To be hurt by the behaviour of these friends?

[WhoNeedsEnemies]

My DCs attend a fairly small village school, and there are a few mums there that I would class as close friends.

A year ago, an acquaintance of mine moved to this village and her kids started at the school too. Her kids found it hard to settle, and she said she felt horrible on the school run as she didn't know many mums, so I introduced her to my friends, and started to invite her and her kids on days out with us all, and to things like coffee at my house when my friends would be there. In a way she is quite a needy person and always has a lot of problems and conversations seem to revolve around her and her problems.

Shortly before the end of the school year in July, I felt as though my friends and this woman were being a bit offhand with me. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit paranoid, although I'm not generally a paranoid person. It was little things such as they would all be standing together talking at the school and when I arrived they'd stop, and I'd sense an atmosphere. And all but one cancelled coming out for a meal for my birthday, when normally whenever it's anyone's birthday we all go for a night out. They all seemed a bit vague with their reasons. They also all seemed a bit reluctant to meet up with me during the summer holidays. I met up with them a couple of times but they all seemed to be busier than normal. However I took it at face value, and thought perhaps they were all busy and just did other things.

This morning I did the school run as normal. I dropped my DCs off and two of my friends plus the 'new' woman were all standing outside the school talking. I walked up to them and chatted. Normally we all walk home in the same direction. The new woman said this morning that she wasn't walking back in my direction today as she was going to the shop. The other two then both said that they had to go to the shop too. One of them then said that they'd better get a move on as they had a busy morning, and the other two agreed that they had to get a move on too, and off they all went, and I walked in the opposite direction. None of them are normally in a hurry, they usually want to stand and chat for ages each day.

About an hour later I went out in the car, and drove past the school, only to see all three of them standing at the opposite side of the school, none with bags from the shop, and as if they'd all simply walked around the corner from the school to get rid of me, and carried on talking! I waved at them as I drove past but they all looked at me but didn't smile or wave.

I know it all sounds really childish but I am now convinced that they hate me for some reason, and that something is going on, and I feel really upset. I don't tend to fall out with people, and generally get on with everyone, and I hate bad feelings and atmospheres. I guess I am going to have to talk to one of them about it to see what's going on, but I don't want to appear paranoid.

They sound dreadful! I know what being "wendied" is but can I just ask how did it get that name on mumsnet?? Have always wondered!

So sorry op. Only do what mintyy suggests if you are very thick skinned, the story after that will be that they weren't freezing you out, just being busy, then you got all paranoid and stroppy about it...

If it was me, I'd pretend I didn't notice when you have to see them, be friendly but distant. Don't invite them to anything, focus on other friends, make a point of chatting to others at drop off/pick up, smile at coven, and "gosh got to rush, but we should catch up at some point!" Without actually organising anything.

Don't do anything wrong, nothing that can be thrown back at you to others, focus on having nice people to chat to and then enjoy from a distance watching it all unravel, "Wendy's" tend to want drama and angst, you've clearly been the target previously, sooner or later, it'll be someone else.

sizeup I think because in the mists of MN time, there was a thread similar to this and the op said about the dubious 'friend' she introduced to all her friends who then caused problems said "for the sake of this thread I'll call her Wendy....."

That's how I understand it.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen. What bugs me about this "Wendy" phenomenon is that everybody blames the "Wendy". What my point is, if they were proper friends, no one would be able to rip the friendship apart so easily.

I think you've got a point in that the friends must be flaky in the first place to allow an interloper to turn on their friend.

The thing is though, I think the Wendy's seem to be exceptionally manipulative so she does it without anyone realising what's happening until it's too late and she's seen for what she is, after cleverly and slyly wrecking friendships.

I think that the Wendy is blamed because they actively move to exclude the other person- whereas the friends are probably just flaky/merely acquaintances/easily led- the Wendy is active while the friends are passive? That's why I see it as her being the problem.

If your friends just drifted away, it wouldn't be quite so painful as feeling they have been taken?

