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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not give up our (mine & DH's) bed for PILs when they visit next?

83 replies

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 20:48

Really just wondering if I'm alone in hating other people sleeping in my bed? I love my pils, they are great, kind and wonderful guests. We're currently renting a one bedroom flat while we save to buy a house. They have visited us before, and they slept on a queen size air mattress (which everyone who has ever slept on it including myself has thought to be a really comfortable mattress) and they had no problems on it last time. They'll be in our city again soon and there's a pretty good chance they'll stay with us again. Out of the blue DH said that he didn't like the idea of them sleeping on the air mattress again. I completely understand, his parents are in their mid sixties and I wonder if I am being a poor host by not offering them our bed and for me & DH to sleep on the air mattress next time?

Here's the thing. I really, really hate the thought of anyone else but me & DH sleeping on our bed. I was forced to give up my bed as a child to accommodate an elderly relative whenever she visited. I hated it, she smoked like a chimney and didn't smell good (clean) herself. It used to make me feel physically sick to have to use my bed again after she left each time. I'd sleep on the floor for ages after she'd leave. I clearly developed a germaphobic issue over this.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 08/09/2014 20:53

Given that the precedent has been set that they slept on the air mattress last time, and the suggestion has come from your DH not your PILs, I'd say YANBU. If they had mentioned that the air mattress had been uncomfortable for them (for a specific health issue for example) but you thought the air mattress was comfy, it'd be different.

But maybe deal with the germphobia thing as well

Vitalstatistix · 08/09/2014 20:53

I understand why your experience has left you feeling like that, but I assume your inlaws aren't dirty and smelly? Are they a fit 60 or a creaky 60? is it the getting up off the floor from an air mattress that your husband is worried about? If so, what about putting the air mattress on your bed and you sleeping on your mattress on the floor?

But if you don't want to give up your bedroom, and they aren't stiff arthritic people who struggle to get up off the floor or anything, you aren't being unreasonable. I assume they know that to choose to stay with you means to stay on the airbed?

handcream · 08/09/2014 20:58

What about looking at a Travelodge or Premier Inn, at certain times they really are good value for money?

And they are everywhere...

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 21:01

My pils are in pretty good shape, very independent types and I sincerely believe they were very comfortable on the air mattress (in fact they were expecting to sleep on our sofas and were prepared for that when they last visited, we bought the mattress especially for them.) The air mattress is actually pretty high up - it's 20 inches high so it wouldn't work on top of our bed! - be more like a bouncy castle ;)

Yeah, I know the germaphobic thing is a bit crazy but I don't think it's going away soon...

OP posts:

rainbowinmyroom · 08/09/2014 21:05

They sleep on the air mattress or get a hotel.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 21:06

Handcream - I would love to put them up in a hotel! DH & and I would be happy to pay so that they could have some privacy and better comfort. However, my pils are very thrifty and always stay with family over paying for a hotel. If we tried to pay for a hotel they wouldn't let us, they'd end paying themselves so I don't want to go that route.

OP posts:

Aherdofmims · 08/09/2014 21:10

Explain to them that it would make you happy to pay for the hotel. That you feel bad about offering them the he mattress but have a genuine reason to hate giving up your bed. Perhaps put it that it is for your benefit not theirs. Plus they will get a cooked breakfast!

legoqueen · 08/09/2014 21:11

I would give up the bed - it's a respect & dignity thing, however sprightly they are the mattress genuinely won't be as comfortable as a bed. I do get how your experience as made you feel but these people are completely different.

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2014 21:12

Why don't you buy a mattress cover, sheet, quilt cover and pillows for them and then keep them just for them? You're then covering your bed but they'll be more comfortable.

When I've slept on an air bed I've found it very cold in the morning.

Janethegirl · 08/09/2014 21:16

Hotel or air bed IMO, I wouldn't give up my bed for anyone.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 21:16

I think we'll look if there are any last minute vacation home rentals (with 2 bedrooms and preferably 2 bathrooms!) then we all stay together and make it a family event. That way my mil can feel more comfortable about pitching in and doing some of the cooking as well. She is very much a helper and hates sitting around in "guest" mode.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone!

OP posts:

iwantgin · 08/09/2014 21:17

I don't want anyone sleeping in my bed either. It's for me, DH (and DS when he was a lot younger).

So, YANBU

We had overseas visitors a while back- and I just paid for a Premier Inn for them. I can't do with extra people hanging around my house and hogging the bathroom. At least with a hotel you get nighttimes to yourselves - both host and guest.

Stick to the air mattress i say. It's not for ever .

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 08/09/2014 21:18

I duno. My parents are of a smilar age and we always give them our bed and sleep on the sofa bed. I understand you have germ issues but given you DH wants to give them the bed i think you should change the sheets and just get on with it.

hoobypickypicky · 08/09/2014 21:21

It's your home so your choice but personally I would always give my bedroom up to guests if there wasn't a spare room, whether they're my parents or visiting friends of my own age. I just think of it as the polite and thoughtful thing to do, it's only for a short while, not for good so where's the harm?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 08/09/2014 21:21

I don't like it. We have a comfy air mattress, but last time they came MIL had a "bad back" so we had to give up our bed. FIL doesn't wash as much as he should and doesn't believe in deodorant, so yes, he whiffs a bit. MIL wore my dressing gown in the morning.

I am now aware that a precedent has been set. Although to be fair usually they stay in a hotel, it was just that last time they hadn't realised that all the hotels would be booked as the Tour de France came through (forward planning not a strong point!)

PistolWhipped · 08/09/2014 21:24

It depends. Will they be having sex in your bed? There's something about geriatric semen that's really quite discomfiting (and it tastes horrid, too).

maddening · 08/09/2014 21:24

Get a mattress protector?

maddening · 08/09/2014 21:24

Ps I like the holiday rental better :)

Cat2014 · 08/09/2014 21:25

My mum is in her 60s but fit and healthy. We never give up our bed when she stays with us. The air mattress is fine!
When she gets older or if she has any health issues it will be different.

MaryWestmacott · 08/09/2014 21:26

Can you accomodate a sofa bed in your front room? Would probably not be far off the cost of a hotel for a few nights for 2 visits, and would be more like a proper bed rather than an airbed on the floor. (if getting on and off is an issue).

I also hate the idea of anyone else staying in my bed. I've made it clear to my parents they have a choice between airbed/sofa or a B&B. (there's a very nice one only round the corner from us, less than 2 minutes walk)

Topseyt · 08/09/2014 21:27

I get where you are coming from. I am rather territorial about our bed and my creature comforts.

It suited both our sets of parents too though to stay in a local hotel 5 minutes walk away from our house whenever they wanted to spend a weekend. Both preferred it. It meant they had their privacy and creature comforts too plus a cooked breakfast before coming to our house and becoming enmeshed in the chaos of three children.

On one occasion only we did give our bed to my PIL. They had come down for a week to look after our two daughters (then aged 4 and 1) whilst husband and I flew to New York because he was running the New York marathon. That was fair enough as they had to remain in the house with the girls anyway.

For the odd weekend though when we are all gathering here we don't do that though. The go for the hotel. Much easier all around.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 08/09/2014 21:29

Pistol

ChoudeBruxelles · 08/09/2014 21:29

I hate air mattresses, particularly double ones which move when the other person moved about.

I would always offer my bed to guests if we didn't have a spare bed.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 21:29

Iwantgin - Yes, our place is very small and we only have one bathroom. Last visit we all muddled along as well as possible but I did find myself cleaning little urine puddles around the base of the toilet everyday (not sure if it's mil or fil...) So the bathroom sharing is another part of pils visits where stiff-upper lip is required.

I also just remembered an advantage to having the privacy of our bedroom! My pils are deadset against alcohol. We don't even bother having a glass of wine with dinner when they visit (mil looks too sad when we do.) When they last stayed for a week, DH resorted to smuggling a bottle of wine into our bedroom so we could have a nightcap and to decompress. It was needed lol.

OP posts:

crazykat · 08/09/2014 21:30

I wouldn't give up my bed for anyone either. I'm quite territorial about my bed/bedroom. Luckily we live close to our parents as I hate to be in this position.

If you're not comfortable giving up your bed then don't.

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