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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not give up our (mine & DH's) bed for PILs when they visit next?

83 replies

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 20:48

Really just wondering if I'm alone in hating other people sleeping in my bed? I love my pils, they are great, kind and wonderful guests. We're currently renting a one bedroom flat while we save to buy a house. They have visited us before, and they slept on a queen size air mattress (which everyone who has ever slept on it including myself has thought to be a really comfortable mattress) and they had no problems on it last time. They'll be in our city again soon and there's a pretty good chance they'll stay with us again. Out of the blue DH said that he didn't like the idea of them sleeping on the air mattress again. I completely understand, his parents are in their mid sixties and I wonder if I am being a poor host by not offering them our bed and for me & DH to sleep on the air mattress next time?

Here's the thing. I really, really hate the thought of anyone else but me & DH sleeping on our bed. I was forced to give up my bed as a child to accommodate an elderly relative whenever she visited. I hated it, she smoked like a chimney and didn't smell good (clean) herself. It used to make me feel physically sick to have to use my bed again after she left each time. I'd sleep on the floor for ages after she'd leave. I clearly developed a germaphobic issue over this.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 08/09/2014 23:22

I have reached a point in my life where I will not give up my bedroom or ensuite for anyone and I don't feel the need to apologise for it. Guests take what they are given, or they can stay elsewhere.

littledrummergirl · 08/09/2014 23:31

I gave up my bed when I was a child but began to resent it as I grew older.
When we had room pil slept in spare bed, then sofa bed and now that all the rooms are full of dc and only mil one of the dc give up their bed.
We have just bought ds1 and ds2 new beds and mattresses. Ds1 said he no longer wants to give up his bed and we respect his wishes.
Ds2 has said he is happy to sleep elswhere however I kept his old mattress and switch it for mil.
Not sure what we will do when he objects as dd is in a high bed and mil is no longer sprightly.
Yanbu

gamescompendium · 08/09/2014 23:40

We have an air bed, DM always sleeps on it. We've found putting a woolen blanket under a (thick) undersheet and then using a flannelette sheet keeps the bed warm. Basically lots of insulation.

I'd never give my bed up for someone, guests who are taking advantage of your hospitality have to put up with a little discomfort. FWIW I've never been offered someone's bed when I've visited someone else either so I don't think I'm that unusual.

Surfsup1 · 09/09/2014 00:24

When my parents were in their 50s I would have put them on an air mattress, but not now they're in their mid 60s/early 70s. My FIL simply couldn't manage it and my parents would have a terrible time of it.

Do you have an issue in hotels?

lorriehearts · 09/09/2014 10:30

I had no idea that giving up your bed was the done thing: I've never done it and never would; I'm uncomfortable sleeping in anyone else's bed likewise.

OP: If your PILs have said they're happy with the airbed, just pop them on the comfortably made-up air bed.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2014 10:39

I would never in a million years expect my Mum and dad to sleep on an air mattress.
When they stay they get the best bed in the house and that's mine and DP's bed.
Fresh bedding. Cleaned en-suite and nice clean towels.
I'm just sooooo not precious about my bed.
I love it but it's just a bed.

gotthemoononastick · 09/09/2014 10:41

Stick with the mattress idea.It worked last time and giving up your bed now would embarrass them.

We could and would no more sleep in our adult childrens' beds than fly to the moon!

Would not even dream of going in to their bedrooms,unless invited.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2014 10:41

And my M&D NEVER take advantage of my hospitality.
I think I must have the best M&D in the world!

MidniteScribbler · 09/09/2014 10:48

Do you have an issue in hotels?

Hotels are completely different to someone's personal space. My bedroom and ensuite belong to me, they aren't designed to be shared. I have everything set up how I like it, I have my underwear in the drawers, my medication in the bathroom cabinet.

Moving out of my bedroom and ensuite for a guest would actually more disruptive and less hospitable. Am I supposed to take all my clothes out, or do I have to keep going in and out to get my belongings as I need them? What if I realise at midnight that I need tampons or some medication, do I wake them up to go in there and get what I need?

Anyone one that would expect someone to move out of their bedroom to accommodate them is rude. Stay in a hotel if the available accommodations are not to your liking.

Ragwort · 09/09/2014 10:53

I would always give up my bed and one of the reasons is that I like to be up and about first in the morning and quite honestly would prefer not to have people sleeping in my living room.

But I have vowed that if I ever become an in-law I will always, always book in at a local travel lodge or similar .

murphys · 09/09/2014 10:59

I had family members sleeping in our bed before. It was the absolute bloody last time when I discovered that she slept naked in MY bed........

I just cannot get past this. The bloody audacity!

