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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be hurt by the behaviour of these friends?

82 replies

WhoNeedsEnemies · 09/09/2014 11:32

My DCs attend a fairly small village school, and there are a few mums there that I would class as close friends.

A year ago, an acquaintance of mine moved to this village and her kids started at the school too. Her kids found it hard to settle, and she said she felt horrible on the school run as she didn't know many mums, so I introduced her to my friends, and started to invite her and her kids on days out with us all, and to things like coffee at my house when my friends would be there. In a way she is quite a needy person and always has a lot of problems and conversations seem to revolve around her and her problems.

Shortly before the end of the school year in July, I felt as though my friends and this woman were being a bit offhand with me. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit paranoid, although I'm not generally a paranoid person. It was little things such as they would all be standing together talking at the school and when I arrived they'd stop, and I'd sense an atmosphere. And all but one cancelled coming out for a meal for my birthday, when normally whenever it's anyone's birthday we all go for a night out. They all seemed a bit vague with their reasons. They also all seemed a bit reluctant to meet up with me during the summer holidays. I met up with them a couple of times but they all seemed to be busier than normal. However I took it at face value, and thought perhaps they were all busy and just did other things.

This morning I did the school run as normal. I dropped my DCs off and two of my friends plus the 'new' woman were all standing outside the school talking. I walked up to them and chatted. Normally we all walk home in the same direction. The new woman said this morning that she wasn't walking back in my direction today as she was going to the shop. The other two then both said that they had to go to the shop too. One of them then said that they'd better get a move on as they had a busy morning, and the other two agreed that they had to get a move on too, and off they all went, and I walked in the opposite direction. None of them are normally in a hurry, they usually want to stand and chat for ages each day.

About an hour later I went out in the car, and drove past the school, only to see all three of them standing at the opposite side of the school, none with bags from the shop, and as if they'd all simply walked around the corner from the school to get rid of me, and carried on talking! I waved at them as I drove past but they all looked at me but didn't smile or wave.

I know it all sounds really childish but I am now convinced that they hate me for some reason, and that something is going on, and I feel really upset. I don't tend to fall out with people, and generally get on with everyone, and I hate bad feelings and atmospheres. I guess I am going to have to talk to one of them about it to see what's going on, but I don't want to appear paranoid.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 09/09/2014 12:30

They're a bunch of childish cunts. You don't need them. Stick to your real friends and ignore them at school from now on.

You sound really nice. Thanks

OnlyLovers · 09/09/2014 12:31

'Sorry you're friends are wankers' Grin

Is there a greetings card with that on? There ought to be.

BackInTheGame · 09/09/2014 12:47

Something similar happened to me a few years ago, though it was with colleagues, so really awful as I had to spend 8 hours a day with them! It was also a mix of men and women and the men would still be friendly to me face to face but then just didn't invite me to anything, whereas the women just blanked me full stop.

I tried talking to the woman I had been closest to first and asked her if I had done anything to upset her, but she just denied there was any problem. I then asked her boyfriend who was also a colleague and he just said 'sometimes people drift apart' - maybe, but usually 15 odd people don't 'drift apart' from the same person overnight!

Eventually I found out from the 'weakest' member of the group (after lots of pushing for an answer and coming up with more and more random possible reasons) that I'd made a statement once about how I was anti drugs and didn't understand why people would take them, which had been overheard by one of the group. Turns out they were a fairly druggy group who all did coke when they went out clubbing at the weekends (news to me!) so they had decided to freeze me out!

It was tough for about 8 months as I went from having loads of people to have lunch with and go for drinks with after work to having basically nobody (luckily plenty of friends out of work but I did spend the majority of my time in the office, so not ideal!). But now I am so so glad that they froze me out and I am not friends with them any more. A) I actually don't like drugs so am glad I'm not involved in their druggy scene and B) turns out they're actually not nice people so eventually all turned on each other and now are in very fragmented groups of 4-5 people only. Meanwhile I didn't waste any more time with them and got to know some other lovely people over time who are now some of my closest friends! :-)

Good luck OP, the next couple of months will be tough but the fact is, you would know if you had done something actually bad and you clearly haven't and therefore at least one of them is a horrible person by deciding to cut you out in the first place and the others are weak followers who aren't worth wasting your time on. Fingers crossed they will all fall out with each other in the end and you can smile from afar with your new amazing friends!

Girlwhowearsglasses · 09/09/2014 12:55

YANBU - Ask them - or at least individuals. They may not have thought about exactly how they are coming across: though perhaps if they are aware they will consider their ways.

I think people get carried away in groupthink sometimes- if you don't tell them they may not even realise the effect they are having.

Childish behaviours for sure but I think sometimes we make the mistake of thinking we are all rational adults - when actually our behaviour can be governed by more unconscious rationales.

Terrible for you and not fair

Charlie97 · 09/09/2014 13:02

Personally I would speak to them, probably as a group. I would not question but say more along the lines off ..... You've obviously got an issue with me, not particularly interested as too why but I'll make life easy for you and stop approaching you.

fromparistoberlin73 · 09/09/2014 13:18

oh no! I do agree that anyone who allows themselves to be wendied is a bit of a biatch anyway

2 choices

ask them straight and find out what the crime is, not to make mates again but to understand why

or

ice them, bide your time and see who the next victim is

revenge is a dish best served cold OP, remember that

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 09/09/2014 13:18

hmm,

my thoughts would be not to bother, OnlyLovers put it better than that though.

