Am I being unreasonable to being hurt by other's reactions to my empty nest

[Baxterismyboo]

Hi. I would be grateful on other perspectives to my current dilemma. Brief background: I am in my mid 50s with 2 sons aged 24 and 26. I was a single parent for 23 years. My eldest left 7 years ago to go to Uni and my youngest moved out just over a week ago to live with a friend. I have tried to be supportive to both of them, helping them move, being stuff for the new flat etc etc.
I fully accept that this is the best thing for both of them. They are both young men and need to make their way in life. However, thus is a real end of a chapter for me and the future is slightly scary. I am now living alone, I don't have a partner as such. Both my parents are dead. I have friends but none of them are in the same position as me and they don't understand. I am getting comments like 'Treat it like a new adventure' (smug married friend). My youngest son has not been to see me once since he moved out or invited me round since I dropped off the last of his stuff. ( I know it has only been just over a week but he lives a mike away).
My eldest is almost verbally attacking me when he phones me by telling me that I knew this would happen one day so why am I bothered?Why did I get a dog when I knew that they would eventually move out. (Dog nearly 2) Why don't I move in with someone else? (Who???) Sell up and move nearer my brother? How dare I text him and mention that I am living alone because he knows that? Why should he keep in touch with his brother now?
I honestly feel that I have wasted the last 23 years devoting myself to them, working hard and making sacrifices if this is how I am treated, like some sort if weird pariah. I have never felt so alone. I will get used to the whole living alone thing, but all I am looking for is a little understanding, a little empathy. Am I over reacting as I don't seem to get this from family and so called friends? I am truly trying to put on a brave face to the rest if the world.

Why is your eldest being so mean about it?
Do you keep sending him self-pitying texts?
I woujdbt expect younger son to have visited when he only moved out a week ago tbh

My youngest son has not been to see me once since he moved out or invited me round since I dropped off the last of his stuff. ( I know it has only been just over a week but he lives a mike away).

This is a bit martyred. I know it must be hard and I sympathise but... you need to get over it!

Clubs? Dating? Reading groups? Running club?

I promise your boys will come back to you! You are their mum. Don't alienate them in the mean time by being a guilt trip they don't want or need. Forget gratitude: After all "they didn't ask to be born!"

when I left home (only child) I didn't see or speak to my parents very much for months - I was too busy enjoying living away from home. Fwiw, I now see them several times a week and we are very close.

If you are texting them telling them how sad you feel, I can almost guarantee they won't know how to react to it (hence your DS's comments).

It may be a cliché, but you need to get out there and be proactive, join clubs and live your life. I am sure your DSs will come back to you - leaving home is a fairly hectic time and you don't consider your parents as much as you should, unfortunately!

Well knowing that something will happen doesn't stop it bothering!

Are you moaning/whining to your eldest?

Give your youngest chance if it's only just over a week!

What was your "smug married" friend supposed to say?

When you moved out of your parents house, did you go to visit them in the first week? Did they call (presumably too long ago for texts) to remind you that they were alone now?

I can see why this is a big change for you, but it does sound like you're laying it on very thick about how terrible they are being to you.

A week is no time when you are young and starting to live away from home. And why exactly are you texting your older son mentioning the fact that you are alone now? What point are you trying to make to him? It does sound like you are trying to make him feel guilty about it.

Sitting home waiting for them to call or visit is no way to live your life.

I think you need to realise your sons are young men who are creating a new life for themselves - if they were constantly back at your house I would worry they were incapable of being independent.

They will come back if/when they need to.

BTW my MIL didn't hear from one of her sons (my BIL) for 5 years - so a week is pretty minor.

You may also want to consider that your primary focus is no longer being "mum" because they are now grown men.

