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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you decide where to spend Christmas?

88 replies

StuntNun · 07/09/2014 10:57

DH wants to spend Christmas with his parents who live locally, I want to spend Christmas with my parents who we would have to fly to visit. How does everyone else decide where they are going to spend Christmas when there is a difference of opinion?

OP posts:

HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 15:48

If they've made the effort to do the garage conversion then maybe she'll make the effort to be better with the relationship generally, and your DH will have a place to escape to. It is annoying when you have to travel a long way to see family (my family aren't that far, but four hours away compared to one hour for my inlaws), but on the other hand you can't say you'll never ever do it for Christmas! And it's not as if you've done it recently either.

Your DH has to suck it up this time. It's not as if you have a wonderful time with his parents either but you've managed.

Original poster

StuntNun · 07/09/2014 16:04

The 'traditional' relationship comment was tongue in cheek but they do rub each other up the wrong way. He hates spending time at my parents' house as it's small and cluttered. His parents have a massive house so he can't get on with the idea of everyone cramming in together (my younger two DSs were sharing a room with my mum but they had their own bed and cot). But now they have the extra room so DS1 and DS2 would be able to have a room of their own and DH and I would have the new room with DS3 on an air bed. So it's not exactly slumming it. Whenever we're over there DH is always trying to get out of the house so going for walks or taking the kids off places. It's as if he feels trapped and bored. I understand it's not somewhere he wants to spend a lot of time but ffs I stayed at his parents house when they had four cats and I'm severely allergic. I think he's just not willing to put himself out for anyone else's sake. He's already told me I'm selfish for wanting to go to my parents' house even though it won't be his idea of a good Christmas.

OP posts:

littledrummergirl · 07/09/2014 16:22

We stay home. The kids go to bed xmas eve and we get the presents out and drink wine.

Sil is a nurse and lives alone. If she is working xmas they spend the day together, if she isnt they come to us for a few days and we all drink wine

My dp host us on boxing day with my db and 2dsis plus partners and dc. They get on well with mil and we have a great time.

Sod would I go away for Christmas day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2014 16:29

" I think he's just not willing to put himself out for anyone else's sake."
Then this is what you have to address.

And just to repeat, I'd still take the kids to my parents and he could consider whether to spend his Christmas being a father or a son.

PumpkinPie2013 · 07/09/2014 17:33

We alternate where possible (sometimes not possible as my mum sometimes works Christmas so my dad would be alone - although last year he came to DH family with us as all get on well).

We've hosted once or twice as well but of not we invite both sides together for either Christmas eve or boxing day.

I think you should either alternate or just have it at home and visit family on other days.

Notsoyummymummy1 · 07/09/2014 21:02

I hide under the duvet til it's all over!

XiCi · 07/09/2014 21:24

So I guess them it's up to you whether you indulge his childish, selfish behaviour or whether you stand up for yourself and have the Christmas you want. Do you really want to spend Xmas with someone who has no regard for your opinion or for the children's Xmas. Surely they deserve to see your parents for Xmas at some point during their childhood. I'd be booking those flights.

Lally112 · 07/09/2014 21:28

I choke everyone who mentions the bloody C word before December 1st and see who is left after that

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 07/09/2014 22:11

Simples

You stay home

They come to you if they want to

Don't create a year on year trend - that way is the way if heartache for you once people start stropping!!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/09/2014 22:34

Go to your parents with the kids. It's the only fair thing to do. I imagine your DH will decide to join you once he realises you're serious about doing the fair thing by your parents.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/09/2014 22:36

Never alternate, then you never get into the "who's turn is it?" and silliness over "winning and losing". Do what works best for you each year - including staying at home

tilliebob · 07/09/2014 22:41

When dc number one was born I told both families that we were a family and we would be at home (OUR home) every Christmas and everyone was welcome to visit but we would not be trailing dc around the country. As a child we stayed at home and played with our toys - and I wanted the same for our dcs. It's worked out fine - even on the Christmases when dc is working.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/09/2014 23:00

We lived abroad, and pre-children, we both went home to our own parents. Once we had children, we all stayed at home. Even after we moved back home.
In your shoes, I would spend Xmas day at home and fly to your parents on Boxing Day. With or without DH. Buy him a ticket if not too expensive. He will either go with you, or not.

kslatts · 07/09/2014 23:09

Sounds like it's your turn to choose, I think your DH is being unreasonable.
We live close to my parents and sister, DH's family live a flight away.

We tend to spend Xmas with my family as they are local, however DH's have flown to us for xmas and we have been to spend xmas with his parents twice.

We would alternate between staying at home/local and traveling to DH's family, but it's not practical. When we do go there for xmas we stay at least a week, therefore it depends whether we can both get time off work(I usually can but DH sometimes cant), also price of flights is expensive at that time of year.

Iggi999 · 07/09/2014 23:15

Loads of people find extended periods of time with in-laws hard to cope with. Most people however realise there need to be give and take in this area, and their rights do not trump that of their spouse.
Go to your parents.

Bedtime1 · 08/09/2014 06:07

I think he's being selfish. If he won't put himself out to go to your mums then I would insist we have a family Christmas at home on the 25th just you two and the children . Then visit your parents and his on other dates

fairylightsintheloft · 08/09/2014 06:29

how can this man not see the irony of refusing to go to your parent's because it will spoil his Christmas if he (presumably) knows that you have had rubbish ones for the last several years? Some straight talking about growing the fuck up is definitely in order. Otherwise, I agree with the "choose to be father or son" line - it puts the choice into stark terms and it might just give him a boot up the arse (although actually, I might just suggest that you include "husband" in that choice since he seems to have forgotten that he is suppose to care about your happiness too).

fairylightsintheloft · 08/09/2014 06:29

sorry, I didn't mean LTB over this, just remind him that your Christmas matters too!

BlahBlahYeahYeah · 08/09/2014 09:02

I agree with the posters who are saying you need to put your foot down this Christmas.

Take the dc and go to your parents without him if he's not willing to be part of the family. He'll soon catch up.

My dh did the same until this year for Eid. Every year, he'd announce that he was doing Eid with his family and wouldn't be traveling to mine. So I'd take my girls and go to my parents. He'd end up doing the morning at his parents, missing us badly, then spending the rest of the day at my parents! But every single year I tell you.. That same announcement, and my completely calm and pleasant removal of self and dc to parents home ... The penny has finally dropped. Next Eid (in a months time), he's agreed to do half the day at both family's.

Littlef00t · 08/09/2014 09:11

Yep another voting for taking the kids to your parents and he can spend the time with his crazy family.

I don't see why the default is you go on your own. You haven't spent Christmas with your family for years, it definitely your turn!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 08/09/2014 09:15

We go to my parents. Even the year I had to work, DH still went to my parents. Their Christmas is an Event - bucks fizz, dressed dinner table, three courses, then later the cheeseboard comes out and the board games. We do a big quiz, all sit round the table all afternoon and evening and gifts are secondary and opened slowly over the course of the day. Anyone and everyone is invited (inluding DHs family who decline), so theres usually about 14 people. Its very merry and fun, and a short walk from our house, so we dont have to have a designated driver.

MILs christmas is all about the gifts. Then they have a beef dinner on their knees infront of the telly and sit and watch the Christmas TV for the rest of the night.

Tittifilarious · 08/09/2014 10:38

We spend it at home, well except for the Christmas dinner itself for which we always end up at my mum's (I wouldn't choose to have every Christmas dinner there but they will be alone otherwise. I could have it at home and invite them but they like all of the fuss and a really big deal whereas I think serve it up, tuck in, relax so I think they genuinedly do prefer doing it their way in their house).

ILs live about 180 miles away. I wouldn't mind spending it with them but there's a few things which prevent this:

space - they really couldn't squeeze us all in with all of the presents etc 2)even if they had the space, there is a smoking issue. This will sound really shallow but I don't want lovely new clothes and presents and coats, scarves and hats reeking of smoke (past experience!).
we'd stay in a hotel and go along for dinner, socialising etc but their town has no decent hotels (think Travelodge or B&Bs) - I just couldn't make the children leave their lovely, warm, Christmassy home to spend it in a travelodge on industrial estate.

We do go up before NYE though and stay a few days then.

In theory, if they had a large house with plenty of space or a nice hotel nearby, I'd have no problem with alternating Christmas with them and at home. They're more than welcome to come to us too, but they go to BIL/SILs who live in their town so we all seem to have fallen into habits that work for us. Nobody takes offence - it's just the way it is.

VestaCurry · 08/09/2014 10:46

I would say that you and the children are going to your parents for Christmas and you hope he will come.

All our parents have passed away, three of them unexpectedly in quick succession. Go see your parents this Christmas.

Aherdofmims · 08/09/2014 11:24

Take it in turns with Dh to choose.

This usually means we each choose to visit own family on our turn. But we COULD choose something else.

LePetitPont · 08/09/2014 11:25

First few years of living together, we went our separate ways - me to my parents and the DH to his.

Then have done a split down the middle, so 23 and 24 dec and Christmas morning / lunch at mine then a 2 hour drive over to the ILs, Christmas night there (with FiL usually peopled out and grumpy if we dare to make conversation over Dr Who...) then Boxing Day lunch with all ILs inc grandma and home on 27 dec.

It has worked well but not greatly relaxing having to rush around and as I am an only child and as she gets older, it is harder to get away (in the nicest possible way) from my DM to head to PILs.

This year we will have a 12 week old baby (eeeek!!) which should change things - we fully intend to stay at home, just the 3 of us. My DH has not wanted to be just the 2 of us previously.

OP - your husband is being really unfair! He can definitely suck up 1 year with your family for 3 years of chaos with his. Sounds like getting out for walks and things with your dc is a really sensible coping mechanism and with more space available for sleeping, he may find it better than previous years?

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