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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not give up our (mine & DH's) bed for PILs when they visit next?

83 replies

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 20:48

Really just wondering if I'm alone in hating other people sleeping in my bed? I love my pils, they are great, kind and wonderful guests. We're currently renting a one bedroom flat while we save to buy a house. They have visited us before, and they slept on a queen size air mattress (which everyone who has ever slept on it including myself has thought to be a really comfortable mattress) and they had no problems on it last time. They'll be in our city again soon and there's a pretty good chance they'll stay with us again. Out of the blue DH said that he didn't like the idea of them sleeping on the air mattress again. I completely understand, his parents are in their mid sixties and I wonder if I am being a poor host by not offering them our bed and for me & DH to sleep on the air mattress next time?

Here's the thing. I really, really hate the thought of anyone else but me & DH sleeping on our bed. I was forced to give up my bed as a child to accommodate an elderly relative whenever she visited. I hated it, she smoked like a chimney and didn't smell good (clean) herself. It used to make me feel physically sick to have to use my bed again after she left each time. I'd sleep on the floor for ages after she'd leave. I clearly developed a germaphobic issue over this.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

crazykat · 08/09/2014 21:32

I don't even like my kids getting in our bed. I don't mind for a quick cuddle at the weekend but that's it. I could have never co-slept it would have driven me nuts.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 08/09/2014 21:35

YANBU

I wouldn't give up my bed for anyone in the entire world

They sound lovely so I'm sure it won't be an issue, if you give them the choice of hotel or air mattress then it's their call and you'll know they're comfortable

zipzap · 08/09/2014 21:39

I'm with you - I don't like the idea of other people sleeping on our bed and on top of that of them being in our bedroom so potentially being nosy and looking at stuff and having to move heaven and earth to tidy it all up to a state I'd feel happy about them looking through it at.

Has your dh said why he would prefer them to be in your bedroom - do you think one of them said something to him? And does he know that you hate the thought of other people (not just your pil!) sleeping in your bed?

I don't think you are being a bad host making them sleep on the blow up mattress if your pil are in good health. It also saves lots of grief of you having to go in to get stuff when they are in there or asleep and you not being able to get it etc. Will they get disturbed if they are in the lounge and you are getting up to work in the morning - do you have to go through it or is the kitchen connected to it or ??? - could that be a reason why your dh thinks you should be in the lounge?

Imperial - we had to sleep on a blow up mattress for a few months for a number of reasons and also found it to be cold. Whilst this was great initially during a heatwave, it's not so good at other times. However, it's easily remedied by putting duvet underneath you - then it's lovely and cosy and you don't lose heat to the mattress (normal mattresses have lots of padding and insulation built into them for just this reason, but air mattresses don't).

TheFilthiestPersonAlive · 08/09/2014 21:46

She looks SAD when you have wine?! Sheesh. I think you're setting a precedent drinking in secret to be honest.

I wouldn't like giving up my bed either. Hopefully you can buy your house soon and have a dedicated guest room.

hamptoncourt · 08/09/2014 21:58

YANBU about the bed.

However, YABU to hide your glass of wine with dinner - you are adults and it's a tiny bit pathetic that you are worried about PILS disapproval.

Do you really care what they think or is DH a bit of a mummys boy?

Sicaq · 08/09/2014 22:01

I dunno, to me it is the default that you give up your bed for guests - you change sheets before and after, obviously!

Entirely up to you, but I am actually surprised at posters who would ask their parents to sleep on an airbed.

Hovis2001 · 08/09/2014 22:16

I completely understand the wine thing - my PILs don't entirely approve and whilst we do drink in front of them a lot of the enjoyment is sucked out of it by the slightly sad / distressed glances!

I think, the nebulous nature of hosting etiquette aside, you should do what ensures everyone is comfortable and happy and is not having their personal boundaries, whatever they are, encroached upon. My PILs live a long way away so visits are always fairly long and we're only slowly learning that it isn't always best to adapt so much for the benefit of guests that you then feel uncomfortable or even just a little bit strange in your own home. That just leads to angst and tension and makes for a worse visit! I think offering to pay for a hotel / self catering place with emphasis on it being for your peace of mind and happiness would be a good solution, if you can afford it.

AlpacaPicnic · 08/09/2014 22:16

I would be aghast if someone offered me their own bed to sleep in. No way, I just couldn't relax sleeping in someone else's bed. Likewise, I couldn't relax if someone else was sleeping in mine.

I don't even like staying in b+bs though, feels too invasive, because it is someone's house.

This is why hotels were invented people!

SusanStoLat · 08/09/2014 22:21

DH and I always gave visiting DP/PIL our bed when our DC were small -- now WE are the DP/PIL - and we find ourselves once again sleeping on sofas or airbeds when we visit them
As DH said to me, 'Where did we go wrong..?'