You're not being unreasonable at all. My children are still young but I already know I'll feel the way you do when they up and leave the nest. I'm absolutely dreading it! It's only fair you'll miss them; they grew in you, were born from you and raised at least in part by you. I don't know why people don't get this. ..I spent most of my childhood and teenage years fantasising about the years with a young family, I've always felt it was what I was meant for. Already my friends have waned since I had children and if I'm not active in planning an alternative I could well be very lonely when my children grow up.

Do you think perhaps your eldest either doesn't get it or feels a little sad for you but doesn't know how to articulate it? It's completely understandable you feel the way you do and yes you will need to get on with it and find your own way but goodness it's only been a week!! give your youngest time, you'll get an invite or a visit. In the meantime congratulate yourself on raising two boys who have gained enough confidence and independence to make their own way in the world. It will take time but you'll find things to fill the gaps in time and your relationships with them will adapt to fit your new lives. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope in time it gets easier for you

Why is your older one saying things like that? Is it be aside you are all 'woe is me, I'm all alone, I'm so sad'? Because if so no wonder he is being a bit mean. It's not on your sons to make you feel better.

Plus a week is NOTHING to go without seeing your younger one.

I can see that this is hard for you but I think you need to maintain boundaries and give your sons space. They'll come back to you but don't make them resentful or feel responsible for your happiness.

I understand (or can imagine) how you feel and it must be painful.

But it's really, really important you put yourself in your son's shoes and keep a lid on all of this!

It is not fair to guilt trip them about how sad you feel. Nor make any comment about not hearing from them for a week!

It will only backfire anyway as they will not want to speak to you or will do so out of duty rather than fancying a chat. My mother used to guilt trip me terribly and I felt such resentment and stress. I had to tell her in the end and although I'm now in my 40s and see her a lot, I feel I always have to hold her at arm's lengtgh.

As others have said, young people have their lives to lead and don't (and shouldn't!
) put their parents at the top of their priority lists anymore.

My three are 12, 13 and 15 and I've been saying to them for years that they owe me nothing and that their future partners and even friends will become more important to them than us as they get older and that's fine.

I just hope I've been ok as a mum and they will actually think of visiting and want to spend time with me.

I would look into ways of trying to build up your social life. I don't know if you work, but try and join in any social events they have. Volunteer if you have the time. There are lots of volunteering opportunities, during the week and at the weekend, covering a whole host of things. Go to the reading group at your library, start to learn golf. Whatever it is, just try and keep busy. It won't be easy but, with a bit of effort, you will hopefully soon be busy enough to say "no, sorry, I can't, I'm already doing ....." when one of your sons next asks you to do something. I promise you they will, and I promise you they will be shocked!

I don't know how often you are texting, emailing, phoning them, but try and cut this down to a minimum. They will start to feel guilt tripped, and this will make them lash out.

I think they are just being typical lads. I am sure they are not doing it on purpose, they just haven't thought. My mum became widowed in her 50's and joined the U3A. She has never looked back and they run all sorts of activities. She has made loads of new friends and in fact has a better social life now than she ever had.

I honestly feel that I have wasted the last 23 years devoting myself to them, working hard and making sacrifices if this is how I am treated,

That is an appalling attitude, OP. They didn't ask you to do that, or even to have children. If you had known that your younger son would not visit you for a whole week after he moved out, what would you have done differently?

I was married when I was younger than your sons, OP. They are old enough to be qualified doctors, teachers, accountants etc. They are old enough to have children in primary school.

Can you honestly say that their current interactions with you are all one sided?

There's nothing smug about deciding to treat it like a new adventure. Laying it on thick about being alone now isn't going to pull them back and will probably drive them even further away. This is a new phase of your life and it's time for you to re-define your role as a person because life is not ever going to go back to how it was.

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely. It is a new chapter in your life and it is very hard to find yourself living alone. I was in this position (except they kept coming back ) so I know how you feel. I don't think people who are part of a couple do realise what it's like to live completely alone.

However... you sound as though you are sending self-pitying texts to your elder son, at least, who does have a right, at 25 or so, to live away from you. Do you find there's a particular time of day when you're feeling down? If so, put the phone away then!

