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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to being hurt by other's reactions to my empty nest

80 replies

Baxterismyboo · 08/09/2014 14:51

Hi. I would be grateful on other perspectives to my current dilemma. Brief background: I am in my mid 50s with 2 sons aged 24 and 26. I was a single parent for 23 years. My eldest left 7 years ago to go to Uni and my youngest moved out just over a week ago to live with a friend. I have tried to be supportive to both of them, helping them move, being stuff for the new flat etc etc.
I fully accept that this is the best thing for both of them. They are both young men and need to make their way in life. However, thus is a real end of a chapter for me and the future is slightly scary. I am now living alone, I don't have a partner as such. Both my parents are dead. I have friends but none of them are in the same position as me and they don't understand. I am getting comments like 'Treat it like a new adventure' (smug married friend). My youngest son has not been to see me once since he moved out or invited me round since I dropped off the last of his stuff. ( I know it has only been just over a week but he lives a mike away).
My eldest is almost verbally attacking me when he phones me by telling me that I knew this would happen one day so why am I bothered?Why did I get a dog when I knew that they would eventually move out. (Dog nearly 2) Why don't I move in with someone else? (Who???) Sell up and move nearer my brother? How dare I text him and mention that I am living alone because he knows that? Why should he keep in touch with his brother now?
I honestly feel that I have wasted the last 23 years devoting myself to them, working hard and making sacrifices if this is how I am treated, like some sort if weird pariah. I have never felt so alone. I will get used to the whole living alone thing, but all I am looking for is a little understanding, a little empathy. Am I over reacting as I don't seem to get this from family and so called friends? I am truly trying to put on a brave face to the rest if the world.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 08/09/2014 22:57

yy not death

utterly dysfunctional thinking to describe imagine etc that it is

Nusalembongan · 08/09/2014 23:00

It was the posters mother who felt this way though not the poster, agree not like a death of course but can imagine it would be a bit like grief in many ways. End of an era and especially with boys as they tend to be pretty flaky at keeping in touch.

OP when I left home at 17 I didn't look back once to my shame. I broke my parents' hearts as I was awful and behaved atrociously, you come back to them when you are older.

Nusalembongan · 08/09/2014 23:01

ps a week is bugger all

backbystealth · 08/09/2014 23:03

MrsDeVere Thanks

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/09/2014 05:35

I remember on my 22nd birthday my grandmother sent me a lovely card. So I called her to say thank you. And she informed me that as I phoned so little she thought I'd emigrated. So I didn't call again.

OliviaBenson · 09/09/2014 05:49

I have to say I think you do come across as a bit needy. I don't think your friend is acting smug at all in their advice to you. What is it exactly that you want? For what it's worth my MIL is the same, so much so she had a breakdown when her sons left (we all live in the same town). We get guilt trips all the time and she actually counts how long it is since we last spoke/visited etc. nothing is good enough for her. To be honest all it has really achieved is her alienating her sons further - while they enjoy spending time with her, they cant hack the continual 'I haven't seen you for X days' comments and they have backed off.

Please don't be like her- be happy that they are off in the world living their lives and doing well for themselves. Time to look after yourself now and do things you want to do. Please don't end up like my MIL.

whatsbehindthegreendoor · 09/09/2014 05:53

Baxter - I feel your pain. My 20-year-old son moved out a month ago. He's our only child. I'm lucky as my husband is in the evenings, but I admit I feel a little lost at the moment. It's a strange feeling knowing that there's nobody hanging out in his bedroom and popping into the living room for random conversations when we're just thinking of going to bed! Mind you, on the plus side, we now have a spare bedroom that we're making use of and it's quite nice not having to cater to a fussy eater who never eats what we do!
You have to look at the positive side, otherwise, you're going to be no fun when you do all get together!

however · 09/09/2014 06:10

What, never again Mumoftwo? Harsh.

YANBU, OP. But you being upset won't change their behaviour. It's understandable if you wallow for a bit, just don't make it too long, and don't expect any sympathy from them, because you won't get it. Not because they're horrible, they're just young men.

It is a good idea to try to find something that makes you happy, because if you're happy, rather than miserable, they'll be more inclined to visit. Fake it 'till you make it. xx

Floisme · 09/09/2014 07:09

I think letting them go might be the hardest part of parenting.

marriednotdead · 09/09/2014 07:30

Loads of good advice here, some a little harsh but we don't know you like they do so... Give it time, it's an adjustment for you all. And yes, keep busy. There's a space that needs filling with new experiences so mourn for a couple of days and then crack on with the rest of your life Smile

FWIW my only DD left home about 3 years ago but has been living 5 minutes down the road so although it was initially painful, I could pop in. She's just moved an hour away with my baby GC and I was very sad; I'd been looking after them a couple of days per week. I sent her a text message shortly after they moved saying 'feel free to Skype me, I miss you!' and when she has time she does. Try to keep perspective- some people have their DCs on the other side of the world so we are lucky.

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2014 11:12

Flowers to you, MrsDeVere.

Frankly, anyone who compares their (adult) child moving away from home to that child dying needs to get a grip on reality.

I think it's really healthy to talk to your children in a positive way about your own life when they call, rather than talking about how hard you are finding being alone. It IS hard to be alone, but their leaving home should be a positive and happy experience rather than one filled with guilt. You need to monitor calls and texts to make sure that you sound upbeat - that is hard, but talking about how difficult you're finding it is what friends and MN are for.