I absolutely refuse to give up my bed to them ever again.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/09/2014 11:00

I'm the same as Midnite.
OP, could you just book (and pay for) a nice hotel room nearby for them, say it was some kind of offer/on hotel points or that it is a treat because you want them to be comfortable?

Surfsup1 · 09/09/2014 11:06

Midnite I was more asking about whether the germ-phobe issues were only related to her own bed or did they make it impossible to sleep in any bed that other people might have occupied.

FWIW my Dh has all his clothes in the spare bedroom as the wardrobe in our room is barely enough for my clothes, so when we have guests he collects the next day's clothes from their room each evening so he has them for the morning. He has on occasion forgotten something and, yes, he just quietly goes in while they're asleep and retrieves it or knocks in the morning while they lie in bed - no biggy as it's only my parents not some random stranger.

BuggersMuddle · 09/09/2014 11:17

To me it would depend on level of fitness and the type of airbed to be honest. If they are fit and comfortable, not a problem.

We have one of those air beds that turns into a full height bed and it is very comfortable (probably moreso than many cheap beds to be honest). It also has a brushed cotton top so not cold. I really wouldn't feel bad giving P/PIL that and staying in our own bed. We got it on offer and I would genuinely be happy to sleep on it myself. Might be an option as and when your airbed needs replaced?

Chattymummyhere · 09/09/2014 11:44

I would never give up my bed for anyone. It's just gross really their sweat getting on my mattress and god forbid is they has sex and seamen soaks though!! Ewww that would be a burn the mattress offence. If we have people stay they get two options..

Our big corner sofa with pouf which then is bigger than a double bed or a double air bed under ds high sleeper

Crinkle77 · 09/09/2014 12:16

I think it's a bit odd that they don't offer to stay in a b&b. I know you said they are thrifty but surely it must be awkward for everyone concerned.

drudgetrudy · 09/09/2014 12:17

Depends on their level of fitness and whether they would be very uncomfortable. People in their 60s vary a lot in how agile they are.
Personally I would look into deals at a nearby travelodge as your accommodation is a one bedroomed flat.
They may actually feel a bit awkward themselves about sleeping in your bed in your room.

MrsWinnibago · 09/09/2014 12:23

I could not let older relatives sleep on an air bed. I just couldn't. Get a mattress cover...and keep it for their visits.

Momagain1 · 09/09/2014 12:31

Point that out to him, Rainbunny, that should clinch it! Drinking wine in the living room once they are tucked up means having to remember to tidy all that away before they get up, risky. Are there any other activities that arent happening if the two of you are on an air mattress in the public room?

Any chance he is mentioning it because they have mentioned it to him? Rather than it being his own idea?

KellyElly · 09/09/2014 13:17

I think if you have a one bedroom flat then it's better all round if people stay in a hotel/b&b as there just isn't the room. Fine if it's a mate who's happy to kip on the sofa, but in this situation they are unreasonable to expect to be put up when there isn't the room.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 09/09/2014 15:28

Spoke to DH about this and got a fuller explanation. Pils have not mentioned anything about being uncomfortable on the air bed (btw it is the type that is a full height queen size bed with brushed cotton top to answer a poster's question). Turns out DH was trying to introduce the idea of a renting a house for the week as he wants everyone to have a bedroom and more space. DH says the lack of space and 4 people sharing a single bathroom drove him nuts last visit. I wish he could have explained it this way from the start! So I can stop worrying about guests in my bed ;)

OP posts:

handcream · 09/09/2014 17:40

Renting a house for a week. Isnt that a bit drastic! I think the age thing is irrelevant. They know you live in a one bed flat, they want to come and stay, they don want to stay in a Travelodge even if you paid. Its not always about your guests and what they want.

I had the bed wetting elderly lady in my bed 30 yrs ago and its put me off for life!

Surfsup1 · 10/09/2014 06:30

I have to day that the brush cotton top isn't enough to warm those beds. I've been known to get ours out one super-hot nights (I'm in Aus) as sleeping on it is enough to cool me down to the point where I need blankets (on a 30+ degree night). On any other night of the year a mattress cover/topper is essential.

Trickydecision · 10/09/2014 09:05

For heaven's sake, they are only mid 60s, not exactly one foot in the grave. I am 70 abd have just been on holiday where zip lines were a big feature so I think I could cope with an airbed.

drudgetrudy · 10/09/2014 09:18

A lot of people in their mid 60s could cope with an air bed but some couldn't. You are lucky to have good health tricky.

If it is actually your PIL that don't want to consider alternatives like a travelodge or holiday let I'd give them the air bed to be honest. It sounds as if they are okay with it.

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