This happened to some one at my sons school (an acquaintance). It went from standing together at every school pick up and drop of and coffee, nights out etc to a total change of dynamic when someone new joined the group.
Like a pp said she systematically tried to destroy someone's reputation and it looked like she wanted to ruin her life and it was apparent to "outsiders" that this was her purpose.
It was awful to see and never have I been so glad I kept myself to myself and apart from hello and smiling run as fast as possible.

"Only do what mintyy suggests if you are very thick skinned, the story after that will be that they weren't freezing you out, just being busy, then you got all paranoid and stroppy about it..."

Yes, I think that is possible. However, op will know and the ex-friends will know, that it's bullshit.

Op ... don't let them get away with it! (if you are sure, I might wait a few more weeks into the school term to see if the freezing out continues) and then confront them with their shabby behaviour. Even if they deny, so what? it doesn't mean that you are wrong.

I agree with silly actually. I may be in danger of being a bit of a Wendy myself, and I feel guilty about it. I have two friends who I get on great with, and see quite a bit of, usually separately but sometimes together.

We were all introduced by a third friend - the link between all of us, and the only reason we know one another. One by one it has come to light that we all have issues with this friend and often only see her out of guilt or for diplomatic reasons. She invites us all for dinner every few months and we all go, but in all honesty we'd rather be having dinner together without her, and none of us ever invite her back. We mean to, but in all honesty she's never a priority. Our husbands all get on great. But we can't all get together without her and her DH very often as she would find out and understandably be very hurt. It would seem so mean.

She does get horribly drunk and say some awful things though. She always seems to rub someone up the wrong way, and she openly humiliates her DH in front of everyone. That's why.

In all my time on MN I ve not come across this until now. And have realised how true it is. Have had it happen to me a few years ago with MUm friend who was v needy and leaned on me for a lot of support but when I pulled away (family tragedy explained how I needed space ) she became v vindictive. I couldn't understand how the rest of the gang were pulling away too and found them bitching once. Gutted I was. It s two years later and I ve a lovely new circle of new kind friends that aren't friends for what they can get out if it. Am lucky in that I have quite a few circles of friends (work, school gates, hobbies, uni, old school friends ) so not totally reliant on one social circle though it really hurt at the time. As the other s say those that can be wendied aren't really the pals you want to be counting as your close confidants at the end of the day. It s a painful lesson but makes you wiser.
Another lesson I ve learned friendships that have stood me more have been the 'slow burners' ones where I ve gotten to know the people over long times and developed a deeper friendship with experience.
Move on. You ll find new experiences and people and learn from this. It s easy to spot the signs of a Wendy too - they re often the needy ones who like to be encircled by the group for attention.

I've just realised that someone kind of did this to me at university. Luckily I had other friends that she was not interested in but it was still hurtful.

What I find odd in this sort of story is that other people always go along with it, or are somehow hoodwinked. Especially weird when supposedly mature adults, who are also parents, are involved.

Agree with pps to just ignore them all, stay jolly and breezy and pretend it does not bother you. If you let them know then it is much more likely to become "a thing" that goes on long term and bring others into it.

I am astounded by how often I read of things like this on Mumsnet. Who are these children!?

I dread to think what they're own offspring behave like in the playground if this is the kind of idiocy their mothers get up to.

I'd ignore, and move on. As horrid as that will be. You don't need people like this in your life

God, I would rise above it and just walk away. Don't even give them the satisfaction. You say you have other friends - just focus on them from now on.

I never understand how people have the time or energy for this sort of thing - haven't they got kids/jobs/marriages/families to be keeping them busy?

You've defo been Wendied OP (love that term!). Just dust yourself down, move on, and be thankful to have escaped such a shallow bunch of flibbertigibbets.

It does seem to be a pattern of "Wendies" that they are always needy, amd come across as vunerable to new people who want to comfort them. When the other person comforts them, they flash a grateful smile, and the other person feels like they helped. Its very flattering to feel you've helped someone.

It takes a loooong time for anyone to realise that no matter how much they're comforted, there's always a fresh drama every week.

Also, it does seem that the person who is "Wendied" is usually NOT someone needy and vunerable. So its easy for the Wendy to imply that the old friend is some hardened creature.

This is another reason why it backfires if the victim demands to know what the hell they've done wrong. Oooh look, they're being agressive and demanding.

It might work if you play her at her own game and play the pity card. "Hope we can meet up soon. I miss you guys :(" or somesuch.

But it depends on if you actually want the relationships to continue. In a small village school it might be more prudent to play her at her own game. You have years of school drop offs ahead. I'm ashamed to say I would get all
emotionally manipulative on their asses. I'd want to put Wendy back in her box.

I'd want to WENDY THE WENDY!!!

I like charlie97 and mintyy's advice - name it and shame them, but don't ask why. They will either lie or deny it. And I'd do it face to face, then walk away. Life is too short to spend with toxic people.

Enjoy the good friends you have all the more!! x

I would tackle them individually - start with whoever was 'nicest'/loyalist before the Wendying. It sounds like your Wendy has been creating drama and possibly lying. Hiding round the corner shows that they've all been successfully manipulative. I'd focus on creating and building other friendships.

size up I think the original Wendy was a character in a Judy Blume book Flubber.

Haven't read it since I was a teenager, but IIRC the protagonist refused to join in with the bullying of a fat girl or summat and got frozen out.

Im sorry OP that these "people" have made you feel like that. A few years ago I would of said confront them but I have changed my thinking in the past year or so and now I think in the way that people who dont respect me in the way I respect them do not even get the time to bother me. Do not spend any of your time (time is very precious) even thinking what their problem is because if theyre willing to do that to you then your time,your thoughts and your energy are too good for them. You dont need people in your space that create that atmosphere for you. I'd just say hello like I would to anyone and be too busy to even think about what theyre doing. Yes it hurts a bit and it's hard but you dont owe them anything.

If you've got the balls, walk up to the group and matter of factly say "Right, which one of you is going to be the big girl and tell me why I'm being frozen out?"

If one of them starts protesting that you're imagining it cut her off with a "Right, so obviously not you then. Anyone?"

I appreciate it takes bottle, but if you can do it in an unemotional, cool way it will make them squirm. Especially if you can manage to do it with impartial bystanders present.

Oh, I thought the original Wendy was from an OP on here where the OP said "let's call her Wendy" when explaining the problem. Maybe not...

dollius i remember that the case-maybe that original op had read the book and sub consciously used it.

I'd ask the woman who came to your birthday if you'd done anything to upset her or cause her offence as you'd noticed that things were drifting apart.

If you ask a direct question, you may get a direct answer.

If not, just move on. Sending a shitty text to people will make you look silly if there's nothing going on, and give them fuel to the fire if there is something going on.

I do agree it would be satisfying to confront them about this but I wouldn't waste too much time asking why or arguing with them if you do. What's the point? They've obviously decided to push you out for some reason that you will not like. The more angry you get with them the more they will use that to "confirm" their idea that you are not a reasonable person.

I had something similar happen to me, it's a long story but put simply a friend started blanking me in a really obvious way, I eventually confronted her about it. She totally denied it, claimed to be horribly offended and acted as though I was mad. End result, I don't want to speak to her again anyway so wish I'd not bothered with the hassle of confronting her!

Why is it that the school run attracts such queen bitches. I had grief for over four years. Luckily I now have a other year before starting again with my next one but not looking forward to it.

notonethingbutanother

spot on

people move on, for whatever reasons. this can be a bit weird or hurtful
you have little choice about it though
accept it and move on

there will be better friends out there

stewing about being "wendied" changes nothing and keeps you worrying about them and something past
it is only the school gate, you have great mates elsewhere- wear an ipod/chat to other people and you'll feel better soon