! You've been wendied!

Only thing you can really do is wait for the others to realise what a bitch she is. Now you're out of the picture she will will pick on one of the other ladies and they will learn! Sad

mummytime · 09/09/2014 12:08

Sorry this is "Wendying" (appologies to anyone called Wendy). You may well not be able to rescue any of these friendships and I would be very wary of the "acquaintance" you initially welcomed into your groups.

I hope you have other friends, ideally those who don't interact with the school lot.

You could make one quick statement individually to each individual (probably ignoring your "acquaintance") along the lines of: "Sorry if I've offended you, hope to see you around sometime." Then ignore beyond a hurried "Hi" or "Bye" and a smile.
Chat to other people, and try to keep friendly in general for your DCs sake.

NotOneThingbutAnother · 09/09/2014 12:09

In my case, the Wendy liked to tell everyone I was being mean to her, whilst generally being a little ray of sunshine. So when I complained to a couple of people that she seemed to be elbowing me out, it confirmed poor Wendy's opinion that I was a meanie. One person said I was making it difficult for everyone by asking them to chose "sides" … WTAF?!

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 12:13

I really, really regret letting the acquaintance into my circle of friends. She's just someone I used to live near years ago, and although I've always got on fine with her, she's never been my type of person.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 09/09/2014 12:15

It seems like your needy acquaintance has turned your friends against you, possibly because you know too much of her drama and she wants to make a fresh start and associates you with the past or because you were the one to introduce them and organise activities and now she wants to be queen bee. It's really sad that people in their late 30s still behave that way. I feel sorry for their children because the parents aren't setting a good example of how to treat people. This must be upsetting for you but remember you have done nothing wrong and try to move on, you are better off without two-faced people like that in your life. I think your plan of being polite but distant is a good idea, rise above. There is no point asking them what's going on, real friends would have talked to you if there was an issue. Consider starting a new hobby or volunteering to meet new people and be too busy and fabulous to pay the old group any mind.

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 12:17

I'm fortunate in that I have quite a lot of friends/people to meet up with, so although I feel upset I know that at least I won't be stuck at home with no one to go out with and that I still have friends to chat to and socialise with.

OP posts:
Curlyweasel · 09/09/2014 12:17

Oh dear. What horrible people. I would ask the friend who you met up with for the birthday meal what the hell is going on (pretty sure she'd find it difficult not to explain herself if directly confronted).

Personally, I'd find it hard to move on/hold my head up if I didn't know what the reason was behind this.

You need the chance to hear what crap is being bandied around about you, defend yourself and then tell them to fuck right off.

Bitchy horrible twats.

Biffalobuff · 09/09/2014 12:18

I would ask them,individually as others have suggested, what have you got to lose?I wouldn't start off aggressively as if the other 'friend' has been causing trouble it will back her up,but maybe just say something along the lines of 'I've noticed there's been a bit of an atmosphere,maybe I'm being over sensitive,but is there some sort of problem I'm not aware of?'
If you get 'being over sensitive' well you move on as that person is clearly not willing to tell you the truth,but surely there will be at least one who will tell you something.
I just get the feeling that cutting them out of your life totally is not going to make you happy without at least attempting to find out what is wrong-though I may well be projecting as that is how I would feel.

NotOneThingbutAnother · 09/09/2014 12:19

Thing is, WhoNeeds, all this happened to me 8 years ago, and my Wendy has now moved away and started the same thing again but in a village 5 miles down the road.

Since then I have considered all the friends I lost through her, and its clear that there were other issues - there were "cracks" in the friendship group (a group of a dozen or so women) that let the Wendy in. I have never made it up with any of them although we are all stiffly polite to me now, and I have never regretted it. Now without the moved-away-Wendy, they all still meet up all the time, even go on holiday together. I wouldn't have been able to afford a lot of the things they do and I do believe that was one of the big "cracks" I'm referring to.

What I'm saying in a long roundabout way is maybe it wasn't meant to be with this group of women, but I know exactly how it feels and it will hurt for a while.

Bowlersarm · 09/09/2014 12:26

It must be horrible for you OP. So hurtful.

I don't think there's a lot you can do. I think if I were you (bearing in mind you have lots of friends outside of the school set up) I'd just step back from the school gate friends, and wait for your old friends to have a realisation about what the Wendy has done. Although as their behaviour towards you has been so grim, I don't think I'd be able to be friends with them again. The relationship has been tainted, whatever happens.

Cornettoninja · 09/09/2014 12:30

If I wanted to keep things civil I wouldn't even bother confronting any of them tbh - it just adds fuel to whatever self induced drama they've concocted around them.

Quick hello and goodbye with some bland niceties thrown in and just get on with your life without letting it trickle down to the playground.

They sound fucking hard work to me so count yourself lucky at getting out unscathed and watch for the fireworks when the next drama (and there will be another when you're out of the picture) unfolds.

Sorry you're friends are wankers Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread