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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you decide where to spend Christmas?

88 replies

StuntNun · 07/09/2014 10:57

DH wants to spend Christmas with his parents who live locally, I want to spend Christmas with my parents who we would have to fly to visit. How does everyone else decide where they are going to spend Christmas when there is a difference of opinion?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 07/09/2014 10:58

what did you do last year

originalusernamefail · 07/09/2014 10:59

I usually spend it at work . Other than that we alternate.

MrsMoon76 · 07/09/2014 11:00

Take turns or each go home and spend it separately (which is what we do due to family issues).

TidyDancer · 07/09/2014 11:05

You take it in turns, so what did you do last year?

That said, we are lucky enough to live in the same town as both my DM and ILs so we tend to see both at some point in the day. ILs have a boozy evening so we tend to go there last. Everyone gets on well so we quite often all eat together.

hamptoncourt · 07/09/2014 11:08

Well I guess you either toss a coin, spend it separately with your respective parents, or agree to take turns, or spend it at home which is what I would do.

Do you have DC?

I would hate to spend Christmas away from my own home.

Thefishewife · 07/09/2014 11:08

I think you need to take turns each year and to be honest why not ask your parents to fly here I would imagin it would be less hassle if you have kids

EverythingIsAwesome · 07/09/2014 11:08

Always spend it at home. People are welcome to come & join us.

HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 11:10

Take it in turns unless there's a new baby and then we refuse to go anywhere :) (but go back to turns afterwards)

EmeraldLion · 07/09/2014 11:11

Before we had the children we used to alternate between dh's mum and my parents.

Since we had the children we always visit both parents in the morning and have lunch at home.

ILovedYouYesterday · 07/09/2014 11:16

If you don't mind being away from home, I agree with alternating. If you went to one set of parents last year, then you go to the other set this year, decision made! If this is your first Christmas together, toss a coin to decide who gets to have you first.

Pesonally, I'd make it a three year cycle with the third year being spent at your home, your parents welcome to fly to you, if they wish and his can come round on the day - although you obviously trade travelling for cooking!

Original poster

StuntNun · 07/09/2014 11:53

We have three kids who will be 11, 8 and 2 at Christmas. We spent last Christmas at home and hosted DH's parents, DB, DS, DBIL and DNephew for Christmas dinner. It was very stressful and one reason why I was hoping to spend Christmas at my parents' house this year as my mum loves making a big Christmas dinner for everyone. The year before we spent at home and had DH's parents and DB round for brunch but couldn't do dinner as we had a 5wo baby at the time. The year before we spent at home and had DH's parents and DB round for dinner and they all got food poisoning from their Christmas Eve takeaway and had to go home to be sick! The year before we stayed home and DH's parents went to stay with DSIL. The year before DH's parents hosted Christmas with DSIL and DBIL cooking but DMIL couldn't cope and took herself off to bed. I can't remember any further back but it's certainly years since I spent Christmas with my parents. My dad can't travel as he is disabled so there's no question of them coming here. My mum has just had her garage converted into an ensuite bedroom so she could put up more guests and she's gutted that neither me not my DB will be coming home for Christmas. I really wanted to, especially after the drama of last Christmas which was hell for me, but DH is flat refusing to go because he doesn't think he will enjoy Christmas there. So he wins by default because my choices are: spend Christmas with my parents but away from my DH and kids, spend Christmas with my parents and kids but away from my DH, or have another Christmas at home with my kids and my DH and hope his parents don't fuck it all up again like last year.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 12:00

About 15 years ago when DS1 was about 6 we stopped the madness and stayed at home on Christmas day, on our own. We alternate visiting family on boxing day but tbh that is now sometimes the nearest weekend instead.
It's brilliant.
Last year we did Christmas day here, boxing day at a panto and supper and then saw my mum the day after. Then we flew to Sydney for the new year.

I am so pleased we dropped all the stress. It's too much.

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 12:02

X-posted
Or spend Christmas at home with DH and children?
Invite in laws for drinks and cold food on boxing day?

TidyDancer · 07/09/2014 12:06

Sounds like it's your turn to choose then. DH needs to stop being a selfish bastard about it. Life isn't about him constantly getting his own way. I'm not usually one to say this, but but your foot down and stop being a doormat. I would actually call his bluff and tell him the plans are to take the DCs to your parents as it's your turn to choose.