It must hurt alot op, but you could turn yourself inside out getting upset and caring about this lot.

diddl · 09/09/2014 13:18

Well they are hardly friends, or friends worth having, are they?

Anyone can be friends with who they want, of course, but to drop you is ridiculous!

Has she told them that she won't be their friend if they are yoursHmm

Dump the silly lot of them!

desertmum · 09/09/2014 13:25

watched this happen to a friend of mine a few years ago, the 'Wendy' was a crafty manipulative scheming lying bitch. She engineered a situation where sides had to be taken - three of us stayed with our friend the other 12 went with Wendy (it was a group/team activity type environment). Some of these women had been friends for 20 years and dumped her for Wendy who had moved to the area about 12 months prior. Now a few years down the line they are all fighting with each other, tears, tantrums, fighting, ridiculous passive-aggressive FB posts. My kids are better behaved than these women. The issue was jealousy of my friend - it was a terrible time, and now when they want to get together I simply decline . Can't be bothered with any of them. I do feel for you Who, but really at the end of the day you are better off without these women, who obviously have no backbone and are easily led and not at all loyal.

Tinkerball · 09/09/2014 13:25

I would want to know so would ask but that's just me , and then watch them squirm!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 13:26

I agree you have been Wendied as the Mumsnet popular term. It means exactly what happened to you. Yes they are trying to avoid you, and get rid of you. I would do them all a big favour, and distance myself, they were obviously not who you thought they were, good friends do not do this. If you tried talking to them alone, you might get a bunch of excuses, and oh we would never do that as they are probably not honest to begin with.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 09/09/2014 13:26

This is a horrible thing to have happen to you, but something must have triggered it. If you considered them close friends before and they've defected en masse it must be something you have said or done. The new Wendy might be a red herring, might not be. But people are generally not that easily manipulated by others, unless they have a gripe of their own. Once they get gossiping and realise that others have the same gripe they will close ranks.

I think, hard as it is to do, you need to approach whichever one you feel most comfortable with and ask them.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 09/09/2014 13:27

But if this were me, in all honesty, I think I'd just say 'fuck 'em' and find new friends. I'd try to look like I couldn't give two shits and had barely noticed.

YouTheCat · 09/09/2014 13:29

OP, you won't actually have done anything to them. The 'wendy' will have told them some vast exaggerations (or even outright lies) and that will be what has made them behave like a flock of not very intelligent sheep.

Don't give them a moment more of your thoughts. I wouldn't bother confronting anyone over this. Any answer you might get will be vague and a load of bollocks .

JustDontWantToSay · 09/09/2014 13:33

I'd want to know what was being said about me!! Maybe not to salvage any friendships, but just so I could put people straight if it was awful.

But yes, horrible behaviour and you are far better off without. The Wendy shouldn't allow her insecurities to make her behave like that and the ex friends should have had some loyalty. Lucky escape OP! X

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2014 13:36

Its funny how this has happened since new friend has come on the scene and things were fine before.

Pinot4me · 09/09/2014 13:54

How horrible for you - it made my heart hurt reading it.

If I were you, I would take control of the situation and just move on. If they can drop you that easily then their friendship is not worth fighting for. Whatever you do, you'll be in the wrong. If one of them explains what's wrong, you'll naturally defend yourself, which will be repeated, and will just add fuel to their sad little fire. Take the decision away from them, take control and drop them!

Good luck!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/09/2014 14:14

This is such hurtful behaviour. I think I'd just back away from the group. Say hi and bye in passing but don't stop to speak to them. Have a chat with other mums that you don't know so well. You might make other school gates friends that way. At least you have your "not school" friends to socialise with.

The alternative is to ask the woman who did come out for your birthday what's going on but do you want to give them the satisfaction of letting them know that even give a shit about their childish behaviour. Only ask if you really can't bear not to know what you supposedly did.

Bambambini · 09/09/2014 14:25

They don't sound worth it but I might be tempted to ask one or two what is wrong. Keep it matter of fact, not dramatic and then move on and think yourself lucky you are out of the drama.

Must be horrible though, poor you.

sillystring · 09/09/2014 16:04

I'm sorry you were let down by people you "thought" were friends but I'm afraid I don't buy into this "Wendy" nonsense. Real friends and decent people don't behave like this.

If a friendship group is so easily destroyed by the whispering of one newcomer, it wasn't worth having anyway. Move on, don't bother asking for explanations or reasons, why would you want to know that they'd believed lies from someone they barely knew over an established relationship?

Good luck in finding real friends, this lot are NOT.

Greyhound · 09/09/2014 17:45

Definitely Wendied. Nasty coven of witches they sound.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2014 17:58

sillystring there are enough stories about it on here. It definitely happens. Bullying by exclusion is another way of saying it.

Mintyy · 09/09/2014 17:59

I couldn't ignore it if this happened to me! I'd have to let them know that I'd clocked it.

A mass text "I don't expect any of you have the guts to tell me why you are freezing me out but I don't want you to think I haven't noticed. They say birds of a feather flock together don't they? I wonder who will be next in the group to get the cold shoulder".

If you ignore it then you are not pulling them up on their pathetic behaviour.

Lilacflower · 09/09/2014 19:00

What Mintyy said

StairsInTheNight · 09/09/2014 19:10

Move on. Not worth worrying about. Happens to the best of us- maybe count it as a lucky escape.

Just be polite and cheerful when you see them- and be glad you have other friends!

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