As far as your youngest son is concerned, give him a bit more time, then send a text saying something like, "Making shepherd's pie tomorrow night - fancy coming round for dinner?" If he can't come round, don't take it personally. You must remember how exciting it was leaving home - I doubt most of us gave our parents a second thought at the time, but it doesn't mean we didn't love them.

Hi Baxter.

First, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel hurt, or to feel lonely, or if you feel angry, sad, whatever. Sounds totally understandable to me, and I really feel for you.

Second, however, I think you should find almost any outlet for this (bar substance abuse, etc.) to prevent your sons bearing the brunt. Others have suggested great things to keep occupied, or if you just need someone to talk to/rant at, there are 24 hour a day helplines. I say this NOT because I think it would be wrong for them to know you're upset or to take any responsibility, but because it will not work in your favour to make them feel guilty. Make them welcome always, help out if/when you can and want to, but don't rely on them for company/emotional support if you can help it. Trying to keep them too close is extremely likely to push them away in the long run.

Good luck and I hope things feel better soon

I honestly feel that I have wasted the last 23 years devoting myself to them, working hard and making sacrifices if this is how I am treated

You do sound a bit dramatic. He hasn't said anything in a week? That's it?

When I first moved out I barely spoke to my parents for a few months because I was too busy having fun. Now I have facebook I keep in touch pretty regularly.

Your sons aren't responsible for your happiness. You are. Trying acting happy for them and asking what's going on? Or wait a few weeks and invite them to tea (the onus can't always be on them).

Look on places like meetup.com and find groups to go to.

Well one lesson you are learning very late into parenthood is that you do not put effort into raising children as a way of tying them to you and making them feel guilty later on. It's not a tit-for-tat process and expecting your children to spend time with you out of a sense of obligation is a sure-fire way of destroying any relationship you have with them. You devoted your time to them because that was your duty as a parent. They owe you nothing for that.

Your son moved out a week ago. No matter if he lived next door, the fact that he hasn't seen you isn't unusual. Give him a chance to settle in and get used to his new life.

It's normal to mourn an empty nest. But getting angry at your children and sending self-pitying texts about living alone is not going to help.

Now is the time to get a life of your own and let your sons live theirs.

If your youngest just moved out aged 24, then you've had someone at home for longer than average. It's a boy thing, the non communication. And yes, they do come back...

You need to set them free, and they will come to you.

It sounds as if you are expecting gratitude and guilt from them.

At that age it is normla for them to to see you for a week, or even a month, IMO.

I am sorry it is hard for you, I think it will be something I'll find hard too.

But laying on guilt trips only pushes them away, IMO

Wow, thanks for the comments! Just to clarify, I work full time ( though not today). I have made a concerted effort NOT to guilt trip my boys and am leaving it up to my youngest when he does visit. I have not been bombarding them with texts about how miserable I am, (so not the way to do it)it was a slightly tongue in cheek comment about living alone that my eldest seems to have taken the wrong way. I think he doesn't know what to do to help( I'm not expecting him to do anything) which makes him feel uncomfortable so he goes on the excessive advice tack. Just a ' it must be strange for you Mum but I'm sure you'll get used to it' would have done.

baxter I suspect eldest feels a bit worried and guilty and is expressing it very badly! I emphasise how you feel- however now is the time to back off and focus energies elsewhere

remeber you, as a single mum raised 2 boys that are doing well, and have their own lives. YOU HAVE DONE GREAT= just sounds like you feel a tad lost and insecure right now

let is slide, bit do think about some practical ways to get YOUR life up n running , as it wont happen by itself xx

Even if your comments are tongue in cheek your genuine feelings will be leaking out - your boys will know that you are pissed off and feeling neglected. I think it's fine to say "I am feeling very lonely without you boys, I loved our life together, but I'll be fine. I'm just missing you and would love to see you whenever you're free." If your eldest starts getting aggressive just end the conversation.