TidyDancer · 07/09/2014 12:07

PUT your foot down, not but your foot down!

dreamingofsun · 07/09/2014 12:08

so if you can't go to your parents what would be your second choice? You do seem to have had rather a lot of christmas' involving your IL's and not your parents - so in theory its time to visit yours. Have you looked into the cost and how many days it might involve?

Whatever you do i think your nuclear family should be together.

before we had kids we always visited IL's because everyone else was happy about this and i'm not really a christmas person. i made it clear that once we had kids we'd have christmas at home and relatives were welcome. The IL's always come now, but no-one else due to more complex family set ups my side. Ideally i'd like to go to lanzaorte and have a BBQ christmas day, but i know this won't happen as no-one else wants it and it would be expensive

i think some form of compromise or sharing is required

TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 07/09/2014 12:09

My dad is on his own so I prioritise him. Dmil doesn't like it but I really don't care. She's got a husband and other older x hidden, if I didn't have my dad round he would be on his own. So she can jog on.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/09/2014 12:11

We have it at home but people are more than welcome to join us if they wish. Christmas Eve and day are usually just us and DS. Boxing Day is a free for all. I like it relaxed where DS can enjoy his presents without being dragged out.

Trinpy · 07/09/2014 12:12

We have the opposite set up from you in that my parents live locally while dh's live in another country. Dh's can never be bothered to fly to us and we can't go to them because I have to work over Christmas. So then I feel mean inviting my parents over and we end up at home, just the two of us.

If we went to my parents every single year, or hosted them every year, and dh's family couldn't travel due to disability then of course I would fly over. I don't enjoy their company but it's one Christmas out of many and if it would mean a lot to my dh, it would be worth it.

Your dh is being selfish. Either you alternate or you don't see either family. He can't have it all his way.

Notso · 07/09/2014 12:13

Now there's 6 of us the invites for dinner have stopped but before DC3&4 we used to do a year just us, a year with my family and a year with his family.
Now we either invite people or we don't. He prefers not to I prefer a house full.
His parents and siblings visit Christmas morning at 9am whatever though

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 07/09/2014 12:25

Most of the time we've had xmas on our own. I had my parent's round xmas for the first two years of Dd's life, as they lived near by but when they moved we had xmas on our own for a few years. Then we had Xmas at my parent's house when DD was at primary school a couple of times as DH was working during all through Xmas and New Year as he works an hour from them (Parent's live and 2 hours away), so DH got to come and spend some time with us before work and my parent's enjoyed having us (DH use to work away in a tourist town, 3 hours from where we live). Though Dd and I always go up for New Year at my parent's as my brother lives near by and other brother has a holiday house where my parent's live. So I always see my family at New Year.

PIL have never been that bothered as it's 2 hours by plane from where we live and both my SiL and their children live up their, so they always had Xmas with them. PIL have always been down for DD's birthday, whereas my parent's aren't usually around for DD's birthday, so it works both ways.

Last year we had xmas at my brother's with his wife and her dc and my mum as DH and DDad had passed away, which was nice as I haven't spent Xmas with my brother since the 90s and I got to know SIL and her children.

however · 07/09/2014 12:27

We take it in turns if we're spending the day, or do lunch with mine, and dinner with his.

My family have aways had a big lunch and relaxed dinner, his family schmooze around until dinnertime so it works well.

crazykat · 07/09/2014 12:34

We spend Christmas Day at home and my dad has dinner with us. We spend Boxing Day with the in laws and SIL and her kids, and my dad comes with us if he's not working.

We used to try and see both sets of parents on Christmas Day but it was too much for us rushing around with four kids who wanted to play with their presents and picking up/dropping off DSD, fitting in dinner and then seeing my parents and DHs.

This way its much more calm or a calm as it can be with 4/5 kids.

lampygirl · 07/09/2014 12:44

DPs family for Xmas and mine for new year, every year. His family live in Switzerland and we ski the week before Xmas up to NYE then back to mine for New Years. We wouldn't alternate because the ski resorts fill up New Years week and everything involving travel is more expensive.

Plus the Swiss Xmas with classy decor, mountain backdrop and snow cover is much nicer than our americanised toy-fest.

Smilesandpiles · 07/09/2014 12:46

At home.

All visits are done before the day so we can just BE at home. Saying that we're unsociable gits so wouldn't have it any other way.

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