Am I being unreasonable to being hurt by other's reactions to my empty nest

[Baxterismyboo]

Hi. I would be grateful on other perspectives to my current dilemma. Brief background: I am in my mid 50s with 2 sons aged 24 and 26. I was a single parent for 23 years. My eldest left 7 years ago to go to Uni and my youngest moved out just over a week ago to live with a friend. I have tried to be supportive to both of them, helping them move, being stuff for the new flat etc etc.
I fully accept that this is the best thing for both of them. They are both young men and need to make their way in life. However, thus is a real end of a chapter for me and the future is slightly scary. I am now living alone, I don't have a partner as such. Both my parents are dead. I have friends but none of them are in the same position as me and they don't understand. I am getting comments like 'Treat it like a new adventure' (smug married friend). My youngest son has not been to see me once since he moved out or invited me round since I dropped off the last of his stuff. ( I know it has only been just over a week but he lives a mike away).
My eldest is almost verbally attacking me when he phones me by telling me that I knew this would happen one day so why am I bothered?Why did I get a dog when I knew that they would eventually move out. (Dog nearly 2) Why don't I move in with someone else? (Who???) Sell up and move nearer my brother? How dare I text him and mention that I am living alone because he knows that? Why should he keep in touch with his brother now?
I honestly feel that I have wasted the last 23 years devoting myself to them, working hard and making sacrifices if this is how I am treated, like some sort if weird pariah. I have never felt so alone. I will get used to the whole living alone thing, but all I am looking for is a little understanding, a little empathy. Am I over reacting as I don't seem to get this from family and so called friends? I am truly trying to put on a brave face to the rest if the world.

It is a huge shock when they leave isn't it?
It's a massive adjustment for everyone. I sympathise, I really do. It's hard enough with DH, DS2 and DD still here so to have them both leave and then feel alone must be such a shift.
But it doesn't sound as if you are handling this very well.
When DS1 left I made myself not contact him. I just didn't. I remembered what it was like when I left home and how exciting and totally absorbing it was to be striking out on my own. I loved my parents but the last thing I wanted to do was interact with them - they were 'old' home, I was making a new life.

It balances out fairly soon - DS1 is here ATM helping with the garden. But they have to enjoy leaving. You have to let them go, then they want to come back.

I think your 'smug married' friend was just trying to help you feel positive btw.

Also, as others have said, it is totally up to your boys to maintain their own relationship with each other, don't get involved in that at all.

It's good you aren't guilt tripping your boys but I think a lot of your loneliness and resentment must be getting through to him somehow.

I was the twenty year old whose mother craved more from me. All it made me do was back away from her neediness.

Next time you speak to one of them talk about what you have been up to - cinema club

• out walking
• new friends
• new classes
• joined church

Etc etc

Can totally understand you feeling upset, Baxter. And it sounds like the people around you haven't acknowledged (for whatever reason) how hard it must be. That must be frustrating.

I have nothing very wise to say, but I do have a bit of experience of what your boys may be experiencing.

My mum said the right things when I moved out, but I knew she resented it and felt rejected. Some of her veiled comments made me feel like I'd dumped a boyfriend, not made a perfectly natural move out of the house. It made me feel a bit sick, and angry in return. My mum is a very intelligent and kind woman, and an excellent mum, by the way. But for a good few years I felt a sort of hurt and anger from her towards me and it made our relationship very difficult. I always wished she'd developed more of a social network and felt that this would have made it less intense and easier for both of us. I'm not saying this applies to you at all (obviously I have no idea!), but I always resolve in relation to my own kids that I'll make sure I develop lots of new social outlets when they move out. Who knows how possible that is, but anyway....

All the best to you.

I get so annoyed when parents go on about how many 'sacrifices' they made for their children, how difficult it was and how their children should be grateful but 'parenting is such a thankless job isn't it?'

Children don't ask to be born, we as adults choose to have them. It is then our responsibility to raise them into adulthood. We shouldn't expect anything in return for it.

I'm 100% with your eldest. Go get some hobbies, sort yourself out. You shouldn't be making your DS' feel guilty for living their lives. You did know they would grow up one day and you'd be alone, it's an inevitable part of parenting. Now it's time for you to start another chapter of your life too. You're free, go live.