HappyYoni · 08/09/2014 22:24

I always offer up my bed to guests, seems rude not to. But fortunately none of my friends/family are stinky buggers so I do t have to worry bout the smell!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 22:26

I'm not germophobic but I'm not giving up my bed for anyone, ever. Guests sleep where they're put.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 22:28

Oh goodness I'm only being lighthearted about sneaking wine to bed... it seems like a verboten treat to have a nightcap and chat privately after a long day of hosting. The main point I was trying to make (and failed with the humour sorry) was that I value the brief chances of privacy in our bedroom. Our place is very small and we are all on top of each other during these visits.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 08/09/2014 22:33

All of our adult dc give us their beds when we stay with them. We bought one of those big mattresses so we could use that but none of them will let us use it. None of them has a spare room as such. Dss1 has a sofa bed which they sleep on if we visit, dss2 and his dw use our airbed in their study and give us their bed. Ds and his dw vary. If it is just me I have the small double in the study but if it is dh and me we have the big bed and ds and ddil have the study. Dd and dsil sleep on futon in dgs1's room and give us their bed.

mausmaus · 08/09/2014 22:34

yanbu
no one except dh and I (and occassionally the dc) sleeps in my bed.
sofabed or hotel it is.

handcream · 08/09/2014 22:39

Many many years ago when I was living at home my Aunt's Mother was staying and because she was her her 80's and had difficulty walking I was told I needed to give up my bed. I cannot remember where I ended up sleeping but I do remember over 30 yrs later that she wasn't dry at night and needed to wear protective pants.

I agree with some others. I wouldn't ever give my bed up for someone else. Sorry..

myroomisatip · 08/09/2014 22:41

Bloody hell! I would neither give up my bed nor my wine!

Good grief! If they are so thifty they would sleep on an air bed rather than pay for a hotel then that is their problem.

AND for what it is worth, I slept on an air bed for over a year and it was perfectly comfortable and I am well over 60.

Good luck with this one :) !

WitchOfEndor · 08/09/2014 22:45

My exP didn't like the thought of his parents staying in the perfectly fine double bed in our spare room, he wanted them to have our bed and use of the ensuite instead of having to walk across the hall to the bathroom. Funnily enough he didn't have an issue with my DM using the spare room and family bathroom when she had visited the month before. Kind of took the wind out of his sails when I pointed that out!

Stick with what worked last time. I wouldn't want anyone else using my bed, it's mine!

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 23:01

Well it won't last forever. We just relocated to this city, and we are now closer to pils home than previously. We just sold our last place and are renting for 1-3 years in our plan, then we hope to buy a house with no mortgage needed. That's why we went for a one bedroom tiny place (save money), we didn't anticipate the pils determination to visit us more frequently than before.

I really do love my pils, they are as different as could be from me: vehemently T-Total, devoutly religious and very conservative. I'm a flaming liberal atheist and yet they have welcomed me with open arms. Even when DH and I lived together for 5 years before marriage, something that caused my pils much genuine distress, they never said a word about their feelings to me in all that time, just kept being welcoming. I knew their feelings on the subject but they never made me feel anything other than loved.

Hovis - yes! If BIL & SIL are around, Dh and I happily drink wine with pils. When it's just DH & I and pils, just isn't as enjoyable.

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 08/09/2014 23:01

I wouldn't want to sleep in anybody else's bed, either.

Think of all the dead skin cells. Although a hotel is no better really, from that perspective.

pigsDOfly · 08/09/2014 23:02

Speaking as a someone who is fit and in her mid sixties I would feel very uncomfortable with the idea of any of my children, or anyone else come to that, giving up their bed for me.

Likewise I wouldn't give up my bed for anyone either.

And I'd find the urine puddles around the loo would make the idea of them in my bed even less attractive; makes them seem a bit old and leaky tbh.

Original poster

Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 23:10

Oh Endoplasmic - I have issues with some hotels too! I've been known to triple check the bedbugregistry.com for hotels in the states (where we reside currently).

I keep thinking these sleep sacks that I see on those in-flight magazines look appealing too -for use on hotel beds:

www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/travelfresh-sleepsack-reg/1016037044

OP posts:

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain · 08/09/2014 23:14

I would give up the bed - it's a respect & dignity thing, however sprightly they are the mattress genuinely won't be as comfortable as a bed. I do get how your experience as made you feel but these people are completely different.

This ^ really. For me I would always give up my bed. I don't have the germophobia issue though and appreciate that it is contributing to the problem.

Fluffyears · 08/09/2014 23:17

I hate sleeping on other people beds or giving up mine. Could you buy a mattress topper then turn mattress over after their stay?

whois · 08/09/2014 23:17

I find it really hard to understand the 'my bedroom/bed is my sanctuary' thing.

Surely with fresh sheets a bed is a bed?

Happy to have friends and family in my room and stay in my bed. Happy for friends to sit with my in my bedroom or have a nap on/in the bed should they need it eg at a party.

DP and I don't really have any personal stuff on display and the bedroom is fantastically neat - I might feel differently if my pants were all over the floor (or if my friends were mucky or nosey!). I trust no one will go opening drawers and finding sex toys or anything!

I think most of my friends are the same. Goes part and parcel of having friends in your bedroom at uni rooms, or in house shares, and now living in small flats.

One if the nicest memories I have of my best friend is of me and her sitting in her bed watching TV as the one in the sitting room was broken. Our DPs got back from the pub with two other friends and our DPs got in with us (we were all clothed!) and the other two got cushions from the sitting room and made up nests on the floor. Lovely lazy winter Sunday afternoon.

TheCraicDealer · 08/09/2014 23:17

You've suggested that they've mooted the idea of visiting again- presumably this means they were happy enough with the air bed last time. Even if they are bothered, they're not bothered enough to fork out $50 a night or whatever for a motel room.

When you're furnishing your new place consider getting a good quality sofa bed for the lounge so that you don't have to have this debate even if / when you have kids who will selfishly steal your 'spare' room

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