ClockWatchingLady · 09/09/2014 11:23

I think MrsWinnibago said that her mother felt it was "like a death" when she moved out. Not that it was a death, and not that it was like the death of her child. The way I read it, I thought she meant that it perhaps reminded her mother a little of the grief she felt when (for example) a more distant relative died.

I think everyone's probably on the same page here about it being nothing remotely comparable to a child actually dying.

Flowers MrsDevere

Hakluyt · 09/09/2014 11:35

It's not like a death. But it is a grieving process. It's grieving for a way of life that's finished. You can be delighted and excited and happy for them but also heartbroken for yourself. MrsDeVere- can I gently suggest that this might not be a thread for you.........

drudgetrudy · 09/09/2014 11:43

This is a big adjustment for you and it is recent so you are sad.
However you have not wasted 23 years-you have brought up two independent young men.
If they were stuck at home with you without the confidence to live their own lives you would have something to worry about.

You sound a bit bitter and your "smug" friend is right-it is time to look for new interests and adventures of your own.
If you whine to your sons and try to make them feel guilty you will alienate them and hear very little from them.
If you are positive and cheerful and offer support without interfering you will still have a role as their Mum-but a changing role.
If you need to grieve do so quietly and then move on.
I think your eldest son is getting angry because he thinks you are trying to make him feel guilty.
There are often posts on here from adult children who feel fear. obligation and guilt towards their parents-they seem to stop feeling love or respect.
Let your boys see you because they want to.

Bowlersarm · 09/09/2014 11:53

I sympathise OP. It sounds like you are struggling with it all. And although it can't be compared to a death, it can be a bereavement for some and take a period of adjustment.

I was fine when ds1 moved away, but then I still have ds2 and ds3.

I think I'll be more upset when ds3 goes, being the last one, but I hope to have lots of plans to carry out and look forward to.

Vintagejazz · 09/09/2014 14:17

I agree with clockwatchinglady. I think the mother saying 'it was like a death' wasn't actually saying it was the same as her daughter dying. She meant it was the death of a stage of her life and a time of sadness and really missing something she would never have again. People do feel grief and a sense of bereavement at times over experiences other than losing someone close to them.

KEGirlOnFire · 09/09/2014 14:29

I agree with others... Give your DSs their space and they will come when they need you or just because they want to see you.

When my sisters and I left home (there are for of us girls - one brother and he is still at home) none of us really went to see Mum initially. But now she is the first person we all call when we want something. She is frequently heard to be saying that she thought she'd got rid of us when we moved out Wink. She loves it really though, especially when we take all the Grandkids with us...

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 09/09/2014 14:30

It is sad for some parents when their adult children move out (others celebrate) but likening it to a death or a bereavement - get a Big Fat Grip. It is nothing like it. Nothing at all. It is insulting to those who have suffered an actual bereavement to liken it to an adult child moving 5 minutes down the road FFS

claraschu · 09/09/2014 14:37

It is SO hard when you are feeling sad and bereft to deal with people getting cross with you. I am sure you just want your feelings acknowledged and given some understanding.

Your DS1 is almost certainly feeling a bit worried, a bit selfish and a bit guilty. DS2 is almost certainly just enjoying his new life. They both love you, and appreciate you, but you have done a wonderful job of giving them the confidence and the skills to launch their own lives, and that's what they are doing right now. I am sure they will come back to you and be a huge part of your life. Right now I think you should be kind to yourself, be undemanding, give yourself time to mourn your old life while trying to find a few little things to make yourself feel better.

I think you are doing brilliantly: you have a full time job; you have raised two sons singlehanded; you are not trying to make them feel sorry for you. I have nothing but respect and sympathy for the adjustment you are making.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 09/09/2014 14:38

I'm the same age as your eldest son, I have two little boys myself. My mother was abusive and vile to me but despite that if she told me she was lonely I would sympathise with her, I'd never react like your eldest son.
He is old enough to view you as a fellow adult and should treat you as one, equally you need to recognise your sons are adults now too. I see nothing wrong in a woman telling her grown son she is lonely. Where else are you meant to look for support? I'm sure you've supported them through loads over the years. I can imagine it would be extremely hurtful to just be told to get over it by the closest people to you.
OP you do need to find something else to fill the gap/make some friends but that isn't done in an instant. Yanbu to expect your sons to give a shit about their mother.
I'm assuming op that you aren't phoning up everyday sobbing and begging them to come home or something.

MrsWinnibago · 09/09/2014 14:39

Thank you Clock for clarifying for me. My Mother has been bereaved a number of times and she did not mean it was like MY death when I left. Just that there was a very low period and of mourning.

Hakluyt · 09/09/2014 14:41

No, it's not like a death. But it is a grief.

My dd has just gone away to university, and I am grieving for the life I had that I loved, for the girl I will never see again because when she comes home at Christmas she will be a different person, for the years of happy family life we shared, and for her younger brother, who currently feels like a lost soul. So no, don't minimise whwt we "empty nesters" are feeling.

sunbathe · 09/09/2014 14:49

Can I recommend 'The Empty Nest' by Shelley Bovey, op?

I think you might find it interesting.

AdamLambsbreath · 09/09/2014 14:57

Thanks for the poem ikea. It is perfect.

Vintagejazz · 09/09/2014 15:24

I think most people understand what she meant MrsWinnibago and some of the comments on here are unfair.

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