Hi Op

It is weird when you suddenly find yourself on your own in a home that you shared with others. I was quite happy for my son to move out and onwards, but it still felt odd and I spent a few weeks feeling at a loose end, and just odd being in a quiet, empty house. Give yourself a bit of time to adjust. I ended up LOVING living on my own - as your friends have said, it is the start of a new type of life for you and you have a choice whether that's going to be a mopey lonely one, or a fun interesting one now you only have to think of yourself. It's a big change and I do understand how you feel. It can be the start of a great new life for you as well as them, though.

Don't guilt trip them or start feeling sad about their moving on and not being in constant contact. Most people are pretty self involved in their 20s and only really start picking up with parents more again as they get older and can see your point of view (having their own children helps with that!). The fact that they can live independently and happily is the whole point of raising children - that they can function as adults. It means you did a great job as a Mum. I'm sure they appreciate everything really, but if you start guilting them out then it'll frustrate them and make them feel guilty, and then it just makes them avoid you more. Be happy to hear from them. Stay in touch yourself with calls, texts, Facebook, etc - without swamping them or necessarily expecting a quick response.

It is lovely to have children with you. It's lovely to see them grow up. It's also lovely to live on your own and be utterly selfish again :-).

I truly feel for you, OP, children moving out leaves a horrible void and, most of all, is the end of true "mothering", as it is the final sign that our little ones are finally independent adults who can function perfectly well without us.

The fact that you brought them up alone makes it even harder. When my children left home I was able to talk about the emptiness with my DH, who felt the same, and reminisce about the childhood years. It is actually like a grieving process that you have to go through for the loss of your status as lynchpin of your DC's lives.

Just because they don't need you on a daily basis doesn't mean they'll never need you again, or include you in their lives again. The only way to go is to avoid moaning to them, be cheerful and positive with them even if you don't feel like it, so that your relationship is enjoyable and they will call you and visit you because they want to, and not because they feel a guilty duty to do so.

Your youngest is still caught up in the heady excitement of leaving home and being completely free, but once the novelty wears off a bit he''ll be in touch regularly, I expect. Try not to make too many demands on him, or on your eldest, as unfortunately, neediness tends to drive people away

Most of all, don't feel you''ve wasted the past 23 years - you have raised two boys to adulthood single-handed (which is something I respect very much as raising children is no easy task) and what they are today is largely due to your efforts. In time you will realise that their leaving is just the normal course of life, and if they were unable to detach themselves from you it would mean there was a problem.

Incidentally, my mum still "reminds" me to call my siblings.

It drives me totally potty, and (to my shame) it makes me feel like a rebellious adolescent again (I'm 35!) - and discourages me from calling them. Another thing I resolve not to do with my own kids (although I can see how hard it must be).

And I'll say again - my mum is a highly intelligent and very caring person. She really is great. But these dynamics can be very tough.

What MrsDevere says (better than I could).
I imagine it's extremely hard, and you are in no way being unreasonable to feel it, and to want people to understand how difficult it is.

As others say, I'm sure your DSs will be around when they're ready to be.

I really feel for you too, op and I don't think your reaction is extreme at all. My son will probably be leaving home in a couple for years and just thinking about it makes me sad. (And before anyone come on and tells me to get a life, it is perfectly full already, thank you).

I think you just have to treat it like any other kind of loss and work your way through it. I hope things will get easier.

My DC are young and this post has actually made me feel a little sad.

When I left home I didn't really see my parents for weeks.

I am sorry you feel so sad OP but I think your son has hit the nail on the head when he says that surely you knew this day was coming.

My DC are teens and I am already planning what I will do when they leave home.

My plan is to be too busy to be missing them too much. I have a lot of plans!!!

It has only been a week so tbh your post does seem a bit dramatic. Give it time to adjust, talk to your dog ( I do this non stop) and have a good think about what you want for the rest of your life, and plan accordingly.

Whether you're being unreasonable or not in how you're feeling, the way you're acting is counterproductive. My DP and I were both brought up by single mothers. When I left home my mum followed my antics on Facebook but never called, texted, or otherwise contacted me: she waited for me to get in touch with her. She said so long as photos of me kept appearing on social media she knew I was still alive and that would do for her while I was getting my independence. After a while I started contacting her and we now chat once a week on the phone and I go home to visit regularly. We have a really good relationship and it feels mutual.

When my DP moved out, his mum was constantly texting saying she missed him, how lonely it was and implying how ungrateful he was for never getting in touch. He had to ask her to stop posting on his Facebook page several times a day because she really wanted contact with him as he wasn't getting in touch, and in more recent years we've had to ask her to stop contacting me so often because she thinks I'll pressure him to speak to her. He phones her to talk one Sunday a month because he has to, and only goes to see her if he can't avoid it because when he's there it's the guilt trip over how long it's been and how ungrateful he is after she sacrificed her career to bring him up etc. etc. She's very passive aggressive and dramatic about it. All these means he doesn't want to see her, doesn't want to call, and resents any time he does spend with her because he feels it's a duty and he has to do it or he'll be nagged. Before he moved out their relationship was good.

I'd recommend giving them more space than they want: even if you have to put your phone in the fishbowl to do it. Set yourself the task to see how long you can ignore them for: it'll be easier if you can keep yourself busy. be prepared that they won't notice for a painful length of time. But eventually they'll come back and they'll do so because they want to speak to you/see you and not because they feel guilty.

Sorry for the essay!

lurkingbear it's scary that your DP had a good relationship with his mum until he moved out. And also very sad.

I don't know what the answer is - I've not been through this yet although I will soon - but I don't think it's just about making plans and keeping busy. It's a deep emotional loss and I don't think we talk about it enough.

I feel for you op. it's only been a week, not long at all since your son left. It's a sad time for you . Be gentle on yourself . Try to do nice things for you. In time you will get used to the idea . I think you know yourself you should not guilt trip them about coming to see you . Your boys will love you . They are young. It is a adjustment for your son to and he probably is trying to handle that and at the same time worries about you but doesn't no how to handle it so is getting frustrated. , same with your other son. Also they are young and they will not know truly how it feels for children to fly the nest. One day they will when they have had there own and be grown up and probably think I know how mum felt. Please try and be supportive and try not to push them away by being too needy. Try to switch your focus now from them onto you and your life. If your more relaxed your boys will want to see you more. A big hug to you.

Just an idea but have you considered a lodger? Is there a university or similar in your town?

@Floisme you're right, and he says himself it's because once he moved out the only bit of his mum he ever saw was the lonely, needy nag. He doesn't get to see or speak to the interesting person with a full life and loads of interests and friends in common he'd grown up with, because all of their conversations now are about how he never calls and how lonely it is without him.
On the odd occasion it's just her and me, or one we've been at hers for more than a couple of days if we're visiting, she becomes much more normal and is great fun and clearly has plenty of friends and a full life. But she feels she's "owed" more attention from her ds and never fails to remind him, which of course means he doesn't want to talk to her partly because of the nagging and partly because it makes him revert to stroppy teenager!

I can completely see where you are coming from - being a single parent for that long is hard and your boys are seemingly very independent and confident boys - you have done a GOOD JOB!! But in doing a good job you have done yourself out of a job :-). I can understand you struggling to come to terms with your new found freedom and space but there are lots of opportunities in this. You do need to sort your own emotions out about this though, especially with few people you feel you can confide in, I was in this position when I divorced I had a tough job, a relative in the house who was much younger (needed to keep it together) looking back I suffered with depression big time but fought hard and long, not always winning. One of the things I did which really helped was write a sort of diary - only when I needed to - I put down my emotions however silly or bizarre or selfish they felt and it really helped me be more objective about things. Yes I was treated unfairly/badly but I didn't want to be a victim in this - I wanted something more out of it. It is a sort of grieving when you go through these huge changes. Try and think about some things you have always wanted to do and do them, find someone to help with the dog, walks, holidays etc. (we just have a new dog so I know some of the issues). There are people out there who can help you talk through things coaches (life coaches if you want the buzz) and they are very necessary. They can't solve the issues and emotions but they can help you work through them.

Its only a week - no time at all in the scheme of things

It wasn't until recently that my Mum admitted that when I moved out...I was her last at home.."It was like a death".

She NEVER once let me know how sad she was. And nor should she have! I think you need to woman up a bit OP.

I don't have grown up children, I'm only at the toddler stage but my mum gave me some really good advice which was that the whole point of parenting is to give your children the confidence, skills and drive to leave home and have their own lives. Every stage from when you encourage them to crawl and walk to when you introduce responsibilities is building up to the day you wave them off and hope that they come back and tell you about the new experiences they have had.

^Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.^

You are really lucky that your ds lived at home until he was 24, me and my brother both left home at 18 and at the ages of 24 and 26 I was living on the other side of the world and my brother was also living abroard. My mum tried to see it as an oppertunity for some fun holidays!

Maybe not to you Mrs but to my Mother is was. You don't have management of other people's emotions.

I agree MrsDeVere.

My brothers has moved back home several times, I think my parents are getting annoyed now. They have been eying that room up for sometime now.